Emporium is in business am we have all types of irresponsible irrigation. Rest assured these showerheads are so powerful, theyre the type a talking ape would use to hose down a human if apes controlled the world. It could happen. So order a showerhead from ted bedebt today where our mot el is always dont point directly into face. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcome from the circus alex wagner and Mark Mckinnon and musical guest baby rose featuring john batiste and staim homan and now from the ed sullivan theater, it is Stephen Colbert stephen well, welling well. Welcome to a late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. Ladies and gentlemen, i hope you are sitting. And i hope this afternoon when your world was rocked, you werent knocked down because there was a huge bombshell in washington today from former trump fixer and man whose facial is socially distancing from his skull, Michael Cohen. Out of know where cohen released his new tell all book disloyal, it was a complete surprise like when beyonce drops a new album. But not like that in anyway. Cohen describes his tellall this way. This is the book the president of the United States is does in the want you to read. So any book . Some of the stuff is a little strange like how cohen describes the anticipation of when he testified before congress. It felt Something Like when i was in the hospital awaiting the birth of my daughter and son. Daddy, were you happy when i was born . It felt like i was about to face the harsh consequences of ef reef mistake i had ever made in my life. Who wants ice cream . But even the forward of this book is loaded with juicy and i mean juicy details of things we already kind of knew. For instance cohen describes himself as an active and eager participate in everything trump did from tax fraud to deals with corrupt officials from the former soviet unit, even golden showers, in a sex club this vegas. Thats right. He talks about the golden showers. Mr. President , youre in trouble and you know, im sure that makes you pissed. But cohen was your number one. He used to be your wiz kid, now hes leaking everywhere. You might call it yellow journalism but all you can do, little piggy, is go weeweewee all the way home. I miss the im sure donald trump would rather talk about his love life in the splash diswhroan than how badly he has shanked the shanked the global pandemic. Yesterday the u. S. Reported the highest number of covid19 deaths in a single day since midday. When trump said it would just disappear, i didnt realize it was hope, but in the face of this resurging virus the president has his eye on the ball. This morning he tweeted about the statistics that we have all been so concerned about, very poor morning tv ratings for msdncs morning joe headed by a complete psych owe named Joe Scarborough and his ditzy air head wife mika. And also cnn headed by complete unknowns. Congratulations to fox friends on dominating the morning. Thank you president trump. That is leadership. I will look forward to his next coronavirus briefing. Good afternoon, today we god numbers as you can see Jeannine Pirro is defeating a demo and Tucker Carlton got a selflubricating gold coins, what is in your catheter. Also also the saddest part of that tweet the fact that he ends it with thank you president trump. Hes so isolated, now he is just talking to himself. Thank you president trump, no problem, buddy. Hey, are you going to eat that last piece of bacon. You know it. God im so hungry. I will fight you for it. You wont loose. Now a cup of coffee after that. That death toll, remember the one that he didnt talk about . It may seem high, yesterday his Coronavirus Press briefing trump was surprised. 99. 995 of all fatilities are adults. Think of it, 99. 95, that is extremely close to 100 percent of all fatilities are adults. Tz yes, most fatilities are adults because he really facked this thing up t is all very targic and im deeply deproosed. But trump said most of the Coronavirus Press briefing laser focused on the pandemic threatening america mailin voting. You look at what happened in virginia where they have 500,000 applications sent out at random to people that have no idea what happened. And they admitted they made a mistake. And then many were sent to dead people, a number were sent, i guess two at least, two, three, four, were sent to dogs, one was sent to a cat tz okay, that is shocking. And entirely not true. The state of virginia, in fact, did not send any pets mailin ballots which is too bad because it would be a great plot for the new disney movie doggone voter fraud their crimes are apawling. Trump dispieces mailin voaght and just regular voting too because he is way behind in the polls and he knows that due to pandemic tens of millions of us will have to vote by mail. So for three years sent everything from International Relationship to ethical norms to the department of justice, trump is coming after something people actually care about. He is destroying the post office. Okay, now hes just a villain in a childrens book. Next hes going to ban roller skating and build alation tore blow up halloween. But merlyn has to stop him. Even for him, this is a bold move. Even the postal after is the most popular Government Agency in the country, with a 91 favor ability rating. 