Scandal, and paper retirement. These have been some of the greatest days of my life. Now i go on to bigger things partial ownership of the local pontac dealer. Stop by a4 auto for great deals on new and used pontacs. Paper sports still more exciting than baseball. Its a late show with stephen colbert. Tonight mall victories. Plus, stephen welcomes senator Amy Klobuchar and mayor Pete Buttigieg and musical guest haim featuring jon batiste and stay homin. and now, live on tape from a safe distance, its stephen colbert. Stephen i wont do it without you. Okay. Stephen hey and welcome to a late show. Im your host, stephen colbert. And im happy to say today im joined as my stage manager and cameraman and sound person, my lovely wife, evie. Ef, wont you just join us . Thank you very much hello. Stephen there you go we just got a mature rating. And it makes me happy to have my wife here, and i need something to make me happy, and im sure you do, too. Because yesterday, we as a nation hit a terrible milestone in the pandemic, because the United States just passed one million coronavirus cases. Though some disease researchers have estimated that the true number of infections may be about ten times the known number. Thats not exactly comforting, some disease researchers you never hear a mom telling her kid, i know youre scared of the monster under your bed, but, actually, there could be ten monsters under your bed. But theres no way to know, because theyre invisible. Good night even more tragically, the number of u. S. Coronavirus fatalities is now greater than u. S. Losses in the vietnam war. And just like in the vietnam war, donald trump is awol. Thats how you spem ahole, right . Yes. Stephen so america has over one million coronavirus cases and more fatalities than vietnam. Theres no getting around it this is a solemn day for everyone except president ial soninlaw, and man watching you enjoy that lollipop, jared kushner. Heres what hared said this morning on the fox and the friend. I think that we have achieved all the different milestones that are needed. So the federal government rose to the challenge, and this is a Great Success story. And i think that thats really, you know, what needs to be told. Stephen as jared yes, its a great story. More people dying under this administration in 100 days than died in 20 years of the vietnam war. Thats a story that needs to be told. Perhaps in the blockbuster movie preventable apocalypse now. and im being told we have a clip. The success. The success. Stephen the president was asked about those infection numbers today. Reporter today we had a grim milestone of one million cases of the coronavirus. Back in late february, you predicted that the number of cases would go down to zero. How did we get from your prediction of zero to one million . Well, it will go down to zero, ultimately. Stephen okay, sure. Technically, in time, we all eventually go down to zero, which is the ultimate target weight. Trump has been criticized for the lack of testing, but he doesnt see the problem. We are doing more testing than any other country in the world by far. So, were gonna show more cases, because we are doing much, much more testing, double anybody else. Somebody said if you add everybody else combined, that would be a number. Stephen hes right. That would be a number. Tomorrow, hes going to do colors and shapes. Plus, it may be a number, but dont believe trump. That number is not one, because when it comes to percapita testing, the United States. Is below the world average and about the same as belarus. Now, if you dont know, belarus was formerly part of the soviet union and currently a country you dont want to be about the same as. Now, this press conference was supposed to be about everything he was doing to help Small Businesses, and trump hit them with some philosophy. Small business. It is actually very big business, when you think about it. Stephen as trump small is actually very big. At least thats what i paid stormy to say. The white house is having to do some cleanup after mike pence visited the mayo clinic and wouldnt wear a mask. Finally, a medical explanation for why seeing mike pences face makes you feel ill. And it explains why his secret Service Agent was wearing this one. Pence was asked about his disregard for the rules, and he said this since i dont have the coronavirus, i thought it would be a Good Opportunity for me to be here, to be able to speak to these researchers, these incredible healthcare personnel, and look them in the eye and say thank you. Stephen you can still look them in the eye with a mask. Its not a blindfold. Also, i dont have coronavirus isnt an excuse for not protecting other people. Its like a guy saying, i dont need to wear a condom. I want to look you in the eye and say thank you. That was polite. No, you dont like that one . Too bad. By the way, for mike pence, looking you in the eye is second base. Pence pointed out that hes pretty sure hes not contagious. Im tested for the coronavirus on a regular basis, and everyone who is around me is tested for the coronavirus. Stephen none of us can get a test, and youre out there bragging about how often youre tested. Thats like Mother Teresa visiting the hungry while scarfing a hoagie. The reason we have to wear masks is the virus is still out there, and we have to be wary of it when gathering in public spaces, which were about to do a lot more of because the biggest mall operator in the United States plans to reopen 49 of them. No bood mall thats not a good idea. We must keep social distanci ane shes very old. And so are the pressils. The malls are making special safety announcements, and food Court Seating will be spaced to encourage social distancing, and reusable trays will be banished. Thats right banished. Hear ye, hear ye, his noble highness burger king hereby banishes from the realm all reusable trays. And for failing to bear him a son, her majesty, the dairy queen, shall be beheaded with a plastic spork. As a further precaution, in restrooms, every other sink and urinal will be taped off. Well, thats at least good news for one company ralphs sink and