Plus, many more so, what are you waiting for . Order surfin m. I. A. Today, and enjoy summer the way it was meant to be spent alone and in the dark. Announcer its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight depress briefing. Plus, stephen welcomes Jake Gyllenhaal. And musical guest m. Ward. Featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now, live on tape from a safe distance, its Stephen Colbert stephen if its true, that will be great. Oh, hi. Welcome to a late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. My wife and i were just talking about when when we get to find out whats actually happening, so we can all go back to living our lives. Because, like all of you, im sure, im just looking forward to the glorious day when this crisis is over, and i can rip off my mask and go into a crowded room full of elderly people and lick them all. And what gets me is, President Trump should have seen this covid crisis coming. Were now learning that as far back as january, the president s intelligence briefing book repeatedly cited the virus threat. Well, theres your problem. Those are three of trumps least favorite words intelligence, briefing, and book. If they really wanted him to pay attention, they should have called it his daily pornographic hamburger fire truck. For a guy who doesnt know what hes talking about, trump sure does talk a lot. He was at it again yesterday, but not without a little drama, because, in one day, the white house scheduled, canceled, then rescheduled the press briefing. Who changes their mind that often . Its a press briefing, don, not a wedding vow. Trump was asked about his suggestion last week that people inject disinfectant to cure the coronavirus. Reporter maryland and other states governor larry hogan, specifically said theyve seen a spike in people using disinfectant after your comments last week. I know you said they were sarcastic, but do you take i cant imagine why. I cant imagine why, yeah. Reporter do you take any responsibility if someone were to die . No, i cant imagine i cant imagine that. Stephen i cant imagine why those people followed your advice. Its a real mystery. Specifically, nancy drew and the case of bleach she drank after trump told her to. Then, the president shifted blame to his longtime nemesis, fill in the blank. It could have been stopped, and it could have been stopped short. But. Somebody a long time ago, it seems, decided not to do it that way. And the whole world is suffering because of it. Stephen as trump yes, someone should have stopped it, a long time ago, and i dont wanna say where. Lets just say, in a galaxy far, far away. That bad guy had a ventilator on his face. He knew something was up. Now, at the briefing, the Trump Administration unveiled what they called their blueprint for increasing testing capacity. But it leaves the onus on states to develop their own plans. So their plan is, make someone else come up with the plan. And im being told we have a copy of the trump blueprint in fact, the federal governments blueprint described the federal government as the supplier of last resort. Well, that is inspiring leadership, just like braveheart they may take our lives, but theyll never take our freedom anyway, thats the blueprint good luck im a fighter of last resort stephen then reporters grilled Vice President mike pence about why the number of tests has been so much lower than what he said they would be almost two months ago. Reporter mr. Vice president , back in early march, you said wed get four million tests by the following week. Weve just now gotten there in the last few days. What lessons have you learned from the mistakes over the last month and a half or so . Jon, i appreciate the question, but it represents a misunderstanding on your part and, frankly, a lot of people in the publics part about the difference between having a test, versus the ability to actually process the test. Stephen well, okay, but if you dont process the tests, then you dont get any results theres a reason why, when you take a pregnancy test, two minutes later, it doesnt say congratulations, its pee. But i dont know why were listening to that guy at all, because today, pence visited the mayo clinic, where he was the only person not wearing a face mask. Oh, my god you are the head of the Coronavirus Task force, and youre in the hospital, and youre the only one without a mask. Hold on, ive got a mask for you right here. Its not like the Vice President didnt know. The hospital has a strict policy requiring all visitors to wear masks, and tweeted after pences visit, mayo clinic had informed the Vice President of the masking policy prior to his arrival today. Wow. That must have been harsh for mike pence to get roasted by his idol mayo. While pence was saying it and spraying it, trump had a coronavirus meeting with Florida Governor ron desantis, seen here estimating the size of his brain. Right off the bat, trump offered some crazy ideas to fight the virus, like banning entire countries from entering florida. Youre going to be cutting off brazil. I mean, youre going to not actually cut them off. But its just if youre going to fly to miami, then the airlines should give you the abbott test, and then put you on the plane. But if would you ever want to ban certain countries . If theyre if they were seeding the United States, i think we should ban them. Youll let us know. Youll be watching and youll let us know. Stephen what . What do you mean, youll let us know . Ron desantis will let the president of the United States know if he wants to ban a country . Thats not how this works. I dont trust florida with international policy. I barely trust florida with florida. Dont ask his advice doesnt trump know that asking a floridian for advice is floridas leading cause of death . And then desantis boasted about floridas success. His secret . Having Jared Kushner on speed dial. Jared, he had a team, going around, like, figuring out where the ventilators would be needed. So when everyone was talking