Owner always at home in the same clothes. And then, like clockwork, even though i dont know how clocks work, the same terrifying sky fire. Honey, did you hear about these new geico savings . Is there no way to distract mom . Myself from this endless loop of youll get an extra 15 sky fire and sweat pants . On top of what geico could already save you. Can i call you back . Your fathers been researching our geneology. I got it were vikings theres never been a better time to save with geico. Oh, yeah, theyre definitely switch by october seventh for an extra 15 not allowed to be up on that bed. Announcer its a late show on car and motorcycle insurance. With Stephen Colbert hey, we lost the wifi password. Do you remember what that is . Tonight, curve your enthusiasm. Plus stephen welcomes ibram x. Kendi and Patton Oswalt, featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now, live on tape from a safe distance, itStephen Colbert stephen are you going to be glad when we dont do this anymore or are you going to miss it . Ill miss it. Stephen im going to miss it, too. Its been lovely. Welcome to a late show. Im Stephen Colbert. Hey, remember when the your bank can be virtually any place you are. You can deposit checks from here. Coronavirus was magically going to disappear in april . And you can see your transactions well, its june 25, and and check your balance from here. Yesterday new coessingleday to. And pay bills from here. Because your bank isnt just one place. Its virtually any place you are. Just download and use the chase mobile app. No no we cant go backwards. Visit chase. Com mobile. Its been such a long journey. Hi. Whats on your mind . In. Can you help keep these guys protected online . This is like if frodo went all the way to mount doom, was about easy. Connect to the xfi gateway. To throw the ring in, and then what about wireless data options for the family . You can customize and save. This happened destroy it what about internet speeds that can keep up with my gaming . Im getting a hair cut lets hook you up with the Fastest Internet from xfinity. Noooooo and now with our stores reopening, were putting Healthy Practices in place. Stephen that still gets me whispering come visit a store today. Ok, well lets stay positive, stop in or book an appointment online at a time that works for you. Now thats simple, easy, awesome. Maybe the u. S. Curve isnt so baa aaaa oh god ask. Shop. Discover at your local xfinity store today. Oh god how is trump not more alarmed by this . Its a ramp from hell. crashing music, cat meow these numbers are bad any way you look at them. That is, unless youre looking through the eyes of Vice President and statue of intolerance the protesters missed, mike pence. Yesterday, pence met with g. O. P. Senators concerned about the rising covid cases and he urged them to focus on encouraging signs. Stephen hey, everybody yeah, 2. 4 million infected welcome back to a late show. Americans im already in mid conversation dont look at the glass as half with your friend and mine mr. Empty. Look at your lungs as half full. Jon batiste. Jon, this is a big check and i actually have a blue card. Pence pointed out that while i rarely have a blue card when infections are rising, the im talking to you. Jon i love the blue card. Mortality rate is not, and stephen but weve got to hit younger and healthier people now this. Jon uhhuh. Account for larger shares of stephen you know the play at home series. Jon yes, of course. Those getting tested. Stephen you love the people but the young people are the at home. Ones who give it to the old brandnew performances with people thats like saying, phew im in different artists each night while were on hiatus because the clear. Were about to go on hiatus and turns out only my girlfriend has chlamydia. Now to celebrate, lets lose youre kicking it off with a this condom special artist tomorrow night. There you go. Jon yes, my friend demarco, an amazing musician. While cases in other parts of the country are rising, new a lot of music he made at home york, new jersey and connecticut in his bedroom. This is an amazing way to record are forcing anyone coming from and perform virtually. States with high infection rates to self quarantine for two he sends the files over to me weeks. But guess who doesnt care . Donald trump. And i put it together right here and send it back to him and we he plans on playing golf in bedminster, new jersey this layered it somehow with the weekend, but hes not going to magic. I dont know who was doing that self quarantine because, as a part, but its going to be white house official explained amazing to do it like this. The president of the united stephen to check it out, states is not a civilian. Ok, thats debatable. Theres a good reason we call colbertlateshow. Com or on the the chief executive mr. Late show with Stephen Colbert president , and not the burger king. Youtube channel. Jon yes. And even if hes not a civilian, stephen john, have a great break. Im pretty sure he is a mortal. Could you play us out . He can still get it and spread it. And, dozens of secret service jon oh, yeah, yeah, yeah officers and agents who were on site in tulsa last week were ordered to selfquarantine. Now to protect the president , they have to stay as far away from him as possible. Get ready for the new Clint Eastwood film in the line of virus. The obvious way to slow down infections is by wearing a mask. Stephen jon batiste, everybody. But unfortunately, putting a thanks, jon. Piece of cloth on your face has become a culture war, thanks folks, i spend a lot of time almost entirely to our president masks are a doubleedged sword. Tag of the weeks biggest people touch them. Stories, choosing the perfect and they grab them and i see it all the time. Velvet loveseat to pair with a they come in, they take the mask. Now theyre holding it now in fine jute rug or a rosegoe picn their fingers. And they drop it on the desk and then they touch their eye and hardware living room that is my they touch their nose. Monologue. No, i think a mask is a its a but once in a while, i like to