Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 2024

KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert July 12, 2024

coughing i just dropped my pen, sorry. I will now take questions about gs being perfectly fine. Yes, kaitlyn. Announcer its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, the white house goes viral. Plus, stephen welcomes jake tapper. And musical guest tame impala. Featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now, live on tape from a safe distance, its Stephen Colbert does that make a difference . Stephen it does. You have to hit yourself in the face twice, hard enough to regret having done it. laughter welcome to a late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Like you, im tired of this quarantine. Weve been home now for 9. 5 weeks, and not once has Mickey Rourke blindfolded me and spooned cherries into my mouth. Im going to ask him to move out of the guest room. But social distancing is the right thing to do. Hotspots are popping up all over the place minnesota, tennessee, nebraska. Theres even an outbreak of the coronavirus inside the white house. Mr. President , the virus is calling from inside the house get out of there seriously, get out of there. Youre doing a terrible job. Last week, we learned that one of the president s valets had been diagnosed. Then on friday, we found out that katie miller, the spokeswoman for Vice President mike pence, tested positive. This is super serious. Katie miller has attended nearly all of the White House Coronavirus Task Force Meetings in the situation room. Which theyve now temporarily rechristened the incubation room. Plus, three of the most high profile members of the Coronavirus Task force, including anthony fauci, will be in selfquarantine for two weeks. No dr. Fauci, we need you. If youre not around, all the Health Decisions are going to be made by jared kushner, the mypillow guy, and william barr in a sexy nurse costume. Some white house officials are getting worried, like economic adviser to the president and former child actor trying to sell you a timeshare, kevin hasset. On sunday, hassett said this on cbs nation face. It is scary to go to work. You know, i i was not part of the white house in march. I think that id be a lot safer if i was sitting at home than i would be going to the west wing. Stephen really . You work in the most tested place in the world and youre scared . Ive got a spooky story for you youre driving on the highway late at night, when suddenly, a hideous old man rises up in your back seat and says, you should go back to your job at the meat packing plant. Donny want burger. Upon learning that miller was infected, trump said this about tests so, she tested positive, out of the blue. This is why the whole concept of tests arent necessarily great. The tests are perfect, but something can happen between a test, where its good, and then something happens, and all of a sudden she was tested very recently and tested negative. And then today, i guess, for some reason, she tested positive. Stephen in the history of dumb things said by donald trump and there will one day be a library filled with them that might be the dumbest thing hes ever said, putting it in the running for the dumbest thing ever said by man. She was tested and didnt have it; then she got it, and then the test showed that she had it. Does trump think tests are good only if they tell you news you want to hear . My girlfriend takes a pregnancy test, it says shes not pregnant, we had sex a bunch, then, for some reason, all of a sudden, the test says shes having a baby. Thats why these tests arent so great. The tests should really start wearing a condom. Trump is upset about the outbreak at the white house. According to officials, he was annoyed to learn that ms. Miller tested positive. Yeah, he was really annoyed. As soon as he found out, he sent her an irritable arrangement. Trump is reportedly also worried that aides contracting coronavirus would undercut his message that the outbreak is waning and states should begin reopening. Can you imagine that attitude from a fire chief . Hey, knock off the screaming. You being on fire is really undercutting my message that youre not on fire. So, stop, drop and shut up. What are you going doing back here . laughter here. Youre doing a great job. Youre doing a great job. Youre just so thank you. Im really grateful. Just try to keep it down while youre rustling him. Please. No, were not going back. This is it. This is in. Trump is obsessed that this virus is going to cost him the election. Aides describe him as glum and shellshocked by his declining popularity. Glum and shellshocked, by the way, also the name of Lindsay Graham and Mitch Mcconnells emo band. But to win the public back, trumps got a thirsty new catch phrase were going into transition. And i call it transition to greatness. Its going to be transition to greatness because were going to do something very fast, and were going to have a phenomenal year next year. So were looking at the transition to greatness. Stephen im sure he means it to be comforting, but transition to greatness really sounds like something a cult leader says right before the end soon, my flock, comes the appointed hour when we shave our heads, don our purple nikes, anh s the come a recent poll, joe biden held a 10point advantage over trump among voters who are 65 and older. Huh. So, old people arent inspired by trumps message of to appease the wrathful gods of wall street, i will build a pyramid of your ancient bones. This afternoon, trump had a briefing in the rose garden and he got going with his classic lies. As far as americans getting a test, they should all be able to get a test right now. They should all be able to get a test. If someone wants to be tested right now, theyll be able to be tested. Stephen okay, thats not true. Theres no widespread testing. In fact, it seems like the only way to