about 40,000 ventilators in new york. Im in contact with jared about florida, about new york, and he was saying, well, theyre not going to need that. And i was like, look, i, actually, i agree with your numbers, i dont think we need any ventilators in florida right now. Maybe things will change. So they were ready at a moments notice to get the ventilators wherever they were needed. They were absolutely ready, willing, and able to do that once the data suggested it. Stephen look, im not saying desantis is an asskisser. Im just saying, in a pinch, he could use kushners butt as a ventilator. Oh, hey theres news from the world of air travel theres still a world of air travel. I thought the airlines had just let all the planes return to the wild. It turns out, not only are the airlines flying, theyre still crowding people on board. Look at this recent footage of a flight from new york to charlotte, North Carolina. Now, of course, thats back in coach. In first class, you get coronavirus on your hot towel. The passenger who took this video tweeted that shed never felt less safe or cared for in my entire life. Obviously, she has never flown on spirit airlines. When another customer asked an Airline Employee about the crowded conditions, she was told that if the airline sells 150 seats, they will board 150 seats. Its a business. Yes. Yes, we noticed it was a business, back when you started charging us an extra 70 for blood circulation. But some airlines are trying to adapt to the coronavirus world. For example, the folks at jetblue have said theyre going to be the first u. S. Airline to require passenger face masks. Jetblues chief operating officer explained that this is the new flying etiquette. Replacing the old flying etiquette none. And jetblue isnt the only airline doing virus prevention, because airasia has launched a new Flight Attendant uniform with long sleeves, face mask, and hood. So, apparently, now your flight crew is manned by a posse of break dancers from chernobyl. Air travel is the least of our problems, though. Because americans could see meat shortages by the end of the week. Apparently, outbreaks are forcing the closure of some of the countrys biggest slaughterhouses for safety reasons. You know its bad if slaughterhouses are doing something for safety reasons. Theyre pretty tough places. Theres a reason they dont call them cuddle houses. According to the chairman of tyson foods mike tyson, im going to say supplychain issues mean that millions of pounds of meat will disappear. A phrase thats actually inscribed over the door frame of every arbys. The shortage has already begun. Almost a third of the u. S. Pork capacity is down. And it doesnt help that arbys just introduced their new sandwich the u. S. Pork capacity. Fortunately, this problem came to the attention of americas numberone meat fan, because today, trump ordered u. S. Meat plants to stay open amid the pandemic. Wow, he really acted quickly to save the meats. Maybe they should have put that in the initial intelligence briefing. as aide mr. President , hundreds of thousands of americans could be infected with this deadly virus. And some of those people make your hamburgers. as trump quick ramp up the testing, and fire up the grill. Of course, i dont know why anyone is surprised by this. That old crone tried to warn us of the coming meat shortage years ago. Wheres the beef . Stephen we have a great show for you tonight. Ill be talking to the lovely and talented Jake Gyllenhaal. But when we return, meanwhile. Tuuck you want a walk . Come on tucker, lets go. Tuck, tuck, do you want a walk boy . Tucker, do you want to go out . When the whole family needs an excuse to get out, nutros clean recipe will help your dog keep up. Week one, here we go. Did everybody read the book . [miscellaneous responses of no] [orange] i read it captain. I read it. It was amazing. It opened my eyes. Nah, im just joking. I dont have eyes. [captain] Great Book Club guys. [orange] you know i cant read captain. [captain] Great Book Club guys. There are so many toothpastes out there, which one should i use . Try crest pro active defense. It neutralizes bacteria for a healthier mouth than even the leading multibenefit toothpaste. Crest. Contactless delivery trright to your car,et. Designed for your day. Your moves. Your style. Your taste. So quick and easy. Just download the target app today. Its interesting what happens when you treat every little piece of a thing. Like its not just one thing. But everything. Because when each part does everything better than ever. Imagine what you can do with the sum of those parts. The new dell xps 10th gen intel bong less oral steroids. Taking my treatment at home. Nucala is a oncemonthly addon injection for severe eosinophilic asthma. Not for sudden breathing problems. Allergic reactions can occur. Get help right away for swelling of face, mouth, tongue, or trouble breathing. Infections that can cause shingles have occurred. Dont stop steroids unless told by your doctor. Tell your doctor if you have a parasitic infection. May cause headache, injection site reactions, back pain, and fatigue. Ask your doctor about nucala at home. Find your nunormal with nucala. Theyre going to be paying for this for a long time. They will, but with accident forgiveness allstate wont raise your rates just because of an accident, even if its your fault. Cut sonny. Was that good . Line the desert never lies. Isnt that what i said . No you were talking about allstate and insurance. I just. When i. Lets try again. Everybody back to one. Accident forgiveness from allstate. Click or call for a quote today. Accident forgiveness and the hidden smiles. The foggy glasses, and the muffled laughs. A simple piece of fabric makes a big statement i care. Wear a mask. Lets all do our part to slow the spread. Stephen hey, everybody. Welcome back. Were already here talking with our friend jon batiste. We were just working out some we were just we were just working out some some some. Jon common tonality