And then, like clockwork, even though i dont know how clocks work, the same terrifying sky fire. Is there no way to distract myself from this endless loop of sky fire and sweat pants . I got it oh, yeah, theyre definitely not allowed to be up on that bed. Announcer its a late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, curve your enthusiasm. Plus stephen welcomes ibram x. Kendi and Patton Oswalt, featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now, live on tape from a colbert stephen are you going to be glad when we dont do this anymore or are you going to miss it . Ill miss it did. Stephen im going to miss it, too. Its been lovely. Welcome to a late show. Im Stephen Colbert. Hey, remember when the coronavirus was magically going to disappear in april . Well, its june 25, and yesterday new coronavirus cases in the u. S. Soared to their highest singleday total. No no we cant go backwards. Its been such a long journey. This is like if frodo went all the way to mount doom, was about to throw the ring in, and then this happened destroy it im getting a hair cut noooooo stephen that still gets me whispering ok, well lets stay positive, maybe the u. S. Curve isnt so baa aaaa oh god oh god how is trump not more alarmed by this . Its a ramp from hell. cras, cat meow these numbers are bad any way you look at them. That is, unless youre looking through the eyes of Vice President and statue of intolerance the protesters missed, mike pence. Yesterday, pence met with g. O. P. Senators concerned about the rising covid cases and he urged them to focus on encouraging signs. Yeah, 2. 4 million infected americans dont look at the glass as half empty. Look at your lungs as half full. Pence pointed out that while infections are rising, the mortality rate is not, and younger and healthier people now account for larger shares of those getting tested. But the young people are the ones who give it to the old people thats like saying, phew im in the clear. Turns out only my girlfriend has chlamydia. Now to celebrate, lets lose this condom there you go. While cases in other parts of the country are rising, new york, new jersey and connecticut are forcing anyone coming from states with high infection rates to self quarantine for two weeks. But donald trump doesnt care. He plans on playing golf in bedminster, new jersey this weekend, but hes not going to self quarantine because, as a white house official explained the president of the United States is not a civilian. Ok, thats debatable. Theres a good reason we call the chief executive mr. President , not burger king. And even if hes not a civilian, im pretty sure he is a mortal. He can still get it and spread it. And, dozens of secret Service Officers and agents who were on site in tulsa last week were ordered to selfquarantine. Now to protect the president , they have to stay as far away from him as possible. Get ready for the new Clint Eastwood film in the line of virus. The obvious way to slow down infections is by wearing a mask. But unfortunately, putting a piece of cloth on your face has become a culture war, thanks almost entirely to our president masks are a doubleedged sword. People touch them. And they grab them and i see it all the time. They come in, they take the mask. Now theyre holding it now in their fingers. And they drop it on the desk and then they touch their eye and they touch their nose. No, i think a mask is a its a doubleedged sword. as trump i feel the same way about parachutes. Doubleedged sword. Sure, theyll stop you from hurtling towards the earth at terminal velocity, but now your little backpack is full of parachute. Where are you going to put your sandwich . Youre going to be hungry the whole way down. I blame gravity. Which pulls you toward where . China. So now youre a liberal snowflake if you dont want to die. And all across the country, people are reacting to proposed mask requirements like this guy at a town meeting in palm beach, florida. Lemy name is butch and im an american patriot. See that flag . I would die for that flag. The constitution that youre supposed to uphold, i would die for that i would die for that country i would die for the constitution stephen well, congratulations. If you dont wear a mask you have a good shot at it. I dont wear a mask for the same reason i dont wear underwear. Things got to breathe. Stephen oh, drop the mic and before you sit, lay down a towel. Which reminds me, ladies, please, if your vagina is going to cough, do it into your elbow. And the antimask warriors have now taken it to truly insidious extremes. Some are now handing out these fake mask exemption cards, that look sort of official. It even coopts language from the americans with disabilities act, saying, i am not required to disclose my condition. Adding, but in case youre wondering, my condition is that im a huge ahole. This card is being spread by a group called the freedom to breathe agency, whose website says masks are just a psychological anchor for suppression, enslavement and cognitive obedience. Adding, how long before your human farmers trick you into believing that it is better you stop breathing altogether, to stop the spread of a virus . First of all, your human farmers dont want you to stop breathing. Thats just bad farming. Second of all, if there were human farmers, they wouldnt make us wear masks. Theyd feed us fatty foods and High Fructose Corn Syrup and encourage us to stay sedentary so were wellmarbled aaaand, oh my god were being farmed netflix is a cookbook salt fat acid heat the Republican Convention isnt until august, but trump isnt waiting to spread his message of spreading the virus. Because we just found out yesterday that trump is headlining fourth of July Fireworks at mount rushmore. So, to be safe, the guys will be social distancing. The danger at this event is more than just covid. Mount rushmore has banned fireworks for the past decade because of concerns about public health, environmental and safety risks. Health, environment, and safety. So everything will be fine unless youre a person, place, or