Plus stephen welcomes Matthew Mcconaughey and mew cal guest sam hunt, featuring jon batiste d stay homin. And now, live on tape from a safe distance its Stephen Colbert stephen two times. Hey, everybody that actually hurt a little. Keeps you awake. Welcome to the late show. Im Stephen Colbert. Peter is in college so hes taking classes now. His younger brother john is sitting in. Do you remember if i tell the people youre here . John, good luck, no pressure, i hope everyone had a nice easter. I did. With my family. We raked our inlaws yard, while they watched from the porch, then my 91yearold fatherinlaw mowed it. He can do a five minute plank. At 91. I dont know what my wife sees in me. Of course, all of the celebrations had to change this year. The pope livestreamed mass from an empty st. Peters, and jesus was not allowed to leave the tomb on the orders of andrew cuomo. Its tough love, governor. I feel for the pope. He and i are kind of in the same business. We stand in front of big crowds and make them feel better. Ive been doing my show without an audience for a month now. Wow. A month. Time really flies by when youre not allowed to fly. Or walk. The United States has passed every other country in terms of coronavirus fatalities. The new york times, the washington post, the npr, the huffpo there was even a brutal takedown from dog fancy. Trumps ruff response to coronavirus. He waited too long to paws the economy. I will pause for the thunderous laughter coming from your living rooms. Its clear that trump is in over his head, and im not the only one who feels that way. So does donald trump. At the beginning of the spread, of the coronavirus, reportedly trump seemed shellshocked and deflated. One associate described him as subdued and baffled by how the crisis had played out. And for weeks, he did nothing even though axios counted ten times trump and his administration were warned about coronavirus. Not to mention cnn sounding the alarm. 24 hours a day. Its the classic childrens story. The boy who ignored wolf. Trumps mishandling of the crisis was confirmed yesterday by immunologist anthony fauci, seen here attempting to be mildly spooky. Fauci was on cnns state of the tapper, and jake asked him about trumps reluctance to shut the country down when he was first warned. Heres what fauci said you know, jake, as i have said many times, we look at it from a pure health standpoint. We make a recommendation. Often, the recommendation is taken. Sometimes its not. But we it is what it is. We are where we are right now. Stephen that is admirable restraint. You can tell fauci knows the serenity prayer. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know that trump is a disaster. Then fauci admitted that swift action would have saved lives, and he knew who to blame. If we had right from the very beginning shut everything down, it might have been a little bit different, but there was a lot of pushback about shutting things down back then. Stephen okay, not saying who, but sure seems like hes just avoiding pointing fingers. as fauci i dont want to name any names, because his name is donald trump. But trump clearly knew who he was talking about, because last night he retweeted the hashtag fire fauci. Hes going to fire anthony fauci. The only guy in the room who knows what the hells talking about. This is how it always happens he retweets someone saying he should fire somebody, as if he doesnt have the power to do that. Then his staff denies it, then he fires them anyway, and replaces them with a guest he saw on fox news. So get ready for new director of allergy and Infectious Disease kid rock. Trump has also complained to confidantes that hes made fauci a star. Oh, sure ats you go into Infectious Diseases to be a star. You can read all about the most glamorous epidemiologists in us weekly. But heres the worst during a Task Force Meeting last month, trump asked fauci, why dont we let this wash over the country . To which a stunned fauci responded, mr. President , many people would die. Okay, first instinct was maybe let them die, sounds monstrous, but trump was just following the advice of secretary of commerce thanos. Some people say that trump values the economy over human life to help his reelection, but im sure hes not just thinking about himself. Remember all of his buildings are branded other people. Right now, trump is talking about ending the stay at home order for the country as early as may 1, to which i say, mayday. He says hes not sure, so on friday, a reporter asked trump about how he was going to make this decision. Can you say, sir, what metrics you will use to make that decision . The metrics right here. Thats my metrics. Stephen