Noah cyrus and Billy Ray Cyrus featuring john batiste and stay human. And now live from a safe distance its stephen colbert. Stephen welcome to a late show. Im your host stephen colbert. Its mid july and despite our best quarantine efforts yesterday america set a new record for daily coronavirus cases. Way more than we starnt started quarantining back in march it st almost as if that celebrity imagine video didnt help. Should we try another one. Maybe sugar pie, honey bunch. Sugar pie honey bunch. If florida alone new cases over the past week outstripped the total count in most european nations, that is a shocking vacuum of leadership in a state that i will remind you has an entil canwe just plug in annto e of o old guys and put him in charge. This country has really the pooch. Thank you, general. All the people in charge who told us the pandemic wasnt a big deal are looking big dumb right now like oklahoma governor and chonky dracula kevin stitt, cuz remember trumps rally in tulsa, oklahoma full of unmasked open mouth screamers. Lots of people called it a terrible idea, said it should be cancelled. Not Governor Stitt. Were going to be very safe and we think its the right time. And my question back to all the folks that say you shouldnt have a rally, when is the right time. Stephen oh, oh, i know, when it wont kill the audience. Did i did i thank you. So anyway they threw the rally. 6,000 people shouted their aerial sized viruses at each other and Governor Stitt was there without a mask to huff it all in. And now to the governor, the stit stitt has hit the fan because earlier today he made this announcement. I personally get tested periodically throughout this whole thing. And got tested yesterday for covid19 and the results came back positive. So i feel, feel fine. I felt a little bit achy yesterday. Stephen well, i would feel achy too if i spent the afternoon banging my head against the wall going stitt you big dumbee, why did you do t you did it again, just like the time you drank that whole jug of crick water because your cousin said it was iced tea, damn you, you stitt for brain. That really gets it fluffy, doesnt it. What am i doing here. Oh my god, mi going to need a little advil for my neck, that i got to say, i feel a little achy breaky too. Stick around for noah and billy ray later by the way. Regardless, Governor Stitt, i hope you recover soon. Al pase wear bse are you now contagious and you might want to hide your face in shame for awhile. Now masks are still our best bet for controlling this virus according to cdc director and amish potatoe dr. Robert redfield. Here is what redfield said yesterday. I think that if we can get everybody to wear a mask i think in the next four, to six weeks we could bring this epidemic under control. Stephen super, all we have to do is slow some discipline. Shouldnt be a problem for the country that invited hot dog pizza. Now the cdc reporting this coronavirus Hospital Data is making the Trump Administration look terrible. But the Trump Administration is finally come up with a solution to the crisis, coronavirus Hospital Data will now be sent to the Trump Administration instead of the cd, c. And i believe we have some live video of the new Trump Administration covid Data Processing center. laughter . Stephen you see trump doesnt want us to know what the real coronavirus numbers are. He knows hes failed. Hes just like a kid grabbing his report cart card out of the mail box before anyone could see it but were going to find out how bad he is doing when we all have to make coffins in shop class. But there is some good news on the covid front because last night we found out that the moderna Coronavirus Vaccine shows promising safety and immune response results in a published phase 1 study but blah blah blah we have a vaccine. Give it to me. I want to eat unwiped groceries and finely film my special the late show say it and spraytacular live from the unventilated basement of a nursing home with special guest Governor Stitt. Of course once a vaccine does come out everyone on earth is going to want it. And to make sure everyone can afford it some Pharma Companies have made a no profit pledge. No pharma profit. Unless the vaccine also happens to cure erectile disfunction in which case they got to get their beaks wet and its not their beeks. And no pharma a no profit pledge is a noble gesture but some folks are sceptical because these pharmaceutical Companies Promise comes with a cav yet vaccines will be offered at no profit quote during the pandemic. Hmmmm, thankfully big pharma has come up with a way to reassure the public about their motives and it is all in their new ad. Are you worried about the future. Unable to sleep at night, afraid that Pharma Companies will put their profits ahead of your health . If you are concerned about the cost of a vaccine, ask your doctor about vacsalax, the only medication prove tone reduce anxiety about big pharma taking advantage of you in a National Crisis am you can trust vacsalax because of its mascot professor cashington. Side effects include legless rest syndrome. Crumble food, spontaneous beard spore sparrows, final contracting, big old pink face, gordon fisherman syndrome, scrotal yotus vaccine resistance. Full blown coronavirus and Dollar Dollar bills yall 6789 with covid raging across the nation donald trump held an Emergency Press kmps yesterday in the rose garden. Now traditionally addresses from the rose garden are not baldly political events. It is where you celebrate pardon the turkey and celebrate the rare champion turkey. But this was just another rally speech in which trump raged and attacked joe biden by name nearly 30 times. At this point hes just trying to talk biden out of his basement,s whata matter joe, afraid