thing. In notcarvedoutofamountain stue news,ecen protestors have been tearing down statues of people who fought the United States to preserve slavery. That statue you just saw come down was of confederate general supremacist, albert pike. Protesters in washington d. C. Ri the pike atue dn last friday, and then, for good measure, lit it on fire. Aw, i bet they made smores because you know it just made them want to pull down smore statues. Marshmallow, chocolate and graham slam stephen heres an important thing to remember about these statues theyre not actual people. Which is why trump has empathy for them. After trump saw that statue topple, he personally called the interior secretary and asked for the park service to put albert pike back up. as trump yes, i know im a republican president , and i know he was a confederate general. But do it. Also, please dig up lincolns skeleton, cause i wanna take him to the theater tonight. And shoot him in the back of the head. Its heritage. He also took to twitter very sad to see states allowing roving gangs of wise guys, anarchists and looters, many of them having no idea what they are doing, indiscriminately ripping down our statues and monuments to the past. Roving gangs of wise guys . Mmyeh, listen here me and my boys run this park, and were gonna fit ol general bobby lee here for a concrete footrest, if you catch my drift. Oh, hes already got one. Ok, cause hes a statue . Well, ok. Sleep with the pigeons, bobby mmyeh do you like my dinero . Yeah. Stephen okay. Of course, trump doesnt think preserving statues is just about heritage. Its also about education. It is important for us to understand and remember, even in turbulent and difficult times, fnd learn from them. Noreallyh a evolution of mens pants. How did they go to the bathroom . Look at all those buttons but the president isnt just putting the statues back up hes going after the people who toppled them. We have arrested numerous people, as you know, for what took place outside of washington but in addition, the fbi is investigating hundreds of people throughout the country for what theyve done to monuments, statues, and even buildings, so we have very strong laws already on the books. We have a law that is 10 years. Its ten years. Stephen yikes. Ten years for toppling one confederate leader. General grants going to do some hard time. But this act shows the trump administrations true priorities they havent made any efforts to protect black people in this country, but theyre going out of their way to protect monuments. Which brings me to tonights logical conclusion. Tonights logical conclusion is brought to you by one of my writers John Thibodeaux. John, thanks for being here. I know youre really busy with your new baby. Go to sleep sorry, new dad reflex. Thanks for having me. Stephen so, if donald trump cares more about monuments than black people, whats the logical conclusion . Its easy, stephen. Black people have to apply to become National Monuments. Then any Police Officer who might attack them would immediately get arrested. Stephen and no Police Officer wants to get arrested. Have you seen how rough the cops can get . Yeah. Stephen so how does the plan work . So, according to the Antiquities Act of 1906, to be declared a National Monument, you have to be of historic or scientific interest. And id say a lot of black americans are making history right now. And as a bonus if youre a monument, you get to have your own gift shop stephen, wouldnt you love to have a mug that says, i visited John Thibodeaux and all i got was this lousy mug. Stephen i sure would 00 . Babies are expensive. Stephen wow. Now, there are around black people in this country, so this process could take a long time, but id like to get the ball rolling. Thats why im submitting for National Monument status denzel washington. Hes a brilliant actor, director, and producer. And bonus hes never once owned a slave, unlike some other washingtons i could mention. Stephen good luck, john. Do you want me to venmo you for the mug . Cash apps in the bio. Like and follow. 41 million. Stephen jon thibodeaux, everybody. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Ill be talking to the author of how to be an antiracist, ibram x. Kendi, and americas sweetheart, Patton Oswalt but when we come back, meanwhile join us, wont you . And geico loves helping riders get to where theyre going, so to help even more, geico is giving new and current customers a fifteen percent credit on their motorcycle policies with the geico giveback. And because were committed for the long haul, the credit lasts your full policy term. The geico giveback. Helping riders focus on the road ahead. for just 100 a month. Switch to sprint and get four lines of unlimited the geico giveback. Plus, were throwing in four Samsung Galaxy phones, on us. And now, sprint customers enjoy access to expanded coverage on the tmobile network. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com. We stick together, for worse or for better yeah through any kind of weather, yo youre my friend in need. come on, come on we stick together, we make the sunshine brighter, we make it all feel better, youre my, youre my, woo, yeah youre my family. yo youre my family. Tums ver bell rings la stick when heartburn hits fight back fast. With tums chewy bites. Beat heartburn fast tums chewy bites pepsi zero sugar all in the cola flavor. None of the sugar. If yoyoull get 2 vyears or 20,000 miles of scheduled carefree maintenance. 3 years or 36,000 miles of 24 7 roadside assistance. 4 years or 50,000 miles bumpertobumper limited warranty. 