Announcer its a late show with stephen colbert. Tonight open states, closed borders plus, stephen welcomes Michael Moore and musical guest Brett Eldredge. Featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now, live on tape from a safe distance, its stephen colbert. Stephen hey, everybody, welcome to a late show. Im your host st come on in. This is my wife. This is my wife, evie. Hello. Stephen is that for me . Or is that yours . No, thats water. Stephen i dont want water. Ew. Comfy . Yeah. Stephen excellent. Anyway, where was i . We have been out of the ed sullivan theater for. How long . Six weeks. Six weeks. I miss it. Being at home with the family is nice. This is lovely. The commute is incredible. But my mailbox doesnt have my name on it in lights ten stories tall. As frustrating as quarantine is, polls show that 71 percent of americans, and 56 of republicans, say they are more concerned about lifting the coronavirus restrictions too quickly than lifting them too slowly. So, we know its the right thing to do. We just want to know how long were going to have to do it. Well, brace yourself, because in germany, munichs oktoberfest beer fair has been canceled over coronavirus fears. You heard right its april, and theyre canceling oktoberfest. Ill give you one guess what month oktoberfest starts. Its september. Whoever named that beer festival was clearly drunk. Peter, youve been to oktoberfest, right . Yeah. Stephen is it fun . Yeah. Stephen like, what do you do . Drink beer. Stephen all right. Thats straight from the horses mouth right there. This is the first time oktoberfest has been cancelled since world war ii. Wow, something bad must have happened in germany during world war ii. Keep in mind, germanys one of the countries that managed to keep the pandemic under control, and theyre canceling events in the fall. Im guessing this halloween, the hottest costume in america will be sexy responsible person who stayed indoors. Speaking of things that were hoping will end soon, president trump. Last night, he tweeted this bombshell at 10 00 p. M. in light of the attack from the invisible enemy, as well as the need to protect the jobs of our Great American citizens, i will be signing an executive order to temporarily suspend immigration into the United States well, i dont necessarily agree with it, but it is probably the safest thing for the immigrants. Because right now, america is basically a petri dish on the floor of a bus station mens room. But this ban is not going to do anything to stop the spread of the virus or put americans back to work. Its just trump using the virus as an excuse to do what hes always wanted to do anyway. Its like if your house catches fire and you say, honey, its not safe in here. Im going to go buy a set of golf clubs. Exactly how xenophobic is he being here . Well, even during the height of the 1918 flu pandemic, the United States allowed more than 110,000 immigrants to enter the country. So, donald trump is more xenophobic than woodrow wilson. And wilsons Campaign Slogan was lets punch an italian. Now, i know weve gotten used to it. This shouldnt shock me, but the president of the United States just ordered a Sweeping Change in our immigration policy via tweet. That would be like obama announcing the death of bin laden on tiktok video tonight i can report byebye the United States has conducted an operation. Byebye that killed osama bin laden. Byebyebye byebye stephen also, the tweet had absolutely no detail on how this immigration ban would work, which caught some Senior Department of Homeland Security officials off guard. Well, thats really not comforting. You dont ever want to catch Homeland Security off guard. Thats like your Doctor Holding up your chest xray and going, ooh, i did not see that coming. Two lungs. Clearly, trumps tweet is less about information and more about promoting todays press briefing realityshow style. as trump heres a teaser of my new executive order. Am i really going to ban all immigrants . Will i throw wine in Steve Mnuchins face and call him a bitch . Gotta tune in to find out. And to back it up, today, trump tweeted, ive had great ratings my whole life. Theres nothing unusual about that for me. The white house News Conference ratings are through the roof monday night football. What kind of bragging is that . Everyones ratings are better than monday night football right now. Are you ready for some football . Stephen no no one is ready for some football, bocephus. Now, last night, trump held his daily scream at the press conference, and he started off with an obvious lie. I cannot tell a lie. Stephen okay. Now, the president has been all over the map on how seriously to take the virus, which has led to some Severe Health consequences for his supporters. I interviewed someone who said that his family got sick, and they said mainly because the president wasnt taking it seriously. He said, if the president had a mask on, if he was saying we should stay home, then i would have stayed home. Well do you feel, or are you concerned that downplaying the virus maybe got some people sick . And a lot of people love trump, right . A lot of people love me. You see them all the time, right . I guess i am here for a reason, you know . To the best of my knowledge, i won, and i think we are going to win again. Stephen as trump a lot of people love me. And sometimes i give them bad advice, but thats why they love me. Im a bad boy, the kind you dont bring home to your mom, because i will definitely give your mom coronavirus. The president has been criticized for twiddling his thumbs during the early stages of the pandemic. But he doesnt remember it that way. People should say i acted very early. I did take it very seriously. You held rallies in february and in march. And there are some i dont know about rallies. I really dont know about rallies. You held a rally in march. In new york. I dont know. Did i hold a rally . Stephen what . He doesnt remember his rallies . Can he teach me how . Then, trump tried to give a shoutout to fema and