to come out and fight me in the searing Nuclear Fallout of public scorn . Fine, i guess ill be the only one mutating in the agonizing hell scape that i created. Trumps main argument is that biden was too soft on china. Biden personally lead the effort to give china permanent most favored nation status which is a tremendous advantage for a country to have, few countries have it. T the united sta have it never did. Stephen this is so true. The United States never received favored nation trading status from the United States. And when will america finally have an ambassador to the United States. Every other country gets one. Must be sweet, way to go joe. Earlier in the day biden announced an ambitious plan to combat climate change, so trump tried to scare the voters with it. They want to rejoin the paris climate accord. And they want to seek an even higher level. Mandate net zero Carbon Emissions for homes, offices and all New Buildings by 2030. That basically means no windows. Stephen no windows . What and how will windows carbon emitting. Did we find out donald trump has a gasoline powered venetian blind . Eric, quick, you pull the two cordy things and i will fire her up. Pull ou the choke. According to trump biden has his sights on more than just windows. Joe biden wants to send school choice, abolish educational standards, abolish in the suburbs, are you going to abolish the suburbs with this. Stephen abolish the suburbs. How desperate is he to scare suburban voters. Joe biden is going to borrow your weed wacker and never return it, okay. Hes going to rake his leaves over the Property Line in your yard. Hes going to tear down your seasonal flag of a kitten sitting in a picnic basket and then not close his recycling bin and thats why the raccoons are just going to take over. Im not running a [bleep] raccoon hotel here. But its not just joe biden. Trump also attacked the real enemy of democracy, people voting. These mail in figures, some democrat governor sends in millions of ballots all over the state. Who are they sending them to. Nobody has any idea. Theyre sending them to dogs. They actually have them sent to dugs. Stephen dogs. Well, its about damn time, for too long they have had castration without representation. Dog barker approved. Stephen we also got mores Catherine Herridge who asked trump about what he plans to do about the lag in coronavirus testing. What can you do to speed up the testing result time. There are different kinds of tests. There are tests that are very good, very strong. Where you send it to a laboratory. The best thing we can do is we are doing more and more of them is onsite testing. Will you push for more onsite testing. I like it the best. I mean i like it the best. It might not be as accurate by the way but i like it the best. Stephen i love tests that are inaccurate, like the one that said i have no cognitive decline. Perfect test. I love it. I love you, are you my wife. Who am i . Hide me, joe biden is coming for my windows. Dog trump has blamed china for the pandemic so herridge asked him what he is going to do about that. How will you hold the Chinese Government accountable for covid19. Youll see, youll see, its not for you, its for me. Stephen oh no, he has gone full dr. Seuss, youll see, youll see, its not for you, its for me. How will i punish president xi, that my friends is a mystery. With a sploot and a splort and a sklout and a frowt, i have no idea what i am talking about. Are you my wife . Trumps messaging on masks has been lets say unhelpful. And last night he managed to keep up his streak. Would you urge americans to wear masks . If its necessary i would urge them to wear a mask. Stephen powerful, it reminded me of Nancy Reagans antidrug campaign, just say no, if its necessary. Cocaine is delicious. Yesterday was also primary day in three states. Maine, alabama and texas. And some familiar faces graced the ballotsk like former white house physician dr. Ronny jackson seen here winning a stairing contest with a ceiling fan. Jackson left his post at the white house after allegations he was playing fast and loose with prescriptions earning him the nickname the candy man. Its true. Urban ledge legend say if you say dr. Ronnys name three times in a mirror at midnight, the drugs he gave you finally kick in. The reputation of being a pill popping daddy didnt hurt jackson too much because yesterday he won the gop primary runoff for a texas congressional seat. It helped that his campaign passed out free prescription pads. It was a rougher night for former attorney general and grandma saying young lady are you not leaving this house in a crop top. Jeff sessions. Yesterday sessions lost the alabama gop senate runoff. Thats it thats the end of Jeff Sessions political career. Ul but its too tiny. And to add insult to injury, sessions lost to trumpbacked candidate tommy tuberville, this is a stunning political fall. Sessions was the first senator to back trump in 2016. Trump never fore gave sessions for recusing himself from the russia investigation which is why trump backed tuberville. What shifts the story from sad to truly pathetic is that sessions never stopped loving trump. This is his Actual Campaign ad. You know, out of 100 United States senators i was the very first one to stand with donald trump. I knew he was the one to make America Great again and i will keep fighting for President Trump and his agenda. Im Jeff Sessions, i approve this ad. Stephen that is the saddest thing i have ever seen it is like a jilted lover wearing her x boyfriends hat. Dont take her back, carl. This loss has got to be a huge blow to Jeff Sessions, so here to tell us how hes handling it, please welcome former attorney general Jeff Sessions. Hello, stephen. I do declare the loss of my