Plus many more so what are you waiting for . Order surfin mia today, and enjoy summer the way it was meant to be spent alone and in da its a late show with stephen colbert. Tonight depress briefing. Plus, stephen welcomes Jake Gyllenhaal and musical guest m. Ward featuring jon batiste and stay homin. and now, live on tape from a safe distance, its stephen colbert. Stephen if its true, that will be great. Oh, hi. Welcome to a late show. Im your host, stephen colbert. My wife and i were just talking out whats actually happening so we can all go bao living our lives. Sure, im just looking forward to the glorious day when this scriess over, and i can rip off my mask and go into a crowded room full of elderly people and lick them all. And what gets me is President Trump should have seen the covid crisis coming. Were now learning that as far back as january, the president s intelligence briefing book repeatedly cited the virus threat. Well, theres your problem. Those are three of trumps least favorite words intelligence, briefing, and book. If they really wanted him to pay attention, they should have called it his daily pornographic hamburger fire truck. For a guy who doesnt know what hes talking about, trump sure does talk a lot. He was at it again yesterday, but not without a little drama because, in one day, the white house scheduled, canceled, then rescheduled the press briefing. Who changes their mind that its a press briefing, don, not a wedding vow. Trump was asked about his suggestion last week that people inject disinfectant to cure the coronavirus. Reporter maryland and other states governor larry hogan, specifically said theyve seen a spike in people using disinfectant after your comments last week. I know you said theyre sarcastic but i cant imagine why. I cant imagine why, yeah. Reporter do you take any responsibility if someone were to die . No, i cant imagine i cant imagine that. Stephen i cant imagine why those people followed your advice. Its a real mystery specifically, nancy drew and the case of bleach she drank after trump told her to. Then, the president shifted blame to his longtime nemesis fill in the blank. It could have been stopped, and it could have been stopped short. But somebody a long time ago, it seems, decided not to do it that way. And the whole world is suffering because of it. Stephen as trump yes, someone should have stopped it, a long time ago, and i dont wanna say where. Lets just say in a galaxy far, far away. That bad guy had a ventilator on his face. He knew something was up. Now, at the briefing, the Trump Administration unveiled what they called their blueprint for increasing testing capacity. But it leaves the onus on states to develop their own plans. So their plan is make someone else come up with a plan. And im being told we have a copy of the trump blueprint in fact, the federal supplier of last resort. That is inspiring leadership, just like braveheart they may take our lives, but theyll never take our freedom anyway, thats the blueprint good luck im a fighter of last resoooort stephen then reporters grilled Vice President mike pence about why the number of tests has been so much lower than what he said they would be almost two months ago. Reporter mr. Vice president , back in early march, you said wed get four million tests by the following week. Weve just now gotten there in the last few days. What lessons have you learned from the mistakes over the last month and a half or so . Jon, i appreciate the question, but it represents a misunderstanding on your part and, frankly, a lot of people in the publics part about the difference between having a test, versus thee test. Stephen well, okay, but if you dont process the tests, you dont get any results theres a reason why when you take a pregnancy test two minutes later, it doesnt say congratulations, its pee. But i dont know why were listening to that guy at all, because today pence visited the mayo clinic, where he was the only person not wearing a face mask. Oh, my god you are the head of the Coronavirus Task force, and youre in the hospital, and youre the only one without a mask. Hold on, ive got a mask for you right here. Its not like the Vice President didnt know. The hospital has a strict policy requiring all visitors to wear masks and tweeted after pences visit, mayo clinic had informed v. P. Of the masking policy prior to his arrival today. Wow. That must have been harsh for mike pence to get roasted by his idol mayo. While pence was saying it and spraying it, trump had a coronavirus meeting with florida governor, ron desantis, seen here estimating the size of his brain. Right off the bat, trump offered some crazy ideas to fight the virus, like banning entire countries from entering florida. Youre gonna be cutting off brazil. Not cut them off. But if youre going to fly to miami, then the airlines should give you the abbott test, and then put you on the plane. Would you ever want to ban, certain countries . If there if they were seeding the United States, i think we should ban them. Youll let us know. Stephen what . What do you mean, youll let us know . Ron desantis will let the president of the United States know if he wants to ban a country . Thats not how this works. I dont trust florida with international policy. I barely trust florida with florida. Dont ask their advice. Doesnt trump know asking a floridian for advice is floridas leading cause of death . And then desantis boasted about floridas success. His secret having Jared Kushner on speed dial. When everyone is talking about 40,000 ventilators in new york. I was in touch with jared, and he said they arent going to need that. And i said i agree with your numbers. Maybe things will change. So they were ready at a moments notice to get the ventilators wherever they were needed. They were ready, willing, and able to do that. Stephen im not saying desantis is an asskisser. He could use jareds butt as a ventilator. Stephen it turns out not only are the airlines flying. Theyre still crowding people on board. Look at recent footage of a flight from new york to charlotte, North Carolina. Now, of course, thats back in coach. In