the work theyve done to fight coronavirus, but his brain done got in the way. Admiral polowczyk and his team at fifa are really, what a job theyve done. Stephen yes, fifa. The International Soccer federation has done a great job against the coronavirus. Imagine what they could accomplish if they were allowed to use their hands. Now, some people say we need to flatten the curve. I say we need to bend it like beckham. One reporter asked trump about large corporations cashing in on federal grants promised to small business. Reporter do you think its right that major corporations, major institutions like the ruths chris restaurant chain, like harvard university, apparently got a lot of money under the cares act, money that was supposed to be earmarked for smallbusiness owners . Do you think thats fair . Well, i know one thing. I didnt get any. Thats for sure. I didnt get any. Stephen okay, that really sounds like he got some. Hes like a witness talking to a detective. What did i see the night of the murder . Well, i know one thing i never saw me murdering anybody. Nope, definitely not 23 people between now and 1987. Lets just say, digging up my backyard would be a complete waste of your time. Thank you, officer. Now, theres still a nationwide coronavirus test kit shortage, but trump doesnt really see it that way. Not everybody agrees that we have to do that much testing. Were going maximum. You understand there are some people that dont want to do that much testing. But were going maximum. Were going to the outer limits. Stephen okay, sounds kind of vague, but those are actually technical terms. As you can see in the c. D. C. s chart, it goes minimum, maximum, outer limits, big gulp, and butt load. Now, while trump is closing the countrys borders, the governors of georgia, tennessee, and South Carolina say that businesses can reopen soon. For comment, we go now to the scientists who told them that was a good idea. wind blowing thank you, gentlemen. Starting on monday, in my home state of South Carolina hi, guys theyre Opening Department stores, Sporting Goods stores and flea markets. Yes, flea markets because theres no more comforting place to shop during a pandemic than a place named for the insect that carried the black plague. Thats why theyre also opening up all locations of bed, bath leprosy. It really feels like some of these officials arent taking this seriously enough. It explains why South Carolina has changed their motto from while i breathe, i hope to well, i hope im breathing. But the most sweeping reopenings will go into effect in georgia, courtesy of georgia governor and man watching his wife go through his Google Search history, brian kemp. Governor kemp announced that, after just three weeks of safety measures, certain business will be allowed to reopen starting friday, including fitness centers, hair salons, and bowling alleys. Really . Bowling alleys. Im gonna go out on a limb here and say now is not the time for a sport where strangers sticks their fingers inside the same three holes. And we know the outside of the balls really arent sanitary, either. One noted bowling expert was particularly skeptical of governors defying the c. D. C. Guidelines has the whole world gone crazy . Am i the only one around here who gives a bleep about the rules . stephen Governor Kemp also announced the reopening of the very essential business of tattoo parlors, which is great news for anyone in georgia who hasnt quite finished their tramp stamp. Weve got a show for you tonight. Ill be talking to mr. Michael moore. But when we come back, meanwhile. Wont you join us . Another work from home day in the books. Time for a [whistle] charlie, cocktail . Bobby . Mimi . Rodrigo, marchello . Professor smith, would you care to join me for a cocktail in the lounge . Uncle cliff, look at you. Maurice have you met kendall . Kendall have you met maurice . Elanor, back from paris i see. Miss livingston, care to set the mood . Well, i believe were in good company. Lets drink to that. Lets drink to that. The last thing you should have ato worry about right now is having enough toilet paper. Please know were working around the clock producing and shipping like never before to get you more charmin as quickly as possible. In the meantime, from our family to yours, please stay safe. To serve our communities, charmin is donating 2 million to direct relief. Can match the power of energizer. Because energizer ultimate lithium is the longest lasting aa battery in the world. [confetti cannon popping] energizer. Backed by science. Matched by no one. Stephen welcome back, everybody. Lets take a moment now to say hello to our friend mr. Jon batiste. Hello, jon batiste, somewhere out there in the world. Hey jon hello whats going on . Stephen we were just setting things up here. Jon pete, whats going on with you . Stephen he says hi, wants to know whats going on with you. Hi. Whats going on . Stephen nothing. I have peter here. I have evie right here. Hello, jon. Jon hey, evie, whats up . How are you. We miss you how are you . Jon good, i miss you. I know. Jon its tough but were going to pull through this one. Stephen now, youre all by yourself, right . You dont have suleika with you, right . Jon no, not yet. Im practicing appreciation, you know. He was what . Stephen hes practicing appreciation. