Maybe it would. Maybe it wont. What the hell do you got to lose . Announcer its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight home sweet show plus, stephen welcomes conan obrien. And musical guest michael stipe. Featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now live on tape from a safe distance, its Stephen Colbert stephen oh, hey i was just pretending i could be at home without a camera. Welcome to a late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Happy to be here. Happy. Tuesday, i think . It is tuesday. Good. Thank you, thank you, sir. I dont always know. Im so grateful that im still able to do a show for you guys and for all of you out there who are watching, one assumes. Its possible my producers are lying to me that were broadcasting at all. Sure, stephen, weve put a van on n. It talks to space. Now take a shower and shout into your phone. Whatever. Im grateful for something to do. Now, there is one aspect of the show that i have really been missing and that is my conversations with our friend jon batiste. Last couple of weeks, jons music has been featured throughout the show, but we have not connected on the air yet. So lets give that a shot. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for john batiste and stay homin jon hey, everybody out there stephen whats going on, my friend . Jon im quarantined as we all are. This is the show were doing right now, right . Stephen were doing the show right now. Jon okay, so, hey, everybody, in the audience, or at home. I hope youre safe. Stephen yes, i hope they are, too. Youre right to ask whether this is a show. Because it does not it almost entirely but not completely does not feel like a show. Jon it absolutely doesnt feel like a show. Theres no audience. I dont feel the inperson energy. I rea e doingwe enmilydown in new orleans . I know there have been a lot of jon you knoea ateful for everybody on the front lines, you know. Theres so much that we we have we have to go through. This is just the beginning. I can feel that we havent even really hit that intensity of where this moment is going to go. And im just grateful for the people on the front lines in louisiana. My family is staying home. And my sister, she has she has been working from home, and my parents are retired so, you know, family time. Stephen thats nice. Thats nice. You can play us a Little Something while i go back to start the monologue . Jon oh, yeah, of course. Stephen what have you got . late show theme stephen jon batiste, everybody. Now, one thing i have not been missing is donald trump. And yet, he persists. Yesterday, donald trump was asked about a critical report from the health and Human Services administrators Inspector General, and he was not amused. T spto general report, but testing is reacts like a teenage girl. Ugh, here we go again, a reporter wanting to know information. Ill tell you what. You just got tested and you are positive for being a total bitch. Thats my new trump impression. Trump explained that Global Pandemic is not the federal governments job. Hospitals can do their own testing, also. States can do their own testing. States are supposed to be doing testing. Hospitals are supposed to be doing testing. Do you understand that . Were the federal government. Listen, were the federal government. Were not supposed to stand on street corners doing testing. Stephen first of all, yes, itis ter. . Who does he think does the testing . as sex worker hey, baby. You need a date . Howb . Trump then pointed to a chart that he had, that showed the country had gone from almost no testing to some testing, and scolded the reporter. You should say, congratulations, great job, instead of being so horrid in the way you ask a question. Stephen yes, a reporters job isnt to ask questions. It is to praise the president for doing a great job, just like when woodward and bernstein got nixon that congrats on the corruption cake. From there, it was just open season on every reporter who asked about the i. G. Report, like abcs jon karl. Reporter if i could follow up on this question of the h. H. S. Inspector general. It wasnt so much her opinion, but they interviewed 323 different hospitals. Well, it still could be her opinion. When was she appointed . When was she appointed . Reporter she did serve in p oh, you didnt tell me that. Oh, i see. Youre a thirdrate reporter, and what you just said is a disgrace. Thank you very much, jon. Thank you very much. You will never make it. Stephen what is wrong with him . For the record, this Inspector General started under bill clinton, served for eight years under george bush, served under obama, you know what . Who gives a bleep . Trump doesnt understand that no one cares about these hissy fits anymore. All of the drama no longer plays to the camera, sir, not even to your own supporters. Because it doesnt matter who you voted for. Everyone just wants to know the truth because thats how you stay alive. So grow up and do your damn job. We have to. You should, too. Is it still tuesday . Yup. Stephen trump also revealed that he had a phone call with joe biden. I also spoke, just a few minutes ago, with Vice President former Vice President biden, who called, and we had a really wonderful, warm conversation. It was a very nice conversation. We talked about pretty much this. This is what we talked about. Ga, and i fully understood that. And we just had a very friendly conversation. Stephen yes, it was a perfectly friendlt on joe biden. Pthere was an election today in wisconsin. Now, despite the fact that every other state has postponed its primary this month, or moved to mailin