urinal tape. Its boom time, baby in your face, johnnys big garbage bag you put over the whole toilet with these malls opening up, its an exciting opportunity for stores that cater to social isolation, like forever 21 feet apart, and gamestop. There was an inspiring message today from new york governor and man watching Stephen Miller swallow a mouse, andrew cuomo. At todays covid briefing, cuomo stressed that its ordinary americans like you who are leading the way on the coronavirus response. And arts and crafts were involved. I want to show you a selfportrait that was done by american people. This is a selfportrait of america. Okay . That is a selfportrait of america. And you know what it spells . It spells love. Weve received thousands of masks from all across america, unsolicited, in the mail homemade, creative, personal, with beautiful notes from all across the country. Literally. Just saying, thinking about you, we care, we love you, we want to help. Stephen that is beautiful, but you know what i bet those notes didnt say . Why dont you staple gun these masks to a wall . Again it is a beautifu iely ges. God bless everyone who did this. But were going through a pandemic. Im not sure the best use of medical equipment is making a collage. Thats like a food bank saying, thanks for your donation this can of beans will be a great addition to our bean can wall if you look closely, it spells bean. now you werent sure where that joke was going, were you . Youre not sure, would this be worth the trip . I dont know if it was. Stephen totally worth the trip. There is some good covid news out there. Researchers at Oxford University have developed a vaccine thats effective in monkeys. Oh, those lucky monkeys, always getting the first inject. While the rest of us are cooped up at home, these monkeys are Walking Around resuming their normal lives like sports, cat washing, and writing my show. Researchers inoculated six monkeys with their vaccine. These animals were then exposed to heavy quantities of the virus, i assume by going bowling in georgia. But heres the good news more than 28 days later, all six were healthy. This is important, because according to the researcher who conducted the test, the rhesus macaque is pretty much the closest thing we have to humans. Well, any drunk, lonely zookeeper could have told you that. Oxfords scientists had already been working on a vaccine for a different strain of coronavirus, so if this vaccine proves safe and effective, the first few million doses could be available by september. Yes just in time to go out and rake the fall leaves. And then use them as toilet paper. Because im definitely going to run out by then. This vaccine presents one ethical dilemma. See, scientists cant expose test subjects to a dangerous virus on purpose, leading one researcher to say, were the only people in the country who want the number of new infections to stay up for another few weeks, so we can test our vaccine. Really, youre the only people . Have you met Vice President disease vector . Coronavirus is impacting every aspect of our lives. And now its come for our most precious resource, award shows, because the academy of Motion Picture arts and sciences has announced that, due to the nationwide lockdown, the 2021 oscars will consider films that didnt play in theaters. Okay, well, this is huge news for all 412 hallmark christmas movies like the christmas santa, a santa for christmas, all i want for christmas is you, santa, and twas the night after christmas. Its mostly about breaking down boxes. The academy stressed that this change isnt permanent, and the temporary rules are very strict, because to be considered, the streamed film must have already had a planned theatricalevsche ive got to say, i agree with the academy in fact, i think they should go further. Because you know what movies released straight to streaming are . Tv ipso tuxedo, i should be eligible for an oscar my show is exactly like a movie theres a soundtrack, theres big stars, and no good time to sneak off to the bathroom. I usually just go during meanwhile. Weve got a good show for you tonight. My guest guests are senator Amy Klobuchar, and mayor Pete Buttigieg. But when we return, sex. What . Why are you laughing when i said, sex . Why does the idea of sex and me make you laugh . Stop . Okay. I should stop. E do i hear 7 . 7 in the front 7 going once. Going twice. Soldo ion lover in the front row next up is lot number 17, a spinach and artichoke dip, beautifully set in a hollowedout loaf of sourdough bread. Dont get mad get e trade and get more than just trading investing. Banking. Guidance. Sprinting past every leak in our softest, smoothest fabric. Shes confident, protected, her strength respected. Depend. The only thing stronger than us, is you. Shes life is too farted, you cant do it on your own imw and dont you know how bad we need each other . You know what im saying . Hmmm. Mmmm. Mmm witpeople at higher riskng, must take extra precautions. You are at higher risk if you are over 65, or if you have an underlying medical condition. Please visit coronavirus. Gov for more information. Stephen hey, everybody, welcome back. Say hello to our friend jon batiste. Jon, how are you doing . Jon im swinging ove hey stephen guess whos my stage manager today . Come on, say hi. Jon wait, where did you go . I lost you. Hi, jon i cant see you. Jon we cant see you. I cant see you over here. I can hear you, though. Hey, evie, how you doing . Stephen shes youre too dazzling. You busted the lens, darling. Can you not see us, jon . Jon no, no. Stephen we can see you. I think i need to be fired. Stephen youre not going anywhere. I cant do this. Stephen youre not going anywhere its really hard. Stephen it is hard, isnt it . All right, well, weve got to go, but lets hit it, jon. What have you got . Jon some duke for his birthday. Te everybody mass social isolation is causing us to discover all sorts of surprising and unexpected stuff. For instance, having to walk around in a face mask has truly brought home for me just how terrible my breath is. Can you get brain damage from your own chili burps . Its like