Stephen colbert. Togh hng rttom. Plus, stephen welcomes deusus and mero and musical guest jake isaac featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan Theater Office building in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen thank you, friendly announcer lady. I never say thank you to her. Thats on me. Im sorry. Its been years now. Thank you, friendly announcer lady. I hope we meet some day. Welcome to a late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. It will be a while because we cant meet anybody right now. Too bad, we cant go for a walk. Happy first day of fall. Theres a crispness in the air, the leaves are changing, our nation is ravaged by a preventable disease due to our president s criminal negligence. So happy is a relative term. Its a mixed bag. But despite his historic shanking of the coronavirus response, yesterday in ohio, our Pumpkin Spice potus put a positive spin on things. We now know the disease. We didnt know it. Now we know it. It affects elderly people, elderly people with heart problems and other problems, if they have other problems. Thats what it really affects. Thats it. You know, in some states, thousands of people, nobody young. Below the age of 18, like nobody. They have a strong immune system. Who knows . Take your hat off to the young, because they have a hell of an immune system. But it affects virtually nobody. Stephen as trump they say 200,000 people have died, but i havent heom t raise yourifvdi of coronavirus. See . Nobody. The coronavirus has now killed more americans than the u. S. Battle deaths from the last five wars combined. So brace yourself for trumps update to the vietnam memorial. Personally, i havent been affected at all, and neither have the two masked men in this room with, or this great crowd, right . girls screaming in fact, america has been so unaffected by the coronavirus that this halloween, the c. D. C. Is discouraging trickortreating. You know, maybe thats for the best. Anybody who goes dressed up as a mummy is going to get mugged for the toilet paper. The new guidelines include lowrisk waytiyoe,or scavengntse contests. Of c tf a virtual e contesis knowing that the ppas are probably not wearing pants. Its going to be spiderman up top, porky pig downtown. Ibbidaibbidaibbida thats balls, folks. The c. D. C. Also wants you to terrify responsibly if screaming will occur, greater distancing is advised. So you cant make things too scary. So instead of a haunted house, get your thrills and chills from a mildanxiety house. Stick your hand into this pile of overdue verizon bills theres a laaaaate fee other big news from the c. D. C. On friday, they updated their official covid guidance with this scary addendum airborne particles can remain suspended in the air and be breathed in by others and travel distances beyond six feet. Kind of Important Information to just slip in there on friday afternoon. Hey, you guys, no biggie, but the virus is airborne, six feet wont save you, so youre gonna wanna wrap yourself in saran wrap and start a new life under the floorboards. Then, yesterday, c. D. C. Abruptly removed its guidance about airborne coronavirus transmission. Well, thats not comforting. Its like a fire marshall saying, if you catch fire, remember just stop, drop, and ignore everything i just said. Whos got marshmallows . The c. D. C. Is claiming that fridays disappearing airborne virus guidelines were just a draft version posted in error. Well, thats embarrassing. You published a first draft . I mean, come up with joke here about how this is embarrassing. Maybe a metaphor . Figure out later. Note cbs lawyers wont let you do jokes that involve masturbation. Really . True. Stephen that is true. We cut a good one tonight. We cut a real good one tonight. Not only that, the c. D. C. Claimed that telling the public the virus is extraairborne was just an honest mistake. I believe the medical term for that is an oopsie deathy. Maybe it was just an honest mistake, but we should take everything the c. D. C. Says with a grain salt for the foreseeable future. For instance, trump appointees delayed one c. D. C. Study for weeks, because it showed the actual number of Coronavirus Infections was likely ten times the official number, which was deemed to be in conflict with trumps messaging. Okay, so theyre trying to change reality just to fit what the president says, which is why the c. D. C. Says the new recommended serving size for foods is bucket. But as bad as trumps handling of the coronavirus has been in public, apparently in private, its way worse. According to