Get a keeper of the peedm itn bf fries and a 32ounce of tear gas for just 5. 99, or just beat me up and take it youre above the law. Its fascist franks, south of the loop, where our beef is the mussoleanest in town. Announcer its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, for whom the cold spell. Plus stephen welcomes Greta Thunberg, with a special appearance by keeganmichael key, featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now live on tape from a safe distance, its Stephen Colbert stephen what have you got going . What are you doing after this . A party. Stephen you know were not supposed to date the staff but i was just wondering what youre doing later . Ive got plans. Stephen mmm. Welcome to a late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Id like to start the show with a little bit of good news. The first voting in the president ial election starts in six weeks. Are you registered to vote . Go register to vote. Right now. This is a good year to vote. And a lot of people are looking forward to it. Because in the latest abc Washington PostLunchables Brunchables poll, joe biden leads the president by 15 points. Thats good news. If these polls hold true biden could have the biggest margin of victory since Hillary Clinton was elected president in 2016. Biden ise len rt suburbanites by an historic margin. Makes sense. A lot of suburbanites can identify with the fact that biden has one really cool black friend and keeps bringing him up all the time. But the main reason trumps losing is his bungling of the pandemic response. 54 of Americans Trust biden over trump on handling the covid crisis. Yes, trump has alienated a group of singleissue voters the antidying demographic. They got their own bumper stickers. So, with americans being infected by the tens of thousands every day and his polls in freefall, yesterday, the president announced that he is bringing back his Coronavirus Task force briefings. Its the reboot nobody wanted dirty grandpa 2020. Now, the first briefing was scheduled for after i taped tonights show. I havent seen it yet, so no one tell me which household chemical he drinks this time. Because last time trump did these briefings, his approval numbers plummeted after he advocated injectable lysol. So this time, aides are saying the plan is to keep them short and tight. I dont know how theyre going to do that, unless they fit the president with one of those doggy shock collars. We are making great progress on the quest for a vaccine, just like the great warriors who fought to defend the confederate flag. Geegh ggeeghh ugh, god. This is just like when i try to run out into the street. I saw a squirrel we got a preview of the president s message from White House Press secretary kayleigh mcenany, seen here trying to guess the ethnicity of the guys fixing her roof. Today, mcenany said this. These are going to be short briefings, that the president mainly delivering information to the American People thats needed on therapeutics and vaccines. And the way this president has cut down barriers and got us to the point where we already have a vaccine in phase iii Clinical Trial because of this president. Stephen oh, so hes trying to take credit for the vaccine. as trump i actually invented vaccines. I said, lets take a little bit of disease and stick it into a healthy person. Same way i approach sex. Still, its good that hes going to be talking about the new scientific developments, and deferring to the experts, except not, because many of the briefings are likely to feature just the president. So instead of getting the old band back together, were just getting a daily performance trumps solo project the bleach boy. Trump has been so busy shanking the response to the coronavirus that he forgot about his real passion project demonizing immigrants. But hes gone back to basics because earlier today, trump barred the u. S. Census from counting undocumented immigrants, saying in a statement, my administration will not support giving congressional representation to aliens who enter or remain in the country unlawfully because doing so would create perverse incentives. as trump yes, it gives aliens perverse incentives. Ive heard what theyre doing with those probes. He continued, there used to be a time when you could proudly declare, i am a citizen of the United States. Yeah. And that ended around january 20th, 2017. Jokes like this make stephen long for an audience slam stephen of course, theresli fact that its completely unconstitutional. Because it is congress, not the president , that article 1, section 2 of the constitution empowers to carry out the actual enumeration of the countrys population, but trump doesnt take no from the constitution. He just grabs it by the preamble. Speaking of unconstitutional, last night in Portland Oregon nameless federal stormtroopers again fired tear gas and flash grenades at protesters. Or as trump put it, we are trying to help portland, not hurt it. You want to help the people of portland, you dont send in goons to round them up you buy their organic fairtrade macrame. One of the headlines this week was a group of moms who stood between the feds and protesters. Well, last night, they were joined by a group of dads. Glad theyre there, showing their support. But that is classic dad. as dad sure, mom drove you to every dance practice, but i took you out for pizza after the recital remember that . I didnt know you danced local officials arent happy. Oregon Governor Kate Brown complained, we cannot have secret police abducting people in unmarked vehicles. I cant believe i have to say that to the president of the United States. Really . You cant believe that . Just one of a long list of other things you shouldnt have to say to the president of the United States like Frederick Douglass is dead, dont inject bleach, and you cant date your daughter. But trump believes he knows why the local officials are really complaining. The governor and the mayor and the senators out there, they are afraid of these people. Thats the reason they dont want us to help them. Theyre afraid. They are actually afraid of