5 years of connected services. And for 6 years you wont have paid any interest. Down the road, youll be grateful you bought a volkswagen today. Stephen hey, everybody welcome back to a late show. Im already in mid conversation with your friend and mine mr. Jon batiste. Jon, this is a big check and i actually have a blue card. I rarely have a blue card when im talking to you. Jon i love the blue card. Stephen but weve got to hit this. Jon uhhuh. Stephen you know the play at home series. Jon yes, of course. Stephen you love the people at home. Brandnew performances with different artistists each night were on hiatus because were about to go on hiatus and youre kicking it off with a special artist tomorrow night. Yes, demarco, a lot of music he made his bathroom. This is an amazing way to record and perform virtually. He sends the files over to me and i put it together right here and send it back to him and we layered it somehow with the magic. I dont know who was doing that part, but its going to be amazing to do it like this. Stephen out, colbert late show. Com or on the late show with Stephen Colbert youtube channel. Jon yes. Stephen john, have a great break. Could you play us out . Jon oh, yeah, yeah, yeah stephen jon batiste, everybody. Thanks, velvet loveseat to pair with a fine jute rug and rosegold floor lamp to compose the pictureperfect Restoration Hardware catalogue living room that is my monologue. But once in a while, i like to scour craigslists free and for sale page, and cobble together enough beefaronistained chairs, cigaretteburnt endtables, and moldy throw pillows to furnish the newydivorced dad studio apartment of news that is my segment quarantinewhile stephen quarantinewhile, lifestyle goopru Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a new candle called this smells like my orgasm. And what does gwyneths orgasm smell like, you ask . Oh, you didnt . Well, im going to tell you anyway. Apparently, gunpowder tea, turkish rose, and tart grapefruit. Eneat. Thneis quarantinewhile, because of coronavirus, 7eleven is canceling free slurpee day, but dont worry, members of the 7 rewards Loyalty Program will get a coupon for a free medium slurpee. So if youre a member of the 7 rewards Loyalty Program. Are you ok . Im worried about you. Quarantinewhile, as america reevaluates honoring controversial historical figures, thousands of people have signed a petition to rename columbus, ohio to flavortown in honor of columbus native guy fieri. And if they dont like flavortown, might i suggest meat sweats. Quarantinewhile experts are calling for regulation after yet another botched art restoration in spain, this time of a baroque painting in which the face of the virgin mary was left unrecognizable. Oh, come on, how bad could it have bee oh, sweet mother of god i think. Really hard to tell at this point. G badly . Maybe because it was done by a furniture restorer. Do some research. This is not the time to just get whoever your buddy recommends. act out hey jimmy, i got this 17th century baroque painting of the virgin mary. I got a question that guy who stripped the varnish off your coffee table . Hes got a paint brush . That was my spanish accent. Quarantinewhile kid rocks nashville bar has temporarily lost its beer permit due to covid19 violations. Previously, the kid rock bars 1 Health Violation was goatee hair in the salsa. Kid rocks bigass honky tonk and rock roll steakhouse had its beer license yanked after someone posted this photo of the packed bar showing people being served illegally indoors and no one wearing masks. Hey boozedinguses let me put this in terms youll understand. You jam yourselves into a bar like that and, next thing you know, bawitdabaw dabang adang diggydiggydiggy said the boogy said up jump infection rates. Quarantinewhile, if youre like me, youre excited for amazons upcoming lord of the rings tv adaptation. Its middle earth, amazonstyle so the hobbits do not get bathroom breaks. Well, if you live down under and to the right a bit, listen up. Because theyve just issued a new zealand casting call for, funkylooking people. Funkylooking people . I hope that means the orc army will be now be led by parliament. Aw, we need the ring. Got to have that ring were going to turn this mordor oouuut cast me, amazon well be right back with the author of how to be an antiracist, ibram x. Kendi we need the ring got to have th when taking on acne. And an everyday cleanser . Thats breakouts worst enemy. Love, neutrogena®. This is a surprisingly filling snack in a little can. V8. The original plantpowered drink. Veg up. Latonight, silence it with newd byzzzquil night pain. V8. The original plantpowered drink. Because pain should never get in the way of a restful nights sleep. New zzzquil night pain. Silence pain, sleep soundly. But thanks to you, your comfort and care push us to do even more. Your generosity reminds us what matters most. And your courage inspires us to find Better Solutions for tomorrow. On behalf of all novartis employees, thank you. Can match the power of energizer. Because energizer ultimate lithium is the longest lasting aa battery in the world. [confetti cannon popping] energizer. Backed by science. Matched by no one. Contactless delivery tarright to your door,very designed for your day. So you can work out, join in, and game on. Just download the target app and try it today. Stephen welcome back. My first guest is an historian and the bestselling author of how to be an antiracist and stamped from the beginning. Please welcome ibram x. Kendi professor kendi, thanks for being here. Oh, its a pleasure to be on the show. Stephen youre americas leading scholar on antiracism, and in your 2019 book how to be an antiracist is currently a number one nonfiction best seller. Whats the difference between being not racist and being antiracist . Well, historically, whenever people are challenged for saying and doing something thats racist, typically, their response is im not racist, no matter what they just said, no matter what they just did, by contrast, someone who is striving to be antiracist is actually willing to admit the times in which they express racist ideas. Theyre willing to admit the times in which they sort of support racist policies because theyre in a process of changing. Theyre changing themselves, theyre seeking to change society. Theyre not necessarily in denial, like Many Americans who dale claim theyre not racist. Stephen well, i like that framing of the conversation because i, like im sure Many Americans, have examined the