Tonight, earth dazed. Plus, stephen welcomes nathan lane and chef jose andres. Featuring jon batiste and stay homin. and now, live on tape from a safe distance, its stephen colbert. Stephen welcome to a late show. Im steve coalbert. Happy earth day, everyone. Today is a big one, because its the 50th earth day the big 50. And, i gotta say, earths still looking great. Shes just getting hotter every year, even with the receding glaciers and putting on a little water weight around the coastline. And earth is having kind of a moment right now because, with people staying home, the earth is turning wilder and cleaner, with reduced co2, better air quality, and animals roaming city streets. Turns out the best present for earth day is the same as mothers day time away from her children. Just get all the unruly humans out of her hair so mother earth can sit in a bubble bath and watch outlander. Now, while humans stay inside, the worlds cities are getting reclaimed by animals. A puma roamed the streets of santiago, chile. In india, hungry monkeys have been entering homes and opening refrigerators to look for food. And coyotes have been seen along chicagos Michigan Avenue. A coyote on Michigan Avenue thats crazy. Usually, what with the traffic, they have to take lake shore drive. So, dont be surprised if you see a wild animal wandering into your normal environment. Oh, god heres one now come here come here. Its the wild snuggle spaniel. Whos reclaiming the earth from the humans . You are yes, you are he loves me he loves this bye. Now, you have to leave. You cant just chew on the electrical cords. Out, out, give mush thanks, benny. I might need a lint roller. The kayot the coyotes werent the only wild animals doing their thing. So was president trump, who celebrated earth day by holding a Tree Planting ceremony. Or as he said were doing something i love doing planting trees. Ive always loved it. Stephen yes, two things donald trump has definitely always loved manual labor, and the thing where fruit comes from. Trump finally got around to actually planting the tree. Here he is getting his exercise for the decade. as trump ive gotten a lot of practice at my press conferences. Every day, i just dig that hole deeper and deeper and deeper. Trump also celebrated earth day by threatening to blow up the planet, tweeting, i have instructed the United States navy to shoot down and destroy any and all iranian gunboats if they harass our ships at sea. You read that right. Hes going shoot down boats. as trump we must respond to irans flying gunboats. Theyre just as dangerous as their flying carpets. Its a whole new world a new fantastic point of view no how does it go . Nowhere to go. Dont you dare close your eyes what trump is responding to is video from the navy showing that iranian vessels harassed American Warships in the arabian sea. Okay, thats not good, but why tweet about iran now . For that matter, why a new ban on immigration . No one can fly here anyway. Right now, you might as well ban mosh pits. But i have a theory, a theory, i tell you, about trumps random tweetsz. Trumps Approval Ratings are falling, and twothirds of americans say he was too slow to respond to the virus. Disapproval of trump is spreading faster than. Something. Whatever spreads really quickly if youre dumb enough to ignore it. So he is desperate to change the subject. And im not the only one to notice this. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said this yesterday he ignores his own responsibility and assigns blame instead of taking responsibility, paying attention to science, recognizing the role of governance in all of this to get the job done for the american people. And so hes engaged in distractions, like immigration, distractions, like supporting people on the street. Theyre all distractions away from the fact the known fact that hes a total failure when it comes to testing. Stephen aw, snap mr. President , you may want to get tested, because that burn was sick. Trump fired back with an official response to the speaker. as trump look out flying iranian gunboats run for your lives sincerely, president donald j. Trump cc jafar. Heres the thing trumps attempt to change the subject to immigration, or to china, or iran, or to anything is not going to work. One republican close to the white house told politico that messaging alone cannot solve the political challenge the pandemic presents for trump. as trump okay, how about messaging and sitting on my enormous, dimpled keister . Because im willing to do anything as long as it doesnt involve doing anything. The unnamed republican predicted, if the testing does not get sorted out as soon as possible, it will be another nail in an almost closed coffin. Well, thats an unfortunate metaphor during a global pandemic. Plus, if you want to get trumps attention, say its a nail in an almost empty chicken bucket. Trumps normal tricks he uses to change the narrative arent working, because its hard to come up with a more gripping narrative than stay inside, or you might die. You can tweet all you want, but its hard to capture peoples hearts and minds when theyre worried about their hearts and lungs. You cant have bill barr redact the virus, or call ukraine to get dirt on hunter virus, or get Mitch Mcconnell to have 51 republicans vote that there is no virus. You cant even pay the virus 130,000 to stay quiet, which is too bad, because this crisis is spanking your ass. So, if you want to keep your job, youre going to have to do the unthinkable your job. You know, make America Great again. Trump held