91 . That is the kind of popularity enjoyed only by chickenfried orgasms. Oh. You got to get buttermilk, put it in buttermilk first. Dont do this, dont do this, dont say dont talk any further. I might stop. Being able to send mail is a fundamental function of any working society. For pete sake they had Reliable Postal Service in ancient egypt that is pharaoh meantuhotep ii getting a val of pack for a free car pack carpet steaming. Trump inyou stalled a new post master general, one his big donor forth carolina business guy and man looking on as you take a bite of the dip he brought. Louis dewhich or as trump referred to him at a press conference. The man a great person, great businessman, just got there a little while ago. Tz hes a great man, woman, person, camera, post office. Since the great man person took over recently, hes made drastic cut, banned overtime, deactivated sorting machines and he halted late mail delivery resulting in days long back log and of Distribution Centers are rung behind, instead of getting all the mail delivered they will keep the mail for the next day. But right there in their motto neither snow nor rain nor bloom of night save these curiouser riers nltses their new boss is a total diq in which case we are screwed then late friday dejoy made a few more de changes. He reassigned post office oachtions in a move to centralize his control of the agency according to a new organizational chart. And i believe we have a copy of dejoys new org chart, there you go. Dejoy may have personal reasons to kill the post office as well because the government review of the finances of dejoy and wife reveal the cohuple holds include 30 to 75 million in assets in Postal Service competitors or contractors. The guy heading the post office would make millions from its destruction. Thats like replacing the Surgeon General with joe camel. Warning smoking may make pregnancy look cool. Now unless you still have any doubt about what is up here, the president of the American Postal Workers Union revealed on monday that in june the office of the budget for the white house put out in writing a proposal to privatize ie break up the Postal Service and sell it to private corporations. Theyre going to break up the post office. But i just bought all of these forever stamps. You lied to me cease sonnal orchids. Yeah, i know the name of an orchid. Trump and dejoy claim all these cuts are because post office is losing money but thats a lie. The president revealed his true motivation yesterday at a press briefing. You see the democrats want to include 25 billion in the latest stimulus bill to guarantee that voters will be able to mail in their ballots this november but trump said he wasnt going to sign that. They want 25 billion for the post office. They want 2. 5 3. 5 billion for universal mailin, 3. 5 billion, and those are not going to happen, they are not going to get this 25 billion therefore they cant do the universal mailin vote. Very simple. How are they going to do it if they dont have the money to do it. Stephen you are not supposed to say the cheating part out loud, honey, have i to work late tonight. I have a very important sex project and were meet being it in someone elses crotch. Okay. Bye. Trump called in to fox Business Today and put the democrats funding request into perspective. How would you like to have three and a half billion dollars, billion for mailin voting, billion, so if you didnt have it, you know how much money that is, nobody has any idea. Stephen actually, have i some idea how much 3. 5 billion dollars is, 3 and a half billion dollars. The point is we cant let trump get away with undermining our democracy by destroying a basic function of government. Establishing post offices is in the constitution. Congress needs to stand firm and protect the United StatesPostal Service with the same fer vor the right uses to defend guns, what i am saying is you can have my sisterinlaws christmas newsletter when you pry it from my cold dead hands. This is actually last years. You can have it. Next week is the Democratic National convention and this year will be unlike any other because due to coronavirus most events are expected to take place online. Thats right. Take off your trowsers and fire up your browser because its going to be the thrilla on mozilla, the thunderdome on chrome, the Democratic Party on safari. Lets get ready to buffer okay. We know some of the big secrets already. You got your warrens, you got your bernies, you got your obama, then your upand comers like new york congresswoman alexandria ocasiocortez seen here igniting Louis Gohmerts scalp with her eyes. Aoc is the most dime you can raising star on the in the Democratic Party which is why she is only getting 60 seconds to speak at the convention. Oh come on, democrats. This is lick when they told us cher would be in mama mia here we go again and then she was only in the bls five minutes. We were robbed of cher what i am saying is i demand to see aoc sing dancing queen. This isnt the first time an important speaker has been cut short at a convention. We all letter this piece from th 2016dnc. When they go low cheers and applause . Stephen they do go low. Now the decision to short change aoc has flooded the Democratic Party with complaints that Party Leadership is out of touch with yung voters. Well, i would hope the Party Leadership sowt of touch. Their average age is 75. Touching anyone is very dangerous right now. Speaking of aoc, trump was, specifically complaining about her bill. The new green deal is something that the likes of which nobody could even comprehend. Its like drawn by children. Its drawn by children. Stephen first of all, that is not true. Second is he saying it is impossible to comprehend childrens drawings . Eric, what the hell is this, sons dont have a face, dumby and what is this scribble, i love you daddy . I dont get it. Whos daddy . Trump couldnt bring up the Green New Deal without