And paper retirement. These have been some of the greatest days of my life. Now i go on to bigger things partial ownership of the local pontiac dealer. Stop by a4 auto for great deals on new and used pontiacs. Paper sports still more exciting than baseball announcer its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight mall victories. Pus, stephen welcomes senator Amy Klobuchar and mayor pete buttigieg. And musical guest haim. Featuring jon batiste and stay and now, live on tape from a safe distance, its Stephen Colbert stephen no, im not doing it without you. I wont do it without you. Okay stephen hey and welcome to a late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. And i am happy to say today im joined, as my stage manager and cameraman and sound person, my lovely wife, evie. Evie, wont you just join us . Thank you very much hello. laughs stephen there you go we just got a mature rating. And it makes me happy to have my wife here, and i need something to make me happy, and im sure you do, too. Because yesterday, we as a nation hit a terrie mione in the pandemic, because the United States just passed one million coronavirus cases. Though some disease researchers have estimated that the true number of infections may be about ten times the known number. Thats not exactly comforting, some disease researchers you never hear a mom telling her kid, i know youre scared of the monster under your bed, but actually, there could be ten monsters under your bed but theres no way to know, because theyre invisible. Good night even more tragically, the number of u. S. Coronavirus fatalities is now greater than u. S. Losses in the vietnam war. And just like in the vietnam war, donald trump is awol. Thats how you spell ahole, right . Yes. Stephen okay. So, america has over one million coronavirus cases, and more fatalities than vietnam. Theres no getting around it, its a solemn day for everyone except president ial soninlaw, and man watching you enjoy that lollipop, jared kushner. Heres what jared said this morning on the fox and the friends. I think that we have achieved all the different milestones that are needed. So the government, the federal government rose to the challenge, and this is a Great Success story. And i think that thats really, enteph j yes, its a great story. More people dying under this administration in 100 days than died in 20 years of the vietnam war. Thats a story that needs to be told. Perhaps in the blockbuster movie preventable apocalypse now. And im being told we have a clip. The success. The success. Stephen the president was asked about those infection numbers yesterday. Well, it will go down to zero, ultimately. Stephen okay, sure. Technically, in time, we allzer, which is t ultimrg. Trump has been criticized for the lack of testing, but he doesnt see the problem. We are doing more testing than any other country in the world, by far. So, were going to show more cases, because we are doing much, much more testing, double anybody else. Somebody said if you add everybody else combined, that would be a number. Stephen hes right. That would be a number. Tomorrow, hes going to do colors and shapes. Plus, it may be a number, but dont believe trump. That number is not one. Because when it comes to percapita testing, the United States is below the world average, and about the same as belarus. Now, if you dont know, belarus was formerly part of the soviet union, and currently a country you dont want to be about the same as. Now, this press conference was supposed to be about everything he was doing to help Small Businesses, and trump hit them with some philosophy. Small business. It is actually a very big business, when you think about it. Stephen as trump small is actually very big. At least thats what i paid stormy to say. The white house is having to do some cleanup after mike pence visited the mayo clinic yesterday and wouldnt wear a mask. Finally, a medical explanation for why seeing mike pences face makes you feel ill. And it explains why his secret Service Agent was wearing this one. Pence was asked about his disregard for the rules, and he said this since i i dont have the coronavirus, i thought it would be a Good Opportunity for me to be here, to be able to speak to these researchers, these incredible healthcare personnel, and look them in the eye and say thank you. Stephen you can still look them in the eye with a mask its not a blindfold. Also, i dont have coronavirus isnt an excuse for not protecting other people. Its like a guy saying, i dont need to wear a condom. I want to look you in the eye and say thank you. That was polite. No . You dont like that one . Too bad. By the way, for mike pence, looking you in the eye is second base. Pence pointed out that hes pretty sure hes not contagious. Im tested for the coronavirus on a regular basis, and everyone who is around me is tested for the coronavirus. Stephen none of us can get a test, and youre out there bragging about how often youre tested . Thats like Mother Teresa visiting the hungry while scarfing a hoagie. The reason we have to wear masks is the virus is still out there, and we have to be wary of when to gather in public spaces, which were about to do a lot more of, because the biggest mall operator in the United States plans to reopen 49 of them. No bad mall thats not a good idea. We must keep social distancing from auntie anne. Shes very old. And so are the pretzels. The malls are making special safety announcements, and food Court Seating will be spaced to encourage social distancing, and reusable trays will be banished. Thats right. Banished. Hear ye, hear ye, his noble highness burger king hereby banishes from the realm all reusable trays. And for failing to bear him a son, her majesty, the dairy queen, shall be beheaded with a plastic spork as a further precaution, in restrooms, every other sink and urinal will be taped off. Well, thats at least good news for one company ralphs sink and urinal tape. Its boom time, baby in your face, johnnys big garbage bag you put over the whole toilet with these malls opening up, its an exciting opportunity for stores that cater to social isolation, like forever 21 feet apart, and