These loosely assembled dog chews will make you drool. There will be so much boneonbone action, you will need an Orthopedic Surgeon to sort things out. You havent seen anything like this since your last xxxray. And if youre into mature ladies, check out lucy, shes 3 million years old, and most of the pieces are still there. So, this halloween, come on down to the bone zone and witness the hottest bone action since youve made a hardy broth. Announcer its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, dressed for success. Plus stephen welcomes Julie Andrews and musical guest sam smith with a special appearance by amy walter, featuring jon batiste and stay homin. Now live on tape from the ed sullivan Theater Office building in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen hello welcome to a late show, im your host Stephen Colbert. Im the luck just man on television. Julie andrews is with us tonight. The president ial election is only five days away. To remember this, i wrote it down. But it looks like everyones remembering this year because early turnout is at record levels and according to oddsmakers, the 2020 election is the most beton event in history. That, i dont understand. Are the stakes not high enough already, that youve got to bet on it, too . Thats like your skydiving instructor saying as instructor before we jump, anyone want to place a bet on whether the chute opens . Ten bucks, lets make it interesting. Now, covid19 is the Biggest Issue in this election, next to daddy issues. And covid cases are exploding all over the country, which brings us to tonights installment of our possiblyrunningtil2022 segment, catch a third wave endless bummer. Let me wash over you oh, oh, sick aaahhh get out, get out currently, cases are rising in more than 40 states, and when it comes to the west and midwest, the Coronavirus Task force warns of unrelenting, Broad Community spread. Also the theme of Trumps Campaign rallies. As the Campaign Draws to a close, trump and biden are pushing opposing pandemic strategies. Biden is pushing viral containment, while trump is pushing your grandma into traffic. The differences are evident in their stump speeches. Heres biden yesterday in the swing state of wilmington, delaware even if i win, it is going to take a lot of hard work to end this pandemic. I am not running on a false promise of being able to end this pandemic by flipping a switch. Stephen hes right. Were not going to end this pandemic by flipping a switch. Were going to do it by pulling a lever. And then flipping the bird. Meanwhile, trumps platform consists of nothing but false promises a safe vaccine is coming very quickly. Youre going to have it momentarily. Stephen momentarily. Thats what they tell you when its going to be a long time, but they dont want you to walk out of the olive garden. In fact, when you call the c. D. C. , you get this message thank you for calling the c. D. C. , your lungs are important to us. Please remain locked in your house and the vaccine will be with you in the order in which you were diseased. Stephen trump assured his supporters the pandemic is almost over were rounding the turn regardless. Normal life will fully resume. Thats what we want, right . Normal life. We just want a normal life, like we had seven months ago. Stephen yeah, i miss those prepandemic days of waking up to find out what country he had blackmailed, which porn star he had paid off, and which hurricane he was threatening to nuke. You know, normal. Trump thinks that the way forward is to achieve something called herd immunity, a terrible idea where the majority of the population catches the disease, millions die, but those who survive will be able to walk among us safely, as trump demonstrated with fellow superspreader, rand paul thank you. Heres to immunity to immune people laughs laughter stephen yes, the immune people. Super douches who dont care if you live or die. Theyre the echh men thank you madd magazine. Strangely, trumps blatant disregard for human life seems to be hurting him with the key demographic of humans. The latest abc News Washington post p. F. Changs great wall of chocolate poll shows that biden is leading trump by 17 points in wisconsin. 17 . Trump doesnt know whether to be worried about that lead, or start dating it. groove is in the heart he wishes you well ghislaine stephen its not just wisconsin. Trump is playing catchup in lots of states he won in 2016. Even though trump won it four years ago, biden holds a 4844 lead in arizona. But its a dry lead. Anyway, yesterday, trump held a rally in the copper state, which i am being told arizona is, and he railed against the author of the 2018 anonymous New York Times oped, saying trump was out of control, who we found out yesterday was some guy. He wrote a phony book, which if you heard about anonymous, it was like somebody that was right next to me. I thought it might have been hope hicks, who is right there. I thought it might have been jared. I thought it might have been mike lee. I was worried about the great state of utah. I was extremely worried about rand paul. Maybe it was rand. Stephen thats a weird unforced error. as trump now that the mysterys solved, i want to make it abundantly clear i dont trust my soninlaw, or any of these people around me. They all know things that, if they spilled their guts, id be gone in a minute. Its a nest of highly knowledgable vipers. And