ballots, at the insistence of the Wisconsin Republican legislature, the badger state went ahead with their primary. I guess its wisconsins way of showing New Hampshire that you can live free and die. Heres how we got in this mess. Yesterday, there was a last minute order from wisconsins democratic governor and iron deficient anthony fauci, tony evers. Evers gave the order to postpone inperson voting due to the coronavirus. But just hours later, the Wisconsin Supreme Court overturned him. Its clearly sadistic to make people risk their lives to vote, but the ruling was no surprise coming from chief justice jigsaw. as jigsaw ive hidden the ballot inside your abdomen. To vote, you must cut yourself open with an i voted sticker. Stephen the ruling went up to the u. S. Supreme court, and the conservative majority blocked extended voting in wisconsin by a vote of 5 to 4. Well, of course, the Supreme Court is used to voting while social distancing. Everyone knows to stay at least six feet away from Brett Kavanaugh after hes boofed. So voters were forced to do their best today, lining up at polling places to perform their constitutional duty, and hoping not to get sick. Luckily, a lot of wisconsin residents already have all the materials they need to make their own masks. Again, its only tuesday tuesday . Tuesday. But its already been a terrible week for acting secretary of the navy and man who ordered his hairline to retreat, thomas modly. Over some controversial comments he made yesterday. It all started last week when the concerned commander of the Aircraft Carrier, the u. S. S. Theodore roosevelt, wrote a memo to the u. S. Navy saying that, of his 4,000 crew, more than 100 sailors were already infected with the coronavirus, saying, we are not at war. Sailors do not need to die. And warned his superiors that sailors aboard the Aircraft Carrier would die unless about 90 of the crew were moved into individual quarantine. And sailors are at particularly high risk. You know how the popular song goes in the navy cough on your fellow man in the navy, hey no need to wash your hands it goes on from there. The memo was leaked to the press, so modly sprang into action to rectify the situation, and fired captain crozier. Heres a video of the crew sending the captain off. cheers and applause captain crozier captain crozier. Captain crozier captain crozier stephen did you hear that chanting . Hes the most popular captain since crunch. But firing crozier wasnt good enough for modley. No sunday, modley went aboard the u. S. S. Theodore roosevelt and gave a speech to the sailors, trashing their beloved captain. What the bleep . Stephen i agree with that sailor. What the bleep . Read omthe man youre calling sd just tried to save your audiences lives. Thatd be like telling the survivors of sully sullenbergers plane okay, that was a nice landing, but can we talk about that stupid mustache now . Theres no way tom hanks will ever play that guy, am i right . Am i right . And, secretary modly, if you didnt think your tonedeaf speech was going to get out into the public, youre either too naive or too stupid to be running the navy. Oh, but wait, theres more. Because then modly shifted gears from insulting the captain to insulting the crew. Stephen first of all, dont stephen first of all, dont imply the crew is a bunch of cowards because they dont want to catch a deadly virus. They signed up to serve their country, not endanger their lives forasa ship. Eyd go on a cruise. I just dont understand why hes goiddy roosevelt. T. R. s motto was talk softly and carry a big stick, not talk loudly and be a huge dick. Well, after the audio leaked, modly released this statement i stand by every word i said. Okay, good for you. Be a man. Take your licks. Stand up for yourself. And then he took a few licks, so the next day he sat his ass down. Let me be clear. I do not think captain Brett Crozier is naive nor stupid. Yeah, i stand by every word, except that i apologize, and i take back every word i said about the captain and the crew. But i did mean it when i said the word ship. hey, you know who might need a big ship . The u. F. C. Because theyve just announced, they are getting a private island to hold weekly fights amid the coronavirus crisis. I dont see why they need to do this. Why do you want a fight island . If you want a fight island, just come to the island of manhattan and try to buy two rolls of toilet paper. Its a total bloodbath, and then theres nothing to wipe it up with. U. F. C. President dana white assured viewers that the private island where men beat each other for our amusement will be totally safe. Were going to make sure that 100 healthy athletes, healthy Athletic Commission people, healthy judges, referees, my production people; that everybody there is going to be healthy. Were going to make sure everybodys going to be safe before, during, and after the fights. Stephen wait, during the fights . Dont worry. After i shatter your eye socket, im going to wash my hands for two happy birthdays. Now let me just punch you in the throat. Mr. White explained how he plans to keep the island covidfree. We have all our own planes and everything. Everybody is going to be pretested and tested and tested and tested. Stephen so the good news is there are plenty of coronavirus tests. The bad news . So, if yoll on fight island. Wer her into the octagon. Weve got a show for you tonight. Up next, i talk to my old friend conan obrien on my show. Or, is he talking to me on his show . Theres only one way to find out. Stick around. Hey, can i. Hold on one second. Sure. Okay. 