Just like all my other past proteges. You are strong as an ox. You are the picture of health you are you feeling all right . I mean, i know im just a manifestation of your ego, but you seem a little shaky. He is sick. He should put his mask on and protect those around him. Shut up, crab of reason. No one invited you up here. Mr. President , please, come. We must project false confidence. Ill dictate a statement to you. I just left walter reed. whispering ive learned so much about the coronavirus. And i learned so much about coronavirus. whispering and now im better and now im better. whispering and maybe im immune, i dont know. And maybe im immune, i dont know. laughs coughing oh, no this bastard gave me covid no one ever listens to crab of reason. Crab of reason, this fall on cbs. Its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight dont mask, dont tell. Plus, stephen welcomes, Jerry Seinfeld and musical guest ella mai featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan Theater Office building in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen well, well, well welcome to a late show. I am your host, Stephen Colbert. You know, ladies and gentlemen, when donald trump first contracted the coronavirus, i thought that maybe, just maybe, he would emerge from this experience with a shred of humility, because honestly nothing would disarm critics more than if he stood up and told the world, as trump i was wrong. I learned my lesson, and i truly sympathize with the hundreds of thousands who have been gravely ill or lost their lives from this pandemic. But heres the thing, i forgot about one thing. He never does that. He never changes. Hes a teflon trout. He just swims through all the normal experiences of the world and not a barnacle of learning sticks to him. Hes the least wise person in history. Hes the antisolomon. as trump what if this time, we sewed two babies together . Right . The straw that broke my brains back was his dramatic return last night to the white house from walter reed on marine one. It was timed obviously so it could appear live on the evening news, and every bit of it was pure strongman propaganda. Here he is leaving the hospital there you go. Pump your fist, do it. Pump, pump. And then hes tapping the handrail, youre contagious. Stop touching it then back at the white house, rather than use the usual groundlevel entrance, he climbed up the stairs. Only donald trump would think climbing stairs is a feat of strength. as trump now watch me drink water with one hand, and for my final trick, i will close this umbrella. It cant be done how did you do it, mary poppins once on the balcony, kim jong don removed his mask. as trump im back from the hospital, and just to put any lingering doubts to rest ive learned nothing kneel before me, ye weak and withered, and inhale my precious droplets trump wanted this to be a show of strength, but moments after taking off his mask, he was clearly struggling to breathe. gasping still, its a strong look. Because nothing bad ever happens to people who are famous for their balconies your mussolini, your saddam, your juliets. It was all stupid, but heres the stupidest part. After leaving the balcony and going into the house, he went back out and was seen reshooting his entrance into the white house. You dont get to do reshoots of actual important events. Okay, honey oh, damn, i had the lens cap hey, doc, can we push the baby back in . Just get a shoehorn or something. Sorry, everybody back to one remember, youre in pain, and push its magical. It seemed like the whole thing was propaganda. And it really seemed like it was propaganda when they released it as propaganda stephen good goebbels. Not only was that campaign propaganda, its also a trailer for the upcoming movie, triumph of the ill. Trump coming home and taking off the mask really sends a bad message. In fact, the only thing worse than the message this sent is the actual message he sent i learned so much about coronavirus. And one thing thats for certain, dont let it dominate you. Dont be afraid of it. Youre going to beat it. Stephen once again, he learns nothing. Hes like if scrooge woke up on Christmas Morning and said, as trump ive been visited by three ghosts. Dont be afraid of them, folks, and dont let them dominate you. I just put on my bose noise canceling headphones and i slept like a ginsoaked baby. The point is, ive got to infect tiny tim with coronavirus. Somebody get me a goose. I think in that scenario hes going to lick the goose and give it to the cratchit family. I think thats whats going to happen. But trump has good reason to be positive about the virus. We have the best medical equipment. We have the best medicines, all developed recently. Stephen as trump we have the best medicine. We all have experimental treatments that nobody else has gotten. We all have the best helicopter to fly us to and from our publicly subsidized mansion that itself contains an inhome intensive care unit itself. Were definitely gonna beat this virus. Thats what we all have. Not sure about you all, though. We all have that. One of the reasons trump was feeling so peppy is that hes jacked to the nards on the steroid dexamethasone. Steroids can make you feel invincible. Ive had them. You go from i can barely stand up to ill punch a tiger in the nuts work it like a speed bag. Of course, its not the first time a president has returned to the white house on steroids. Eisenhower had a heart attack, and when he returned to the white house, he looked like this. Ike smash ultimately, trump had a simple repetitive message for the country go out and get some sick. Dont let it dominate. Dont let it take over your lives. Were going back, were going back to work. Were going to be out front. As your leader, i had to do that. I knew theres danger to it, but i had to do it. I stood out front. I led. Nobody thats a leader would not do what i did. And i know theres a risk, theres a danger, but thats okay. And now im better, and maybe im immune. I dont know. But dont let it dominate your lives. Get out there. Be careful. Stephen okay, thats a mixed message. Its like a fire marshall saying, dont let the fire dominate you, okay, you got to lead. Walk directly into the flames, you cowards be careful. Then to reinforce