going after ocasiocortez himself. He is going to give not tax increases, massive tax increases to pay for aocs plan. Aoc was a poor student, i mean, i wont say where she went to school, it doesnt matter. Stephen aoc immediately clapped back tweeting lets mawk a deal, mr. President. You release your college transcript, i will release mine and we will see who was the better student. Loser has to fund the post office. Oh bap bap that is a good burn. Come on dnc. At least let her sing take a chance on me. Talk a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance on aoc. Weve got a great show for you tonight. My guests are from showtimes the circus Mark Mckinnon and alex wagner but when we return, meanwhile. Stick around. Take a chance, take a chance, take a chance. Enjoy the go with charmin. dad vo life doesnt give you many secobut a subaru can. dad you guys ok . vo eyesight with precollision braking. Standard on the subaru ascent. The threerow subaru ascent. Love. Its what makes a subaru, a subaru. Get 0 apr financing for 63 months on select models during the subaru a lot to love event. It can be used on the hands, body, and face. It cleanses and moistuizes with 1 4 moisturizing cream. Leaving your skin feeling comfortable and smooth. Dove men care 3in1 bar. Hey allergy muddlers. Achoo . Do your sneezes turn heads . Try zyrtec. It starts working hard at hour one. 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An extra 15 credit on car and motorcycle policies . Thats great thats 15 on top of what geico could already save you. So what are you waiting for . John stamos to knit you a scarf . All finished, jean. Enjoy thank you. I give. The stitch work is impeccable. Its just a double fleck pattern with a reverse garter stitch. No big deal. Is your hair this soft . Softer. Geico. Save an extra 15 when you switch by october 7th. Stephen hey, everybody. Welcome back to the late show, im still Stephen Colbert, lets check in with jon batiste, hello, jon, how are you. Jon hello, im good, and im think being how much i love our postal workers. Stephen i love our postal workers too. I really love the people that come to my door. But i understand you have a deeper connection to the post office than i do, tell me about it. Jon well, my grandfather, he marched and organized for the right for postal workers in the 60s in the louisiana, he was the president of the union. And there are a lot of people who fought for our postal workers to do the great job they are doing. So we cannot. Stephen as i was saying before strks a basic function of our society, it is a strange thing to try to undermine, i know it is for his own personal, you know, he thinks it will proflt him. Right. Stephen because of the election, the mailin voting but it is a terrible thing to kick out from underneath your own government. Jon yeah, these systems are what are the backbone of our society. You cant change it, that is not the right vibe. Stephen jon, do you have any mailbased song you can kick us out with. Jon oh pie goodness. Lets see. Stephen jon batiste, everybody. Thank you, jon. Jon they take the train too, they take the mail on the train. Stephen on the, train, i was thinking please mr. Postman. Jon oh yeah, that say good one too. Stephen you know, i spent a lot of time carefully tending to the vineyard of the news and fermenting the finest stories in the hand crafted oak casks of topicality to create the finally ached cognac that is my monologue but once in a mile while i rummage through the ugliest produce in the aisle, to produce the briny news pickles that are my segment. Quarantinewhile. Quarantinewhile, apparently covid19 lockdowns have lead to a huge spike in sex dolls, many are sold to mried couples which either means they want to spice up their love life or people in quarantine are desperate to have a third person for game night. Quarantinewhile, birds and reptiles cry similar tears to humans according to new research. Obviously this new research owes a huge debt to the previous groundbreaking work of whoever analyzed what it sounds like when doves cry. Researchers collected samples of healthy animal tears from seven species of birds and reptiles. The tears were extracted from the animals in a complex, humane scientific process known as showing them the final feed from the notebook. Quarantinewhile. The United States space force sent out a tweet yesterday that aimed to be inspiring and was more confusing. Can you imagine your loved one coming down from the attic with your medals, achieve. S and honors asking about the time you shaped the strategic environment. How would you even begin to explain that. By being part of the shaping. Wow t did not take long for space force to be taken over by aliens. Fellow humans, please join us other humans who seek and write as normal when we engage in the shapenning. There is nothing to fear, you shall be shaped. Quarantinewhile toy maker fischerprice just released a toy set called, and this is how it is listed. The fischer price laugh and learn smart learning home, my home office. Adorable. Kids want to imitate and learning smart their home parents so they can my office lab laptop trademark. Including a smart fon and headset, to go coffee cup and plastic red laptop with stick on apps that picture a kal enender bar graph and chart and a kitty wearing glasses. What job do parents have that involves a zoom chat with a kitty wearing glasses. Listen here, whiskers, if i dont have those q4 numbers by end of day you can throw that promotion in the litter box. I want that report and i want it meow. New yorkers who missed the bar scene are learning to love the y