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A drink with friends can turn into two, and a prescription can be stronger than you thought. Stop there are a lot of ways to get a dui. And a lot of ways to go text a friend, call a cab, share a ride. Whatever you choose to do, go safely, california. How much time do you want to do, stephen . Stephen they listen what works for you. Stephen any amount works for me. They we put it in for 12. Yup. Stephen but i think thats probably well probably go long andn g keep every second. Stephen all of this is in. Were rolling on this right now. This stuff should be the show. Stephen i really think it should, actually. I love any time the most mundane thing happens on our set and i mean really mundane. Stephen even when the show and andy will say, like i had really good almonds. And ill say, really, i didnt think you could eat almonds . And somebody will inevitably say, this, should be the show no no, it shouldnt be the show. Stephen but it should be the show now, no one can do their job well now. I beg to differ. I think you and i are killing it. Stephen thank you, conan. That was a test and you passed. Thank you. Im ready to go whenever you are. Well, im thrilled because my next guest is one of my 11 favorite latenight hosts. Hes, of course, on cbs. Hes beloved. Ste sw, stephen. Stephen thank you, conan. Now, a lesser man would would fight with you right now and say, no, no, youre on my show. But i have been a host long enough to know that the host actually does most of the work, so you go right ahead, buddy. I see what youre doing. Beautiful. Stephen ask away. Ask away. All the weights on you now. Check. Mate. You fell into my trap. Beautiful judo move. Stephen thank you very much. Beautifully done. Stephen thank you very much. Beautifully done. Stephen how are you handling your isolation . I miss the laughter. I miss the joy that i bring others. Stephen well, what about your show . Do you miss that . laughs i dont know how youre dealing with this, this but i find that i really do i really do miss i love the family time im getting. Dont get me wrong. I love that. And we are screening classic movies at night. We watch classic movies, comedies that i loved growing up that i show my kids, and i love to bond with them in that way. But i do have to say, i i really miss and i think everybody is missing this right now talking to other people, being in the office, having that kind of being able to yell at people in person. Stephen sure. Belittle them in person. Stephen yeah. I cant do that now. I do it with sarcastic texts and its just not the same. Stephen doesnt have the inflection. How about you . How are you handling it . Stephen i miss the audience because i get all of my value from their praise. I have no selfworth at all. I only exist, really, in reflection to them chanting my name, so its been rough. Its been rough at times. Thats great that your audience chants your name. Mine stopped doing that about four years ago. When they chant my name now, its usually as an angry mob so i envy you. Stephen i have a bone to pick with you. What is that . Stephen about a year ago you stopped wearing a suit and tie and started going casual, jeans, maybe a leather jacket. Your dad is an epidemiologist, right . Did he give you the inside scoop . Yeah, my dad has been a microbiologist. Thats his profession and he told me about a year ago, trust me, theres this thing coming, and youre going to be broadcasting from home, so you should probably switch out of the suit and tie. I said, dad, shouldnt we be spreading this information for more useful purposes . And he said, i look after my own. Thats a quote. And then he hung up the phone. Stephen can i ask you whats going on in this room . Tell me about the room you chose. Why did you choose where you are right now to host . Okay, well do my room, and ch i find to be stephen go ahead. My room has nothing to hide. Yeah, yeah what is there to hide in this room. Stephen i dont know. I have my bust of teddy roosevelt, my everpresent bust of teddy roosevelt. Of course, ive got this mug, which is the original, that Robert Smigle gave me years ago which i have had on my talk show desk since 1993. Stephen i recognize it from late night. Theiseower mug. I have a guitar. I have everything i need. I have another guitar right here. Theres really not much to see in this room. I am a simple man with simple needs. Stephen are you going to be your own musical guest at any point . Youve got the instruments. Yes, i have the instruments, not the talent. So, no, that will not be happening. I dont want to inflict that on america. And i have a bone to pick with you while were picking bones. You are using stateoftheart equipment. I am broadcasting on basically a phone. I am broadcasting my show on a phone. I tune in, i check out your show, youre clearly and i know my cameras youre on a sony hdc100 4k. Stephen its a sony xd cam, hd, youre right. Yeah, you know why . Because ive been in this business a long time. And i know my cameras. Stephen i have a satellite truck parked on my lawn. Incredible. Stephen thank you. Let me tell stephen listen, buddy, i did it your way for the first week that we did it. I literally just did everything off of an ipad bounced on the side of a bathtub with a bottle of bubble bath to keep it from tipping in and killing me, okay. So dont tll me. Ive been in it. Okay, let me tell you let me tell you how i have been doing it. We record my show on a flip phone. When the show is over, i put it into a cardboard tube, and i put it in the u. S. Mail. And it goes to turner headquarters in atlanta. Thats how weve been do