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And now, live from the ed sullivan Theater Office building in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey, everybody. Welcome to a late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Thanks for staying up for our special live late show following the Republican National convention. Every night has had a theme. First night was land of promise. Then was land of opportunity. I assume tonight is land of the lost. Lets get right to what were calling. This american carnage. Be best. Im mike pence. Good luck. Let them prove somebody wasguil. Snap. Snap magic snap its not working, dad stephen now, full disclosure, i did not watch much of the convention tonight. And fullest disclosure, i did not watch any of it. Because right now in america, were facing a Global Pandemic that has killed 180,000 americans, heavily armed rambo wannabes are murdering people in our streets. The strongest hurricane in the history of the gulf coast is making landfall as i speak. And the r. N. C. s message is, whos up for four more years . Huh . I not wg r. N. C. , i dnt do my job i ant to s, i feel great why should we Pay Attention to what theyre saying if none of what theyre saying tonight is about whats happening in america right now . Why should we watch their reality show if it doesnt reflect our reality . Why subject ourselves to their lies that stick to your soul like hot tar . Lies like donald trump cares whether you live or die. You see, this week, the c. D. C. Completely reversed their testing guidelines to say people without symptoms may not need to be tested, even if theyve been in close contact with someone known to have the virus. That is surprising. Because we have been repeatedly warned that 40 of infections are asymptomatic. And 50 of transmissions occur before the symptoms. Ignoring something doesnt make it go away. If it did, why are there still valpak coupons . Who on earth thinks not testing is a good idea . If we did half the testing, we would have half the case s. Stephen of course, its always the only person you suspect. And, oopsacadaver, we found out this after that the c. D. C. Was pressured to change guidance on coronavirus testing by higherups within the trump administration. So weve reached the point where donald trump is dictating our health regulations. Thats why the new suggested serving for chicken is bucket. Hey c. D. C. this is our lives either grow a pair and stand up to this clown, or at least be honest and change the hippocratic oath to, first do no harm, unless it makes the president look bad. In that case, bag em and tag cewe achon overnas always been l die in front of our eyes. We are one news cycle away from the c. D. C. Warning that mailin ballots give you chlamidia. Witness intimidation, crippling the post office, and illegally using the white house, the peoples house for partisan campaigning, like his meeting with former hostages, the pardon of jond ponder, the first ladys Convention Speech in the rose garden and holding a campaign ad naturalization ceremony for five new citizens. Saleh abduhd has been looking forward to this day since he arrived from ghana in 2015. He speaks five languages. Stephen lets not forget once sully landed that plane on the hudson. Minute i saw that, i thought, that guys in. Federal employees pushing politics in their official duties violates a law called the hatch act. Even if you come up with some torturous rationalization like one white house official claimed there was no violation of law because the video was available to the public earlier in the day, and the campaign decided to use publicly available content for campaign purposes. Thats like a husband saying it doesnt count as cheating if its with my ex. That was just an encore presentation of sex i had before we were married. Plus, i decided to make the video publicly available. Its pretty nice. I waxed. Now, that seems pretty cynical, unless you hear white house chief of staff mark meadows drop the neutron cynic bomb. Nobody outside of the beltway really cares. Listen, this is a lot of hoopla being made about things, mainly because the convention has been so unbelievably successful. Stephen hes right aut th dbeen essful. But heres theis aaw, whether we about it or not doesnt matter. Whats important is that it exists. A lot of people outside car mechanics dont care what brake fluid is, but youll miss it when its gone. Brake fluid . Thats a lot of hooplaaaaah scene. People outside the beltway should care about every law the president is breaking. And i think they actually do. Its just that its hard to keep track at this point. Youre drinking from a fire hose of scandal, but america, if you catch yourself getting too numb to all of this, the late show has a prescription for you. Are you b nterested in thiat used to seem important, like the president using 11ers the power to ensure his reelection . Ask your doctor about not normal zoll. Not normal zoll is a prescriptionstrength slap to the face that will leave you renewed and reminded that crimes has also been effective in treason being no biggie. Heres how it works, not normal zoll contains fastacting slappazinn, which penetrates the outrage cortex. Side effects of not normal zoll may include bruising and not shutting up about the postmaster general saying hes optimizing the Postal Service. Is that what stealing mailboxes and stacking them like cordwood means . How stupid do you think i am . Whats happened to my country . I cant take this anymore ah