his call to make america a death cult again, trump tweeted, as trump flu season is coming up many people every year, sometimes over 100,000, and despite the vaccine, die from the flu. Are we going to close down our country . No, we have learned to live with it, just like we are learning to live with covid, in most populations, far less lethal adding, dont fear the reaper, baby take my hand, dont fear the reaper, well be able to fly baby im your man, coronananana needs more cowbell. Okay, first of all, what you wrote was wrong. How wrong . It was pulled down by facebook. Second, you have covid youre trying to change the subject to other diseases. It reminds me of that scene in jaws. splashing the flu still kills more people a year stephen so how did the leader of the free world catch a virus that most americans have successfully avoided . Well, it all comes down to the white houses prevention strategy they dont have one. Because instead of using proven covid Safety Measures like masks and social distancing, the white house used a test with an effective 10 to 20 false negative rate. As the sole means of determining whether employee and visitors alike were coronavirusfree, testing alone doesnt stop you from getting the virus. Thats like saying, babe, should we use a condom . And she says, dont worry about it. I take a pregnancy test every morning, so were good. The president must be feeling better, or at least feeling manic, because after weeks of back and forth with nancy pelosi, this afternoon, trump halted covid19 relief talks until after the election. That means no additional Unemployment Benefits for millions of americans who are out of work. Trumps doctors might not be telling us about what side effects he has from covid19, but one thing is for sure its not an enlarged heart. Come on, mr. President. Weve seen your taxes. You know what its like to be broke. In his tweet announcing his roidonomics plan, trump promised that immediately after i win, we will pass a major stimulus bill that focuses on hardworking americans and small business. Hes holding the American People hostage so theyll vote for him. That explains his new Campaign Signs vote trump and no one gets hurt only one little problem with that plan hes not winning. In the latest cnn poll, biden leads trump by 16 points. as trump im also going to have a plan for covid. Right after People Magazine names me the sexiest man aive. Im coming for you mcconaughey. Trump tried to reassure the nation our economy is doing very well. The stock market is at record levels, jobs and unemployment dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, also coming back in record numbers. We are leading the world in economic recovery, and the best is yet to come. That didnt quite sound enthusiastic enough. Kimberly . The best is yet to come stephen well, it could not get any worse. Is what i keep saying. Wall street saw trumps tweet about how theyre doing great and immediately tumbled 600 points. Yes, they s pd their pants. Now, agreeing to a stimulus package this close to the election was always going to be tough, but with his tweet, trump now owns this issue. One Trump Campaign staff marveled, you have to try to be this politically inept. What is going on in the white house . Where is mark meadows . Now, no one has seen him. But they did spot this ficus with legs running out of the white house. Trumps not the only one feeling under the weather. As a result of the administrations disastrous lack of covid security, at least 19 people have now tested positive who had been in recent contact with the president or attended white house or campaign events. 19 people taken down those are john wick numbers. 19 people got close enough to trump to get covid. And i want to point out, none of them were his kids. Thats got to hurt eric. as eric dad, im still up for a hug help. And earlier today, the pentagon announced that the joint chiefs of staff are in quarantine after an admiral tested positive for covid19. Luckily, if a war breaks out, theyre all ready to handle it over zoom. as general wait, im sorry, were you about to launch a missile or was i . No . Okay, you go first. Whos got the launch codes . Youre on mute what with the president dancing with the devil in the pale moonlight, its easy to forget that hes trying to drag the rest of us to hell, too. Consider the Supreme Court, where his new nominee would give conservatives a 63 majority. And we got a preview of what that imbalance might mean in the future, thanks to Supreme Court justices alito and thomas, seen here noticing that some women have full bodily autonomy. Yesterday, thomas and alito issued an opinion suggesting the Supreme Court could overturn samesex marriage. What . No not now, Supreme Court were all a little busy with the, the all of it. You cant take away gay weddings because none of us can have any weddings right now. Heres what happened on monday, the court declined to hear a case about gay marriage, but alito and thomas used this as an opportunity to attack the 2015 decision legalizing gay marriage, writing that it lets the government brand religious adherents who believe that marriage is between one man and one woman as bigots, making their religious liberty concerns that much easier to dismiss. Nope, uhuh. Wrong. Those people can still believe anything they want. They just cant force those beliefs on others. Im a catholic. I believe in giving up meat on fridays during lent. Thats my right. But it does not give me the right to go into a texas roadhouse and start knocking steaks off the tables like an angry cat. And i want to they already let you throw peanut shells on the damn floor weve got a great show for you tonight. Jerry seinfeld is here. Wont you stick around . Celebrating halloween . Well, if youre celebrating by eating reeses. Then no, youre actually late. Not sorry, reeses. Dynanana, nana, nana, eh dynanana, nana, nana, eh dynanana, nana, nana, eh light it up, dynamite shining through the city with a little funk and soul so ima light it up like dynamite cause, ahah, shining through the city with a little funk and soul ima light it up like dynamite, whoa charmin ultra soft is so soft much are you hon . Youll have to remind your family they can use less. Charmin ultra soft is twice as absorbent so