olivia troye, a former pence aide and advisor to the Coronavirus Task force, trumps response to the coronavirus pandemic showed a flatout disregard for human life. That is rough. Its not great for a president when youre described with the same slogan as the arbys bacon ranch chicken wrap. laughter in other important stuff, just when it seemed like the coming Supreme Court battle was going to be the craziest part of our government, the Justice Department said hold my beer. And kavanaugh said gladly laughter because yesterday, in an official statement, the department of justice named new york city, portland, and seattle anarchist jurisdictions. Anarchist jurisdictions do you know what that means . Im going to guess no, because its a madeup term. Its all just part of trumps crackdown on cities that have protesters. The Justice Department has identified these three cities as having permitted violence and destruction of property and are now at risk of losing federal dollars. So, new york is a kid, and bill barr is basically saying, no allowance until you clean up their room. Except the kid in question gives the parents 116 billion dollars more in lemonade sales than the kid gets back. Its not a perfect analogy, but what do you want from me . Im living in an anarchist jurisdiction. And the anarchy is everywhere. I barely got in here tonight i had to wade through the corpses just look at the scene in front of the ed sullivan theater. Oh, my god, look at the mayhem its a oneman biker gang look delivery man what is he delivering, chaos . Whats for lunch, disorder . Those two guys both have masks. I dont know what that thats some sort of sex thing i think. The late show with Stephen Colbert. Ive heard bad things about that guy. Wat is this coming around the coroner. Thats a brinks truck. Now its so dangerous in new york, they have to deliver the money in an armored van . Whats that bold m. . Is that mayhem. Before we looked at the hellscape, trump was in ohio spraying spittle at his fans, and the commander in chief took time to brag about americas new weapons. We have the, i call it the superduper missiles, like at a level no one has ever seen before. Its hydrosonic. I call it superduper because superduper is easier for people to understand than hydrosonic. Stephen its true. Hydrosonic missiles can be hard to understand, because they dont exist. Theyre called hypersonic missiles. So, superduper missiles is actually a madeup name for something he didnt know the real name of. And i know it feels petty at this point to call out trump on the words he says, but when it comes to weapons of war, they really should matter. I mean, imagine its 1945 and you heard president truman say this 16 hours ago, an american airplane dropped a bigbang boom on hiroshima. That kablooey had more power than 20,000 tons of blowyuppy sticks. Tephen with the election only six weeks away, trump had some strong words about joe biden. Joes got no spirit. Hes dead as a rock. The only spirit hes got is spirit to beat me, and thats called a negative spirit. And, historically, that doesnt do that well. Stephen as trump Everybody Knows you cant trust the negative spirits. I know a ton of them. They keep visiting me at night showing me christmases past, present, and future. They would not shut up about my sins. I had to get a bug zapper. Trump admitted that no one likes him, but explained it doesnt matter. Somebody said, we dont like his personality. I said, i always thought i had a good personality. They dont like my personality. Who the hell cares about my personality . They dont like me, they dont like my personality but, i hate to say it, im what you need. Stephen yes, hes thoroughly unpleasant, but hes necessary. Hes americas colonoscopy. Its all on camera. You dont want to watch. It helps to be sedated for the whole thing, and its a huge pain in the ass. That trump even needs to campaign in ohio, by the way, is a bad sign for him. In 2016, he won the Buckeye State by eight points. But now, the state is a tossup. So trump told one ohio crowd just to ignore the polls. You know what they do . Its suppression polls. They try and depress you. They try and make you happy so you dont unhappy so you go out to dinner with your wife, your husband. You go out to dinner. Darling, lets have dinner. So sad. We love donald, but he just cant make it. He cant make it. Lets go out, have dinner, come home, watch the results. Stephen hey, dummy thats a terrible example. You got to update your madeup scenarios no ones going out to dinner as trump you go to dinner, you hit the movies, you get