Favorite, because in our birthday cards, he would write, ivanka is my favorite. So visit audible and download mary trumps too much and never enough. When he told me to pull his finger, he farted and blamed obama. Its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight trump of trumps cop out. Plus, stephen welcomes hasan minhaj and musical guest jason isbell the 400 unit. Featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now, live on tape from a safe distance, its Stephen Colbert what . Stephen nothing nothing i was just collecting myself. Youre not doing youre perfect in every way. Yeah, uhhuh. laughter stephen welcome, welcome, friends, to a late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Protests continue all overfo now there have been a lot of unlikely people joining the fight, and today we got the least liked of all donald trump. Because this afternoon, donald trump signed an executive order on police reform. Now, before you get excited, dont. It doesnt do much. It does propose a National Database of police misconduct. So, hes compiling an excel spreadsheet of all the worst cops in america. Not sure what hes going to do with it. as trump lets see, i need someone to curbstomp some protesters. Oh, hes got big boots. Trumps order will also urge social workers and mental healt. Doesnt say how closely theyll be working together . Because that might get weird. Okay, you just teargassed a group of unarmed civilians. Is that because you never felt accepted by your mother . Okay, im aware of the time. Lets take this up at next weeks pepper spraying. Trumps plan also promises federal grant money to encourage local departments to bolster training and certification. Im pretty sure the chant is, defund the police. If you give them more funding, theyre just going to spend it on a tank called the de escalator 4,000. Now before the signing, trump met with the families of Police Shooting victims and made them a solemn oath, which he apparently to forgot immediately i gave a commitment to all of those families today with senator tim scott, attorney general bill barr. We are going to pursue. What we said we will be pursuing it, and we will be pursuing it strongly. Stephen as trump as god as my witness, i promise to pursue the thingamajig that we said with the. Folks for the whatchacallit and those people and whatshername and, the point is, black lives eow meowmeow. Now, this event was supposedly about police reform, but trump made it clear that he doesnt think its that necessary. Nobody needs a strong, Trustworthy Police force more than those who live in distressed areas. And nobody is more opposed to the small number of bad Police Officers and you have them. They are very tiny. I use the word tiny. Stephen as trump tiny, bad cops. Little little lego baddies. Still, the danger is, if you step on them in the middle of the night, youre in for a world of pain. Though, it does give me an idea for a new show. Coming this fall on cbs, good cop, tiny cop. You have the right to remain adorable. Then trump announced his decisively conditional action chokeholds will be banned except if an officers life is at risk. Stephen thats a loophole big enough to drive a squad car through. All right, all right, everybody. After multiple incidents, hungry tigers will now be banned from this elementary school, unless the tiger finds the children particularly delicious. Class dismissed. Then, right before he signed the executive order, he closed by making it creepy. We must cherish the principles of americas founding as we strive to deliver safe, beautiful, elegant justice, and liberty for all. Stephen also this fall on cbs, elegant justice. Sundays after good cop, tiny cop. There is some Actual Police reform going on out there. In new york, roughly 600 plainclothes officers have been reassigned to new roles effective immediately. The reassigned officers were part of a special unit in the n. Y. P. D. Known as the anti crime unit. Um, arent all Police Officers the anticrime unit . Because if theres a procrime unit, they really ought to reassign those guys, too. This is important the anti crime unit was responsible for a disproportionate number of civilian complaints and fatal shootings. They make up 2 of the departments uniformed force, but they have been involved in 31 of incidents. Thats not a few bad apples. Thats an orchard of destruction, which is also the name of my speed metal band that only performs at fall festivals. Okay, quick programming note it has only been a second since that fullframe graphic went up, but its been a half an hour since i said those last words you heard, because we took a break to write about news that just broke concerning a new book coming out by former National Security adviser john bolton, seen here pointing to his only friend. Bolton has written an explosive book about his time in the white thats clearly a reference to the musical hamilton, which i assume means the book includes boltons freestyle rap about hawkish foreign policy. My names johnny b. And im here to say lets nuke cuba and paraguay well turn tehran into a pile of ash and if you dont like it you can kiss my stash wicka wicka wicka wicka wicka wicka now, this isnt the first damning whitehouse tellall written by a former white house staffer way too late for it to make any difference. There was unhinged, fire and fury, team of vipers, furious snake fire, bucket of tapeworms, and hat full o rats. But this new bolton book must be extra spicy, because trump is expected to attempt to block its publication. Thats a crazy strategy telling people they cant have something just maes them want it more thats why the disney vault exists. I mean, i dont give a damn theristocs on bluray ing and heres why we took a break this part right here. During the taping of this monologue, the department of justice filed a breachof contract suit against ex National Security adviser john bolton. Now, let me explain what that means. No one knows what that means, because whats breach of contract with the government . You can arrest somebody for spreading state secrets, but breach of contract . Breach of contract is you sue your plumber because he never finished installing