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Im reading suleikas daily prompts. Her isolation journal stuff is great. Jon that thing is a lifesaver. It gets your mind going in the morning, and it gets you focused. It does. Stephen how can people find it online . Jon oh, you just go type isolation journal into google or go to her website. She has a beautiful but complex name. Suleika jaouad. Its a vowel salad. Stephen its the national vowel surplus. Jon exactly. Theres a palindrome in there. Hey stephen hey. All right, bye, jon. Good seeing you. Jon have a good one. Stephen you, too, stay safe. Yknow, i spend a lot of time at the green grocer of news, meticulously selecting the days finest stories to take home and then bake into the farmtotable ratatouille that is my monologue, but sometimes i like to scavenge the back of my freezer for a mini Chicken Pot Pie from 2013, crumble the dregs from a bag of flamin hot cheetos on it, throw it in the oven, and watch it through the window while i gnaw on the black licorice twizzlers i accidentally bought at the premiere of the matrix reloaded to create the midnight snack of news that is my quarantined meanwhile segment quarantinewhile stephen quarantinewhile, not everyone is observing the selfisolation guidelines. For instance, on monday, tom brady was caught breaking tampa lockdown restrictions to work out in a park. Now, yes, its true that we should all be staying home for the good of this country that we love, but in fairness, brady is no longer a patriot. And i assume he had to go to the park because brady just moved to tampa to join the buccaneers, and hes currently renting derek jeters house, where theres just nowhere to exercise. Okay, so he doesnt need to be in the park, but ive got to respect tom brady. Even at this late stage of his career, hes still cheating just for the love of it. Quarantinewhile, in maryland cops are urging residents to wear pants when checking their mail. Though that headline doesnt make it clear if that has anything to do with the pandemic, or just a longrunning problem in maryland. Well, the taneytown, maryland, Police Department have clearly had it, because they posted on their facebook page, please remember to put pants on before leaving the house to check your mailbox. You know who you are. This is your final warning. That really sounds like its someone very specific who they just cant get through to. Soon the posts will be please stop freeballing it in your driveway, earl. Seriously, helen and the girls keep calling us to do something, but were tired of driving out there to talk to you with your junk spinning in the breeze. My wife liked that joke. laughter quarantinewhile, the American Flag was projected onto the matterhorn in the swiss alps in a show of coronavirus solidarity. Switzerland, thank you. That is a beautiful and moving gesture, but im afraid moon rules apply American Flags on it, american owns it. And we will soon be slapping waterslides on that bad boy and opening up the splatterhorn swissbitchin waterpark and monster truck mountain. But we promise to respect swiss culture by selling deepfried toblerones on a stick. Quarantinewhile, new york mayor bill de blasio says covid is forcing massive cutbacks, and that sanitation pickups will be reduced, and public pools will be closed. Let me get this straight. So, there will be tons of garbage and empty swimming pools . Im no city planner, but i think that problem just solved itself. Quarantinewhile, astronaut jessica meir has returned to earth after an 86. 9 millionmile trip that lasted 205 days. And let me be the first to say, that is rough timing, jessica. Its a good thing youre used to pooping into a vacuum, because weve got a bit of a toilet paper situation down here, and you might need to repurpose your dyson. Quarantinewhile, doctors in australia are doing a podcast to keep the public updated on Coronavirus Research and policy. And this week, they tackled an important question can the coronavirus be spread through farts . The answer is critical the answer is critical, darling. Because it could lead to a breakthrough in blaming coronavirus on the dog. Turns out farts are dangerous for the same reason coughing and sneezing are, because flatulence itself is an aerosolgenerating procedure. hence, the old rhyme beans, beans the magical fruit, the more you eat, the more you perform an aerosolgenerating procedure. Heres what the good doctor had to say about coronafarts i think that what we should do in terms of social distancing and being safe is that policy, on the part of the entire australian population, should be that you dont fart close to other people and that you dont fart with your bottom bare. Stephen im hoping thats pretty much always the advice. The doctor elaborated, luckily, we wear a mask, which covers our farts all the time, meaning pants, shorts, dresses, underwear and other garments. Which raises an interesting philosophical question if pants are the mask of the butt, are masks the pants of the face . Anyway, experts recommend that, for safetys sake, please fart into your elbow. Finally, and this has nothing to do with the australian doctors, i need to point out that the new york post, which ran this story, used this as the image to accompany the headline. Now, im not a doctor, but if your farts light up your butt hole like a christmas tree, then coronavirus is the least of your worries. Please come on the show. I think people might want to see it. Well be right back with Michael Moore. [alarm bell rings] bang bang, there goes my bang bang, i want my bang bang, i want my bang bang go bang bang there goes my bang bang, go bang bang, there goes my bazooka go bang bang, there goes my bang bang, i want my mind blown, i want my mind blown go bang bang, there goes my bazooka capital one knows life doesnt update you about your credit card. So meet eno. The capital one assistant that looks out for charges that might surprise you and helps you fix them. Whats in your wallet . That might surprise you and helps you fix them. Dry spray dries in an instant. Leaving these men with nothing to do in this ad. Thankfully, weve got something to fill the time, instantly putting these guys back into their comfort zone. Dove dry spray dries instantly and keeps you protected for 48 hours. Thanks for sharing your savage moves, and especially your awkward ones. Thanks for sharing your cute kids. And your adorable pets. Now its our turn to share. With the geico giveback. A 15 credit on car and motorcycle policies for both current and new customers. And because were committed for the long haul, the credit lasts your full policy term. So thanks again. One good share deserves another. Stephen welcome back, everybody. Joining me tonight is the Academy Award win