a haircut, and then lick your grandparents. I love 2020. Its not just ohio. Trumps support is lagging all over the midwest for a surprising reason hes losing ground with white voters. Et tu, whitey . In minnesota, where he won white voters by seven points in 2016, hes currently running two Percentage Points behind biden. And in wisconsin, where trump won noncollegeeducated white women by 16 Percentage Points four years ago, hes now losing them by nine Percentage Points. Thats got to make them nervous. For more insight, lets go to Trump Campaign advisor, cleavon bart. Mr. Bart, what is the Trump Campaign saying behind closed doors . Hey, where the white women at . Stephen thank you, sheriff. Well, wherever they are, its important that everyone out there vote. And today, across the country, people are celebrating National Voter registration day. And i know we said we werent going to do it this year, but i got you a present its our website betterknowaballot. Com, which has all the links you need to register to vote or check your Voter Registration status. It also has statebystate information on how to vote mailin or absentee, including videos of me walking you through most of the process. Were uploading new videos every day, as well as updating the old ones. So please keep checking back. I think were up to about 30 videos. Were up to about 30 videos right now. And that has to be most of them, right. How many states could there be . And with so many of you voting from home this year, we didnt want you to miss one of the best parts of the democinsticke you e on your stories by searching better know a ballot. We have the classic i voted, as well as the more timely, i have filled out the necessary forms to request an absentee ballot and am eagerly awaiting its arrival, at which point i will carefully fill it out and return immediately, so very soon, i will have voted so happy National Voter registration day. Register as soon as you can, and spread the word using the hashtag betterknowaballot. No masturbation jokes, still. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Desus and mero are here. But when we come back, meanwhile stick around dont be afraid, this halloween will be just like last. Well buy tons of reeses cups for the youngins. laughing then eat them all ourselves. Reeses. If sttry new align digestivetive issuedestress. All ourselves. It combines aligns probiotic with ashwagandha to help soothe occasional digestive upsets, plus stress that can make them worse. Align digestive destress. From the pros in digestive health. My psoriasis. Cosentyx works on all of this. Cosentyx treats the multiple symptoms of Psoriatic Arthritis to help you look and feel better. Dont use if youre allergic to cosentyx. Before starting, get checked for tuberculosis. An increased risk of infections and lowered ability to fight them may occur. Tell your doctor about an infection or symptoms, if your inflammatory bowel disease symptoms develop or worsen, or if youve had a vaccine or plan to. Serious allergic reactions may occur. Watch me learn more at cosentyx. Com. We love our new home. Theres so much space. We have a guestroom now. But, we have aunts. Youre slouching again, ted. Expired, expired. Expired. Thanks, aunt bonnie. Its a lot of house. I hope you can keep it clean. At least geico makes bundling our home and Car Insurance easy. Which helps us save a lot of money oh, teddy. Did you get my friend request . Uh, ill have to check. doorbell ringing aunt jonis here for bundling made easy, go to geico. Com. Hello . Your shoulder seems to be healing nicely. Im sorry baby. I dont want you to play with that. singing twinkle, twinkle little star. How i wonder what you are. How are you doing . Schedule a video visit with your doctor. Kaiser permanente. Thrive. With your doctor. Your bank can be virtually any place you are. You can deposit checks from here. And you can see your transactions and check your balance from here. And pay bills from here. Because your bank isnt just one place. Its virtually any place you are. Just download and use the chase mobile app. Visit chase. Com mobile. Welcome back to a late show. That musical tinchg ling you hear in the background and our friend and jurs, mr. Jon batiste. Hello, jon jon hello. Stephen happy National Voter registration day. Are you registered to vote, sir . Jon yes, im registered and im helping to spread the word because weve got to register now. Stephen everybody, register, go to what are we going to betterknowaballot. Com. And go reg to vote. Its important. We have to get out there. Over 40 of