another one of his coronavirus distractathons last night, and he tried to put a positive spin on how things were going. We continue to gain ground in the war against the unseen enemy, and i see light at the end of the tunnel. I actually see a lot of light at the end of the tunnel. And were starting the process. So the light is getting brighter and brighter every day. Stephen as trump the light is also making a really, really fun train noise. Wooowooo everyone keeps yelling, mr. President , get off the tracks, mr. President , but im staying focused on that approaching light. Its coming pretty fast. Whatever trump is seeing, certain states, like georgia, are ignoring the advice of experts and starting to reopen. So he and his team were asked about how exactly thats supposed to work. Reporter how do you safely have hair salons and nail salons and tattoo parlors where people inherently where is that . Where is that . Reporter this is in georgia, where people have to inherently be close together . So if theres a way that people can social distance and do those things, then they can do those things. I dont know how. But people are very creative. Stephen yes, barbers and hair stylists just need to be very creative, like duct taping hair clippers to a couple of yard sticks, or just submerging customers in barbacide. Treasury secretary Steve Mnuchin the nuch, also took questions during the the briefing about Large Companies accepting smallbusiness loans, and trump had some thoughts. Reporter mr. Secretary, are you going to request that those other companies obviously, shake shack was not alone in being a big company that got money in this are you going to be asking im going to request them. Youre going ask them im going to request to return that money. Yep. Harvards going to pay back the money. And they shouldnt be taking it. They are going to pay back that money. Stephen yeah, harvard, you know the deal you dont get to take millions of dollars, unless you also agree to take jared. Jared slam Stephen Harvard responded to the president s attack, saying that it had not received any funds through the p. P. P. , but it had received funds through the cares act to provide assistance to students facing urgent financial needs due to covid19. Okay, thats a solid fact check. Sounds like somebody at harvard went to harvard. Harvard slam stephen trump was also asked about how the pandemic is affecting workers at his own properties. Reporter your florida clubs have had to furlough workers. Thats true. Have you thought about, you know, asking maybe your family members to maybe keep workers on the payroll to help in doral, youre not allowed to have the golf courses open. You cant have the clubs open. You cant have anything. I have a lot of different properties. But, again, my children run them, and i love my children, and i wish them well. I look forward to comparing my numbers to my childrens numbers. I think ill do better. Stephen thats an insane thing for a father to say. Can you imagine someone saying anything like that on their death bed . Children, gather round, i just want you to know, i. Love. Being better than you. I mean, just look at my numbers. Youre human garbage. One guy whos super gungho about risking other peoples lives is texas Lieutenant Governor, dan patrick. The Lieutenant Governor, went on the tv monday to make the case for states reopening their economies, and heres how he started in texas, 29 million people. Weve lost 495, and every life is valuable, but stephen okay, let me stop you there. Anytime you start a sentence with every life is value, but, chances are youre not the hero of the story. You never heard gandhi say, every life is valuable, but i wanna have my Birthday Party at a Bowling Alley dont make me stop eating again. Im sorry, Lieutenant Governor, go on weve lost 495, and every life is valuable, but 500 people out of 29 million, and we are locked down, and we are crushing the average worker. We are crushing a small business. We are crushing the markets. We are crushing this country. There are more important things than living. Things and stop wasting space and precious toilet paper. This is a Lieutenant Governor saying you might die, but at least it will help businesses. Hes following that classic political advice its the economy. Im stupid. New york continues to be the hot spot for the coronavirus here in the u. S. , but there is some good news in the big sterilized apple. A few weeks ago, the federal government sent new york a Naval Hospital ship, the usns comfort, to help ease the burden on local hospitals. But yesterday, Governor Andrew Cuomo told trump that the comfort is no longer needed in new york city. Woo, that is great news time to pop the champagne bottles this is no time to pop the champagne bottles. Stephen okeydoke. Back to the bourbon. But one new york official who is ready to think about celebrating is new york city mayor and man keeping a very watchful eye on that last doughnut, bill de blasio. Even though new yorkers are hunkered down for the foreseeable future, de blasios looking ahead. When that day comes that we can restart the vibrant, Beautiful Life of this city again, the first thing we will do is have a tickertape parade down the canyon of heroes for our healthcare workers and our first responders. Stephen yes lets give those healthcare workers what they desperately want thousands of strangers crowded together, throwing garbage at them. But dont worry. De blasio has all sorts of genius ideas. Just this week, he encouraged new yorkers to rat on people who arent observing