ask your doctor if not norma i and ask who he voted for. Warning, not norma zoll should always be taken with alcohol. Stephen heres another reason im not watching the convention. Im a tv professional and its terribly produced. I know whats going to happen, because they revealed the monster on the first night, and its thim, a multiheaded spineless creature that lives on your fear. Trump was elected to protect our families from the vengeful mob that seeks to destroy our way of life, our neighborhoods, schools, churches, and values. Stephenvalues. Look at whats happening in american cities, cities all run by democrats, crime, violence, and mob rule. You may have seen us defending our home as a mob of protesters descended on our neighborhood. What you saw happen to us could just as easily happen to any of you who are watching from quiet neighborhoods around our country. Theyll disarm you, empty the prisons, lock you in your home, and invite ms13 to live next door. Human sacrifice, dogs and cats, living together, mass hysteria. Stephen who you gonna call . Not the police in this case. Now, i know fear is a motivator. They are desperate to turn out the fearful. But stoking fear is a dangerous game. Last night, there was yet another tragedy in kenosha, wisconsin. All this week, there have been demonstrations protesting the shooting of jacob blake by police on sunday. Theres been fireworks. Theres been tear gas. Theres been fires. But yesterday, violence escalated when two people were killed and one injured after a vigilante fired multiple rounds into a crowd of protesters. So much for a wellregulated militia. Cell phone video shows the killer with a semiautomatic rifle opening fire on a group of people. The man with the gun is then seen walking with his hands up toward responding Police Officers who drive past him. He had his hands up, and the police told him to get out of their, even though everyone was yelling that he was the shooter. Evidently, the Kenosha Police motto is to observe and neglect. Well, today, Illinois Police arrested the suspected shooter, and he has now been charge and identified as a 17yearold illinois resident. And we dont know a lot more than, that other than two things this person thought they were a member of the militia. And they thought there was such a thing as a militia. There isnt. Theres cops who can legally carry guns and arrest you. And then there are yahoos who can get strapped with an ar15 by buy some cameo from an Army Surplus Store and role play the fear fantasy that has been fed to them every night of the last four years. And ill give you one guest which of these conventions those yahoos are watching. Its the one making a hero out of tweedle dee and twiedle gun. Assuming it was on tobtet. Again i did not watch. Everyone who thinks the black lives matter protests are not necessary, or defunding or fundamentally restructuring the police is not necessary. Consider this the Kenosha Police seemed cozy with this militia league. A Group Calling themselves the kenosha guard organized a Facebook Event encouraging armed civilians to take to the streets. The group put up this Facebook Post addressed to kenoshas police chief. As you know i am the commander of the kenosha guard, a militia. We are organizing and have about 3,000 r. S. V. P. S. I ask that you do not have your officers tell us to go home under threat of arrest as you have in the past. We are willing to talk to k. P. D. , and open a discussion. It is evident no matter how many officers, deputies, and other Law Enforcement officers that there are you will still be outnumbered. What a polite request to break the law. Dear sir or madam, i am writing to inform you i have a 7 00 appointment to poop in the town fountain. I have over 3,000 r. S. V. P. S. Please do not arrest me as i prefer not to go to jail. So, did the Kenosha Police tell the heavily armed yahoos to buzz off under threat of arrest like they usually do . Ill give you a hint. It rhymes with no. They offered them refreshments. Do you need water . We need water. Well throw you one. We appreciate you guys. We really do. Thank you thank you stephen thats right. They thanked seal team sucks, and gave them water. I believe the brand was 1939 poland spring. When asked about the incident, the Kenosha Police chief says protesters wouldnt have been shot by armed teen if they werent illegally out past curfew. That is insane. Justifying murder because its past curfew has a name. Its called the purge. But it looks like this crime will not be ignored in the courts. Or at least on them, because earlier today, to protest what has te five of the n. B. A. Playoff series. Well, somebody had to show some leadership. And the bucks stopped here. This was a real shock. If you tuned in to watch the game you just saw an empty court with a few referees on it. And keep in mind, this is a playoff game. It could be the pinnacle of many of these athletes years. Is there a most valuable not player award . Because theres some competition today. The bucks were soon followed by the rest of the league, and now all of todays n. B. A. Games have been postponed. And it wasnt just the players taking a stand. On inside the n. B. A. This happened i think the biggest thing now is to kind of, as a black man, as a former player, i think its best for me to support the players and just not be here tonight. And figure out what happens after that. Stephen wow. That is a mic drop. Or at least a gently unclipped and respectfully set down on the desk in a stunning display