doubleedged sword. Scour craigslists free and for as trump sale page, and cobble together i feel the same way about parachutes. Doubleedged sword. Sure, theyll stop you from hurtling towards the earth at enough beefaronistained chairs, cigaretteburnt endtables, and terminal velocity, but now your moldy throw pillows to furnish little backpack is full of the newlydivorced dad studio parachute. Apartment of news that is my where are you going to put your sandwich . Segment youre going to be hungry the quarantinewhile whole way down. I blame gravity. Which pulls you toward where . Stephen quarantinewhile, china. So now youre a liberal lifestyle goopru gwyneth snowflake if you dont want to paltrow is selling a new candle die. Called this smells like my and all across the country, people ac tat a teting inalm be, orgasm. And what does gwyneths orgasm smell like, you ask . Oh, you didnt ask . Well, im going to tell you amcan patriot. Anyway. Apparently, gunpowder tea, see that flag . I would die for that flag. Turkish rose, and tart the constitution that youre grapefruit. Basically her orgasm is a supposed to uphold, i would die continental breakfast. Never thought id say this for that i would die for that country gwyneth, but i miss the days when you just lodged hunks of i would die for the constitution stephen well, congratulations. Jade up there. If you dont wear a mask you quarantinewhile, because of have a good shot at it. Coronavirus, 7eleven is canceling free slurpee day, but dont worry, members of the 7 i dont wear a mask for the same reason i dont wear rewards Loyalty Program will get underwear. Things got to breathe. Stephen oh, drop the mic a coupon for a free medium slurpee. So if youre a member of the 7 and before you sit, lay down a rewards Loyalty Program. Towel. Are you ok . Im worried about you. Which reminds me, ladies, please, if your vagina is going to cough, do it into your elbow. Quarantinewhile, as america reevaluates honoring and the antimask warriors have controversial historical now taken it to truly insidious figures, thousands of people extremes. Have signed a petition to rename some are now handing out these fake mask exemption cards, that columbus, ohio to flavortown in honor of columbus native guy look sort of official. It even coopts language from fieri. And if they dont like the americans with disabilities act, saying, i am not required flavortown, might i suggest meat sweats. To disclose my condition. Adding, but in case youre quarantinewhile experts are wondering, my condition is that im a huge ahole. Calling for regulation after yet this card is being spread by a another botched art Restoration Group called the freedom to in spain, this time of a breathe agency, whose website baroque painting in which the face of the virgin mary was left says masks are just a unrecognizable. Psychological anchor for oh, come on, how bad could it suppn,nt acognitive obedience. Have bee oh, sweet mother of adding, how long before your god i think. Human farmers trick you into really hard to tell at this point. Believing that it is better you why did it go so badly . Stop breathing altogether, to stop the spread of a virus . Maybe because it was done by a furniture restorer. First of all, your human farmers dont want you to stop breathing. Thats just bad farming. Hey jimmy, i got this 17th second of all, if there were human farmers, they wouldnt make us wear masks. Century baroque painting of the theyd feed us fatty foods and virgin mary. High fructose corn syrup and i got a question that guy who stripped the varnish off your coffee table . Encourage us to stay sedentary so were wellmarbled aaaand, oh my god were being farmed he got a paint brush . That was my spanish accent. Netflix is a cookbook salt fat acid heat quarantinewhile kid rocks nashville bar has temporarily the Republican Convention isnt lost its beer permit due to until august, but trump isnt covid19 violations. Waiting to spread his message of previously, the kid rock bars spreading the virus. 1 Health Violation was goatee because we just found out yesterday that trump is headlining fourth of july hair in the salsa. Fireworks at Mount Rushmore. Kid rocks bigass honky tonk and rock roll steakhouse had so, to be safe, the guys will be its bee license yanked after social distancing. Someone posted this photo of the the danger at this event is more than just covid. Packed bar showing people being served illegally indoors and no Mount Rushmore has banned fireworks for the past decade because of concerns about public one wearing masks. Hey health, environmental and safety risks. Health, environment, and safety. Let me put this in terms you kid so everything will be fine unless youre a person, place, rock fans understand. Or thing. You jam yourselves into a bar like that and, next thing you in notcarvedoutofamountain know, bawitdabaw dabang adang statue news, recently, diggydiggydiggy said the boogy protestors have been tearing said up jump the infection down statues of people who rates. Fought the United States to preserve slavery. That statue you just saw come quarantinewhile, if youre like me, youre excited for amazons upcoming lord of the rings tv down was of confederate general adaptation. Its middle earth, amazonstyle and saruman the white supremacist, albert pike. So the hobbits do not get protesters in washington, d. C. Bathroom breaks. Ripped the pike statue down last friday, and then, for good well, if you live down under and measure, lit it on fire. To the right a bit, listen up. Aw, i bet they made smores because theyve just issued a because you know it just made new zealand casting call for, them want to pull down smore statues. Funkylooking people. Funkylooking people . I hope that means the orc army will be now be led by marshmallow, chocolate and graham slam parliament. Aw, we need the ring. Stephen heres an important thing to remember about these got to have that ring statues theyre not actual people. Turn this mordor oouuut which is why trump has empathy for them. Cast me, amazon after trump saw that statue well be right back with the