Anyone with a fish stick, but you dont see mrs. Paul around anymore, do you . Trust the hortons fisherman but dont turn your back on him its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight plus, stephen welcomes jeff daniels and musical guest yusuf cat stevens featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan Theater Office building in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen hello, ladies and gentlemen of america. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Welcome to a late show. I usually say those in the opposite order, but tonight there are no rules. If you follow the news and i dont recommend it it feels like were in a tense waiting period right now, especially in new york, where people are always prepared for Something Big and unpleasant to drop, of course im talking about the m. T. A. Has announced they are going to officially ban pooping in subways and buses. Dont worry, yellow cabs, your back seats will remain a lawless swamp of human fluids. Now, if youve ever been to new york and i recommend it you know this city was built on subway excretion. Its the perfect way to cap a long day of subway masturbation. And, up til now, it was never officially banned. But now the m. T. A. Rules will specifically add defecating to the list of prohibited bodily expulsions. Wow, it made the list big week it also just made forbes 30 bodily functions under 30. So, why now . Well, an m. T. A. Official explained rules are periodically tweaked to enhance clarity, and thats the case with the addition of more descriptive language. Okay, but it really sounds like m. T. A. Employees were sick of hearing people say, you show me where in this rulebook it says i cant poop also, can i have a couple pages of that rulebook . Soften em up first. Now, it seems insane that wed have to make an official rule against taking the choo choo to brown town, but i actually think its necessary, because all the things we used to just think were common decency are now up for debate. So places like the m. T. A. Have to clarify that theres no gray area. By the way, if the area is gray, see your doctor. I think we need nopooping rules for lots of stuff people used to just know was plain wrong, like saying that if the russians came to you with dirt on your political opponent, you would listen. Or using the military police to gas peaceful protesters. Or publicly horning after your own daughter. Weve reached a point where the m. T. A. Needs to make a sign for the oval office, because right now, with the election already underway, trump and Mitch Mcconnell are about to drop trou and unload a steaming nominee on the supreme court. Because yesterday, trump told reporters that hes going to announce his pick at 5 00 p. M. On saturday. He explained on monday to his fox and friends that waiting until the weekend was just the respectful thing to do. I think itll be on friday or saturday, and we want to pay respect. It looks like it looks like we will have services on thursday or friday, and i think in all due respect, we should wait until the services are over for justice ginsburg. Stephen yes, theyre honoring the jewish tradition of waiting eight days before undermining everything someone worked a lifetime to achieve. But behind the scenes, trump is ecstatic. His Campaign Team thinks it will take the nations attention away from the coronavirus outbreak. Sure, nothing gets peoples minds off the pandemic like the death of a beloved grandmother. Now, politico interviewed trump aides about the issue, and while they were careful to avoid appearing as if they were celebrating the death of justice ginsburg, one called it super, and another said this is republican gold. You know the Trump Team Makes great condolence cards im sorry for your loss, but happy for my win its super that your gramps died goooooooold goooooooold with the election bearing down on us, trump is screaming a lot in several different places. Yesterday, he brought the rolling spittle revue to pittsburgh. But before leaving washington, he paused briefly to record tonights episode of chopper talk. Trump gave reporters a sneak preview of what he wouldnt be talking about. Why havent you said anything about the u. S. Hitting 200,000 deaths . Go ahead. Uhhh. Anybody else . Stephen anybody else . Yes. In fact, models predict about 150,000 more by the end of the year. He has nothing to say about 200,000 people dying on his watch. What a profile in courage. It reminds me of kennedys stirring words ask not. Stephen trump then departed for pittsburgh, where he talked about his relationship with his beloved melania. Last night, now, i went home, and i tell you this, i go home all the time. First lady, how do you like the crowd . Sir, i didnt see it. Stephen you call your wife first lady . And she calls you sir . What is that, some sort of sexy roleplaying where she gets turned on by the idea that she doesnt know you . Trump continued with his heartwarming story of marital bliss. Sometimes shell call me mister president , but she is only kidding, believe me. She is only kidding. Stephen as trump and sometimes she says i love you, and we both have a huge laugh. Then trump brought back his racist rebrand of the coronavirus. And to fight the china virus its the china virus. Its not the coronavirus. Corona sounds like a place in italy, a beautiful place. Its corona. No, its the china virus. Coronavirus doesnt it sound like italy, a beautiful villa . You have a beautiful corona stephen yeah, but thats because it is latin. It makes every disease sound like its italian. Hey, antonio, table three wants an order of rubella con ecoli with some shaved influenza. Thats aspicy agonorrhea trump also took a detour to Sports Metaphor corner. If i werent president you know the pressure. Your Second Amendment would be obliterated. It would maybe be gone, but at a minimum, obliterated. They havent touched your Second Amendment, not even touched it, because im here to block. I am a blocking force. I am like a lineman for the pittsburgh steelers. Stephen