gamestop. There was a really inspiring message today from new york governor and man watching Stephen Miller swallow a mouse, andrew cuomo. Aring way the. And,s and craftse involved. I want to show you a selfportrait that was done by american people. This is a selfportrait of america. Okay . Thats a selfportrait of america. And you know what it spells . It spells love. Weve received thousands of masks from all across america, unsolicited, in the mail. Homemade, creative, personal, with beautiful notes, from all across the country. Literally. Just saying, thinking about you, we care, we love you, we want to help. Stephen that is beautiful. But you know what i bet those notes didnt say . Why dont you staplegun these masks to a wall . Again, it is a beautiful it is a lovely gesture. God bless everyone who did this. But were going through a pandemic. Im not sure the best use of medical equipment is making a collage. Thats like a food bank saying, thanks for your donation this can of beans will be a great addition to our bean can wall if you look closely, it spells bean. evie laughs offscreen now you werent sure where that joke was going, did you . Youre not sure, like, was this going to be worth the trip . Totally worth the trip. I dont know if it was. Stephen totally worth the trip. There is some good covid news out there. Researchers at Oxford University have developed a vaccine thats effective in monkeys. Oh, those lucky monkeys, always getting the first injections while the rest of us are cooped up at home, these monkeys are Walking Around resuming their normal lives, like sports, cat washing, and writing my show. Researchers inoculated six monkeys with their vaccine. These animals were then exposed to heavy quantities of the virus, i assume by going bowling in georgia. But heres the good news more than 28 days later, all six were healthy. This is important, because according to the researcher whos macaque is pretty much the closest thing we have to humans. Well, any drunk, lonely zookeeper could have told you that. Oxfords scientists had already been working on a vaccine for a different strain of coronavirus, so if this vaccine proves safe and effective, the first few million doses could be available by september. Yes just in time to go out and rake the fall leaves. And then use them as toilet paper, because im definitely going to run out by then. This vaccine presents one ethical dilemma. See, scientists cant expose test subjects to a dangerous virus on purpose, leading one researcher to say, were the only people in the country who want the number of new infections to stay up for another few weeks, so we can test our vaccine. Really, youre the only people . Have you met Vice President disease vector . Coronavirus is impacting every aspect of our lives. And now its come for our most precious resource, award shows. Because the academy of Motion Picture arts and sciences has announced that, due to the nationwide lockdown, the 2021 oscars will consider films that didnt play in theaters. Okay, well, this is huge news for all 412 hallmark christmas movies like the christmas santa, a santa for christmas, all i want for christmas is you, santa, and twas the night after christmas. Its mostly about breaking down that th change isnt pnethe temporary rules are str because to be considered, the streamed film must have already had a planned theatrical release. And, lik films must be about a white person solving racism. Ive got to say, i agree with the academy here in fact, i think they should go further. Because you know what movies released straight to streaming are . Tv ipso tuxedo, i should be eligible for an oscar my show is exactly like a movie theres a soundtrack, theres big stars, and no time to go sneak off to the bathroom. I usually just go during meanwhile. Weve got a show for you tonight. And its a good show. My guests are senator Amy Klobuchar and mayor pete buttigieg. But when we return, sex. What . Why are you laughing when i said, sex . Why does the idea of sex and me make you laugh . Stop it stephen stop . Okay. I should stop. My skin gets so tired. This new olay serum feels so dewy, and hydrated. Gives my skin an extra boost of life. Its full of energy. It finally matches me. Im denise bidot, and my skin is powerful. And i can face anything with my olay. Lincoln will be doing what we do best. Making your life a bit more effortless. With virtual real time tours of our vehicles, and remote purchasing. For a little help, on and off the road. Sprinting past every leak in our softest, smoothest fabric. Shes confident, protected, her strength respected. Depend. The only thing stronger than us, is you. [orange] hey, whats up guys . [ginger] oh my god [captain] orange, why are you naked . [orange] oh god, is my camera on . [captain] ill never unsee this. [orange] okay hold on. Hows that . [miscellaneous reactions of disgust] [orange] floridas finest baby. [miscellaneous reactions of disgust] a new moment in wireless has begun. Tmobile and sprint are joining forces. By bringing together our two networks, tmobile will build americas largest and most reliable 5g network. With more towers, more engineers, and more coverage. Youll get the best 5g network, and the best prices. Welcome to tmobile. Theyre going to be paying for this for a long time. They will, but with accident forgiveness allstate wont raise your rates just because of an accident, even if its your fault. Cut sonny. Was that good . Line the desert never lies. Isnt that what i said . No you were talking about allstate and insurance. I just. When i. Lets try again. Everybody back to one. Accident forgiveness from allstate. Click or call for a quote today. Stephen hey, everybody, welcome back. Say hello to our friend jon batiste. Jon, how are you doing . Jon im swinging over here. Im swinging. Hey stephen guess whos my stage manager today . evie laughing offscreen come on, say hi. Jon wait, where did you go . I lost you. Hi, jon i cant see you. Jon we cant see you. I cant see you over here. I can hear you, though. Hey, evie, how you doing . Stephen shes youre too dazzling. You busted the lens, darling. Can you not see us, jon . Jon no, no. Stephen we can see