Have been accumulating enormous amounts of cotton balls, tongue depressors, even our urine just what do they need all that urine for . And dont bother trying to find a newborn baby, theyre all in hospitals hospitals if theyre so great, then why is everyone there sick . Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, stephen at home plus, stephen welcomes john oliver with jon batiste and stay homein. Now, live on tape from a safe distance, its Stephen Colbert stephen thank you. Thank you so much. Wow. Wow. Hi. Hi. Please please, have a seat. Thank you. We got to do the show. Im sorry. Thank you very much. Thank buddy. Welcome, one and all, to a late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. Its good to be back. What have i missed . Anything big . Im coming to you from the late shows new temporary set the historic ed sullivan my house. Why did i wish to be home more on that cursed monkeys paw . Plus, now ive got to wash the monkeys paw for 20 seconds with cursed soap. Now, you may have noticed that, even though i am at home and were in casual circumstances, i am wearing a suit. Im doing it because a it gives me a sense that im at a job, and b i do not have a physique that lends itself to casual clothing. I just want to do anything to make things seem somewhat normal. Thats why im also wearing full makeup, and i shaved my legs. Mmhmm. Ive got my family helping me out here. My son is here as my tech and cameraman. Want to put your hand in front of the camera and say hi . There you go. A little higher in. There you go and then my daughter did my makeup tonight. I think i look rather nice. Hello. Hmm, you like . Please, tweet your responses. Also, let me know if you want me to keep wearing a suit or if you want me to dress more casually in shows to come. All right . Suit or no suit. Were all adjusting. sighs for instance, ive taken to washing my hands so much theyre turning to dust. Then of course i have to moisturize. I spend a lot of my time doing this. Which looks evil, but its not. evil voice oh no, were all just doing our part to flatten the curve. Its the only way to stop the virus. evil laugh seriously, wash your hands. Some positives have come from this. Selfisolation turned this into a golden age for pets. My dog benny is so happy im around that he actually follows my commands. When we go for a walk, he actually heels the whole time. I thought i had a bad dog, turns out, im a just terrible owner. Come here whats up . Come here, come here, boy come on, come on look at that look at that come up here whos a bad owner . I am yes, im a terrible owner look look evie laughing hes so well trained now. Were really communing. Weve got a lot more in common now. Bye. Bye. Oh, yeah. Hes not going to leave, though. Oh, there you go. Come on. Come here stephen we have a lot in common now. Were both eating all our food out of cans, and were both learning to stay. I aso freak out when i see a squirrel outside the window. No, dont chew on the electrical bleep . bleep . Come here no, bleep i know its not her fault. What are we supposed to do . Stephen i dont know. Are we still broadcasting . Are we still good . We should still be here. Yeah, youre good on my end. Stephen okay, there we go. Whew. This is going very smoothly. I could tell this is perfectly sustainable. Thank you now i know a lot of you are stressed because were all in isolation, and no one knows how long this is going to last, but i have a simple message for you america, you got this. You have been training for this moment your whole lives. Every cancelled plan, every 2 00 a. M. Netflix binge, every grub hub order from the restaurant across the street. It was for this were americans, and theres nothing we do better than not doing things. Yes, were the country who put on a man on the moon. Yes but were also the country where 125 million of us stayed home to watch it on tv. Remember, like the old motto says, united we stand, divided. New yorks hospitals are already stretched thin which is why yesterday, and it is shocking to see, the city began setting up a Field Hospital for coronavirus patients in central park. The central Park Hospital is just like a regular hospital, except after your doctor treats you, you really should put a dollar in his guitar case. Its just nice. Of course, its a tough time for new yorks doctors, nurses, medical technicians, and the maintenance staff. Theyre working inhuman hours under terrible conditions to save our lives. So, every night at 7 00 pm, to show their appreciation, new yorkers have done this applause cheers and applause clapping that is beautiful i have never been more moved by applause that wasnt for me. Plus, all over the country, medical schools are graduating their seniors one month early so they can join the front lines. And in new york, 76,000 healthcare workers, many of them retired, volunteered to help with the crisis. These people are older and at more risk, so theyre putting their lives on the line for others. Let me be the first to say, okay, boomer today, help arrived in the form of the Navy Hospital ship, the u. S. N. S. Comfort, named, of course, for civil war general ezekiel t. Comfort. Heres the ship passing the statue of liberty. Steering clear of lady liberty, which is good because shes looking pretty green then the ship steamed up the hudson river and docked somewhere right around whispers here this is an incredibly moving sight, one none of us ever thought wed see. A ship thats normally deployed to wartorn areas urgently rushing to our nations largest city. And, yes, it looks like something out of world war ii. But whatever you do, dont go kiss a nurse. Theyre really busy. And they got to stay sterile. Now the comforts