oh, no. His metrics. Really . Those are the same metrics that say losing the popular vote is a landslide, this is the largest inauguration crowd in history, and this is 239 pounds. Trump is aware that this is a tough call. At the end, i got to make a decision. Ive got to make the biggest decision of my life. This is, by far, the biggest decision of my life. Without question, its the biggest decision ive ever had to make. Im going to have to make a decision, and i only hope to god that its the right decision. Stephen that doesnt inspire a lot of confidence. Thats like hearing your surgeon say as doctor i know i have to replace one of your hearts. I only hope to god that its the right one. Bite on this stick. Now, medical experts like dr. Fauci say that social distancing is helping and that we have to keep doing it because ending it may cause a spike in cases, but trump was philosophical. I just want to say that, you know, you talked about, couldnt it lead to death, meaning, if you open up, it could lead to death. And youre right. But you know what . Staying at home leads to death also. Stephen he makes a good point. It kind of reminds me of my favorite robert frost poem. Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and they both led to death. Whats the point . Im dead already. Me, robert frost. Dead. Heres the thing reopening the country is not up to trump because from the beginning trump has left all the hard decisions on fighting coronavirus to the individual states. Even on friday, he was boasting about his buckpassing i like to allow governors to make decisions without overruling them, because from a constitutional standpoint, thats the way it should be done. If i disagreed, i would overrule a governor, and i have that right to do it. But id rather have them you can call it federalist, you can call it the constitution, but i call it the constitution. Stephen as trump you can call it federalist, you can call it the constitution. I call it convenient excuse for making someone else do my job. Next question, you. Right now, a lot of governors are coordinating when to lift quarantines, but trump wants to be the only hero who opens things up. Today he tweeted, for the purpose of creating conflict and confusion, some in the Fake News Media are saying that it is the governors decision to open up the states. Let it be fully understood that this is incorrect dot, dot dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, it is the decision of the president. No, sorry. Reopening the country is not up to you, because you didnt have the balls to shut the country down. You were the one who said you were just a cheerleader you put yourself on the sidelines. Cheerleaders dont get a super bowl trophy. In fact, they barely get paid. Theyre just supposed to look good and spell words right. And you cant do either there is some hopeful news out there baseball is back Americas National pastime held its first game of 2020 in. Taiwan taiwan has done a good job limiting the spread of coronavirus, and yesterday, their Baseball League had its opening day, a huge match up between the chinatrust brothers and the unipresident 711 lions. I love those names. I cant believe how far america has fallen behind in corporate sponsorship. Im hereby renaming the mets, the bob hearts abishola, mondays on cbs panthers. Lets check out some highlights from this new socialdistanced sports world heres the pitch and he belts it into the upper deck, and the crowd is gone theres no crowd. But the stands arent totally empty. Because one Taiwanese Team the rakuten monkeys has figured out a workaround drumming fake fans and a robot cheering section. Nice of daft punk to pitch in. But what matters is baseballs back, and nothing says a day at the ballpark like the martial drumbeat of the robots who are ready to replace us. Take me out to the ballgame use my plasma as fuel strap me into a nutrient pod ill prostrate myself to our new metal god and its beep beep blorp for the home team with cold, mechanical brains well cheer one, one zero oneoneone unless it rains ill hold for your applause. The coronavirus is still finding new ways to impact our lives. And the latest is that there wont be new emojis in 2021 due to coronavirus. Thats terrible. I want to respond with the emoji that expresses the grief that there are no new emojis, but theyre not releasing it. So until we get a new batch, well just have to use existing emjois to express what were going through right now. For example, if someone texts you a kid followed by a house, crying, fire, and then a tv, that means homeschooling. If someone sends you a peach and an eggplant, thats no longer sexual. They just really miss fresh produce. And if someone sends you a pile of poo followed a waving hand that means i have run out of toilet paper. And dignity. The best news out there is that social distancing is working. Those of you staying home are heroes. And not all heroes wear pants. But sometimes, they wear shirts. Which is why last week i announced these new united we stand, divided shirts at colbertlateshow. Com unitedwestand, to celebrate our collective action through individual inaction. 