get a test is to play in the n. B. A. , be a white house staffer or be a sick tiger in the bronx zoo. So if they want a test, they need to sink a doublepointer or eat a raw gazelle. There seems to be a double standard here, mr. President , where members of your staff can get tests frequently when they need it, but ordinary americans cannot. So when will the rest of america have the same access that members of your white house have to testing . You know what . If we didnt get the tests, if we did no tests in the white house, you would be up complaining, why arent you getting tests for the white house . See, we cant win, because we didnt you would be up i understand you very well, better than you understand yourself. Stephen because i am more you than you are you, and believe me, as you, im so mad at me about the way i am treating youme. Trump spent the weekend tweeting about how obama committed the biggest political crime in history. So one reporter asked the obvious question. What crime exactly are you accusing president obama of committing, and do you believe the Justice Department should prosecute him . Obamagate. Its been going on for a long time, and its been going on from before i even got elected and its a disgrace that it happened. Some terrible things happened, and it should never be allowed to happen in our country again. What is the crime exactly that youre accusing him of . You know what the crime is. The crime is very obvious to everybody. All you have to do is read the newspapers except yours. Stephen it was a horrible crime. Everybody knows the crime committed against me. You dont have a clue. But if you look at the clues, it was mr. Black in the conservatory with the lead pipe to mr. Mustard stain. I have two questions no, its okay, well go over here. But you pointed to me. I have two questions, mr. President. Next. Next, please. You called on me. I did, and you didnt respond. Now im calling on the young lady in the back. I just wanted to let my colleague finish, but can i ask you a question, please . Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much. Appreciate it. Thank you very much. Stephen wow, just gone. Though, no surprise hes leaving, because i called on you and now im calling the young lady in the back is how he told all his wives he was getting divorced. This weekend we got a blast from the past former president and man who has forgotten how to do a mic drop, barack obama. Obamas been very restrained when it comes to criticizing his successor, but in private, evidently obama is pretty harsh. And we know that because in a leaked web call, heres how obama characterized the trump administrations Pandemic Response its been an absolute chaotic disaster. Stephen please tell me youre not surprised. Absolute chaotic disaster is what it now says on the money. Obama also addressed the Justice Department dropping charges against Michael Flynn even though flynn pled guilty twice to lying to the f. B. I. There is no precedent that anybody can find for someone whos been charged with perjury just getting off scotfree. Thats the kind of stuff where you you begin to get worried that basic not just institutional norms, but our basic understanding of rule of law, is is at risk. So i am hoping that all of you feel the same sense of urgency that i do. Stephen waking up how long was i out . Do i have a beard . Thats how slowly obama talks when he feels a sense of urgency which explains the failure of the barack obama brand smoke alarm. Beep. Uh. Beep. Look. Uh. Fire. Stephen not all this administrations bad ideas have to do with the pandemic, some of it has to do with old bad ideas. Even though it adds half a billion to the cost, trump is pushing to have his border wall painted black. If its black, trump can blame it for his problems. I want to see the longform wall certificate. I heard it was built in kenya. Trump has a good sinister reason to paint the wall black. In recent meetings, hes been insisting that the dark color will enhance the walls forbidding appearance. Sure, it may deter the mexicans, but youre just going to attract the goths. But its not just appearance. Trump hopes that painting it black will result in the hot sun making the steel too hot to touch during summer months. So, it should work perfectly, as long as immigrants dont discover night. Trumps plan is based on personal experience. He joked that the idea was inspired by an incident at one of his golf clubs, when his group of golfing partners went to order their hot dogs, and the black granite countertop momentarily burned their arms when they touched it. You can read all about it in trumps memoir, everything i need to know, i learned from watching my friends eat hot dogs on a golf course. Hey, remember the space force . Well, it took another step forward last week when it released its very first recruitment video. Some people look to the stars and ask what if . Our job is to have an answer. We have to imagine what would be imagined, plan for whats possible while its still impossible. Stephen plan for whats possible while its still impossible. It has a nice sense of wonder about it. Unlike the administrations current slogan dont plan for the inevitable while its already happening. The other line people are talking about is the videos big finish. Maybe you werent put here just to ask the questions. Maybe you were put here to be the answer. Maybe your purpose on this planet. Isnt on this planet. Stephen was this video written by a couple of freshmen getting baked in their dorm . as stoner dude, maybe your purpose on this planet isnt on this planet. And maybe the weed. Is smoking us. Even before they dropped the video, space force said recruitment was going great. Heres secretary of the air force barbara barrett. Recruitment hasnt been a problem. If people find out that theres a possibility of joining the space force, there seems to be an avalanche of applicants. Stephen yes, theres just something about this administration that inspires people to flee the planet. Weve got a show for you tonight. Ill be talking to our dear friend, jake tapper, so stick around for some tappin good morning more treatment . Were going to try Something Different today. Hi awwww, so pretty. Dogs bring out the good in us. Pedigree® brings out the good in them. Original crown molding, walk in closets. We do have a ratt problem. Round and round with love well find a way, just give it time. At least geico makes bundling our home and Car Insurance easy. It does help us save. Round and round with love well find a way, just give it time. Round and round what comes around, goes around. For bundling made easy, go to geico. 