topple, he personally called the author of how to be an antiracist, ibram x. Kendi interior secretary and asked for the park service to put albert pike back up. We need the ring as trump yes, i know im a republican president , and i know he was a confederate general. But do it. Good mormore treatment . Were going to try Something Different today. Also, dig up lincolns skeleton, cause i wanna take him to the theater tonight. And shoot him in the back of the hi awwww, set head. Dogs bring out the good in us. Its heritage. Pedigree® brings out the good in them. He also took to twitter very sad to see states allowing and ask your doctor about biktarvy. Roving gangs of wise guys, biktarvy is a complete, onepill, anarchists and looters, many of them having no idea what they onceaday treatment used for hiv in certain adults. Are doing, indiscriminately its not a cure, but with one small pill, ripping down our statues and biktarvy fights hiv monuments to the past. Really . To help you get to roving gangs of wise guys . And stay undetectable. Thats when the amount of virus is so low mmyeh, listen here me and my it cannot be measured by a lab test. Boys run this park, and were Research Shows people who take hiv treatment every day gonna fit ol general bobby lee here for a concrete footrest, and get to and stay undetectable if you catch my drift. Can no longer transmit hiv through sex. Oh, hes already got one. cause hes a statue . Serious side effects can occur, well, okay then. Sleep with the pigeons, bobby including kidney problems and kidney failure. Mmyeh rare, lifethreatening side effects include a buildup of lactic acid and liver problems. Do you like my dinero . Yeah. Do not take biktarvy stephen okay. Of course, trump doesnt think if you take dofetilide or rifampin. Tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, preserving statues is just about heritage. Its also about education. If you are pregnant or breastfeeding, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. It is important for us to if you have hepatitis b, understand and remember, even in turbulent and difficult times, efcts were diarrhea, nausea, and headache. Or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. If youre living with hiv, keep loving who you are. And ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you. Rom a statue, except the evolution of mens pants. How did they go to the bathroom . Look at all those buttons but the president isnt just putting the statues back up hes going after the people who toppled them. We have arrested numerous people, as you know, for what took place outside of washington but in addition, the fbi is investigating hundreds of people throughout the country for what theyve done to monuments, statues, and even buildings, so we have very strong laws already on the books. We have a law that is 10 years. Its ten years. A mobile plan that blows away those highpriced plans stephen yikes. Boost mobiles all new hrinkit plan ten years for toppling one the longer you stay, the less you pay. Confederate leader. General grants going to do some watch your bill shrink to 35 month hard time. After just 6 ontime payments. Plus get a free lg k51 but this aministrations true when you switch on our new, upgraded network. Priorities they havent made boost mobile. Any efforts to protect black people in this country, but theyre going out f their way when you switch on our new, upgraded network. Itchy . Scratchy . Family not get charmin ultra strong. To protect these monuments. It just cleans better, so your family can use less. Which brings me to tonights hello clean bottom logical conclusion. Tonights logical conclusion is enjoy the go with charmin. Brought to you by one of my writers John Thibodeaux. John, thanks for being here. I know youre really busy with they get that no two people are alike and customize your car your new baby. Go to sleep sorry, new dad reflex. Insurance so you only pay for what you need. Thanks for having me. Stephen so, if donald trump what do you think . I dont see it. Cares more about monuments than only pay for what you need. Black people, whats the logical liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Conclusion . Its easy, stephen. Black people have to apply to become National Monuments. Then any Police Officer who might attack them would immediately get arrested. Stephen and no Police Officer wants to get arrested. Have you seen how rough the cops can get . Yeah. Stephen so how does the plan work . So, according to the Antiquities Act of 1906, to be declared a National Monument, you have to be of historic or scientific interest. And id say a lot of black americans are making history right now. And as a bonus if youre a monument, you get to stephen, wouldnt you love to have a mug that says, i visited John Thibodeaux and all i got was this lousy mug. Stephen i sure would its 2,000. Stephen 2,000 . Babies are expensive. Stephen wow. Now, there are around 41 million black people in this country, so this process could take a long time, but id like to get the ball rolling. Thats why im submitting for National Monument status denzel washington. Hes a brilliant actor, director, and producer. And bonus hes never once owned a slave, unlike some other washingtons i could mention. Stephen good luck, john. Do you want me to venmo you for the mug . Cash apps in the bio. Like and follow. Stephen jon thibodeaux, everybody. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Ill be talking to the author of how to be an antiracist, ibram x. Kendi, and americas sweetheart, Patton Oswalt but when we come back, meanwhile join us, wont you . Well then chill your reeses, dessyoull eat it slower. Ast . I wouldnt know i swallow mine whole like a duck. Stephen welcome back. Not sorry. Reeses. My first guest is an historian and the bestselling author of how to be an antiracist and stamped from the beginning. Please welcome ibram x. Kendi professor kendi, thanks for being here. Oh, its a pleasure to be on the show. Stephen youre americas leading scholar on antiracism, scratch that, baby, im grateful. Gotta say, its really b