arrival is great news for new york city. Also for me, because its finally giving me the opportunity to pitch my sexy maritime hospital drama captain doctor, m. D. Hello, im captain doctor m. D. Im here to fix your heart with my surgeon hands and then break it with my dark, smoldering eyes. Come aboard my hospital boat to meet my sexy team of interns sailors lovers. Because on my ship, we put the ho in land ho. Remember if this hospitals a rockin, thats because its a boat. Now, welcome aboard me, captain doctor, m. D. Youre my first mate, but you wont be my last. Cbs all access, you get first dibs. But move on it did because i hear quibi wants seven seconds of it. Now since the big apple is the current epicenter of the covid 19 outbreak, residents of other states are rallying together to support new yorkers. And by rallying, i mean, running them out of town. Florida Governor Ron Desantis expanded his travel restrictions from hot zones in new york and louisiana, saying there will be checkpoints for those who try to drive into the state. However, these are florida checkpoints, so if youre a shirtless felon with a trunk full of pythons and meth. Welcome home a little farther north in maine armed vigilantes chopped down a tree to block a driveway and force their neighbor to self quarantine. Lumberjack vigilantes. The only way this could be more maine is if they dressed as a lobster and cut down the tree with a moose antler. Or dressed up a moose and chopped down a tree with a lobster. Dealers choice. So why did locals think these people had coronavirus even though they showed no signs of being sick . The victims who had lived in maine for over a month were targeted because of their new jersey license plate. No one should be ostracized because of their license plate. Unless it says covidbro. I have a dream that one day we will judge our neighbors not by the state on their license plates, but by the contents of their car. Because do we not all have a penny thats crusted to the inside of the cup holder . Who among us does not have a box of tissues on the back window that flies around like a rectangular bullet every time we take a sharp turn . Its time we throw away our fears. And its time we throw away that jar of nuts we keep in the glove compartment in case we get stuck in a snowstorm. Youre never going to eat the nuts and it never snows anymore now every american is grateful for all our heroic medical workers, and want to make sure they get all the supplies they need. All of us want that. Well, except for this one guy. Its a new york hospital, its packed all the time. How do you go from 10,000 to 20,000, to 300,000 . 10,000 to 20,000 masks, to 300,000 . Even though this is different, something is going on. You ought to look into it, as reporters. Where are the masks going . Are they going out the back door . Stephen really . Accusing medical workers of stealing masks . Thats like frisking mother theresa on the way out of the orphanage. Check her pockets. She could be smuggling out gruel this is how short Mother Teresa is and im going to lean down to get to her pockets trump is very suspicious of these workers. I think people should check that, because there is somethin. I dont think it is hoarding. It is maybe worse than hoarding. Stephen what is worse than hoarding . Does he think theyre holding underground eyes wide shut medical supply orgies . Where the masks wear masks . And why havent i been invited . But in the midst of this pandemic, trump remains focused on the most important thing his ratings. Quoting a New York Times story, he tweeted this yesterday as trump President Trump is a ratings hit. Since reviving the Daily White House briefing, mr. Trump and his coronavirus updates have attracted an average audience of 8. Million on cable news, roughly the viewership of the Season Finale of the bachelor. 150,000 americans are infected, 2,500 americans have died, and hes excited about his ratings. You know, it reminds me of the hindenberg coverage its burning and bursting into flames and this is going to get amazing ratings im going to be famous somebody call my agent oh, the publicity stephen now, truth is, this new way of life could go on for a while, because yesterday trump announced that the federal governments guidelines for social distancing would last until april 30. Another month indoors to spend with your new best friend, tyler b. Tube. I love you, tyler. April 30 is moving the goalposts for trump, because he kept saying wed be done as early as easter. Which everybody knew was never going to happen. And remember, even jesus said, let the children come to me but in about 68 weeks. In fact, i think im going to stay in the tomb a few more days. Im immunocompromised. Im just getting over a bad case of being dead. Im paraphrasing, obviously. This pandemic has grown so severe, that were seeing things we never thought wed see. For instance, trump learned an actual fact its up to 151 countries. Think of it. 151 countries. Somebody said to me, today, that wasnt in this particular world, they didnt know we had that many countries. 