Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 2024

KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert July 12, 2024

Point is, am i white or black . I guess theres no way well ever know. siren come out with your hands up huh i guess now we know. Announcer its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonights dream on, plus stephen welcomes Sherrilyn Ifill and Mike Birbiglia, featuring jon batiste and sta stay homin. And now live on tape from a safe distance, its Stephen Colbert stephen im not a rocket. Im not going to blast off. Welcome to a late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. Its been a rough few years these last two weeks, but today we got some good news. Because this morning, the Supreme Court ruled against trumps attempt to end daca, a win for undocumented dreamers brought to the u. S. As children. Of course, trump doesnt care about immigrants brought to the u. S. As children. He barely cares about immigrants he brought to the u. S. As wives. This is a big relief to the 800,000 immigrants enrolled in daca. 800,000 thats more than the entire population of vermont. Which is why ben and jerrys has introduced their new flavor cookies and dreamers immintgrant dacalate chip, brought here by no choice of their cone. That wasnt easy to say. I like it, though. Stephen it was a 54 decision. Liberal pinko chief of the patchouli circle Justice John Roberts wrote the majority opinion, and he returned the president s homework with a note that said, show your work. We do not decide whether daca or its rescission are sound policies, the wisdom of those decisions is none of our concern. we address only whether the agency complied with the procedural requirement that it provide a reasoned explanation for its action. as trump what, now ive got to have a reason for the things i do . Other than hungry or horny or both, which i call horngry . Trump was not pleased with this decision or the one monday that said employers cannot fire people just because theyre l. G. B. T. Q. He tweeted, these horrible and politically charged decisions coming out of the Supreme Court are shotgun blasts into the face of people that are proud to call themselves republicans or conservatives. We need more justices or we will lose our Second Amendment and everything else. Vote trump 2020 so, essentially your argument is this is as bad as getting shot in the face and arent guns great . We should keep them. He went on to tweet, do you get the impression that the Supreme Court doesnt like me . Yes, i do. They wear black robes. Some of your fans have been known to wear the white ones. Ku klux kaslam where does he find the courage . stephen one person who really doesnt like trump is former National Security adviser and evil lorax, john bolton. Bolton has written a scathing tellall about his time in the Trump Administration called the room where it happened, which trump is desperate to suppress. So, naturally, the book is currently number one on amazon. By the way, number two is the tellall by trumps niece, and number three is how to be an antiracist. So, theyre really all about trump. Of course, boltons book is only available as preorder, due to trumps swift action, its impossible to get your hands on one of these. Yesterday, excerpts of the book were leaked. Bolton writes that trump coddled dictators, thought finland was part of russia, and gave the thumbsup to chinese concentration camps. Trump immediately went on fox news and went after bolton. He was a washed up guy, i gave him a chance, he couldnt get Senate Confirmed so i gave him a nonSenate Confirmed position so i could just put him there and see how he worked. Stephen as trump cause when it comes to National Security, i just like to give any old loser the job. Throw em a bone. The book claims that during trumps 2018 meeting with kim jongun, pompeo slipped bolton a note disparaging the president , saying, he is so full of bleep . I trust pompeos intel on that. His lips have spent a lot of time in the vicinity of trumps ass. Trump wasnt buying it, telling the wall street journal, i would doubt that. Does he have the note . Let me see the note. Well, mr. President , because you asked so crazy that i have one of these. John roberts sent it to me. Another explosive detail is that trump asked chinese president xi jinping to interfere in our upcoming election. Trump was asked if that was true, and heres what he said well, first of all, nobody has been tougher on russia or china than i have. Nobody even close. Chinas paying us billions of dollars a year. They never gave us 10 cents. So nobody has been tough on china and nobody has been tough with russia like i have. And thats, thats in the record books. Stephen . True . Answer the damn question. Did you murder your roommate with an ax . First of all, no one enjoys woodworking more than i do. I built a table and a hutch and thats in the record books. By the way, dont look inside the hutch. Of course, while trump had his mouth open anyway, a lot of other stupid stuff dribbled out. The journal asked trump about originally scheduling his tulsa rally for juneteenth, the holiday commemorating the day the last enslaved people learned about the end of slavery in the united states, and far from being ashamed, trump was proud of it. I made juneteenth very famous. Its actually an important event, an important time. But nobody had ever heard of it. Stephen as trump in fact, i announced