people didnt vote the last time, and look where we at. We have to push it. Stephen all right, you want the future you want, you got to do what you gotta do. Jon yes, indeed. And were going to do it. Were going to do it its already done stephen i understand you did something with one of my one of my friends today. My friend michelle. Jon yes. Stephen what did you guys do . Jon you know, there was such a great thing going on, on instagram where she went live for the first time and was talking to incredible people in the arts, and i was a part of that. And i played a song that was a Voter Registration ballard, to encourage us and soothe us in this crazy time. Stephen and just to be clear to everybody just tuning in, we mean michelle obama, not my other great friend, michelle fiver who is also encouraging everyone to vote. Michelle obama, all right. Jon that michelle, yes. Stephen jon, how about a little voting music. Jon oh, yeah. You got to go vote you got to go vote you got to go you got to go vote stephen i hear a hit. I hear a hit. Jon batiste, everybody. Jon yeah, baby. Stephen you know, i spend a lot of time carefully molding the paper mache of stories, decorating it with the finest and most vibrant feathers and the most bedazzling gemstone designs to create the delicate, yet haunting, venetian mask that is my monologue. But sometimes, sometimes, i like to take an old screwdriver, poke some eyeholes in a potato sack i the Texas Chainsaw Massacre hood of news that is my segment. Quarantinewhile quarantinewhile, scientists in canada have come out with a study linking bold eyebrows to narcissism. So the thinner the eyebrow, the more selfless the person . Sit down, mother teresa. Turns out the real saint is christina aguilera. According to the study, thick, dark and dense eyebrows were a dead giveaway for someone who ticks the survey options that say i have a natural talent for influencing people. makes sense. So many influencers have big eyebrows, like Kim Kardashian cara delevigne, and the most selfobsessed of all, eugene levy. Get over yourself, eugene also, welldeserved. Congratulaons. Ten bottles of new estee lauder skincare serum will launch to the space station, and nasa astronauts are expected to film the items in the microgravity environment for use in ad campaigns. Which is a gross corporate encroachment on space exploration, but still a step up from the 80s when estee lauder tested mascara on chewbacca. Quarantinewhile, an interesting tidbit is making the rounds online about costco, which has charged 1. 50 for its iconic hot dog and soda combo since 1985. Costco hasnt changed their hot dog price since 1985 . Big whoop. 7eleven hasnt changed their hot dogs since 1972. Thats so cheap, that according to a recently resurfaced bit of intel, the c. E. O. Ostc complained to costcos founder, jim sinegal, that they were losing money on the hot dog deal, to whhe effing hot dog, i will kill you. Now, im sure that was just an idle threat. I mean, if he actually killed the guy, then hed have to dispose of the body somehow, maybe by grinding it up and oh, dear lord costco hot dogs are people theyre a great deal, but theyre people quarantinewhile, a wisconsin man was shocked to discover a brain washed up on the beach. That is disgusting. When you discard a brain, you put it in the brains recycling bin. Come on everybody has to do their part. Now, youll want to know, this wasnt a human brain. But it was packaged pretty weirdly. The man who found it says he came across a brickshaped package wrapped in aluminum foil with a pink rubber band, along with pink flowers. Worst gender reveal ever. Quarantinewhile, the n. F. L. Season is under way but, of course, due to the pandemic, theyre playing to empty stadiums with prerecorded crowd sounds. Which is great, but also weird because on sunday the eagles quarterback was booed during a home game by fake crowd noise in philadelphia. Now thats commitment. Eagle fans are horrible even when theyre not there. Apparently, the simulated fan reactions were only heard by tv viewers, not by players at the stadium. That is so unfair. If the players cant hear all the booing, how are they supposed to know they suck . I just think piping in fake crowd sound is kind of a cheap trick. And my pledge to you is that we here at the late show will never stoop to it because my audience is too sophisticated to fall for that garbage, right audience . girls screaming well be right back with desus and mero. Get ready our most popular battery is now even more powerful. The stronger, lastslonger energizer max. Theres my c