151 countries, thats something. Stephen so, let me get this straight, when he saw how many nations are struggling with this virus, he thought there sure are a lot of nations. Im going to say thats the wrong takeaway. Its like seeing your grandma fall down a flight of stairs, and saying, wow. I didnt know the human body had that many bones trump revealed that when the pandemic began, some people advised him not to do any social distancing at all. We had a lot of people were saying maybe we should not do anything. Just ride it. They say ride it like a cowboy. Just ride it. Ride that sucker right through. Stephen you heard that right, ride it like a cowboy, advice that no doubt came from the acting head of the c. D. C. , lil dr. Nas x. He is the guest star on the Season Finale of captain doctor, m. D. Folks, we have a show for you tonight. John oliver is not here, but he is somewhere and wherever that is i will be talking to him. So, stick around mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Whos up for midnight shrimp . Do it for the mom pop on every block new day, sunshine on every block windows open, im yelling unity side by side with my community celebrate, lets have a jubilee its bigger than you and me theyve been there for us lets be there for them theyve been there for us theyre going to be paying for this for a long time. They will, but with accident forgiveness allstate wont raise your rates just because of an accident, even if its your fault. Cut sonny. Was that good . Line the desert never lies. Isnt that what i said . No you were talking about allstate and insurance. I just. When i. Lets try again. 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The crowd is loving you. Arent they . Stephen one imagines. laughter stephen welcome. Welcome to interviews in the aftertimes. Yes, its great to be with you. Stephen yeah. Its like staring into my own anxieties right now. Its such a comfort to see your face because your eyes are also screaming the bleep . Stephen not at all im fine, john. Surely stephen im wearing a suit which one of us is wearing a suit . Who looks like theyre in control, john . It aint you, buddy. What could possibly be wrong . laughter is cbs going to give you some curse words during a pandemic, or even during a pandemic can you not swear . Stephen lets try, lets try right now. Sure. Ill try a simple one, ready . Yep. Stephen bleep . I have no idea if i got away with that. laughter lets try a simple one. This is one i wish i could use im never allowed to. bleep . What, youre not allowed to use bleep . Stephen no, cant use bleep . Cbs, come on. Stephen i know. I know. How are you . How are you feeling . Im at about a four. Stephen on a scale of you have to put that in some sort of range for me. Oh, like, zero to 50. Stephen zero, youre okay, good, great. Yeah, im doing okay, you know. Stephen yeah. This is a suboptimal time to be a human being. It would be a great time to be a dog. Stephen sure. Or a dolphin. Dolphins have had it too good for too long. Stephen its payback time, flipper. Sooner or later, Mother Nature will say, oh, i forgot about you. Stephen really, have you seen the videos from japan . laughter it hasnt exactly been a cakewalk the entire time. Were not broadcasting in japan, are we . Theres no one here. So you did is a show last night, congratulations. Thanks, thanks very much, yeah, we did one. Stephen from this location. Yeah, from right here. Im inside David Geffens yacht. Stephen oh, lovely. Now theres a man with his finger on the pulse of america. laughter stephen didnt quite read the room, dave. For those of you who dont know, david geffen, whom im sure is a lovely man, i dont know, he sent a shot of 300, 400, 700 foot boat . If you cant source, its worth putting on screen now. Its a large boat, for future reference. Stephen we have it. Jim . Yeah, if you put it up there, its david geffen at sunset pointing out hes self isolating, in a way that might be genuinely revolution inducing. laughter i think if the race to a class war has begun, i think he might have just fired the starters pistol. Stephen yeah, but you cant revolt unless you find him. Thats why hes out in the middle of the ocean. laughter thats right, swim to me. Swim to me, peasants. Stephen i dare you. Unless youre going to come at me on jet skis. Stephen so youve got a dog, yes . Ive got a dog, yeah. Stephen a dog, and you have children. Yeah, ive got a dog, two children, and a wife. Stephen and how are they reacting to you doing your show at home . Are they mucking in, is everybody helping . Its probably best they dont. I have a fouryearold and a oneyearold. So theres not much they can do to help here. Stephen the fouryearold can do your makeup. He could do stephen though from what i see, he probably did. laughter yeah, there you go. They are teetering hand grenades. So its best theyre not allowed anywhere near this equipment i do the show in this room and i turn up octonauts really loud so that he cant hear daddy though the wall swearing. Stephen im sorry, you turn up the whats . Octonauts, he likes octonauts. Stephen what are octonauts . Octonauts, its an excellent show about Little Creatures that live underwater stephen must be, like octopuses, but theyre, but theyre yeah, theyre like astronauts but under the water and they find out about animals each week stephen oh, good. And if you play it loud you cant hear your dad say what the bleep from the adjacent room. Stephen hows your personal hygiene going . Are you wearing pants these days . What kind of pants . Whats the bar for pants now . Stephen big boy pants, long pants. laughter im wearing sweat pants. Stephen well, thats not bad. They are sweatpants and they are stained with baby drool and peanut butter, so could be worse. Stephen perfect, perfect. Im wearing a suit, but im not wearing shoes. Oh, really . Stephen yeah. Its just the plates are out. Stephen the plates . Plates are meat, feet. Cockney rhyming slang. laughter cockney accent youve got your plates out, stephen. Stephen im sorry, ive never heard of that. And youve got a nice whistle on as well. Stephen i never heard that from my whistle and flute, suit. Stephen cockney accent i never heard that from my trouble and strife. laughter oh, not bad up the apples. Stephen innit, innit apples and pears, stairs. laughter stephen john, just