It will go away like things go away announcer its a late show, live with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, trumpsters. Steve welcomes governor Chris Christie and musical guest gregory porter, featuring live jon batiste and stay homin, and now live from the ed sullivan Theater Office building in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen welcome one and all. Monsieur and madame, mr. And mrs. America, and all the ships at sea to a late show. Im still your host Stephen Colbert, and im coming to you live after the final night of the Republican National convention. And i dont know whats going on, but ive got chills, ive got nausea. Its either the onset of covid or seeing 1,500 people with no social distancing, no masks or testing packed on to the south lawn of the white house. I knew republicans like voter suppression, i didnt know they kicked it up to voter extinction. Now, on the plus side, that was a bigger crowd than he got for the inauguration. Lets get to the predictable conclusion of dramatic music fry em like bacon. roaring be best. Im mike pence. Theres something wrong with our president dramatic music i dont feel so good, dad. Im okay don, jr. Almost snorted me. Stephen i am going to miss, i am going to miss that little opener. Oh what an emotional roller coaster we have been on this week. We laughed, we cried, we threw up a little in our mouths. I didnt watch any of last nights convention. That really was the high light of the week. Tonight, i also did not watch most of it. I did watch donald trump. He is the president , and at this point the entire Republican Party, but before they released the kraken, and remember that is a whole lot of kraken. Trump got an intro from white house senior daughter and American Girl doll just following orders, ivanka trump. Ivanka touted some of the accomplishments shed helped her dad achieve. Ive worked alongside the president as he signed into law nine pieces of legislation to combat the evil of human trafficking. Stephen and then i watched him tell one of those human traffickers that he wished her well. Ivanka summed up the last four years with a simple message. Washington has not changed donald trump. Donald trump has changed washington. Stephen shes right, actually, and thats weird. You see, the presidency proverbially changes the occupant, it matures them, it ages them. Look what eight years in the white house did to barack obama. The guy on the left looks like he should be persuading the guy on the right to give up his car keys. Youre going to like it at the home, they have golf carts. But trump doesnt do any of the stuff that matures or ages you like worrying about the American Team or feeling responsibility for protecting them or evidently anything else because just look at his 2016 and 2020 photos side by side. I guess its true what they say, taxidermy dont cracksadermy. Quick side note. In addition to being the final night to have the r. N. C. , this is the last episode of the fifth season of the late show with Stephen Colbert. Its been a great five years, and the last five months in particular have been an amazing ten years. And over the last 964 episodes, ive changed just laughs laughter just a bit. It looks like i drank from the wrong grail. laughter whispers help the last four years are like trump is dorian gray and were the picture then trump finally made his grand entrance flanked by melania in a green screen dress. That is so generous of her to provide the blank canvas, you can put anything in there. An im with stupid tshirt, joe biden, stormy daniels, the coronavirus, black lives matter, whatever i really dont care, do you . Then it came time for the president to do his official duty i profoundly accept this nomination for president of the United States. cheers and applause snap, snap stephen did i hear profoundly accept . I profoundly accept. That is a super weird choice of adverb. as trump i searchingly thank you. I will tightly work hard to abdominally earn it. Then trump reminisced about the white house of white houses past. President Abraham Lincoln looked out these very windows upon a halfcompleted washington monument. Franklin Delano Roosevelt welcomed winston churchill, and, just inside, they set our people on the course to victory in the second world war. Stephen as trump and right here at this podium, one president broke the law and used the peoples house for a grotesque campaign event. So much history. He couldnt help but make a pandemic promise. And well produce a vaccine before the end of year, or maybe even sooner. Stephen maybe even sooner, its all depending on the results of my pillow guys experiment with ginger root and black market four loko, okay. Pour it through the pillow, it gets the impurities out. He spent most of the time taking pokes at his opponent. Joe biden is not a savior of americas soul. He is the destroyer of americas jobs and if given the chance, he will be the destroyer of american greatness. Stephen wow, for a sleepy guy who doesnt leave his basement, bidey is pretty productive. Did i say bidey . Yes. Stephen laughs bidey, sure. Thats the power couple of spiderman and biden. Bidey dont point at your watch i know, Chris Christies in the wings. Oh, no laughter offscreen chatter we cant cut into the governor no, i know what youre saying, we have to get off so corden can come on or Something Like that. Now youre wasting time. Point at your watch again, big shot. laughter okay, its late . These people are wide awake. laughter the point is, i may not agree with his destroying american greatness policy, but you have to admire bidens hustle. Improbably and inaccurately trump boasted about his record on fighting covid. Thanks to advances, we have pioneered the fatality rate stephen yes, pioneered because this many people havent died since covered wagons, these people down here in the high risk rows know what im talking about, right . Trump had some weird praise for the american spirit. Americans are steeling their spines, grit in their souls and fire in