As you go forward on your journey to kindergarten and beyond, you will be well served by the lessons youve learned here its important to share. Dont eat paste. And if you sprinkle when you tinkle, be neat and wipe the seat. I wish i could tell you things will get easier and life will be nothing but crayons and baby carrots, but soon you will have to learn valuable lessons like how to use scissors with pointy tips. And, trust me, its always funny until someone loses an eye, and, even then, sometimes amusing. In closing, i would like to end by paraphrasing my character sebastien de valmont from dangerous liaisons, a story about a man in 18th century france engaging in multiple affairs your future is beyond my control. Congratulations, class of 2020. Ill be accepting tips and macaroni necklaces via venmo. Announcer its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight no mask, dont tell. Plus stephen welcomes Vice President joe biden. Featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now, live on tape from a safe distance, its Stephen Colbert stephen you ready . This is eight weeks. So, so ready. Stephen i am so, so ready as well. I could been more ready. Stephen what do you think of the hair tonight. I think its fine. Stephen good . Ive got a nice little sweep going here. Oh, hi. And welcome to a late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. You know, the great state of michigan is grappling with a series of disasters right now. Record unemployment coronavirus, flooding, and today, a visit from donald trump. Theres a reason its wearing a mitten because it doesnt want you to see which finger its holding up. Trump went to a ford plant in ypsilanti today, and one of the Big Questions was whether he was going to set a good example and abide by the companys rules by wearing a face mask people were so concerned that, prior to the visit, the Michigan Attorney general wrote a letter asking trump to wear a mask for the visit, explaining, anyone who has potentially been recently exposed, including the president of the United States, has not only a legal responsibility, but also a social and moral responsibility, to take reasonable precautions. Okay, you lost him at legal. And social. And moral. And responsibility. And wrote a letter. Next time, try delivering your message via a sock puppet with a nice set of cans. So, would he . Or. Of course he wouldnt. Oh, my god, whats it going to take . Just fill it with skittles and strap it on his face like a feedbag. as trump can i get a new mask . This one has only purples left. Trump was asked about his decision to go without a mask. Could you just take us through your thought process of why you decided not to wear a mask . Well, i did wear i had one on before. I wore one in this back area. But i didnt want to give the press the pleasure of seeing it. Stephen hes right. There would be enormous pleasure in seeing less of your face. Now, any president can be an idiot. But heres where donald trump takes it to the next level. He was answering questions about not Wearing Masks in front of a sign about how that factory was making masks. as trump uhoh, i cant be at a factory where they make masks. Is there a factory where they make a fool of themselves . But trump proved he had a mask, he just didnt want to wear it. By the way, heres my mask right here and i like it very much. Stephen by the way, honey, heres the condom. Right here. I like it very much. Just not on the penis. Then trump was asked about the very real possibility of a second wave of the virus. People say that is a very distinct possibility. Its standard. And we are going to put out the fires. Were not going to close the country. Were going to put out the fires. Stephen look, everybody, just because the building is burning down, doesnt mean were going to close it. Were going to put out the fires as they continue to flare up. Very standard. Now, get back to work. And can somebody please crank up the a c . Its hot as hell in here. Then trumps speech began, and he shared some fond michigan memories. Years ago, i was honored long before i ever thought of the president ial situation i was honored in michigan. It was probably ten years ago. The man of the year. They named me the man of the year in michigan. Stephen now, this is something trump has been saying a lot. And, it never happened. According to former congressman dave trott, the man who presented trump with the thing he remembers so well, there was no michigan man of the year award. What he gave trump was a framed copy of president lincolns gettysburg address. as trump i want to thank president lincoln for naming me michigans man of the year. This reminds of the time the d. M. V. Gave me a beautiful plastic card naming me peoples sexiest man alive. i keep it in my wallet with the applebees coupon naming me the pope of chicken wings. Before the maskless plant tour, trump held a maskless meeting with some black leaders. And trump told some anecdotes. Weve got to open our churches. People want to go in. I saw a scene today where people were trying to break in a church to go into the church. Not to break in and steal something. They want to be in their church. Stephen as trump not to steal anything can you believe it . I mean, every time ive gone to church, i usually walk out of there with some 20s from the collection plate and some nice wooden plus signs. Trump also talked up the importance of reopening places of worship. I think churches, to me, theyre so important, in terms of the psyche of our country, beyond i mean, to me, they use the word essential. I think churches are essential. Stephen as trump churches are amazing. I visit one every single time i get married. And before he even left for michigan, the president hovered in place for a maskfree episode of chopper talk stephen at the choptalk, trump talked about his covid test results. In the most confusing way possible. Im still here. And i tested very positively, in a in another sense. So, this morning, yeah. I tested positively toward negative, right, so, no, i tested perfectly this morning. Meaning meaning i tested negative. But thats a way of saying it, positively toward the negative. Stephen as trump when it