you can use less. Enjoy the go with charmin. Imagine the places well go. Together. Expedia in the tubbs fire. The flames, the ash, it was terrifying. Thousands of family homes are destroyed in wildfires. Families are forced to move and higher property taxes are a huge problem. Prop 19 limits taxes on wildfire victims so families can move without a tax penalty. Nineteen will help rebuild lives. Vote yes on 19. Stephen welcome back, everybody. Lets say hello to our friend jon batiste. Hello, jon. Jon hey, whats going on, stephen . How you doing. Stephen you know whats on my mind right now is the passing of the great eddie van halen. Died today at age 65. Jon yup, the great eddie van halen, true genius, who will always be here with us through his music. His spirit is going to transcend his lifetime, for sure. Stephen ill never forget when i was 15 years old, i went and spent a couple of weeks with a friend of mine in another town, a guy named bill clark. And bill said this is 1979, i think, Something Like that, 1979. He goes, sit down, im going to play an album called women and children first. And he we listened to van halen one help me out. Van halen one, van halen two, women and children first. I remember hearing eruption for the first time. Running with the devil. Jamies crying. Unbelievable. He changed what i thought was possible with a guitar. What a genius. Jon he had his own technique. He had his own sound. I love hearing those stories from q, quincy jones would tell me about when they were recording. Stephen wait, quincy recorded van halen . Jon yes, oh, yes. He recorded van halen, and he had a technique about how he played that he would always cover himself on stage, but quincy got a chance to see it. So, you know, i love that stuff. Stephen i forgot he would turn away for his hammerings thats right. Jon exactly, exactly. His sound is you cant match it. You cant recreate that. Thats what i love about the geniuses of instruments, like the piano and guitar. Its the same thing. But they make it sound like them. Stephen well, jon, would you mind making it sound like you as we go out to talk to mr. Jerry seinfeld . Stephen jon batiste, everybody. Thank you, jon. My guest tonight is a comedian, actor, writer, and producer who has written a new book, is this anything . Please welcome to a late show, Jerry Seinfeld. Hello, Jerry Seinfeld. How are you . Stephen colbert. How are you, sir . Stephen im doing okay. Its really nice to see you again. Its been too long. Its been a long time. Stephen the last time you were here you said one of the things you liked most when you saw the show is how uncomfortable it was for me to figure out how to greet the guests after going down the two steps. Like, do i shake, do i hug . It seemed to be the one little piece of behavior that you were struggling with as you were trying to turn yourself into a talk show host, a normal person. Stephen okay. And i just always noticed but i dont think it wasnt really completely your fault. I dont think people like that moment. Stephen what what theres a lot of options and theres a lot of confusion. And now theres even more. Stephen right. And how do you like the zoom . How is the awkwardness of this . Does this feel this stinks. It stinks. You know, we like people. We want to be in front of people. Although, you and i, i think, are entertaining in any form. Stephen thank you. I i would agree with you. Yeah. Stephen as someone who enjoys awkwardness, as i was saying, in the world, not just in this, in the world do you enjoy the awkwardness you see with covid . Because you dont know, like, when necessarily to socially distance or is this the appropriate time for the mask . Ill tell you one thing i really dont care for is the little laugh that seems to accompany the elbow attempt. Stephen yeah. Theres always a little laugh like. Stephen yes. Just either do it or dont do it. I dont think its going to last. Do you think the elbow thing is going to last . Stephen no. I dont think its going to last. Stephen as soon as theres a vaccine theres going to be a great rubbing of parts in america again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stephen its all going to come back out. Theres your novel. Theres your next novel right there, a great rubbing of parts. Stephen whats it like you work out your material meticulously, like in front of a crowd. Meticulously. James you love, you love, like working out the material. I love it. Stephen no audience, how are you working anything out . Or if youre not working it out, is it driving you crazy . Im okay. I mean, i like to just write. Writing is a is a is a life mission, a way of life. And, you know, i was actually just writing before i was see that, i was over there, and now im over here. laughter and, you know, in your mind, when youre writing, everythings great. In your mind, all the material works. And then the audience tells you the truth. Stephen ive often thought that, that, like the moment i go do the material because, obviously, i have a team of writers and everything and i read the scripts and i think, oh, my god. Thats perfect sheet music. All i can do now is bleep up the way i play the violin. Do you know what i mean . I have to i have to add something to it or else i should just give the sheet music to the audience. Is that the language we use now . Is that okay . Stephen yeah, it is. Cbs cbs is fine. Really . Stephen cbs is fine bleep sucky. laughter youve got to come back to broadcast, jerry theyre getting killed by cable. Theyll let me say anything now last night i said bleep will give you bleep . And they were like, hilarious. Just do it. Every word of that sentence just got bleeped, i think, including and especially bleep . laughter im tired. Im a little tired. Im just a little tired. I apologize i apologize for the salty talk. Ive been shouting ive been shouting jokes into an altoid can and throwing it off an overpass for eight months now. I have no idea if anyone even watches this theres no that he was im not just shouting these little i watch it. Stephen you do . I watch it. Stephen thats nice, jerry. But, i mean, its sad, its sad, its sad to watch. laughter stephen yeah, its a, a catharsis either way. I like you and i like the show. You know, i watch it for somebody i want to see.