your new septic tank, which trumps really going to need because this lawsuit is a huge pile of crap. Heres apparently whats happening unlike every other disclosure agreements, and the lawsuit charges that bolton has breached his legal obligations embodied in his n. D. A. S. Now, weve all heard about trumps n. D. A. S. Stormy daniels had one, and she got out of it. So trump should just cut bolton a check for 130,000, because now bolton is going to spank him with his book, which i think technically makes bolton a porn star look forward to big johnny walrus in the room where its slappin. as trump oh, johnny walrus, i dont know how im going to pay for this dirt on joe biden, so i need you to do us a favor though. The real point of this lawsuit is to bury this book so no one ever says its name again, a name which appears in the lawsuit 22 times. Now, the lawsuit requests that a trust be set up for the benefit of the United States, and takes in anything bolton earns from selling the book. For the benefit of the United States . That means its your patriotic duty to buy more copies of the book. Oh, youre a sly one, mr. President. Sly means stupid, right . Okay. And its not just the book. The lawsuit specifies including movie rights. Ooh, a movie. Whos gonna play bolton . Ryan reynolds . Ryan gosling . Capn crunch . No, i have it wilford brimley. I dont want to be involved in whatever drug deal mulvaney is cooking up. Its the wrong thing to do and the wrong way to do it. Ive got enough trouble with my diabetes. And scene. Now, the book is slated to be released next week, which the white house clearly did not realize, as they indicated yesterday could the attorney general tell us what the d. O. J. Is doing, in terms of the bolton book . Well, there are a number of things, but the thing that is front and center right now is trying to get him to complete the process, go through the process and make the necessary deletions of classified information. But but the book has been published. No, it hasnt. Yes, its been published. Its just not released yet. Its being printed. Its being printed. Hasnt been released. According to sources it is being printed. It hasnt been released. Stephen hey, attorney general doofus, according to sources, i got this last friday oooh secret book secret book ooh, hot, hot, hot, hot burning my hands with all the hot, hot secret juice now, its under embargo, which means ive received it b hi about whats inside of it until next tuesday, when john bolton is on my show, unless you clap him in leg irons, and then send black ops to halojump into my locale, penetrate the perimeter of my nightstand and remove the classified document ive been resting my iced tea on. Full disclosure i have not read it yet because it looks really long, and it has no sympathetic characters. But lets just take a sneak peek ooh thrego. So thats how the turkey earned his pardon pence tried skim milk . Does mother know . And whats this . Oh, yeah, the centerfold so the mustache does match the carpet. Now, we havent thought about john bolton lately because of all the protests and the, uh, plague. Remember that . Last week thank you, citizen. Last week, the daily number of new coronavirus cases went up in 22 states, but thats not going to stop trump from holding a rally this saturday in tulsa, oklahoma, no matter how many people want him to stop. In an editorial yesterday, tulsas largest newspaper, the tulsa world, opined, this is the wrong time and tulsa is the wrong place for the trump rally. But you know what they say, two wrongs make a rally full of whites. The paper explained, the city and state have authorized reopening, but that doesnt make a mass indoor gathering of people pressed closely together and cheering a good idea. Yes, its not. Otherwise, i would still be doing it in the ed sullivan theater i have forgotten what laughter sounds like, and it is killing me, but not as fast as having an audience would kill them. Thats why im sitting in my study, shouting jokes into the draperies. Even the blondehaired guy who is steve doocy questioned this idea to mike pence this morning why dont you do some of the stuff outside . We just had dr. Oz on about a half an hour ago, and he said when youre in an enclosed place with a lot of people yelling and you do hope theres a lot of yelling and cheering at the rally in a couple of days you have the aerosol, and that stays in the air for hours. So just in the interest of public safety, maybe you do it outside going forward. Well, steve, you know, you raise a good point. And what i can tell you is its all a work in progress. Stephen that is not reassuring. Its like youre about to have unprotected sex and you say to your partner, wait, dont you have chlamydia . And they say, well, darling, you raise a good point, and what i can tell you is its all a work in progress. Now, the Trump Campaign says that Hand Sanitizer and face masks will be offered to all attendees, though not necessarily required. Then theyre not going o wear them, just like trump doesnt wear them, which puts trump in danger, too. The president of the United States is going to be exposed to the aerosolized spittle of 19,000 people. Honest to god, how does the secret service allow him to do that . Look, i never thought id say this, but, sir, please, build the wall. The campaign apparently has no social distancing plans. People will likely be packed shoulder to shoulder, which is a concept the president has endorsed, saying it loses a lot of flavor to have his devoted fans spread out. as trump and you gotta keep in the flavor because supporters like veal. I like em packed in tight, unable to move, or else the muscles get all stringy. And before anyone accuses me of be do not consider other people human. We have got a great show for you tonight. Ill be talking to comedian hasan minhaj. But when we come back, meanwhile remember meanwhile . Stick around. Stephen hey, everybody, welcome back. That sound you hear, that beautiful sound you hear, is our friend job batiste. Hey, jon. Jon hello. Whats going on, stephen . Stephen how are you doing today . Jon im using music as a coping mechanism. Stephen oh, i need it too. I couldnt sleep last