Hello, im sam water ston. You may recognize me from law order, or my personal pasta sauces where none of the money goes to charity. Tonight i will be your guide as we look at the the late show with Stephen Colberts 2020 Campaign Coverage. And while this will be a collection of some of the best moments from the late show, i assure you this is not some silly best of show. It is something much more important. Tonight, we fulfill a cotractual obligation to the network. We begin with some of colberts best monologues from the democratic primary. First, of course, the opening credits. Its a late show with Stephen Colbert 2020 Campaign Coverage special. Plus the best of candidat monologues, the best of candidate interviews and Campaign Field pieces. And Sam Waterston eating a giant sandwich. And now live on a burch of tapes from the ed sullivan theater, its Stephen Colbert trumps days are numbered. At least for his first term, because were getting closer and closer to the next president ial election. There are a lot of democrats in this thing. In fact, here are all the candidates. laughter the New York Times says are eithertrunning or might run. This theres a sniffs of course, with nearly 30 people possibly vying for the democratic nomination, its easier to focus on whos not running and well do that in my new segment not doing it donkey style. No, thanks stephen first bowing out, Hillary Clinton has announced hes not running for president in 2020. That is tough news for republicans. They still havent realized shes no longer running in 2016. laughter i stuck a voteo of volder mort in there, and you didnt even notice. Right down there. applause obviously, thats a volt. Voldermort is a libertarian. Biden has led every National Poll of democrats, without even having declared hes running. But on saturday, he may have accidentally spilled the beans. I am the most progressive record of anybody running for the if anybody who would run. applause stephen the man has not lost a misstep. Biden leads trump by 13 points. And its not just biden. In the poll, sanders beats trump by nine points, harris wins by eight points, warren beats him by 7. Buttigieg and booker both beat him by five. cheers and applause . And and somehow and somehow, bill de blasio still loses by 137 . laughter now, we are live cheers and applause thats a live thats a Live Audience right there. It is just crackling with terrorist in here. cheers and applause . Because were live after the first of two democratic president ial debates. Tonight, wednesday, was the undercard pitting elizabeth warren, cory booker, and beto orourke against seven people angling for msnbc whats your message for cardi b and her followers. I thank her very much. H3 im very appreciative to have her support. Its the matchup of the century. Look, i dont make money moves. I movie money from the billionaire class to the 99 . Im a dog. Im a flirt. And its high time we had medicare. It is high time we had medicare for all you broke hos. I know a bad bitch when i see one. Tell ririi need a three sell. After night one of the democratic debate, this is the second round of debates, so were calling it democratic debate night too many candidates to remember forget harder. Joe biden broke the ice with harris right off the top. Top. To which harris responded, i hope youre wearing a cup. Biden did well enough to stop some of the fears but not to give people that overwhelming confidence this is our guy. I think biden did okay. He came through it just fine. He did well enough. Was he amazing . Was he perfect . Was he entirely consistent . No. Stephen there you have it. Democrats have gone from, yes we can, to that will do. Ill take it. cheers and applause ill take it. Im fine with that. Jon you like that. Stephen im fine with that. But theres plenty of time, right . The election is still 16 months away. You gotta have a lot of people at first, right . Its like its like its like sea turtles hatching on a beach, okay. Lots of birds circling overhead, but there are thousands of them. One of them has to make it to the water. Plus its going to be so fun to watch those birds drag off bill de blasio. Jon oh oh stephen circle of life. Senator Kamala HarrisJust Announced she is dropping out of the race. Race. explosion there she is, off to low orbit. When it comes to not being the first female president , she was that little girl. laughter senator. Jon ooooh stephen youre welcome. laughter harris wasnt alone in leaving the race. On monday, montana governor Steve Bullock also dropped out. Unfortunately, due to his low poll numbers, bullock did not qualify to be in this joke. laughter but its hard for me not to take this a little personally because you see both harris and bullock had memorable appearance heres on the late show. Harris was on the show four times, including just two weeks ago for her last appearance on late night as a candidate. And remember who announced they were running for president on my show . Kirsten gillibrand and eric swalwell. I am officially the democratic primary kiss of death. This isnt for sure, but it might have something to do with my green wroom i store my ladder, broken mirror, and black cat collection. If im going to be a jinx, i might as well use it to help america. John delaney, come on this show. Its time. This week, mayor bloomberg met with voters in burlington, vermont, and shook a dogs face. No bad billionaire bad down, mike down the dog actually seemed to like it. So now bloomberg does the same thing with all the babies he meets. laughter there is there is just so much to talk about tonight, jon. We talked about this before. Jon yes, yes, yes. Stephen weve got the super bowl. Weve got impeachment. Weve got groundhog day. And were calling our coverage super peach hawk cock. You know what, that does not look as good as i thought it would. Lets just go with monday. Now with all the polls relatively tight, the candidates are getting nastier with each other, especially joe biden and pete buttigeig, seen here cosplaying as father