100 of the proceeds from these shirts go to world central kitchen, where our friend jose andres is helping put food on the table for hundreds of thousands of families who are out of work. And also to givedirectly, which distributes cash to where it can do the most good our nations poorest households. And im proud to say that, thanks to you, we have raised over 77,000 which brings our total to over 225,000. And all that money is going to help people, once we spray it with disinfectant. If you havent gotten your shirt yet, head to this address and order one today. Weve got a show for you tonight. Im going to be talking to Matthew Mcconaughey. Stick around. Hey calming financial plans, complete financial plans. Theyre all possible with a cfp® professional. Find yours at letsmakeaplan. Org. All the way out heree just for a blurry photo of me. Oh, thats a good one. Wait, whats that . Thats just the lowbattery warning. Oh, alright. Now its all, check out my rv, and, lets go fourwheeling. Maybe theres a little part of me that wanted to be seen. Well, progressive helps people save when they bundle their home with their outdoor vehicles. So theyve got other things to do now, bigfoot. Wait, whatd you just call me . Bigfoot . My name is daryl. Lets be honest. Quitting smoking is hard. Like, quitting every monday hard. Quitting feels so big. So try making it smaller, and youll be surprised at how easily starting small can lead to something big. Start stopping with nicorette. Way more than you think. Check out this game. Yes. Galaxy 5g means you will beat your friends what if i want to show my friend this little guy . Calling the whole gang is even better with galaxy 5g. Wait a minute, are you bored . Obviously imagine a future where the best seats in the house are in your hand. With galaxy 5g yelling its like being there. Without being there. Step by step, were going to figure this out. Were gonna find a way through this. Were working really, really hard in hospitals, our nurses, our techs, all the docs. Its about staggering when people get sick so that the hospitals can cope. Were gonna go through an awful lot of these. All across puget sound, people have been stepping up and donating personal protective equipment. We stay at work. For you. You stay at home for us. Just know were all with you. Thank you, thank you so much. Thank you doctors nurses. Stephen hey, everybody, welcome back. Lets take a minute right now to say hi to our good friend jon batiste. Jon, you there . Hey, im over here. How you doing . Stephen well. Good to see ya. Jon house of your easter . Stephen easter was beautiful. We went to church in my pajamas and evie and i had a cup of coffee and the dog and we went to mass right there looking at the computer screen. Thats the only thing we were missing. Jon yes, indeed. Stephen i am going to really get used to going to church in my pajamas with a cup of coffee. Man, its very comfortable. Stephen you usually have to wait till afterwards to get the coffee and the donuts. Jon i feel that. I was doing the same thing. Im just thankful for technology that we can have all these people come together zoom. We had a big dinner on zoom, and everybody was in their little square, it was amazing. Stephen thats nice. Hows your mom and dad . Jon great. Theyre doing good. Its kind of had hard being inside, you know, everybodys getting stir crazy, just want to get out and do something. Stephen well, would you mind playing a Little Something to calm us down . Oh, yeah, yeah. I got something up my sleeve. Lets see, calm for a rainy day. Ph jon batiste, everybody. Stay safe. Jon yes, indeed. See you, stay safe. Stephen folks, my guest tonight is a smoothtalkin car salesman. You also might know him from dazed and confused, true detective, and his oscarwinning role in dallas buyers club. Please welcome, Matthew Mcconaughey theres the man how are you, matthew . Were down here in austin, got mom here, the three kids, staying on the property, cooking a lot, cleaning a lot, doing the deal. Stephen thank you so much for being here, i likely appreciate it. This is the strangest kind of interviewing ive ever done. Im getting more used to it, though. All the meetings fhe p e gemik this i