former seat in the great state of alamanto in Jefferson Beauregard sessions the 3rd that i have made a fateful decision. A world where i cant lick the boot of donald trump isnt one i want to be in. At least i outlived my integrity. Here i go. Im headed toward the white dont try to stop me. I wont. Ill do it. I believe you. Goodbye cruel world. I love you donald trump. Glub Glub Glub Glub glub glub. Jeff sessions, everybody. Weve got a great show for you tonight, Ricky Gervais is here. But when we come back, meanwhile. Youre not using too much are you hon . Charmin ultra soft is so soft youll have to remind your family they can use less. Charmin ultra soft is twice as absorbent so you can use less. Enjoy the go with charmin. Scratch that, baby, im grateful. Gotta say, its really been a while. Smile check everything off the list with supplies from 50ยข. Get ready for school at target. Original crown molding, walk in closets. We do have a ratt problem. Round and round with love well find a way, just give it time. At least geico makes bundling our home and Car Insurance easy. It does help us save. Round and round with love well find a way, just give it time. Round and round what comes around, goes around. For bundling made easy, go to geico. Com a mobile plan that blows away those highpriced plans boost mobiles all new hrinkit plan the longer you stay, the less you pay. Watch your bill shrink to 35 month after just 6 ontime payments. Plus get a free lg k51 when you switch on our new, upgraded network. Boost mobile. When you switch on our new, upgraded network. Hi. Whats on your mind . In. Can you help keep these guys protected online . Easy. Connect to the xfi gateway. What about wireless data options for the family . You can customize and save. What about internet speeds that can keep up with my gaming . Lets hook you up with the Fastest Internet from xfinity. And now with our stores reopening, were putting Healthy Practices in place. Come visit a store today. Stop in or book an appointment online at a time that works for you. Now thats simple, easy, awesome. Ask. Shop. Discover at your local xfinity store today. Stephen welcome back, everybody, we are here with our friend mr. Jon batiste. Hello, jon, for the people at home didnt get to hear just now is that you were being transported by aretha. Jon yes, oh my goodness. Her voice brings you to a place that you want to be. Stephen can you play a Little Something for us as we go to the next act . Jon yes, yes. Stephen thank you, jon, jon batiste, everybody. News, sling th p most of my timt topical cheese and taking the perfectly bald made it order Club Sandwich that is a monologue. I like to set aside some smaller scraps of news bread and forget them on the counter which develops mold which come tam natures the petri dish inhibbity irrelevanted bacterial growth, then purify it to make the unregulated path tub pen sellin of news that is my segment. Is quarantinewhile. Quarantinewhile. I wouldnt be doing my job if i didnt mention the latest online interweb viral sensation known as everything is cake. A clear trademark violation of the motto i live by, cake is everything. Heres a video by a turkish pastry master that will make you question all that you know to be true. Stephen that toilet paper really hits hem with me because many is the time i sat on the john and then been horrified to find out that were out of cake. But really what caught my attention was this one that looks exactly like a pizza but surprise, underneath is cake. Thats insane, who would even think to put pizza right on top of cake because certainly no one has ever done that when they were high last night. Kwn teenwhile, a u. K. Pub installed an electric fence at the bar to ensure patrons socially distance from it, nice try but the young idiots getting hammered, that electric fence is a deterrent,s that a a challenge, bro, lets grab it, next round is on whoevers heart stops first. Quarantinewhile, covid is caution drama in americas proud naked community because now neweddists re nudist resorts are requiring masks i will say if before this you would tell me nudists would be forced to cover up for public health, the mouth would not be the orifice i assumed was the problem. The requirements are rubbing nudists the wrong way, which is very common. Many are worried about tan lines and one long time nudist said that it is hard not to see each others faces because one of the things nudists are known for is the friendliness. Yes. That is one of the things that they are known for. Couple of the things they are known for but i try to keep my eyes up on the friendly part. Quarantinewhile, nintendo and lego have teamed up to create a lego version of the classic nes console, to be clear, its not playable. St a lego model of a tv and the game console. Its the perfect gift for that person in your life whose favorite part of baking is building the oven. The system features an 8bit mario on a scrolling screen recreation of a supermario brothers level. All in pieces of lego. So now when mario steps on the bad guys, he doesnt die but it hurts like hell. Quarantinewhile, burger kings latest sustain ability effort is to reduce cow farts, here is a free tip, you want to make sure the cows fart less, dont feed them burger king. The folks at bk are tweaking the cows diets by adding 100 grams of lemongrass to reduce methane emissions and the meat will be used in whoppers at some restaurants in austin, los angeles, miami, new york and portland beginning tuesday. And to promote it burger king workers are wearing these cool new buttons that say ask me about our reduced fartbeef. Quarantinewhile, researchers are turning to the animal kung dom to find treatment for stis, an mams are useful in the study of these infections