time and baby new year. laughter on saturday, on saturday, biden said this about buttigieg is this a act of desperation on your campaign to be making this come on man. Making this assertion right now of mayor buttigieg. This guy is not a barack obama. Stephen is barack obama the only measure of things that are good . Oh, man, this turkey ruben is a real barack obama. Ill tell you, when im done, lets hit the road because the bathroom here is no barack obama. After her performance in the nevada debate, warren is back on the map thanks to her hammering of former new york city mayor michael bloomberg. Bloomberg had not participated in any of the democratic debates, and right off the bat, warren hit him with the bat. Id like to talk about who were running against. A billionaire who calls women fat broads and horsefaced lesbians. And, no, im not talking about donald trump. Im talking about mayor bloomberg. Jon oh stephen oh, thats got to sting. Though, we did know you werent talking about donald trump because you said billionaire. Warren cheers and applause stephen the point of that press conference was not public health, by the way. As the Washington Post put it, officials at trumps Coronavirus Briefing focused on preventing the spread of criticism of trump. Yes, and that is very contagious. Everyone i know has it. I might be patient zero. And this desire cheers and applause this desire cheers and applause got to be careful. Stier may have sensed the end was near for his campaign, because the night before he really cut loose at a rally where he joined rapper juvenile on stage for his hit back that as up. A white billionaire dancing with juvenile to a song about butts. The 2020 campaign is officially a madlib. laughter lets bid farewell to these three candidates. Jim, can you put them all up . First, mayor pete. Thank you for your campaign efforts. And it looks like jordan. Bidens already taken over his place. And now amy klobuchar, oh, joes lurg her with hot dish. She cant resist. And shes out of here and finally, we say goodbye to tom steyer, riding high off his win. applause trump also held a really last night. He was in the super tuesday state of nowk, and he pandered in a really strange way. You know, eric and laura named their daughter. You know what her name is . Carolina. Carolina. cheers and applause her name is carolina for a reason. Stephen for a reason . laughter are his grand kids named after things he needs to win reelection . These are my granddaughters, carolina and pennsylvania. Those are my grandsons, voter suppression, rust belt coal minor who votes against his economic selfinterest, and, of course and of course little ku kluxes caxkenny. I love you. Just a few days ago the pundits declared the campaign dead. I am here to report we are very much alive stephen thats right, folks they said we were dead but then they dug me up, strapped me to a metal slab, hit me with some lightning and frankensteined me back, jack. cheers and applause . So its time to say goodbye to elisabeth warren. Oh whistle here comes her horse. Ride, lizzie ride ride cheers and applause so now its down to biden and sanders. Showdown at high noon right before they both eat dinner. laughter either one of these men would be the oldest president in u. S. History, so its going to be important they choose a runny mate that is experienced, yet seems a lot younger. So. Jimmy carter. A few months ago it was great. It was the holidays. I was drunk on egg nog. I was watching cheer. I was falling in love with baby yoda. I was looking forward. I was looking forward to impeaching the from the. Remember that feeling. cheering were going to get to trump. John bolton is going to testify in the Senate Republicans are going to do the right thing its only march. laughter 2020 has done the impossible made me nostalgic for 2019. laughter . Coming up, more of Stephen Colberts best campaign monologues. Stephen youre finally going to get a chance to binge watch all that toilet paper you bought. You better watch it, jack, because im coming for it. I did not plan well. Look limu someone out there needs help customizing their Car Insurance with liberty mutual, so they only pay for what they need. False alarm. Only pay for what you need. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Vicks vapopatch. Easy to wear with soothing vicks vapors for her, for you, for the whole family. Trusted soothing vapors, from vicks we knew that this was really, really bad. We had ample forewarning. But we did almost no testing, almost no contact tracing. Completely ignored the science, completely ignored the warning signs. There were things that could have been done. A lot of people have died needlessly, and theres nothing more frustrating than feeling like youre fighting against someone who should have your back. We are not going to stamp this out unless we have a change of leadership. Ff pac is responsible for the content of this ad. Visibly fades the dark spots away. New neutrogena® rapid tone repair 20 percent pure vitamin c. A serum so powerful dark spots dont stand a chance. See what i mean . Neutrogena® dynanana, nana, nana, eh dynanana, nana, nana, eh dynanana, nana, nana, eh light it up, dynamite shining through the city with a little funk and soul so ima light it up like dynamite cause, ahah, shining through the city with a little funk and soul ima light it up like dynamite, whoa in california, were the only state where wealthy trust fund heirs get their own tax loophole. These tax cheats avoid millions in taxes on vacation homes and coastal mansions depriving our schools. Prop 19 closes this unfair loophole thats been exploited by an elite few and helps our schools, firefighters, and seniors. Vote yes on prop 19. Tell them [record scratch] the partys over. Welcome back. If youre just joining us, im Sam Waterston. And if youre just joining us now, hello, im Sam Waterston. So far, we have seen Stephen Colbert valiantly cover the chaotic early days of this campaign. But we now turn to law order theme song oh, sorry. I should take this. Hello . Stephen hey, Sam Waterston. Stephen stephen yeah, i just turned on my tv, and i see youre doing some kind of clip show episode of my show, or something . You got it, big guy. Stephen tonight was supposed to be a rerun. I dont know who signed off on this or who even let you in the building during covid, but i did not agree to oops, dropped call. Anyway, as i was saying, we now turn to Stephen Colberts monologues from march of this year. This was when the coronavirus took cold in america, forcing people to quarantine in their homes. And colbert was faced with the biggest challenge of his professional life doing monologue jokes without a tie. Take a look. Dadadadoodoo. Stephen hey, everybody hi welcome to my bathroom. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Youre watching a very special social distancing edition of the late show. The big story tonight is, all of you people, people all over america have hunkered down in their own houses to ride out the coronavirus. The c. D. C. Is saying this might go on for the next eight weeks, so get comfortable. Try to look on the bright side youre finally going to get a chance to binge watch all that toilet paper you bought. And you better watch it, jack. Because im coming for it. I did not plan well. I am coming to you from the late showsitary set. The ed sullivan my house. Plus, now ive got to wash the monkeys 53 for 20 seconds. Biden plans to continue campaigning virtually from home. It makes sense you know the old saying if it aint broke, dont fix it. And if it is broke and rising in the polls, lock it in the basement. Reportedly, the reason trump wanted this meaningful photo is because he was upset by coverage of the fact that he had been rushed to the underground bunker oned from night. One problem there was a crowd of Peaceful Protesters in the way. So he had military Police Open Fire with rubber bullets, flash grenade and tear gas. Not only is that a horrific horc abuse of the office of the presidency and our military. The tear gas is complete unnecessary. When people see trump walking toward them down the street, they naturally cry and vomit. If trump is looking for someone to blame, he should check out his reflection in the riot shields, because that new poll also says 61 disapproveof his handling of the protests. Thats not fair. Hes handling them just as well as he handles a bible. This delay in the results does not body well for november. Because you know that feeling you had between 9 00 p. M. And midnight on Election Night . Gt ready to be that drunk for five days. The point is this election is not going to be a sprint. Its going to be a marathon in that before its over, youre going to be pooping your pants and your nipples are going to be bleeding. Im back in new york city, as you can see, look. Its new york. Right there. Here, in the historic ed sullivan theaters office building. I got i got my desk calendar right here. March 12. Just left it right here, havent changed it since we left. That was the last night, right, march 12, in the studio . There it is. Okay . Ill just ill update that right now. Okay. I dont know whats going on here. laughter okay that that that feels about right. Feels about right. This is an historic announcement because harris is the first black woman and the first person of indian descent to be nominated for National Office by a major party. So trumps going to have a hard time deciding exactly how to be racist about her. I demand to see both of her birthday certificates. She was extraordinarily nasty. She was nasty to a level that was just a horrible thing. She was probably nastier she was very, very nasty. Stephen oh, my god how lazy are you . Youre just repeating what you said about hillary. Youre stuck in 2016, and thats not fair. Why should you be the only one who gets to live in a time when youre not president one person trump thinks harris was particularly nasty to is her new running mate. She said things during the debates, during the democrat primary debates that were horrible about sleepy joe, and i would think that he wouldnt have picked her. Stephen it is true. During the debates, Kamala Harris spanked biden, and trump would never work with a woman who did that to him for free. Folks, for four years, weve looked on in horror as donald trump tore down every norm in American Life from the constitution to english syntax to the definition of food pyramid. Well, tonight, tonight the democrats begin what joe biden has called a battle for the soul of this nation. But that were calling. Democrats assemble. Are you ready snoosmt to go person, woman, man, camera, tv. Stephen so beautiful. So great stephen speaking of john kasich, the former republican governor of ohio was one of the speakers tonight. He was there to underline the theme of this convention uniting america. Slightly more inspiring than the Republican Convention theme gas protesters and throw mailboxes into the sea. In lieu of a platform the rnc released a resolution of the undying support of trump. Thats not a party. Its a cult welcome to the convention, everybody. Take off your mask masks and pun your matchy nikes and maga hats. Then drink up your koolaid. Ladies and gentlemen, leaders and fighters for liberty and the american dream. The best is yet to come laughter stephen is the loud lady gone . Im scared this is the first time in my life ive had to turn down the volume on cspan. Im glad we already had our kids because i think i was too close to the tv. I might have been sterilized by that. laughter it all built to a crescendo when tim scott finished speaking five minutes before the end of the residential run time. So they just showed b roll of the white house. It ended early i cant imagine the chaos in the control room. What . Five we cant waste five minutes of prime time. Quick, send guilfoyle out there for some free scream hello, i need an object and the reason the democrats are destroying it. Thank you. Based on your suggestion of chia pet and sharia love, we