comes to being negative, my test was extremely positive, because, not to be negative, but, being positive would be supernegative, and i wouldnt want to not be unnegative. Of that, im positive. In a negative way. Oh, theres a nasa launch next week, and trump is considering attending. I am thinking about going thatll be next week to the rocket launch. I hope youre all going to join me. I would like to put you on the rocket and get rid of you for a while. Stephen houston, we have a douchebag. Hey, theres a new Columbia University study that says, if the United States had begun imposing social distancing measures just one week earlier, about 36,000 fewer people would have died. And if wed done it on march 1, two weeks earlier, a vast majority of the nations deaths, about 83 , would have been avoided. Huh, march 1, what was he saying back around then . Now, the democrats are politicizing the coronavirus. You know that, coronavirus, right . booing theyre politicizing it. This is their new hoax. Stephen wow. The democrats got the entire world in on their hoax. You got us, dems. You can come out and tell us youve punked us. Guys . Ollie ollie oxygen tent theres actually some good news on the pandemic. Yesterday, the c. D. C. Announced that the coronavirus does not spread easily by touching surfaces or objects. Whoohoo we can touch surfaces again oh, oh, baby, im sorry i sprayed you down when i brought you back from the kroger. Everyone said you were dangerous, and i believed them ill make it up to you, baby later, well spoon. But dont put away the lysol just yet, folks. Getting coronavirus from contaminated surfaces still may be possible. It just does not spread easily in that manner. And this is what passes for good news now were probably not going to get a deadly virus from touching doorknobs. Which brings me to our new segment ill take it and thats it for the good news, because experts are now warning of a second wave of cases in the south. When they said the south will rise again, i didnt know they meant body temperatures. This warning comes by way of a new study where researchers used cell phone data to track social mobility. What theyre using my cell phone to track me . Siri, set a reminder not to trust you. Done. Stephen some areas are predicted to see it worse than others. For example, researchers say that south florida looks worrisome. A sentence that really could have been written at any time. Explaining why south florida looks so particularly bad, one researcher said of the region, its a densely crowded area. Theres a lot of tinder down there. And if youre trying to avoid spreading disease, the last thing you want is tinder. Consent is important stephen we also got a troubling study from trumps alma mater, the Wharton School of business, which found that eliminating all social distance guidelines could cause positive coronavirus case numbers to tick as high as 5. 4 million by july 24. Wow, those are the most troubling numbers wharton could release, other than trumps grades. More notthebest fantastic news, because according to a new report, coronavirus testing is a mess in the u. S. Because proper testing regimes require federal guidance, leadership and support. Really . Thats like reading a recipe and seeing the main ingredient is the one you dont have. Okay, ive got eggs. Ive got flour. Dammit hey, honey, did we order any leadership . Crap. Well, i guess ill just bake it differently in every state. All this negative news on testing is hard to take. But it was even harder to deliver, because it came from the university of minnesota. Minnesotans are so nice it must be torture for them to give bad news. I mean, just look at this from the universitys spokeswoman. Okay, hi. Hows everybody doing today . It is so nice out, finally. Might even put the tarp on the snowmobile. Oh, i made you a tatertot hot dish and there will be plenty to share, because, unfortunately, most of you folks are going to die, because our testing has gone straight to hedouble hockey sticks. Anyway, ill need that pyrex back, so just put it in your will bye stephen weve got a show for you tonight. Ill be talking to Vice President joseph r. Biden. Stck around. I got new jeans, and some new fleece new school year, whatever that means from the sporty chic to the stem star go show off your fit, lets raise the bar whatever this year looks like, get fresh looks at old navy and oldnavy. Com. So can your skin lather, rinse, refresh with dove men care body wash that washes away germs and moisturizes skin to refresh you and your skin with every shower an extra 15 credit on car and motorcycle policies . Thats great thats 15 on top of what geico could already save you. So what are you waiting for . John stamos to knit you a scarf . All finished, jean. Enjoy thank you. I give. The stitch work is impeccable. Its just a double fleck pattern with a reverse garter stitch. No big deal. Is your hair this soft . Softer. Geico. Save an extra 15 when you switch by october 7th. Tonight, try pure zzzs all night. Unlike other sleep aids, our extended release melatonin helps you sleep longer. And longer. Zzzquil pure zzzs all night. Fall asleep. Stay asleep. With a mintyflavored dark chocolate delicious twist. New kit kat duos mint and dark chocolate. Have a break, have a kit kat. Contactless delivery tarright to your door,very designed for your day. So you can work out, join in, and game on. Just download the target app and try it today. Stephen welcome back, everybody. Tonight, it is my pleasure to talk with the Presumptive Democratic candidate to be the next president of the United States. Please welcome the man from scranton, Vice President joseph r. Biden. Hello, sir hey, man stephen good to see you again. Also good to see you wearing a mask. Well, you know, there are secret service outside, and the what happens is, they all the secret service is tested, and i have three or four people come in here with masks and gloves that helped me set this up, and, so, you know, i wear the mask all the time not all the time when anybodys around, other than jill. Although sometimes she wants me to put the mask on so she cant hear me speak. But laughter stephen well, im so glad to have you here. You are my last guest of an eightweek run that weve been doing at home. It has its challenges but feels good to finish out the run with the Presumptive Democratic nominee. I have but one question to lead us off, sir are you going to beat this guy . Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Stephen whats the message . I dont wt to jinx myself, but ill tell you why, the American People, they fully understand whats at stake here. This is the most important election in anybodys life. Not because im running, but because of the circumstances. Weve lost you know, weve lost 36 million jobs, we have over, what is it, 93,000 dead and the numbers climbing. And the way hes walked away from the rest of the world . Hes not having our folks at any of the International Meetings of the world health organization, or dealing with those nations or working on vaccines as well. I mean, i just do not understand it. Stephen i know that the one of the slogans of your campaign when you first started was restoring americas soul, which i think is a worthwhile goal, but right now, america also needs to restore its body. Yep. Stephen we 50 states, all 50 states, are doing some form of reopening right now. Yes. Stephen though none of those states have met all the c. D. C. Criteria. So there are concerns of a second wave. What can we do to prevent that, sir . Well, first of all, as i understand it in fact, i know it the c. D. C. Had set out and were prepared to issue some very detailed guidelines about how to reopen, under what circumstances, and the white house quashed that. So they put out a very watered down version of what they, in fact, said should be the basis upon which we reopen, how we should reopen. And it is and you saw in the news yesterday and the day before, how present officials at the c. D. C. Talk about how there is an open conflict with the white house as to listening to the scientists and the science. The president has one measure of how hes going to be reelected, in his view and that is his maralago friends, are they doing well, and is the stock market rising . Because thats his basis upon which he measures whether or not theres any economic success. And i think hes prepared to do virtually anything to try to get that moving without paying nearly enough attention to what everyone from dr. Fauci to scientists all over the country have said in great universities from john hopkins to stanford to columbia, et cetera, have said that we have to really worry about whether or not theres going to be a considerable rebound of this disease, a rebound of this virus. And, look, he hasnt even you know, look how long it took him to get the p. P. E. , the protective gear to people, still not everywhere. He talks about at this moment, he said anyone who wants a test can get one. Well, he can get one every day if he wants to, and the white house can, but people cant. Some people can, but the vast majority of the American People cant just go get a test. I mean, why dont you start to tell the American People the truth . Theyre tough. They can handle it. And tell them whats going to happen and tell them how youre going to get these things done. Hes done none of that. Stephen the n. I. H. Has said that the rosiest possible scenario is a distributable vaccine in 2021. If you are elected president of the United States, that will be your responsibility and your administrations responsibility to distribute that. How will you get that done . What are the plans in your first 100 days to make sure the American People have what they need and can get any vaccine or any treatment that might be available . Well, theres a couple of things, and thats the exact right question to ask, in my view. You know, trump is finally appointing some people to lead efforts about getting the vaccine, but its much too little, much too late on p. P. E. , on the issue of testing, on guidance for reopening, and we definitely cant afford too little, too late on the vaccine. So heres what i would do. One, we have to make the investment we need here at home, but it also means working with the rest of the world. The United States of america being absent from a global vaccine summit and that we didnt even show up at it, our allies are working on a vaccine in places like in oxford in england, it can help make a breakthrough possibly. We should be able to take advance of that and be with them. So heres what i would be doing. One, if i were president today, i would have a full strategy that includes three key pieces. Now ive talked about this a lot. One, id appropriate 25 billion from congress to scale up manufacturing, so theres no delay once the vaccine is found. Youve got to scale up the capacity to produce the vaccine. Secondly, id work with our allies and partners around the world so we have the access, if we need the vaccine, if it emerges somewhere else. And thirdly, id develop a plan now for distribution by making sure it gets everywhere in america, urban, rural and everywhere around the world. Because the truth of the matter is, even if we take care of everything at home, it can still come back through other sources around the world in terms of travel. Weve learned that vaccine excuse me, that viruses dont get stopped by walls. So theres so much we should be preparing for now so we dont end up flatfooted. God willing, if there was a vaccine as early as theoretically possible, as early as january, if that occurred, what is the plan . How do you get it out to all americans . How do you do it, what do you do . You should be doing it now and appropriate the money to be able to produce it. Stephen now, i assume youre getting advice from epidemiologists and from medical experts on how to hit the ground running, should you be elected. I also assume you have the best pick of the people out there . Because trump did not pick the best people, and in the cases he did, they didnt last long if they disagreed with him. When you enter the white house on january 20, 2021, after you take that oath, will you appoint people from both sides of the aisle . Because there are so many republicans who want desperately to work hard to restore this country. Yes absolutely, look, this isnt a partisan issue. I know it sounds