social distancing, telling them to snap a photo of an offending person or crowd, set the location on the image, and text it to 311692. And new yorkers responded, because de blasios social distancing tip line was immediately flooded with penis photos. new york accent hey, mister mayor i saw this big hairy guy loitering down in my pants why dont you come over and slap him around a bit . Theres a fiver in it for you. Weve got a show for you tonight. Was the fiver too much . Was the fiver too much . Nathan lane is here. And i will cook with chef jose andres. But when we return, ladies and gentlemen, the mayor of las vegas is ready to gamble on the coronavirus. Stick around. This is an athlete, twenty reps deep, sprinting past every leak in our softest, smoothest fabric. Shes confident, protected, her strength respected. Depend. The only thing stronger than us, is you. All the way out here just for a blurry photo of me. Shes confident, protected, her strength respected. Oh, thats a good one. Wait, whats that . Thats just the lowbattery warning. Oh, alright. Now its all, check out my rv, and, lets go fourwheeling. Maybe theres a little part of me that wanted to be seen. Well, progressive helps people save when they bundle their home with their outdoor vehicles. So theyve got other things to do now, bigfoot. Wait, whatd you just call me . Bigfoot . My name is daryl. When you think of a bank, you think of people in a place. But when you have the chase mobile app, your bank can be virtually any place. So, when you get a check. You can deposit it from here. And you can see your transactions and check your balance from here. You can save for an emergency from here. Or pay bills from here. So when someone asks you, wheres your bank . You can tell them heres my bank. Or heres my bank. Or, heres my bank. Because if you download and use the chase mobile app, your bank is virtually any place. Visit chase. Com mobile. That could mean an increase byin energy bills. You can save by setting your heat to 68 or lower. Unplugging and turning off devices when not in use. Or just letting the sun light your home. Stay well and keep it golden. Stephen everybody, welcome back. Say hi to our friendion bapeeft. Excuse me while i clean up my area here. Nchtsz you cant have clutter. That cant help with corona. Stephen cant get away from it. Are you doing your chores . Are you cleaning up around your house . Jon yeah, yeah, i do chores. I clean up. I disinfect the mail. I do all kinds of stuff to really clean my keys and my phone, i separate clorox water everything and. Like my boys will hurlin reilly and Shannon Pauley made up a song. It goes like this dont let corona get up on ya. Ive been doing that. Stephen jon batiste. I want to start with a quick correction. I will never lie to you, audience. During the first act, i said this is bourbon. Its actually mount gay rum. Im just being seasonal. Im here with my son john. Give it up. My wife. That one wasnt as good. laughter that one wasnt as good. Do you want to try it again . We missed completely. One more time. Just the tip. It hurt a lot, though. That cowntsz for something. One politician desperate to reopen her city is las vegas mayor carolyn goodman, seen here. Pretty sure no one can tell shes hung over. Mayor goodman wants las vegas to reopen casinos and let the ones with the most infections then close. Theres no telling which casino is most at risk, but my moneys on sneezers palace. Thank you. Goodman went on with Anderson Cooper this afternoon, and he was having none of it. So, you want stadiums open . Id love everything open, because i think weve had viruses for years. Stephen yes, theyve had viruses for years. You know their motto what happens in vegas can be cleared up with some valtrex. Cooper continued to hammer the idea. Casino owners, im sure theyre probably doing okay. Its the people who are working on the floor who are the ones who are going to become infected, and potentially die. Youre talking disease. Im talking life. Im talking life and living. These are people who have had okay, that makes no sense. Stephen neither does trying to rebuild venice in the middle of a desert, but vegas did it, baby then cooper challenged her to go to the casinos every night, once theyve reopened, and heres what she said first of all, i dont gamble. Stephen well, sure, not with your life. Come on papa needs a new pair of lungs anderson tried to talk sense into the mayor, but she proved remarkably senseresistant. Chinese researchers have shown how this virus spreads. I just want to put up for our viewers, this is a restaurant anderson, you are tough. This isnt china. This is las vegas, nevada. Stephen okay, thats really ignorant. Stephen he just called his guest ignorant. And he works with rick santorum. Slam torrum well be right back with nathan lane. P n seal. Easier to grip and open for the worlds greatest parents. Sc johnson step up. Prep up. Up. Prep up. To help keep you free from the risk of hiv. From the makers of truvada, theres another prep option descovy for prep. 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Its about staggering when people get sick so that the hospitals can cope. Were gonna go through an awful lot of these. All across puget sound, people have been stepping up and donating personal protective equipment. We stay at work. For you. You stay at home for us. Just know were all with you. Thank you, thank you so much. Thank you doctors nurses. Stephen welcome back. He is a threetime tony award winner you know from angels in america, the producers, and the birdcage.