these people, and thats why i they say they dont want the feeral government helping. Stephen oh, yeah. Theyre frightened because these protesters are incredibly scary. Like this woman doing yoga to distract the feds. That is naked aggression theres only one federal agency that can handle that sort of protest. This fall on cbs obgyncis. The cases are cold and so is the speculum. But portland is just the beginning. Im not etch going to look at you. But portland is just the beginning. Because yesterday, the president suggested deploying his duck duck goosesteppers to other cities. This is worse than afghanistan by far. Stephen i guess were going to war with chicago for 19 years. Look, theyve got to have some oil in that deep dish. Yesterday, Homeland Security officials confirmed that they are making preparations to deploy federal agents to chicago. This is going to get bad. Because trump wants more chaos. The conflict makes him feel like a big man. So these secret police are really being sent out to escalate the protests. And its easy to escalate conflict in chicago. Just wear a cubs hat to a sox game or put ketchup on a hot dog. They will cut you. And its not just chicago. Trump is planning a tour. Were looking at chicago too, were looking at new york. Whats happening in new york, a place i love, i love new york and look at whats going on over there . Stephen wow, that is chilling. Which is why new york city mayor bill deblasio tweeted, weve seen the chaos secret police are creating in portland. We wont let it happen here. To which new yorkers said, you tell em deblasio. Also, shut up deblasio you see, new yorkers dont like trump, but they arent huge deblasio fans, either. And no one is really sure what deblasio can do to keep out trumps goons. So lifes about to look a little different in new york. Just ask some of our most famous new yorkers. As the secret police descended on new york city, i couldnt help but wonder, if i have secrets, am i the police . I kind of like the idea of having a strong man throw a bag over my head. As long as he has a really big baton. While federal agents were violating civil rights uptown, downtown, steve was protecting mirandas rights. Habeas corpus habeas corpus stephen now, if youre looking to escape the trump hellscape, you now have one less option for your dream vacation, because american tourists are now banned from the bahamas as our coronavirus cases spike. Which is a refreshing change from the usual reason americans get banned from the bahamas drunkenly trying to take a dolphin parasailing. The bahamas is just the latest in a long list of countries banning u. S. Tourists, including japan, new zealand, canada, mexico, and all 27 countries of the european union. The downside is we cant go anywhere. But the upside is where in the world is carmen san diego . Just got a lot easier. Shes in san diego. Wee lking to climate activist Greta Thunberg, plus keeganmichael key drops by. But when we come back, meanwhile. Join us. Wont you . Where are you . honey, did you hear about these new geico savings . Mom . Youll get an extra 15 on top of what geico could already save you. Can i call you back . Your fathers been researching our geneology. Were vikings theres never been a better time to save with geico. Switch by october seventh for an extra 15 on car and motorcycle insurance. Hey, we lost the wifi password. Do you remember what that is . Join tscore savings andet pdeals in store and online. E. Plus, help target support your community. Enjoy exclusives just for you, at no cost to you. Join target circle for free today. [orange] hey, whats up guys . [ginger] oh my god [captain] orange, why are you naked . [orange] oh god, is my camera on . [captain] ill never unsee this. [orange] okay hold on. Hows that . [miscellaneous reactions of disgust] [orange] floridas finest baby. A mobile plan that blows away those highpriced plans boost mobiles all new hrinkit plan the longer you stay, the less you pay. Watch your bill shrink to 35 month after just 6 ontime payments. Plus get a free lg k51 when you switch on our new, upgraded network. Boost mobile. When you switch on our new, upgraded network. Itchy . Scratchy . Family not get charmin ultra strong. It just cleans better, so your family can use less. Enjoy the go with charmin. [10th gen intel bong] its about the next 10 years. But this is something you can do today. You can make a difference today. By completing the 2020 census. The census impacts hospitals. Schools. Public transportation. And most importantly, our representation in government. It gives us an opportunity to be heard. Its easy. Its only 10 questions. So do you part. Go to 2020census. Gov and complete the census today. What are you waiting for . Stephen hey, everybody, welcome back to a late show. Lets check in with our friend, master of the ham bone, mr. Jon batiste. Slapping his legs so hard theyve turned bright pink. Jon fuchsia. Youve got to have the fuchsia. Stephen hey, you know, i really enjoyed talking with you last night about john lewis. Jon oh, yeah. Stephen looking at that footage from four years ago of you talking to him when you guys were getting your hair done jon yes. Stephen i dont think of you as having grown any older. Jon uhhuh. Stephen youre just still jon batiste, who i met five or six years ago, but, man, you look like a kid jon man. Stephen you were so young and vital. But in that you look like you just got out of high school. Did that strike you like that . Jon definitely. Its something about the short hair, but its in my aura. A lot of stuff has changed over the last five years. Weve gone through a lot. Stephen yes, we have. laughter happy to have dope it with you. Jon absolutely. Its been a pleasure. Stephen well, jon, you mind playing us out to the next act . Jon oh, yeah, of course. Ive got my old piano right over here stephen yes, sir. Stephen thank you, jon. Jon dont you worry about a thing. Stephen folks, i spend a lot of time carefully folding the biggest stories of the day into individual drawers and shelves, rolling up every topical sock, and arranging the tshirts by color in the pristine