night at all. Jon oh wow, yeah, you got a lot on your mind, too . Stephen yeah, yeah, we all. And the thing is i got up normally i listen to a podcast or something to go to sleep. Jon right. Stephen but i woke up before the podcasts get posted so i started listening to them from last week, so i was getting anxious about news that i already learned five days ago. It was a bad a bad loop to be in. Jon oh, no, yeah, the news now, i wouldnt want to repeat any of it. Its really something that i think is good to have a song in your heart. Ive been keeping that song i was playing, just trying to keep songs in my heart. I dont know if its about singing them even, just having them in the rotation, you know. Stephen would you would you mind playing a little bit of the song thats in your heart right now . Jon oh, yeah, of course. Stephen thank you. Stephen jon batiste, everybody. Its in there. Its in there. Jon yes, indeed. Stephen thank you, jon. You know, i spend a lot of time hewing the biggest slabs of news marble out of Current Events mountain, assembling them according to detailed architectural plans, carving intricate barreliefs into the walls, and ornamenting it all with a lapidary of precious gemstones to create for you the taj mahal that is my monolog but sometimes, sometimes i like to drag some corrugated tin slats into the woods, clamp em together with bungie cords, toss a torn boat sail over it, then hunker down to scribble a joke manifesto in the demented loner cabin of news that is my segment quarantinewhile stephquarantinewdarth vadeh village. And the campaigns objective is to tell off residents who still go outdoors without the proper quarantine passes needed and also those who do not wear face masks. And vader is particularly harsh on those who dont wash their hands nooooo stephen as vader i find your lack of hygiene disturbing. A little more bane than it was vader, i will admit that. A little more bane than vader. Quarantinewhile, after more than two months of lockdowns for coronavirus, there are hopeful signs that we may be emerging from our Long National nightmare, because costco has announced their free samples will return this month. Finally finally to eating a tiny square of cheese off a big tray of tiny squares of cheese and Room TemperatureTurkey Sausage that has been sitting out for hours. Nature is healing. That one hit home. Yeah. Stephen quarantinewhile, pages of his previously unpublished notes show that isaac newton proposed curing plague with toad vomit, using blended powdered toad with toad vomit to form lozenges, to which 17th century england said, ill stick with the plague. Quarantinewhile, a brewery is offering 20,000 for someone to hike the entire appalachian trail while drinking beer. The Devils BackboneBrewing Company is hiring a chief hiking officer, who will trek the entire 2,200mile trail from georgia to maine, consuming and sharing plenty of brews along the way. Alternately, theyll give you a canoe, and you can row to maine on a river of your own urine. Quarantinewhile, a recently published scientific paper asks an important question did bevoe toa punch to the jaw . When my kid asks for hot wheels, he expects hot wheels, old man. The article was published in the scientific journal integrative organismal biology, easily in my top three favorite journals of organismal biology. It was previously argued that beards evolved as ornamentation to attract a mate. But this new research argues that hairs in a beard would collectively diffuse the force of a blow and so may have evolved in response to the need to win malemale battles. Checks out. Leave it to men to spend thousands of years evolving shock absorbers for your face instead of just being less of a dick. Quarantinewhimiowave hack to prevent sogginess, saying add a halffull cup of water to the microwave with your pizza and heat for around 30 seconds. And for optimum flavor, leave the dominos in the microwave and order pizza from anywhere else. Well be right back with comedian hasan minhaj. Find great savings during kohls Super Saturday. Friends family take an extra 20 off. Save on mens and womens denim adidas footwear just 44. 99 and under and get up to 60 off bath bedding. Plus get kohls cash plus, limitedcontact store drive up. Its Super Saturday at kohls. Tonight, try pure zzzs all night. Unlike other sleep aids, our extended release melatonin helps you sleep longer. And longer. Zzzquil pure zzzs all night. Fall asleep. Stay asleep. Ooh, im blinded by the lights vo verizon knows how to build unlimited right. Start with americas most awarded network. Offer it at a price built for everyone with the most advanced iphone yet. Iphone 11 pro on us when you buy one. Because everyone deserves the best. This is unlimited built right. And ask your doctor about biktarvy. Biktarvy is a complete, onepill, onceaday treatment used for hiv in certain adults. Its not a cure, but with one small pill, biktarvy fights hiv to help you get to and stay undetectable. Thats when the amount of virus is so low it cannot be measured by a lab test. Research shows people who take hiv treatment every day and get to and stay undetectable can no longer transmit hiv through sex. Serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems and kidney failure. Rare, lifethreatening side effects include a buildup of lactic acid and liver problems. Do not take biktarvy if you are pregnant or breastfeeding, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. If you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking biktarvy without talking to your doctor. Common side effects were diarrhea, nausea, and headache. If youre living with hiv, keep loving who you are. And ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you. Theyre going to be paying for this for a long time. They will, but with accident forgiveness allstate wont raise your rates just because of an accident, even if its your fault. Cut sonny. Was that good . Line the desert never lies. Isnt that what i said . No you were talking about allstate and insurance. I just. When i. Lets try again. Everybody back to one. Accident forgiveness from allstate. Click or call for a quote today. Stephen welcome back, eve