you. I think i need to be fired. Stephen youre not going anywhere. I cant do this. Stephen youre not going anywhere its really hard. Stephen it is hard, isnt it . Its really hard. Stephen bye. All right, well, weve got to go, but lets hit it, jon. What have you got . Jon some duke for his birthday. Stephen jon batiste, everybody mass social isolation is causing ing and unexpected stuff. For instance, having to walk around in a face mask has truly brought home for me just how terrible my breath is. Can you get brain damage from your own chili burps . Stop it. Braude its like being locked in a trunk with roadkill. Come on, its shocking another unexpected effect from the pandemic. Apparently, selfisolation is making people horny. So, if youre feeling a little hot under the collar, it might not be a fever. Either way, stay away from your grandma. evie laughing offscreen researchers have offered potential explanations for increasing libidos, including, more leisure time, fewer outlets for socializing, and that the fear of death can prompt more sexual desire as a coping mechanism. Thats a bit morbid, but it does explain the directors cut of the ring. Ive been really trying baby stephen but i believe that despite this, sex isnt the thing that people are really hot for. And i am here to help. Hey, there. Lying awake at night . If youve seen the news, yes. Youre aching for something forbidden, longing for behavior footage of exactly what you crave basic human interaction. Highfives. Handshakes firm handshakes. Were talking hugs. They just met. Weve also got footage of meetings with coworkers that go on and on and on. People waiting in line at the bank sharing that dirty little pen on that dirty little chain. They dont know where its been. And we know what you really want to see groups of ten or more, total strangers. Its a nonames gangstand. And feast your eyes on Nanas Birthday Party old people mingling for hours, not a care in the world. doorbell rings oh and whos that at the door . Its the hot young pizza guy. And guess what hes delivering . Pizza. For sharing. Oh, yeah. The late shows archive of basic human interaction. Flatten your curve. Stephenll ight with senator Amy Klobuchar and mayor pete buttigieg. New force flex plus, bright colors febreze freshness. New force flex plus, bright colors for my mother,vo iit was a very difficult time. But she wasnt alone. Everybody tried to do what they could to help. We all have the strength to do it. This. Ive seen it. [laughs] and geico loves helping riders get to where theyre going, a fifteen percent credit on their motorcycle policies with the geico giveback. And because were committed for the long haul, the credit lasts your full policy term. The geico giveback. Helping riders focus on the road ahead. Stephen welcome back, everybody. Sitting down with me tonight are two midwesterners who ran tough primary campaigns. Please welcome senator Amy Klobuchar, and mayor pete buttigieg. Senator, mayor, thanks so much for being here. Good to be with you. Thanks for having us. Great. Stephen so, how is the Campaign Going . I kind of lost track of it after a while. Now that ive been in quarantine who won ohio . I forget. Oh, i think joe biden just did that, but if you noticed, we arent running anymore. Stephen no . Okay, well, everybody. Everybody is stuck at home. How are you handling it . Be. You know, its as good as can it a terrible situation the country and everybody is having to adapt. But all this after a year of almost never being at home, finding all the all the chores left to be done, making the most of time with chasten. By the end of the campaign, we would celebrate if the schedule said wed be in the same Hotel Room Two nights in a row. So its a big mental shift to go back to being in the same place all the time, but in some ways, healthier than the campaign was. Stephen now that youre all at home with your families, is everybody getting on each others nerves or is it all running pretty smoothly so far, senator . Well, i have my husband here, of course, having recovered from coronavirus with the only lasting symptom being that it appears he cant clean the basement. Because he says its too dusty. And its going fine. I will say i tried to engage them in one of my favorite pastimes, which is playing scrabble. And for days they said, oh, no, the board is too small. We just have a travel one. So unbeknownst to them, i got on the web. I found a really big scrabble board. I got it, i ordered it, i went upstairs, i showed it to them, and they were crestfallen. Le playeor . Why . Are you a partis y pete would be shocked by that, that i would be competitive. laughter competitive . What . No. Stephen well, mr. Mayor i always stephen go ahead, senator. Yeah, i always win. Thats the thing. I always win. And so they dont really like playing with me that much. They did win once on a german version. But it was you know. So thats why no one will play with me, so thats my situation. I have this huge scrabble board and no one to play scrabble with. Stephen well, mr. Mayor, you should challenge the senator to play a norwegian version because i understand you picked up some norwegian just to be able to read some novels. Whats your whats your goto game at home . Theres extra points with the o with the slash through them. Im going to look that up. No, here at home were klobuchar is more points than buttigieg on scrabble. Not that you might notice that or look that up. I believe you. You know what . What ive discovered is all the great board games you can play on your phone now. So chasten and i, weve had epic battles in monopoly and risk. I will challenge, i have a feeling i may regret this, senator. I will challenge you a round of words with friends and we can settle this once and for all. That might not be good for fostering our friendship. I dont know. Stephen but, mayor, those are two great games to show your bona fides for running for office. Monopoly is economics and risk of course, is international relations. Thats right. Geopolitics and economics, you know, its a natit. Stephen all candidates just replace the debates with that. That would be a lot of fun. A friend who is a board game e