harmony. Stephen thats exactly what i was going to say, some common tonality harmony. Jon its a fun game. Just play the one note. Stephen aaahh jon oooh stephen can i sing jazz . You bet ready . Aaaahhhh. No matter what he plays, im ready. Jon youre a bad cat. Stephen oh, yeah, im way gone, daddyo. laughter how are you doing today . You look all fresh and happy. Jon yeah. Im good. I was just checking speaking of jazz, i was listening to Duke Ellington on the dick cavett show. Stephen wow. I didnt realize he had done that show. And i checked that out, man, and i was pleasantly surprised to find that clip floating around online, you know. Stephen thats nice. What did they talk about . Jon well, i was just listening to it just before we started talking. But they were starting to talk about how hes on the road and he never leaves the road. Like, Duke Ellington stephen like, didnt have a home, just was always on the road. Jon yeah. And his idea of touring was that it didnt exist. Theres no such thing as touring. Its just a way of life. And that was really interesting to hear how he approached the music like that. Stephen wow, wow. Hard on the family, i guess. Jon ah, yeah. Thats not for me. But. You know, duke made great music, so maybe he figured something out, you know. Stephen thank you, jon. Jon much love. Stephen you know, i spend most of my time sitting right here, bringing together the organic whole wheat flour, the triplefiltered water, the frenchflaked sea salt, and the fresh active bakers yeast that are the big stories of the day, proofing and baking them into the artisanal baguette that is my monologue. But sometimes, sometimes, instacart cant get any of that stuff. So, i like to also sit right here, rummage through the news pantry for some expired cake mix, soak some raisins in tepid orange juice to ferment my own yeast, and throw in the baking soda from the back of the crisper, to make the hobostyle quickbread of news that is my quarantine meanwhile segment quarantinewhile stephen quarantinewhile, in california, a trio of suspected thieves was arrested in what police are calling a heinous toilet paper caper. You can see it all in the new action comedy, oceans number 2. Police were patrolling a Shopping Mall parking lot when they came across the thieves trying to steal 31 rolls of toilet paper, 31 towels of various sizes, and four sets of bed sheets. No judgement, but it really sounds like those thieves are planning to wipe their butts with towels and sheets. It would explain charmins new slogan enjoy the go, dread the laundry. Quarantinewhile, americans are stockpiling frozen pizza, causing a potential shortage amid the coronavirus. Really . Frozen pizza . Fresh pizza is one of the things you can still have brought to you. Frozen pizza is a last resort. Thats why the slogan is, its not delivery. Its deonly thing we have. Quarantinewhile, a dog has tested positive for coronavirus, marking the first known positive case in a dog in the United States. Not to blame the victim here, but i doubt the dog was observing proper hygiene protocols while licking his own butt. Canine patient zero is a pug from North Carolina named winston, seen here contaminating the photographer. But you dont have to worry about him because, apparently, he was only sick for a few days and is now doing much better. Though, keep in mind, this is a pug were talking about. So this is what it looks like when hes feeling healthy. Now, this isnt just a dog problem, because some cats have also tested positive for coronavirus. Hold up how are these dogs and cats getting access to covid19 tests . Do they play in the n. B. A. . You know, theres nothing in the rule book that says that a dog cant play in the n. B. A. Quarantinewhile, the pentagon has officially released u. F. O. Videos. Now, this isnt new footage. The pentagon is just officially declassifying it, after the navy videos were first released by a company cofounded by former blink182 musician tom delonge. Will all sensitive government secrets now come from 90s pop bands . I look forward to getting north Korean Missile defense information from smashmouth. Sss agent smathmouse. Agent smaghtmoush. Agent, agent smath agent smath agent smathmouth. Agent smash its not easy to say, agent smashmouth. Agent smashmouth, how did you come by this information . Some body once told me those launchpads arent phony i think this is a credible threat quarantinewhile, a family in iowa made a sidewalk chalk Monopoly Game during the covid 19 lockdown. Heres video of the game board winding through their neighborhood. Isnt that nice . Look at that. Thats cool. Very impressive. And way safer than my idea fullsized hungry hungry hippos. Well be right back with Jake Gyllenhaal. Some body once told me smashmouth the countdown has begun. til everyone can enjoy a professional clean feel. At home. Cool . Drop the taco. Get in the car. Does this sentra feel like a compromise to you . Wait, what. . The handling is good, right . No compromise there. Nope watch this. Umm. Bbrie. Brie brie rear automatic braking. So if this Nissan Sentra isnt gonna compromise, why should you . Youre right atta girl. The allnew Nissan Sentra. With more standard safety features than any other car in its class. Ok, so, magnificent mile for me i thought i was managing. My moderate to severe Crohns Disease. Yes until i realized something was missing. Me. You ok, sis . My symptoms kept me from being there for my sisters. Flight boarding for flight 2007 to chicago. So i talked to my doctor and learned. Humira is for people who still have symptoms of Crohns Disease after trying other medications. And the majority of people on humira saw significant symptom relief. And many achieved remission in as little as 4 weeks. Humira can lower your ability to fight infections. Serious and sometimes fatal infections, including tuberculosis, and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened, as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. Tell your doctor. If youve been to areas where