their hearts. Stephen quick note, if you are experiencing soul grit or fire heart, please get tested for coronavirus. And he spoke in hushed and boring tones about americas founders. These pioneers didnt have money, they didnt have fame. Stephen as trump didnt need no credit card to ride this train. Its strong and its sudden and cruel sometimes, but if i just save your life, its a problem. laughter trump paid tribute to americas past greats. Legends were born. Wyatt earp, annie oakley, Davy Crockett and buffalo bill. Stephen he had a woman in a well, buffalo bill. She put the lotion in the basket, buffalo bill, great american, wonderful tailor. He made this suit and my face. Amid all the lies, he did get one thing right. Americans are exhausted. Stephen yes, we are after listening to you for 70 minutes, but at last its over. After four nights of bone chilling nonsense from americas top trash bags. Lets reflect on big moments in our please, never again from our segment look back at anger. There are still so many Unanswered Questions around what we witnessed this week, like how much coke did don, jr. Do before his speech on monday . Some say a lot. Others say, much more. Well, yesterday don, jr. Appeared on tv to deny that he was on cocaine which is one of the sure signs youre on cocaine. Junior i saw, the main concern was why were his eyes so glassy . They started doing this trending thing donald trump, jr. Is on cocaine when they cant attack the delivery or the substance, they have to attack something. Stephen don, based on your delivery i would say youre good at attacking the substance. But all jokes aside and many jokes ahead. Junior did have an excuse for his appearance. Well, i guess there must have been something with the lighting. laughs yes, the lighting. I think it was reflecting off the mirror under your nose. Blaming the lighting is one of the least plausible excuses ive ever heard, because no one else looked like they were trying to snort their way to a peruvian citizenship. laughter we all saw what we saw. I just want you to know that the first step is admitting that you have a lighting problem. Now, one of the highest low lights of the second night was when trump staged a tv friendly naturalization ceremony at the white house. Good for the new citizens, glad to have you, but its completely out of character for trump to welcome immigrants. Thats like Mahatma Gandhi entering a hot dog eating contest. But, theres one problem with the ceremony and its several of them. Its probably a violation of the hatch act and we just found out that the immigrants in trumps ceremony didnt know theyd appear at the r. N. C. So they were conned by donald trump. Congratulations. Now youre americans. As far as i can tell the theme to have the r. N. C. Has been for joe biden plan to come to the suburbs to hire m. S. 13 as your baby sitter to teach your children that George Washington was vegan, its spooky stuff. There was one particular video that was especially frightening. Ive seen a lot of moderates, a lot of people changing over because of everything thats been happening. This is a taste of bidens america, the rioting, the crime. Freedom is at stake now and this is going to be the most important election of our lifetime. Stephen wow, that was a frightening image. Luckily, its not from america because the r. N. C. Video showing rioters is actually showing spain. I believe its the small catalan town of kenotha, withconthin. Maybe this wasnt a blunder. Maybe this was an intentional choice by the Trump Campaign that would have explained their latest attack ad. Joe biden wants to lead our country, but joe biden wants chaos on american streets, football with no tackling. The worlds tiniest portions, and say hello to your new and upstairs neighbor. If joe biden has his way, your burger will drive through you. Joe biden doesnt know his time is up, because he melted all the clocks. Joe biden wrong for america, incorrecto para espana. Stephen ole laughter should i kill time . Do you want to point at your watch again, no . laughter we have a great show tonight. My guest is former new jersey governor Chris Christie. Stick around. Unitedhealthcare medicare plans offer so much more. So you can find just the right plan for you. Like the visit a doctor anywhere our rv takes us plan. The zero copays means more money for rumba lessons plan. And the visit my doctor while eating pancakes plan. Unitedhealthcare is the 1 medicare plan provider, so youre sure to find the right plan for you. Including the only plans with the aarp name. Get medicare with more. When you order a hotandjuicy quarter pounder. A normal amount of napkins, just wont do. Ba da ba ba ba [gas splashing in tank] [spoon clinking in mug] the Bulleit Frontier Fund is making a commitment to help bartenders keep doing what they do best. Lets keep our bartenders pouring. Im a sustainability science researcher at amazon. Climate change is the fight of our generation. The biggest obstacle right now is that were running out of time. Amazon now has a goal to be net zero carbon by 2040. We dont really know exactly how we are going to get there. Its going to be pretty hard. But one way or another were going to reduce our Carbon Footprint to net zero. I want my son to know that i tried my hardest to make things better for his generation. Guys guys safe drivers save 40 safe drivers save 40 safe drivers save 40 thats safe drivers save 40 . It is, thats safe drivers save 40 . Hes right there. Its him safe drivers do save 40 . Click or call for a quote today. Whether you need dinner for two. Safe drivers do save 40 . Or a room with a view. Get all your petsmart essentias carried right to your door with sameday delivery powered by doordash. Try it for free at petsmart. Com everybody felt fine. But now im super sick. Everyone is sick. I just wish we had been more careful. It would have been easier than this. So wear a mask. Do what you can outside. Stay six feet apart. Because some things you just cant take back. Do your part to lower the