the rally that upset everyone on the tenth, so im starting a new holiday for white people called junetenth, celebrating the day they all learned about juneteenth. Then, to drive home the awkwardness, trump tried to prove he had popularized juneteenth by asking an aide if she had ever heard of it. She pointed out that the white house had issued a Statement Last year commemorating the day. He replied, oh, really . We put out a statement . The Trump White House put out a statement . Okay, okay. Good. as trump really . We put out a statement celebrating the end of slavery . cause that does not sound like me. You know how my ties are made, right . When it came to coronavirus, trump didnt think it was a big deal, and added that some americans wore facial coverings not as a preventative measure, but as a way to signal disapproval of him. as trump and its not just masks either. What about all those protesters wearing ventilators to show theyre antitrump . And dont get me started on those socialists in their governmentissued, antifa body bags. Despite how much pressure trumps putting on him, bolton is not backing down. He sat down for an interview with Martha Raddatz that will air on sunday, and he didnt pull any punches. How would you describe trumps relationship with Vladimir Putin . I think putin can play him like a fiddle. Stephen i dont think thats fair. Trump is like a celloo, big, wide and hard to get out of a ramp. While the nationwide peaceful protests for Racial Justice have drifted out of the nightly news coverage, theyre still going strong in major cities all across the country. Because there are still plenty of reasons to protest. Like the case of 27 yearold rayshard brooks, who was fatally shot twice in the back by an Atlanta Policeman last week. Its a sadly familiar story, but this one might have a different ending, because the officer in question, garrett rolfe, now faces 11 criminal charges, including felony murder. Theyre getting rid of the bad apple, which youd think all the good apples would be excited about to maintain, you know, barrel freshness. But hours later, some of the Atlanta Police called in sick to protest the murder charge. This is a disappointing response to an officer being subject to the same laws theyre supposed to enforce. But the police union clarified it wasnt an official strike, saying, this is not an organized thing, its not a blue flu. What it actually is, is officers protesting that theyve had enough and they dont want to deal with it any longer. Yes, these officers are simply fedup with scrutiny over the shooting of unarmed black men. You can learn more about it in the upcoming film, three weeks held accountable. Yesteray, there was a step forward for Racial Justice on the breakfast table, because finally, quaker announced that they are retiring the aunt jemima brand and logo. Yes, weve achieved sweeping flapjack reform about time. This kind of racist iconography cannot be tolerated for more than 130 years. 1890. It was originally marketed as a cure for cholera. It was mostly cocaine. Now, all of the racist icons of your pantry are falling, because uncle bens rice announced they will also scrap their brand image. Hopefully, this means theyll also change their slogan from perfect every time to perfect every time, except not in 2020, and, in retrospect, pretty much never. It wont be the first time the brand has addressed their problematic logo. In 2007, uncle ben was promoted from a servant to chairman of the board. Truly, a proud day for imaginary black people everywhere. But the long overdue breakfast reckoning is not over yet. The packaging on boxes of cream of wheat may soon change. Great. While theyre at it, just get rid of the whole product. The only people buying cream of wheat are those whose favorite flavor is wet. Another logo under investigation is mrs. Butterworth, whose company is now doing a complete brand and packaging review, though the race of mrs. Butterworth has not been confirmed. The manufacturer says that mrs. Butterworth is supposed to be anyones grandma. As long as your grandma says, hello children. I want you to grab my body, squeeze it hard, and watch sweet, viscous fluid gush out of my skull. Hey, how about a three way with the honey bear . Mr. Butterworths on a work trip. Lets get sticky. Shes a sexual being. Theres no reason why she cant have her own desires. Coronavirus cases are spiking all throughout the sunbelt, and we just learned about a terrifying new threat of transmission, because flushing the toilet may fling coronavirus aerosols all over. Oh, my god our toilets have turned on us. Im not surprised, after all weve done to them. It was only a matter of time before they rose up to exact their revenge. The research was published tuesday in the journal physics of fluids. thats only half the article. Part two is being published in the physics of solids. The scientists warn theres one more behavior to be hyperaware of in order to prevent coronavirus transmission what you do after you use the toilet. Youre saying i shouldnt high five the dog whos been watching me the whole time . Hes my best friend im not gonna leave him hanging oh, im being told its not the highfiving. Apparently, turbulence from a toilet bowl can create a large plume that is potentially infectious to a bathrooms next visitor. Plume . Wow. That means every time youve flushed a Public Toilet theres been a plume. You know youre in a bad place when youre nostalgic for the days when all you were inhaling in the bathroom was the previous guys farticles. I know. Experts say there is a safety precaution you can take. Close the lid first and then trigger the flushing process. Then you can use the lid to make the toilet talk about your Great Public Health awareness. Great job, steve youre really doing your duty. But, uh, why is the dog always in here . Thanks party mouth. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Ill be talking to the president of the n. A. A. C. P. Legal defense fund, Sherrilyn Ifill. But when we come back, a look at some new fathers day cards with a special guest. Your worst sore throat pain, try Vicks Vapocool drops. Its not candy, its powerful relief. 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Get 0 apr financing for 63 months on select subaru models now through june 30th. When we closed our wynn committed instantly to keeping all 15,000 team members onboard. We then focused our fivestar level of service to all who needed it. We made improvements to peoples lives. We strove to be better and we made people happy. This closure may have temporarily taken us out of wynn and encore, but it couldnt take the wynn and encore out of us. And now, we are proud to welcome you back. Stephen welcome back. Before we go, just one minute further, lets step in and say hello to our friend john podest. Hey, jon. Jon hello. Yes, indeed. Stephen i was going to ask how you are, but i know, which is the busiest man in lockdown because youre always doing something. This sunday, youre going to be on cbs, right . Jon yes, thats right, with my good friend harry connick, jr. And many others. Stephen its a you find we sing, a grammy tribute to the unsong heroes. What can we expect . Jon oh, my goodness, it will be incredible, the real story from the people on the front lines. Stephen celebrating the essential workers right now. Jon thats right. Stephen and weve got oprah, brad pitt, sandra bullock, dave matthews, and, now, i know you contributed a special performance, jim, the faked roll the tape while im talking to jon. What are you performing and who is this singing with you . Jon its the gospel soul children, and this choir is an institution in new orleans, it goes way back to ma hailia jackson and they have been every generation keeping the standard just as high, so i was playing Amazing Grace with them on that clip. Stephen ive heard it. Its extraordinary. Youve got to watch and check out the whole thing, definitely check out jon and the choir. Its incredibly moving and beautiful, and i cant wait to see it. Jon batiste, everybody. humming this sunday is fathers day, and its always nice to send the dad in your life a card. And since its harder to gather in person, those cards will matter more than ever this year. The thing is, the people who write greeting cards dont always get it right on the first try. So were taking a look at some of their early attempts in our holiday segment, first drafts stephen as always with first drafts, i need someone from the audience to come up and help me out. Pick me, pick me stephen anyone else . You, young lady. Dont tell anyone youre the only one here. You sit here, ill sit here. All right. Stephen okay. Hello. Stephen hello. And what is your name . My name is evelyn colbert. Stephen what a coincidence. Okay. So heres how it works, ivey is going to show me a Great Fathers day card and then the not so great first draft. This is your fathers day present to me but i would also like a present. Can i have the first draft . Stephen that is the final. Happy fathers day to the man who taught me everything i know. Then we open it. I love you, dad. Stephen thats really sweet. Really sweet. But the first draft said, happy fathers day to the man who taught me everything i know. Would you pass this along to mr. Cunningham if you have his address . He was an awesome teacher. Thanks, dad stephen yeah, thats honest. What are you doing for your dad for fathers day . I dont know. We maybe will go have dinner. Stephen we cant have dinner because of the coronavirus. Why dont we have a planko plankoff. Stephen her father can do a fiveminute plank and hes 91. Very good. Stephen the feeling of inadadequacy is palpable. I want your father and tom brady to have a plankoff or Something Like that. Happy fathers day. You taught me to never stop being curious. Thank you for making me a lifelong learner. But the first draft said, happ fathers day. So i finally got that d. N. A. Test and confirmed the bass player from Lynyrd Skynyrd is my real father. This is your last card. Stephen based on a true story. Nice job. Stephen based on a true story. Oh. Stephen yeah. Okay, another one . Stephen sure. I dont know, do i . Could i have the next card, please . Am i supposed to keep talking to you . Stephen well, its polite. You are hosting right now, im the guest. Are you having fun . Stephen yes. Enormous fun. laughter are you from out of down in . Whispering . Are you from out of town. Stephen stephen well, kind of, i grew up here. Yes, im from out of town. Okay, good. laughter happy fathers day. Stephen because you wouldnt think i live here all the time. I dont want to play a game that i dont know you. Its not fair to your viewers. Its not honest. Stephen keep going. Heres one. Happy fathers day. Youre the real m. V. P. But the first draft said, happy fathers day

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