i am just so thankful none of them has a conscience or i would be in real trouble. Trump wasnt alone. He also brought some special guests, like minority leader, kevin mccarthy, who fantasized about taking back the house i want you to watch nancy pelosi hand me that gavel, and i promise you this, i wont bang her with it, but ill bang the end to the socialism. Stephen kevin, no one wants to hear who or what youre going to bang, okay . We also dont want to hear about you licking communism, or how medicare for all is going down. Its coronavirus, okay . Stay home and bang your own gavel. With the zoom off. Trump also welcomed up arizona senator martha mcsally. They have a tricky relationship. Because trump isnt too popular in arizona, shes been hesitant to fully endorse him. Lets see if he noticed martha mcsally. Martha. cheers great. Great, martha, great. Martha, come up. Just fast. Quick, quick. Fast. Fast, come on, quick. You got one minute. One minute, martha. They dont want to hear this martha, come on, lets go. Quick, quick, quick, quick. Stephen that is rude but also kind of refreshing. Usually, its the woman whos telling trump to hurry up and get it over with. Trump really has a lot of territory to defend, because joe biden is making a late stage play for texas. as biden thats right, were goin for it, jack everythings bigger in texas remember the alamo. Also, remember where i put my glasses never mind, theyre in front of my eyes. Always the last place you look. Come on give me some of that big toast, huh . Joe could get texas that would be so unexpected, but so great like if Bradley Cooper and lady gaga became a real couple. We all wanted it so bad they almost kissed at the oscars they couldve danced to shallow at their own wedding come on, im off the deep end that deep end line got added after i left the room. I like it but that came as a surprise. But if biden doesnt snag texas, the electoral map could come down to pennsylvania, which is why trump is making a huge effort there to get out the vote. Im sorry, i misread that. Uh, throw out the vote. Because, trailing in the polls in pennsylvania, Trumps Campaign is trying to make voting harder. And its already hard enough there. In some parts of pennsylvania, theres nosetotail buggy traffic before you even get to the voting barn. Which you have to raise trumps team is trying to stop the state from counting absentee and mailin votes, presenting garbage evidence of voter fraud like this. During the democratic primary, a man named adam goodman posted this photo on instagram, in which he proudly held up two mailin ballots outside a drop box. Ahhah . Uhuh. Because one of those belonged to his husband, standing out of frame. Nevertheless, he soon found that the picture had been included in litigation the Trump Campaign filed against philadelphia. Thats right. The Trump Campaign is scanning instagram to try to shut down voting. as lawyer your honor, as you can see in exhibit a, just before halloween, the defendants dog put on a clever astronaut disguise, obviously in order to vote illegally from dogspace. Feeling anxious about tuesdays upcoming election . As i am . Well, youre not alone. According to a recent study, nearly 70 of u. S. Adults say the president ial election is a significant source of stress. Its okay. Just take deep cleansing breaths to forget about this election and start focusing on how much coronavirus you just inhaled. And democrats arent the only ones worried. According to one Mental Health expert, although the specific concerns do differ based on political leaning, the feelings that are coming up dont. Which is why theres suddenly a groundswell of support for third party ticket, prozacambien 2020 make america what were we talking about again . Thats whats going on up here in the old squirrel cage. Oh, wait. What am i reading . Who are you . Why am i not in the theater . Whats going on . Two researchers have developed a measure called the political stress indicator, which is actually higher now than it was before the civil war. Matter of fact, were so close to a civil war that ken burns is already making the documentary my dearest martha, how i miss you. I have spent seven long months in marinarastained sweatpants, unable to leave my house. Im passing the hours worrying about undecided voters in Central Florida and doomscrolling on twitter. Send nudes, eggplant emoji, peach emoji. Stephen but if youre feeling hopeless, there might be another way to perk up. Experts say that it may be more productive to focus on action, shifting the question from should i hope . To what can i do . What you can do is vote. And if you want to find out how, whether its handing in your absentee ballot, in person at this point, please, or voting early, or voting in person on election day, visit our website betterknowaballot. Com, where you can find out how to vote in your state. Do it quick. You only have five days left. Weve got a great show for you tonight, Julie Andrews is here. But when we come back, biden leads in the polls. What does that mean . Stick around. Never run dry of killer attitude. Good moves. Or hydration. Neutrogena® hydro boost. The number 1 hyaluronic acid moisturizer instantly delivers 2 times the hydration. And keeps hydrating all day long. Running dry of supple, bouncy skin. Never hydro boost. Pair with new serum for 4 times the hydrating power. Neutrogena® you make my heart sing wild thing i. Think i. You know what i think . I think you owe us 48. 