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We made improvements to peoples lives. We strove to be better and we made people happy. This closure may have temporarily taken us out of wynn and encore, but it couldnt take the wynn and encore out of us. And now, we are proud to welcome you back. Stephen hey, everybody welcome back to the show. Before we go on, lets check in with our friend jon batiste. Hello, jon. Jon hey stephen i like your mood lighting. Yeah. You know, i had to get a vibe going. Stephen house of your mothers day . Jon you know, it was good, but, um, i found out about the young man who was, um, murdered jogging, ahmaud arbery. It was heartbreaking. Stephen it was heartbreaking to know that video existed for months without any action being taken. And its that the people had to take action to get authorities to take action. Jon yeah, thats the part about it that is really troubling to me, because who knows how many times that has happened and someone may have gotten away with it. So we just have to really really hold ourselves to a higher standard. Stephen thank you, jon. Joining me now is the anchor of the lead and state of the union on cnn. Please welcome jake tapper hello, jake hey, stephen. How are ya . Stephen oh, just fantastic. How are you . laughter its great. Its great. I love never leaving my house. I love going back to the little house on the prairie kind of experience when it comes to raising our kids. Stephen mmhmm. Sometimes ill go into town and go to the feed store. Ma and pa and i. Or we order from the Sears Roebuck catalog. Stephen that can get pretty spicy, the lingerie section can get pretty racy in the sears, roebuck catalog. Jake keeps saying on your show were running out of words to describe this era. What words are left . None we can say on network television. Though youve tried. Stephen youre on cable. You can do what you want. I try to keep the joint somewhat classy. I mean, its just bizarre. Its its in a way, dystopian, in a way i mean, literally, President Trump, today, came out to talk about how the United States is ready to reopen, and he i mean, they cant even keep the pandemic out of the white house, literally. Two officials tested positive there, three Top Health Officials are selfisolating, doctors fauci, redfield and hahn of the c. D. C. And f. D. A. Dr. Fauci you know, of course. Its not funny. Its dark. But, i mean, its almost as if sometimes the president doesnt understand that we can see and hear whats going on. I mean, he said today that they had achieved this greatness with testing, and then somebody said and one of the reporters said that, you know, youre doing surveillance testing and Contact Tracing at the white house, which is great, when will the American People have access to that same kind of testing . Which is a question i have been asking for weeks. And the president just turned it into a grievance, oh, if we didnt have good testing, then you would be attacking me for not having good testing. Again, no answer to the question. No answer to the question. Stephen do you think theres any reason to believe that its only those three people in the white house . Because, so far, its been trumps valet, its been spokeswoman for mike pence, and, i believe, ivanka trumps assistant has been tested positive. But why wouldnt it be more people than that . Why wouldnt they tell us the truth . Well, thats one. This is a white house that established its affinity for truth early on with crowd sizes at the inauguration. But beyond that, looking at the serious medical condition of this and the situation in terms of how incredibly easily spread this virus is, its very possible that more people have it in the white house and, you know, look, i dont say that lightly. I dont wish this on anyone at all anywhere. But, i mean, i asked sanjay gupta that today on my show. I said, what are the odds its only these two people . And i think ivankas assistant was in a different area, i dont think she was at the white house, but these two were at the white house. And sanjay said its very likely there are others who have been infected and, in fact, just today, the white house sent out a memo to staffers that said they had to wear masks when they entered the property, which is odd, too, because the c. D. C. Told the rest of us a month ago that we needed to wear masks. So i dont know, although there is this idea that President Trump might think that people who wear masks are displaying weakness or something. Thats been suggested about why people dont do it at the white house. But its very disconcerting, and i am at a loss for words quite often, covering this. Stephen youve talked onair to a white house aide to ask the president to talk to him about invoking the defense production act for the manufacturing of tests, among other things, and asked members to have the g. O. P. To talk to the president , take the science seriously. Is that the role of journalists now to encourage people close to the president to take action, or take certain aspects about the research of this seriously . Do you feel like thats your role . Its a good question, because, obviously, you k

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