risk. Stephen hey, everybody welcome back to a late show. Lets check on our friend mr. Jon batiste. Hello, jon. Jon hello, stephen. I love you. How you feeling . Stephen let me turn you up here. I had you down. Sorry about that. Jon yes, yes. Stephen good to see you. Jon yes. Hey. Stephen hows everybody back home . I know youve got family back there. How are they doing in laura . Jon you know, we are blessed and im thankful but its really hard to watch how west louisiana, east texas got pummeled. I grew up there playing basketball, going to see family and friends. We have been through this before, but every single time, especially when its a category 4 and 5, its terrifying. Stephen well, listen, please, im glad your familys okay. Give my love to them and your friends down there and were about to take a break but over these two weeks lets talk about ways we can help when we come back. Jon oh, absolutely, were working on it. Stephen play us out with something hopeful, please. Jon yes, indeed. Stephen i like it. Jon a little humanism. Stephen thank you, jon. Jon batiste, everybody. Jon yes, indeed. Stephen well, ladies and gentlemen, my guest tonight is an abc news contributor who served as the 55th governor of new jersey, please welcome back to a late show, governor Chris Christie. Governor, welcome back to the show. Happy to be back, stephen. Difficult circumstances, but its good to see you again. Stephen well, listen, you know, when they said, hey, do you want to have Chris Christie on for the convention, i said, yeah, we always have a good time together. We always you know, theres some playful banter and some gentle disagreements over some fairly important things, but then i found out, literally, i just found out yesterday or today that youre helping the Trump Campaign. Are you helping him prep for these debates . Im sorry. I cant hear the governor. Ive lost audio on the governor. Hello, can you hear me now, stephen . Stephen i can hear you now. No, i havent done any of that yet, stephen. Stephen but are you going to . If asked, i will go in there and try to do the best i can to lend him some of my experience from before. Stephen please dont. laughter please dont because this is the fourth time you have been on the show, i think, is that right, fourth time, and, you know, every time you come on, we have a conversation, chris, my exec goes, you like him. I said its possible i might someday. Hes a great guest and its possible i might like him someday and this is seriously endangering the possibility that could happen. I have hope i could like you someday. And the feeling is mutual. I feel like i could like you someday, too. Stephen but this is your last chance now to get off the trump train, okay. Get off right now before this interview, before he loses and the truth and Reconciliation Commission drags you away to the woketopia where you have to confess your crimes. Knock wood that hes not president anymore, who knows whats going to happen. After the last four years, with where the country is now, with the dead people, where the economy is now, what he has done to International Standings and children on the border, why would you want to chain yourself to this anchor made of manure . Well, im not even going to go into responding to all of the different adjectives you used there, but i will say this, im not chained to anybody, but what i am chained to are a set of ideas that i believe are right for the country versus ideas i think are wrong for the country. Stephen what are those ideas . I believe in more conservative ideas. Stephen hes not a conservative. Hes not a conservative. Hes a trumpian. You know the republican does not exist anymore. Jared kushner said himself this is a hostile takeover and its complete. There are still principles of the Republican Party that republicans stand for. Stephen name one. Smaller government, lower taxes. Stephen spending, never had more spending. Well, of course we never had more spending now, stephen, because weve had to and i think you and i would both agree on that. In the face of the covid crisis, i dont think any of us should be wore worrying about what were suspending to support those who lost their jobs or rebuild or keep businesses open. Stephen he did not reduce the size to have the budget one year. But, it would be stephen but, but, but. No, let me finish. Its significantly less than it would be under joe biden and the democrats. Stephen well, thats borrowing a boogie man from tomorrow to make your point about what happened the last four years. Its not borrowing because elections are always about tomorrow, stephen. The elections are never about yesterday, theyre always about tomorrow. Stephen his abuse of power doesnt bother you at all . Listen, there have been things that have happened over the course of the last four years, and ive said this on your show, that i dont agree with and if i were president i would have done very differently, but now im down to a choice, im down to a choice between donald trump and republican principles or joe biden and progressive principles, and i agree more with conservative principles than progressive ones so thats the way i go. Stephen a cbs poll shows 57 of republicans find 180,000 dead americans from covid acceptable. Are you one of those 57 . No, i dont find any deaths from covid acceptable. I understand that some were unavoidable. Stephen some . Sure. I mean, listen, stephen, when you have a crisis like this, a Communicable Disease thats as aggressive and unknown as this one was, especially in the beginning, when you look at what happened in seattle, the elderly, it turns out, we have no way of knowing this til we saw the experience, but the elderly turned out to be the most Vulnerable People to this disease, so i think its unavoidable that some deaths were going to occur. But i dont find any number of deaths acceptable. Stephen but by election day it will be about a quarter of a million, by the end of the year 300,000. No other country comes close to that by multiple factors. This is a fa