first class you get coronavirus on your hot towel. The passenger who took this video tweeted, she never felt less safe or cared for in her entire life. Obviously, she has never flown on spirit airlines. When when another passenger asked about the crowded plane yes, we know it is a business, but when you started charging us an extra 70 for blood circulation. But some airlines are trying to adapt to the coronavirus world. For example, jetblue is the first u. S. Airline to require passenger face masks. Jetblues chief operating officer explained that this is the new flying etiquette. Replacing the old flying etiquette none. And jetblue isnt the only airline doing virus prevention, because airasia has launched a new Flight Attendant uniform with long sleeves, face mask, and hood. So, apparently, now your flight crew is manned by a posse of break dancers from chernobyl. Air travel is the least of our problems, though, because americans could see meat shortages by the end of the week. Apparently, outbreaks are forcing the closure of some of the countrys biggest slaughterhouses for safety reasons. You know its bad if slaughterhouses are doing something for safety reasons. Theyre pretty tough places. Theres a reason they dont call them cuddle houses. According to the chairman of tyson foods mike tyson, im going to say supplychain issues mean that millions of pounds of meat will disappear. A phrase thats actually inscribed over the door frame of every arbys. The shortage has already begun. Almost a third of u. S. Pork capacity is down. It doesnt help that arbys just introduced their new sandwich the u. S. Pork capacity. Fortunately, this problem came to the attention of americas numberone meat fan. Because, today, trump ordered u. S. Meat plants to stay open amid the pandemic. Ww. He really acted quickly to save the meats. Maybe they should have put that in the initial intelligence briefing. as aide mr. President , hundreds of thousands of americans could be infected with this deadly virus. And some of those people make your hamburgers. as trump quick. Ramp up the testing and fire up the grill. Of course, i dont know why anyone is surprised by this. That old crone tried to warn us of the coming meat shortage years ago. Wheres the beef . Stephen we have a great show for you tonight. Ill be talking to the lovely and talented Jake Gyllenhaal. But when we return meanwhile. little girl thank you, love you neighbors thank you thank you [clinking and applause continues] confident financial plans, calming financial plans, complete financial plans. Theyre all possible with a cfp® professional. Find yours at letsmakeaplan. Org. Guys guys safe drivers save 40 safe drivers save 40 safe drivers save 40 thats safe drivers save 40 . It is, thats safe drivers save 40 . Hes right there. Its him safe drivers do save 40 . Click or call for a quote today. Safe dr life is too far. You cant do it on your own but time will show and dont you know how bad we need each other . You know what im saying . Hmmm. Mmm. Mmmm. Mmmm stephen hey, everybody. Welcome back. Were already here talking with our friend jon batiste. We were just working out some we were just working out some some some. Jon common tonality harmony. Stephen thats exactly what i was going to say, common tonality harmony. Jon its a fun game. Just play the one note. Stephen aaahh jon oooh. Stephen can i sing jazz . You bet. Ready . Aaaahhhh. No matter what he plays, im ready. Jon youre a bad cat. Stephen oh, yeah, im way gone, daddyo. laughter how are you doing today . You look all fresh and happy. Jon yeah. Im good. I was just checking speaking of jazz, i was listening to duke eling ton on the dick cavett show. I hadphen wow. That show. And i checked that out, man, and i was pleasantly surprised to teph thats nice. What did they talk about . Jon well, i was just listening to it just before we started talking. But they were starting to talk about how hes on the road and he never leaves the road. Like, Duke Ellington stephen like, didnt have a home, just was always on the road. Jon yes. And his idea of touring that was it didnt exist. Theres no such thing as touring. Its just a way of life. And that was really interesting to hear how he approached the music like that. Stephen wow, wow. Hard on the family, i guess. Jon yeah. Thats not for me. But. You know, duke made great music, so maybe he figured something out, you know. Stephen thank you, jon. Jon much love. Stephen yknow, i spend most of my time sitting right here, bringing together the organic whole wheat flour, the triple frenchflaked sea salt, and fresh active bakers yeast that are the big stories of the day, proofing and baking them into the artisanal baguette that is my monologue. But sometimes, sometimes, instacart cant get any of that stuff. So i like to also sit right here, rummage through the news pantry for some expired cake mix, soak some raisins in tepid orange juice to ferment my own yeast, and throw in the baking soda from the back of the crisper to make the hobostyle quartined meanwhile segment qrantinewhile stephen quarantinewhile, in california, a trio of suspected thieves was arrested in what police are calling a heinous toilet paper caper. You can see it all in the new action comedy oceans number 2. Police were patrolling a Shopping Mall parking lot when they came across the thieves trying steal 31 rolls of toilet paper, 31 towels of various sizes, and four sets of bed sheets. No judgement, but it really sounds like those thieves are planning to wipe their butts with towels and sheets. It would explain charmins new slogan enjoy the go, dread the laundry. Quarantinewhile, americans are stockpiling frozen pizza, causing a potential shortage amid the coronavirus. Really . Frozen pizza . Fresh pizza is one of the things you can still have brought to you. Frozen pizza is a last resort. Thats why the slogan is, its not delivery. Its de only thing we have. Quarantinewhile, a dog has tested positive for coronavirus, marking the first known positive case in a dog in the United States. E victim here, but i doubt the dog was observing proper hygiene protocols while licking its own butt. Canine