yeah, trumps exactly like a lineman. He eats 15,000 calories a day, and pretty sure he has brain damage. Trump then turned to the greatest antifa weapon yet groceries. They go out and buy tuna fish and soup, you know that, right . Goya, i hope they throw it. It is the perfect weight. Tuna fish they can really rip it right. Bumblebee brand tuna. Stephen that is a blatant lie. Everyone knows the official tuna of antifa is anarkist. Sorry, charlie. We believe in nothing. Now, there have been no reports in the media about any police being hit with canned tuna, but that did not stop trump from continuing his fishy fantasy they get caught. Theyre walking out there with, like, 30 cans of soup. They have, like, 25 cans of tuna. They get caught. I am bringing this home to my family. How dare you stop me. No, no, no. They use it as ammunition. It really its terrible. Stephen as trump oh, its such a clever plan. Theyre out there with the tuna and the canned soup, and when i hit them with the heat ray boom casserole. Its devious. And delicious. Well, as we just learned this afternoon, it looks like protests in the streets are not going to be dying down any time soon, especially in louisville, kentucky, where today a grand jury did not charge Police Officers for killing breonna taylor. Now, regardless of whatever the grand jury considered in this particular case, this was an innocent woman sleeping in her own bed shot dead by police. It does not seem like too much to ask for someone to be held responsible. And i think its safe to say Race Relations in america continue to be troubled, and while thats been going on for a long time, our current president has spent most of his presidency publicly inflaming them. And thats probably no accident, because today, the Washington Post dropped a new story about how racist donald trump is in private. The article quotes current and former Trump Officials who say that privately, President Trump has maintained that black americans have mainly themselves to blame in their struggle for equality, hindered more by lack of initiative than societal impediments. Thats a pretty roundabout and flowery way of just saying that hes americas racist uncle. as trump black people hold themselves back. Why didnt the central park five run a fullpage ad in the New York Times saying that i should be executed . Its sad, really. And his racism goes beyond African Americans. It goes all the way to african africans. Reportedly, when First Lady Melania Trump planned a trip to africa, he railed that he could never understand why she would want to go there. Oh, id like to solve the puzzle its very far away from you . As he is fond of pointing out, trump did enact criminal justice reform, but sources in the story say he did it to get support from the African American community. And when that failed to materialize, trump went bleep house crazy, one former official said, yelling at aides, why the hell did i do that . Yes, he went bleep house crazy and not in the way he normally does, by tweeting from the toilet. And dont worry, other ethnic groups, youre not left out. Trump brought enough hate for the whole class. Reportedly, after phone calls with jewish lawmakers, trump has muttered that jews are only in it for themselves and stick together. Donald trump saying youre only in it for yourself is like Jeffrey Dahmer telling you to be a vegan. Some former senior white house officials rushed to trumps defense, saying, this is a guy who abuses people in his cabinet, abuses fourstar generals, abuses people who gave their life for this country, abuses Civil Servants its not like he doesnt abuse people that are white as well. Ah, yes, the classic defense no lives matter and insiders argue that all president s have had problematic views on race. One former official said, Woodrow Wilson was outwardly a white supremacist. I dont think trump is as bad as wilson, but he might be. Not as bad as wilson, but he might be. Which, coincidentally, is the same thing the doctors said about trumps brain, but they meant the volleyball. So, the jury of his peers is in trumps a racist. Every day, we get more horrible news. And if youre like me, you try to escape at night by curling up with a good book, which you rest on your stomach while you spend two hours scrolling through twitter for more horrible news. And now theres a word for this selfinflicted misery. Its doomscrolling. Its the perfect name. The internet is 99 doom. The only nondoom content i take in is this Instagram Account of a dog and a duck who are best friends. And i just heard the duck is an antivaxxer. Evidently, doomscrolling is really bad for us. Experts say spending too much time on social media can be damaging to your mental health, especially when consuming too Much Negative news. Okay, thats good to know, but i will point out that my doomscrolling is the only reason i found out how bad my doomscrolling is. Doomscrolling is so prevalent now that it was named one of merriamwebsters words were watching, and dictionary. Com named it one of the new words we created because of coronavirus. And those words will replace the ones we are deleting because of coronavirus such as diet, pants, and shower. So, how do we break free of this addiction to bad news . According to clinical psychologists, some tricks to stop doomscrolling include dont use your phone as an alarm, opt out of news alerts, and replace your phone with something that brings you joy. Okay. Let me just make sure this is on silent. Beepboopbeepboop. Mmm. This is iced tea who put iced tea in my liquor flask . Read my contract. Im aware. Stephen we have a great show for you tonight. Jeff daniels is here. But when we return someones getting in trouble for putting iced tea in my liquor flask. Theres a new covid test im not kidding, who put tea in here . Cosentyx works on all of this. Cosentyx treats the multiple symptoms of Psoriatic Arthritis to help you look and feel better. Dont use if youre allergic to cosentyx. Before starting, get checked for tuberculosis. An increased risk of infections