konmar closet that is my monologue. But once in awhile, i like to drag a halfwet pile of topical underwear and towels out of the dryer, ball em up, and leave em on the floor to fester into the dank, moldy clothes pile of news that is my segment quarantinewhile stephen quarantinewhile, Johnnie Walker whisky will be sold in paper bottles next year. And you may be saying, but 80 proof booze will eat right through a paper bottle to which i say, youre not drinking it fast enough. Quarantinewhile, a torontobased company is offering new fashion forward hazmat suits for air travel. I said air twavel. I should just keep the air twavel in. I dont think the joke will be better than that. laughter a torontobased company is offering new fashion forward hazmat suits for air travel. Also a good excuse when your seatmate tries to make small talk. Im so sorry i cant hear you through the nightmare we live in. Quarantinewhile, fastfood chain taco bell announced that it will be retiring some menu items. Starting august 13 they will no longer the 7layer burrito, nachos supreme, the beefy fritos burrito triple layer nachos, and seven more. But dont worry, if you order one of these items every day starting tomorrow, you still have time to be dead before theyre gone. Also, if youre sitting next to the person who eats those items on your plane, be sure to get one of these. Quarantinewhile, Mark Zuckerberg prompted memes and jokes online after a picture of him with too much sunscreen on his face made it to social media. Okay, before we see the picture, let me just say shame on you, internet. Just because Mark Zuckerberg isnt the most likable guy, that doesnt mean he deserves to be made fun of for dear god what is that . Is he auditioning for the part of data . Shouldnt you be scaring kids from a sewer . Good for him for escaping that invisible box. Quarantinewhile, a chef has created the worlds healthiest cookie with all five daily servings of fruits and vegetables, which packs 12 grams of fiber and is designed to help people get their vital five servings of fruit and veggies a day without even realizing it. At 12 grams of fiber, i think theyre gonna realize it. Quarantinewhile, men should limit alcohol to 1 drink a day experts say. I will fight you, experts, men say. Quarantinewhile, a company now makes custom selfie masks that look like your face, by printing the lower half of your selfie on it. I would definitely keep six feet away from you. It beautifully pairs a smiling mouth with the eyes of someone not smiling, for a look that says, one of us is really gonna enjoy your murder. laughter when we come back, im going to change my shirt, cut my hair, go several months back in time, and then keeganmichael key and i are going to talk about some movies we did together that may be coming soon. Stick around. At tmobile, you dont have to choose between a Great Network and the best prices. Switch your family from at t or verizon to tmobile and you will save up to 50 off your Current Service and smart phones. 50 with unlimited talk, text and data. All on a network built with our best signals for coverage. And keep your current phones. Well pay them off up to 450 bucks each. Now get an Amazing Network for an amazing price. Only at tmobile. Killer attitude. Nevor hydration. Neutrogena® hydro boost. The 1 hyaluronic acid moisturizer delivers 2x the hydration for supple, bouncy skin. Neutrogena®. We took the fullsize bar, and cut it. In half. Sowa delious darkcolate, grab a dark chocolate nuts sea salt mini. With whole almonds and just 90 calories, its a kinder way to satisfy. It can be used on the hands, body, and face. It cleanses and moistuizes with 1 4 moisturizing cream. Leaving your skin feeling comfortable and smooth. Dove men care 3in1 bar. Stephen welcome back. We are here with the lovely and talented keeganmichael key. Keegan, youre hollywood royalty. I dont have to tell you a lot pthis year because of covid. Ed theyre not being released or theyre being pushed to video or streaming. And unfortunately, as you know, you and i did a punch of movies this year together. Oh, god yeah, i know. Stephen im not exactly sure how many. I dont even know. It could be six or seven. It was a bumper crop year for the both of us. Stephen unfortunately, none of these movies will be released. Fun of them. We have no idea when theyre coming out or if ever. Stephen even though we dont know anything about these movies or what the movies were or what the parts or plots were, i cant remember, our Graphics Department has putting to posters of these movies that may never be released now, and would you like to see what movies we were in together . I would love to see the movies we were in together. Im sure if we see the posters, it might jog our memories. Stephen that would help a bit. It definitely would help. Im glad to hear that because its time for maybe coming soon welcome to maybe coming soon . Some dogs go to heaven, others get reincarnated as a middleaged man. Thats right. I remember this. Stephen this is such a heartwarming story. Right. Because it was about the fact that the dog had been such a bully in his dog life, but then when he comes back as a man, then another overbearing man, who acted the way he did when he was a dog, it was a reversal, an attitudinal reversal. Stephen i was your dog. Yes, you were, in human form. Stephen why was your do dog i was a dog and came back a man and you recognized me, something in my eyes. And you never spoke a single word of english in the film, you barked as a man. And the fact that you could show that range of emotion when, literally, i saw the script every day. It literally would say because my name is martin, and i would have dialogue, and it would say san di, and it would say woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof. The fact that you imbued those lines of subtext was stephen thank you. You were amazing. Stephen thank you. Jim . Yeah, uhhuh. Stephen my wifes friends husband. Weve lived this one. Weve all lived this one. This is a true story and its happening now. Fate brought them together, the wives forced them to talk. Stephen the brat