patient zero is a pug from North Carolina named winston, seen here contaminating the photographer. But you dont have to worry about him because, apparently, he was only sick for a few days and is now doing much better. Though, keep in mind, this is a pug were talking about. So this is what it looks like when hes feeling healthy. Now, this isnt just a dog problem, because some cats have also tested positive for coronavirus. Hold up, how are these dogs and cats even getting access to covid19 tests . Do they play in the n. B. A . You know, theres nothing in the rule book that says a dog cant play in the n. B. A. Quarantinewhile, the pentagon has officially released u. F. O. Y videos were first released by a company cofounded by former blink182 musician tom delonge. Will all sensitive government secrets now come from 90s pop bands . I look forward to getting north Korean Missile defense information from smashmouth. Ate agent smaghtmouth. Agent smaght agent smaghtmouth. Its not easy to say, agent smashmouth. Agent smashmouth, how did you come by this information . Somebody once told me those launchpads arent phony i think this is a credible threeat quarantinewhile, a family in iowa made a sidewalk chalk Monopoly Game during the covid19 lockdown. Heres video of the gameboard winding through their neighborhood. Isnt that nice . Look at that. Thats cool. Very impressive. And way safer than my idea fullsized hungry hungry hippos. Well be right back with Jake Gyllenhaal. Somebody once told me smashmouth its time to step up. Prep up. Step up. Prep up. To help keep you free from the risk of hiv. From the makers of truvada, theres another prep option descovy for prep. A oncedaily prescription medicine that helps lower the chances of getting hiv through sex. Its not for everyone. Descovy for prep has not been studied in people assigned female at birth. Talk to your doctor to find out if its right for you. Step up. For health and body. Prep up for your one and only love or many loves. For kings, this queen, and you royals in between. For my now. Our now. And my future. Our future. Step up. Prep up. Descovy is another way to prep. Descovy does not prevent other sexually transmitted infections, so its important to use safer sex practices and get tested regularly. You must be hivnegative to take descovy for prep. So you need to get tested for hiv immediately before and at least every 3 months while taking it. If you think you were exposed to hiv or have flulike symptoms, tell your doctor right away. They may check to confirm you are still hivnegative. Serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems and kidney failure. Rare, lifethreatening side effects include a buildup of lactic acid and liver problems. The most common side effect was diarrhea. Tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. If you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking descovy without talking to your doctor. Ask your doctor about your risk of hiv and if descovy for prep is right for you. Words are loud but actions are louder. Step up. Prep up. With descovy for prep. Get help paying for descovy for prep. Learn more at stepupprepup. Com show me reality. Tv. Where my hobbits at . Play lord of the rings. Play my straight outta the shire playlist. I want to see the king. Find lebron. Search more cartoons. Play the last o. G. Take me to the streets, play sesame street. Me want more cookies. Find the things you love with a voice command. Introducing at t tv. With live tv and access to streaming apps. Plug in and watch, with easy selfsetup. Shipped directly to you. When taking a break from everyday life is critical to everyones health, there is one thing we can all do together complete the 2020 census. Your responses are critical to plan for the next 10 years of health care, infrastructure, and education. Lets make a difference, together, by taking a few minutes to go online to 2020census. Gov. Its for the wellbeing of your community and will help shape americas future. Just like covered california teammateshelps you finder find a americway to win, Health Insurance you can afford. Theyre the only place you can get Financial Assistance to help pay for Health Coverage. Plus, this year, the state is providing more help than ever before. And because a new law requires californians to have Health Coverage or pay a penalty, covered california has made it easier to get financial help, but times limited. Visit coveredca. Com or call to enroll today. Stephen welcome back, everybody. You know my first guest from films such as brokeback mountain, nightcrawler, and spiderman far from home. Please welcome to a late show, Jake Gyllenhaal jake hi shhh shhh tehhh phen whats up . Y e why are we whispering . I have i have sourdough rising. Shhh its resting. My sourdough is resting. Stephen is that something sourdough shhh stephen is that something sourdough has to do . It has to rest. Yes stephen i dont i dont know. We can spieng a little. Theyre deep sleeping. Stephen is it have you have you fallen into the sourdough cult . Because thats something thats obsetion a lot of people right now. As my hair has grown longer and as i i have sort of slowly inched into the hipster world, ive found myself falling in love with sourdough. Actually, i have eye have nothing i have nothing to do, and so my i have a good friend who is a baker in san francisco. He has an amazing bakery called the mill, and we were talking. And i i i hate this, but i was like, you can teach me how to can you teach me how to do a sourdough starter . And so off off i went. Stephen did he teach you how to do a sourdough starter or did he give you sourdough starter . He he gave me what he calls josies magic. He sent it to me in the mail. His name is josie baker. He sent it to me in the mail, and i thought it was some illegal substance. And then i used it. It didnt fully work, but she sent me some flower with it, some rye flower whispering some rye flower. Stephen i asked for this reason because i have some. I have this stuff right here. I havent done anything with it yet. But it it my niece is making sourdough. It certainly smells sour. Its like it smells