and lowered ability to fight them may occur. Tell your doctor about an infection or symptoms, if your inflammatory bowel disease symptoms develop or worsen, or if youve had a vaccine or plan to. Serious allergic reactions may occur. Watch me learn more at cosentyx. Com. Watch me knowinits hard. Re is hard. Eliminate who you are not first, and youre going to find yourself where you need to be. The race is never over. The journey has no port. The adventure never ends, because we are always on the way. Is now even more powerful. The stronger, lastslonger energizer max. You can take advantage of free eye exams and free designer eyewear. Wow uhhuh free annual eye exams, designer frames and prescription lenses. Its time to take advantage. Wow im a sustainability science researcher at amazon. Climate change is the fight of our generation. The biggest obstacle right now is that were running out of time. Amazon now has a goal to be net zero carbon by 2040. We dont really know exactly how we are going to get there. Its going to be pretty hard. But one way or another were going to reduce our Carbon Footprint to net zero. I want my son to know that i tried my hardest to make things better for his generation. Stephen hey, everybody, welcome back to a late show. Lets say hi to our friend, mr. Jon batiste. Hello, jon. Jon hi, stephen, whats going on . Stephen well, its a strange and troubling time. Im sure youve already seen the grand jury in kentucky has not returned any indictment or charges against the police who shot breonna taylor. Jon sighs its a tough day. Stephen yeah. Right now, there are protesters in the street. As were taping this right now, the curfew has not been instituted yet. I think thats probably in about a half an hour, Something Like that. So, i certainly hope things stay peaceful. I hope there isnt, god forbid, any furthe training coronavirussniffing dogs. Wait, dogs can detect the virus . Boy, i sure am glad everyday i have a nurse shove a footlong swab up my nose until it puncturs mmpalobe and just swishes it around. Sure, it scraped away a few memories, but mrs. Harrison wasnt that great of a thirdgrade teacher anyway. As far as i can remember. Before they release the hounds worldwide, the finns wants to make sure the dogs are good boys and girls, so right now, theels my god, theyre letting the dogs be pilots . Oh, i understand. Thats it, okay. But, apparently, it works great. They say the dogs can detect covid19 with close to 100 certainty. And it goes to the full 100 if the infected person also has a hot dog in their pocket. Heres one reason the dogs are so promising the current standard in coronavirus testing is something called a polymerase chain reaction, or p. C. R. , test, but it looks like dogs may actually be better at spotting Coronavirus Infections than p. C. R. And antibody tests, and they can also find people that are not yet p. C. R. Positive but will become p. C. R. Positive within a week. Dogs can tell the future . Quick somebody ask the dogs how the president ial debates go does trump loom over biden like a gargoyle . Does biden ask his supporters to telephone a website . I need to prepare emotionally. Now, i know what youre thinking youre saying, steve, lets see the dogs okay, but before we do, keep in so im sure that these virus sniffers are all nononsense, stoic oh, my god good boy whos going to save thousands of lives . You are yes, you are. I dont know whats more upsetting, that that dog is doing more to prevent the spread of coronavirus than our president , or that that doesnt surprise me at all. Heres how the process at the airport will work passengers swab their skin with a wipe, which they then will drop into a cup to be given to one of the dogs to check. Then the dog goes oooh, a cup i hope it has chicken in it. I love chicken. It tastes yummy, and it means my owner loves me, and aw, man, its just another piece of cotton. Negative. That was disappointing. I guess im never going to get chick oooh, a cup i hope it has chicken in it well be right back with very good boy, jeff daniels. What about being a member of the community . What about being a member of humanity . What if there was a membership that gave us the time to celebrate the things that connect all of us . People are waking up tog with that cowhats possible . With rybelsus®. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. Rybelsus® works differently than any other diabetes pill to lower blood sugar in all 3 of these ways. Increases insulin. Decreases sugar. And slows food. The majority of people taking rybelsus® lowered their blood sugar and reached an a1c of less than 7. People taking rybelsus® lost up to 8 pounds. Rybelsus® isnt for people with type 1 diabetes or diabetic ketoacidosis. Dont take rybelsus® if you or your family ever had medullary thyroid cancer, or have multiple endocrine neoplasia syndrome type 2, or if allergic to it. Stop rybelsus® and get medical help right away if you get a lump or swelling in your neck, severe stomach pain, or an allergic reaction. Serious side effects may include pancreatitis. Tell your provider about vision problems or changes. Taking rybelsus® with a sulfonylurea or insulin increases low blood sugar risk. Side effects like nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea may lead to dehydration which may worsen kidney problems. Wake up to whats possible with rybelsus®. Please dont take my sunshine away. You may pay as little as 10 per prescription. Ask your Healthcare Provider about rybelsus® today. Imagine the places well go. Together. Expedia stephen welcome back, everybody. He is an Emmy Awardwinning actor you know from the newsroom, godless, and to kill a mockingbird on broadway. He now stars as former f. B. I. Director james comey in showtimes miniseries the comey rule. Please welcome to a late show, jeff daniels hello, jeff daniels. Stephen, how are you . Stephen im doing okay, all things considered. How are you . Im okay. I got a little bit of a mullet going. Stephen oh, yeah, look at that. Bringing it back. Ste