mean, its not as awkward as i thought it would be. Stephen no, no. Thank you for unmuting for this meeting, by the way. That would make this a lot easier. laughter you have been release ago lot of p. S. A. S on social media about coronavirus. How did that start . Jon well, three weeks ago, you know, i was in shock like everybody else, so it was, like, what is the message that needs to be out there . And i thou was, like, first message needed to be, hey, be cool, everybody. Were going to get through this, a little bit of reassurance in this time when we need to stabilize and wonder what the heck was going on. Then a couple of weeks ago, seemed like the obvious message that we needed to spread and share was stay home. So put one out about stay at home. Worked with a local friend of mine, roy spence, we worked on one and puppet it out about stay at home. Now we have a new factoid i believe Everyone Needs to follow up on about wearing a mask and covering your face if you have to leave. Stephen i think weve got a copy. You sent this on, did ya . Is this the new one . Stephen jim, lets roll this if we have it. Yeah, i met this guy in my backyard, man. Showed up and said you need to put me on the p. S. A. , share myself and my wisdom with the world, he said. Im Bounty HunterBobby Bandito but you can call me bobby d. I say its high time we catch this killer because we got more livin to. Do heres how lay down your favorite bandana, unfold it like so, get your trustd coffee filter you add on the. Go get you two rubber barntiondz roll them on, fold them over and youre good to go. Remember, stay at home, but if you got to go, strap it on like so. Now, im challenging all you triple bs out there, its time for us to band together and see who can make the most bad assed b bandana so we can beat the corona v bobby b style stephen tell me about this Bobby Bandito guy. He seems like a shady character. Bobby b . Yao got to be a ban disto ditto beat a bandit, you got to be a shady guy to beat the corona v. I saw this guy on my property. I said who are you, he said bobby b. Never saw him coming. Hes a Bounty Hunter and out to catch the corona v, reminding everybody to put a mask on if you have to leave home. Stephen can you teach me how to do it . First, you need your bandana. Hopefully its bad as. Stephen i dont know about bad as. What have i got here . Oh, yeah, thats bad as. Unfold that baby. Yeah, put it over into a stephen like this . Yeah. Go corner to corr, me i a d ipnd up littlego. Bit. You got a coffee filter, vacuum bag . Stephen i got one of these. Slide one of those in there, flatten it out. Stephen why am i putting a coffee filter in my bandana . There you go. Just a cotton from a bandana is not enough to keep the covid or corona v out if youre wearing it. But not much light comes through, thats good, because it will keep more of the germs out and in. So slide it in there. Put it under the fold a little bit. Got two rubber bands . Two hair ties from my wife and daughter. Stephen wife and daughter. Put your life on the left side, roll it down, roll it down, uhhuh, uhhuh. Stephen daughtee. Daughter on the right side. Roll it down. Then flip those ends to tin side, meaning where you holding stephen got it. Got it, got it, got it, got it . Stephen yeah. Now, youre good to go so strap it on like this. Oh, jeez, look at this. Look at this. You got to get it over the ear. Get it over the other ear okay. Yeah. Bobby b style. Stephen there you go i got a bad ear, though you have to get it over the other ear. Stephen i only got one ear that works. Look at this one right here. This one just flips over. A little flimsy. But if you get it tucked over that, bingo. Get it tucked over both ears, youre set. Stephen im all set. There. If you have two ears thatll work. Ill just have to staple gun it to my head. Or walk around like this with one hand pinned up to the side of your head. Stephen now, last thursday, is this you and youri . There are some that are gettable. Camilla, my wife we wanted on and did research for about 72 hours straight and found a lady in baton rouge, louisiana, with be strong who had a lot of masks, different ones for different purposes. So she went down and purchased 80,000, worked some funds up around here locally, and then the front senthem tofefers on din hospilsro louisiaor the nuer ofised ganizations thate ge stkpiles of masks theyre discovering . I have been so surprised, the number of people who have masks out there. I didnt realize stockpiling masks is the thing to do. I dont know if they were stockpiling or just forgot they had them. I dont think there was a time we thought we would need these masks. Just like the gloves. I