being locked in a trunk with roadkill. Come on, its shocking another unexpected effect from the pandemic. Apparently, selfisolation is making people horny. So, if youre feeling a little hot under the collar, it might not be a fever either way, stay away from your grandma. Researchers have offered potential explanations for increasing libidos, including, more leisure time, fewer outlets for socializing, and that the fear of death can prompt more sexual desire as a coping mechanism. Thats a bit morbid, but it does explain the directors cut of the ring. Ive been really trying baby stephen but i believe that despite this, sex isnt the thing that people are really hot for. And i am here to help. Hey, there. Lying weak at night . If youve seen the news, yes. Youre aching for something forbidden, longing for behavior thats so, so wrong. Well, the late show has footage of exactly what you crave basic human interaction. Highfives. Handshakes firm handshakes. Were talkin hugs. They just met. Weve also got footage of meetings with coworkers that go on and on and on. People waiting in line at the bank sharing that dirty little bin penn on that dirty little chain. They dont know where its been. And we know what you really want to see groups of 10 or more, total strgs. Its a nonames game stand. And feast your eyes on Nanas Birthday Party old people mingling for hours, not a care in the world. doorbell rings oh and whos that at the door . Its the hot young pizza guy. And guess what hes dliferlg . Pizza. For sharing. Oh, yeah. The late shows archive of ve. Ic human interaction. Stephen well be right back with senator Amy Klobuchar stephen well be right back with senator Amy Klobuchar and mayor Pete Buttigieg. To us at best foods, taste is everything. And we believe great taste starts with great ingredients. Because at best foods, were on the side of food. Hold on one second. Sure. Okay. Okay safe drivers save 40 guys guys check it out. Safe drivers save 40 safe drivers save 40 safe drivers save 40 thats safe drivers save 40 . It is, thats safe drivers save 40 . Hes right there. Its him hes here. Hes right here. Hi hi. Hey thats totally him. Its him thats totally the guy. Safe drivers do save 40 . Click or call for a quote today. Safe drivers do save 40 . Its interesting what happens you tvee of thing. Lit but everything. Because when each part does everything better than ever. Imagine what you can do with the sum of those parts. The new dell xps 10th gen intel bong when you think of a bank, you think of people in a place. But when you have the chase mobile app, your bank can be virtually any place. So, when you get a check. You can deposit it from here. And you can see your transactions and check your baemergency from here. For n or pay bills from here. So when someone asks you, wheres your bank . You can tell them heres my bank. Or heres my bank. Or, heres my bank. Because if you download and use the chase mobile app, your bank is virtually any place. Visit chase. Com mobile. Stephen welcome back, everybody. Sitting down with me tonight are two midwesterners who ran tough primary campaigns. Please welcome senator Amy Klobuchar, and mayor Pete Buttigieg. Senator, mayor, thanks so much for being here. Good to be with you. Thanks for having us. Great. Stephen so how is the Campaign Going . I kind of lost track of it after a while. Now that ive been in quarantine who won ohio . I forget. D ouent rningl, everybody. Everybody is stuck at home. How are you handling it . You know, its as good as can be. Its a terrible situation for the country and everybody is having to adapt. But all this after a year of almost never being at home, finding all the all the chores left to be done, making the most of time. By the end of the campaign, we would celebrate if the scheduled said wood be in the same Hotel Room Two nights in a row. So its a big mental shift to go back to being in the same place all the time, but in some ways, healthier than the campaign was. Stephen now that youre all at home with your families, is everybody getting on each others nerves or is it all running pretty smoothly so far, senator . Well, i have my husband here, of course, having recovered from coronavirus with the only lasting symptom being that it appears he cant clean the basement. Because he says its too dusty. And its going fine. I will say i tried to engage them in one of my favorite pass passtimes which is playing scrabble. For days they said, oh, no, the board is too small. We just have a travel one. Unbeknownst to them, i got on the web. I found a really big scrabble board. I got it, i ordered it, i went upstairs, i showed it to them, and they were crestfallep. It was at that moment that i realized stephen why . Are you a particularly vicious scrabble player, senator . Yeah. Pete would be shocked by that, that i would be competitive. laughter . Competitive . What . No. Stephen well, mr. Mayor i always stephen go ahead, senator. Yeah, i always win. Thats the thing. I always win. And so they dont really like playing with me that much. They did win once on a german version. But it was you know. So thats why no one will play with me, so thats my situation. I have this huge scrabble board and no one to play scrabble with. Stephen well, mr. Mayor, you used to challenge the senator to play a norwegian version because i understand you picked up some norwegian just to be able to read some novels. Whats your whats your goto game at home . Theres extra points with the o. With the slash through them. I have to look that up. Thats more points than beaut gej onstrable. I believe you. You know what . What ive discovered is all the great board games you can play on your phone now. So weve had epic battles in monopoly and risk. I will challenge you with a round of words with friends. That might not be good for foster our friendship. I dont know. Stephen but, mayor, those are two great games to show your bona fiedz for running for office. Risk is international relations. Geopolitics and economics, its a natural fit. Stephen all candidates just replace the debates with that. That would be a lot of fun. A friend who was a board gam