50. Wild thing. If you ride, you get it. Geico motorcycle. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more. Step up. Prep up. Up. 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Or you can vote safely inperson during early voting or on election day. Vote the way youre most comfortable but vote by 8pm on november 3rd. Stephen hello, friends and neighbors. Welcome back. Quick reminder, everybody next tuesday we will be live over on showtime, for what were calling Stephen Colberts Election Night 2020 special democracys last stand Building BackAmerica Great again better 2020. As i was saying back in the monologue, the president s message of a covid in every pot is not polling great, and things are looking pretty good for joe biden. Currently, 538s election projection says the chances of biden winning the election are 89 , and only 11 for donald trump; and the economist has biden at 96 . So, thats great. Im happy . Funny, this feels so familiar. Multiple outlets do predict a clinton win. We have the New York Times putting that chance at 88 . Donald trump is not going to be president of the united states. I continue to believe mr. Tump trump will not be president. Pokemon go to the polls. Stephen ugh what happened . Is the election over yet . Snap out of it, colbert. Dont believe in the polls. You promised yourself after the last election, you would not pokemon go down that road again. And im not alone with the preelection yips. All over the country, democrats are refusing to allow themselves any smidgen of optimism, saying they trust no one. The paranoia is so bad i cant even pick a mouthwash i dont care what four out of five dentists recommend whats that fifth one know that i dont . Experts say that we need hope for the future to help ward off this anxiety, however, some americans say theyre too afraid to hope. This is likely a protective mechanism in response to the 2016 election. It feels like were all charlie brown, going to kick the football, but we know at the last second, lucys going to give us coronavirus. So can we trust the polls . Or are we trapped in an unknowable universe of chaos . Here to either calm me down or stoke my anxiety, please Welcome National editor of the Cook Political Report and polling expert, amy walter. Amy, thank you so much for being here. Well thanks for having me. Stephen now the 2016 ptsd is real. It is. Stephen remind all of us what went wrong, in retrospect . What went wrong with those polling probability predictions, whatever you want to call them, and how thats all fixed now. Right. So i dont know that i can tell you that everythings fixed and better because polling in and of itself isnt per feck, right. We all know that theres error. Stephen the famous margin of error. The famous margin of error, that is true and is going all the way back to the 70s. You know, the 538 folks went back and they looked at this election and compared it to previous elections, and the average error at the national and state polls was pretty much in line with errors weve seen in previous elections. The difference, and you pointed to it, stephen, was the those, you know, prediction model also that gave these numbers, like 88 or 72 or 67, or whatever the different numbers are. Stephen or right now at 538s got it 89 out of 100 for biden, 11, the economists, 94 or 96 or Something Like that. I dont think the problem is their probabilities, i think the problem is the way that we as people try to work with probabilities. Were not always that good about it. Its why gambling works really well and people lose a lot of money because we tend to focus on that big number, right. Thrls an 80 chance theres an 80 chance i could win all of this, great, but theres also a 20 chance that youre going to lose. So i think we spent most of 2016 focused on the 80 or whatever number that was that said hurricane was going to win, and that said Hillary Clinton was going to win, an now were spending all the time on the 20 chance that trump will win. We have to find balance there with the models. Stephen why shouldnt we look at that . Because by looking at the bigger number, we all got burned. Even trump got burned helpful didnt think he was going to win. What about the shy, silent trump voters we hear so much about that are there, pollsters cant find them but they come out of the woods and vote at the last minute . So do you believe polls have a hard time capturing all the people who are going to go out and vote, all kinds of people, especially those people who dont traditionally come out and vote . Yes. Are there shy voters, poll terrace who are ashamed to say they will vote for donald trump but they hang up and lie and say they are going to vote for joe biden . No. If you drive through the country and see all the lawn science, they arent shy about donald trump, they are very proud to tell you that they are voting for them. Its that they may not end up in a poll because they dont tend to be the kinds of folks who are picking up the phone to talk to pollsters or to answer mail surveys or to answer, you know, an internet survey. So theyre harder to find, but so are other low propence pi voters like Younger Voters or Younger Voters of color. So as we have a turnout that were expected to have thats going to go through the roof, all kinds of people are going to show up this yea