of solidarity. Ive never seen that before. I think kenny smith just took a knee while making a slam dunk. Perhaps the most poignant commentary came from l. A. Clippers coach doc rivers last night. Theyre spewing this fear, right, all you heard is donald trump and all of them talking about fear. Were the ones getting killed. Were the ones getting shot. Were the ones that were dineed to live in certain communities. Weve been hung. Weve been shot. And. All you do is keep hearing of fear. Its. Its amazing. Why we keep loving this country and this country does not love us back. Stephen that is why voting in november is so important. Because donald trump does not care if you live or die of covid or of racism as long as he wins. And until we, the people, change this administration, we will continue to get more leadership from the n. B. A. Than the r. N. C. Speaking of leadership, we have a great show for you tonight. The speaker of the house is here. Well be right back with speaker nancy pelosi. Stick around. Motorcycle riders love the open road. And geico loves helping riders get to where theyre going, so to help even more, geico is giving new and current customers a fifteen percent credit on their motorcycle policies with the geico giveback. And because were committed for the long haul, the credit lasts your full policy term. 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Like this device to increase volume on your cell phone. phone ringing get details on this state Program Visit right now or call during business hours. Snoalt. Stephen welcome back, everybody. Lets say hello to our friend jon batiste. Hello, jon. Jon man, we are in a spot right now. Stephen we are. As week speak, theres landfall for hurricane laura in western louisiana. Do you know how things are for your family in kenna, your Home Community down there. Jon i have been texting with them and calling them. Luckily, theyre doing fine. Theyre blessed to be just on the outskirts of the hurricane, but those folks in lake charles and beaumont, its pummeling us, man. We cant deal with another one. Everybody put your prayers in the air. We need it right now. We really do. Stephen jon, you played the National Anthem at the opening of the n. B. A. Season sois year, just about a month ago. Jon yes, yup, yup. Stephen do you know you know what happened with the bucks tonight and the whole league. Jon yeah. Stephen and kenny smith. Jon uhhuh, absolutely. Stephen did you see that. Jon yes, an incredible edible vulnerable moment. Truly. And i think that its something thats necessary to happen when people have this platform to really impact minds and hearts. You can you can make a Statement Like this, and im just so proud to be a part of this season, starting with the anthem, and now to see the thea. Going in this whole storied direction, its olmething that i really feel blessed to have been a part of. And i think weve got to keep going. The battle is still going. The battle continues. Stephen well, jon, im about to speak to nancy pelosi about all of this. Could you play something to transition us into the speaker of the house, please. Jon absolutely. Stephen thank you, jon. Jon batiste, everybody. Folks, my guest tonight is the speaker of the house of representatives. Please welcome back to a late show, speaker nancy pelosi. Madam speaker, thank you so much for being here. I wish i could say my pleasure. I always look forward to this. Except, as you say, as you listed earlier, a hurricane described as perhaps unsurvivable, and california fires described as armageddon, a pandemic affecting so many people. And, again, what happened in kenosha just breaks your heart. Ve wha what jon said. We have to have our prayers in the air. Very prayerful time. So sad. Stephen it absolute is. And its its people of good will and people of conscience to think about how far theyre willing to go in the direction that our country is being dragged right now. I want to thank you for being here. I dont ever want to take for granted that we have the opportunity to speak to the speaker of the house. So thank you for being here. This is i want to talk to you for a moment about i did not watch the r. N. C. Tonight because i i dont know why i will give air to their lies again. But i suppose ill try tomorrow again and see if i can get through it. What have you made of the week so far . Well, ive been busy with my day job, which extends into the night, because california is, as you know, goes on for three more hours. So i was too busy to watch. And that was okay with me because i try not to try to get rid of my negative attitudes, and that only just provokes them more to watch, the misrepresentations that are there, the disrespect for people. Its really sad. St weeust om ttt the pride of place that people had in their states across the country. Try. d rather think in a more positive way, not to dwell on them, but to think in more forward way. Stephen im happy im happy to leave the discussion of the r. N. C. , but i have to ask you one question. This is a rumor thats going around at the r. N. C. Is Joe Biden A Trojan horse, and youre inside pulling all the levers . Because theyve painted a picture. To their pe t redeimatjoe biden. President of the United States. He has a vision for our country, which is very positive, respectful of the dignity and worth of every person. He has knowledge of the issues, which is something that they are also lacking, knowledge and judgment. He always thinks in a strategic way about how to get things done. N e