Wrong. Its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight down for the count. Plus, stephen welcomes Shepard Smith. And musical guests leon bridges and lucky daye. Featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan Theater Office building in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen welcome, ladies and gentlemen to a late show. It is 11 35 east coast time, and cbs is ready to project that i am your host, Stephen Colbert. Though theres a good chance donald trump is going to challenge that in court. And 24 hours later, we still dont know the winner of the president ial election. I win i win i win stephen get out of here go more on that later. As you can see, i am still on the election set, because the elections still going on. As we knew it would. We planned to keep this set up for days, because, covid. Its going to take a while to count all the votes and its all coming down to a few states where theyre still counting votes in north carolina, georgia, nevada, and pennsylvania a hybrid mix of the sun belt and the rust belt that im calling the does anyone have a xanax belt. But there is some big news. Today, we got a call on one of the swing states, wisconsin, a state trump beat Hillary Clinton in by a mere 22,000 votes back in 2016. Oh, my, how times have changed, because we can now confirm, joe biden has won wisconsin. Woooo the cheeseheads are now officially bluecheeseheads. So they smell weird but taste great crumbled on a salad, maybe with a poached pear, a little candied walnut. Based on the current count, biden is ahead by over 20,000 votes, or one wyoming. Thats really got to sting, because trump has continued to make such a deal about winning wisconsin back in 2016. Remember when they say, donald trump has won the state of wisconsin . Was that a great evening, or what . Donald trump has won the state of wisconsin. Out of the blue comes donald trump has won the state of wisconsin. cheers and applause remember that . They said, donald trump has won the state of wisconsin. That was a very pretty sound. And that was it. That was it. You were the one. You got us over the top. You better do it again. Stephen and, just like that wisconsin is gone, just like a candle in the wind, or a chicken nugget, in your general vicinity. Trump put a lot of effort into this state. Back in october, he appeared at a rally in green bay with quarterback brett favre. Sadly, it wasnt the first time favre had let fans down by being caught on camera with his dictator out. You can google it, but i wouldnt. Trumps mishandling of the virus may have played a large part in bidens win, because recently, wisconsin has become a covid19 hotspot. But with this win, democrats across the country can breathe a little easier except for the ones in wisconsin because, again, its a covid19 hotspot. And then this afternoon, the great state of michigan was called for joe biden. Now, if you think about michigan as a hand, biden took away votes from trump in these areas, okay. And finally what . Huh . Lets say he flipped the state. With things trending in his favor, joe biden came out this afternoon and was a grownup every vote must be counted. No one is going to take our democracy away from us, not now, not ever. America has come too far. America has fought too many battles. America has endured too much to ever let that happen. We, the people, will not be silenced. We, the people, will not be bullied. We, the people, will not surrender. Stephen yes we, the people, will not surrender we, the people, will just doomscroll on twitter until we freak out and stress eat all our kids halloween candy i know theres more three musketeers, john after all that good news for biden, in a move that just reeks of desperation and cheap cologne, with a million votes still uncounted, Trumps Campaign manager came out of the blue to announce, we are declaring a victory in pennsylvania. Bold and i fully expect his victory in pennsylvania to be just as successful as his victory over coronavirus. Gosh, i hope his announcement doesnt overshadow me declaring myself people magazines sexiest man alive. laughter i sensed a power vacuum. In the sexy sphere. Im coming for you, mcconaughey. One reason for the delay in the other states is the massive amounts of mailin ballots. And those last ballots to be counted appear to be largely for biden. Early on, things had looked pretty good for trump. We had been warned this would happen, in what experts called a red mirage which is either the character Elizabeth Olsen plays in the marvel movies, or putins code name for trump. Now, i know its hard to wait for nevada and pennsylvania results, but just 24 hours of waiting has given biden arizona and wisconsin. And michigan. So, ive just got one bit of advice just play it cool, boy. Whats fonzie like . Cool. What . Cool. Correctomundo. Attempt to be cool. All right, everyone, chill. Stephen thats bipartisan advice. That last guys a republican. Thank you, doctor. If covid has taught us nothing, its that patience is valuable. Remember when the pandemic started, a trip to the Grocery Store would last eight hours because you had to wipe down every single grape before you put them in the refrigerator . This is the same thing. Were wiping down every single ballot before we put them in americas fridge. And, hopefully, while were at it, well end up throwing out that spoiled ham we bought four years ago. So waiting is clearly the right thing to do. Of course, one person who always fails the marshmallow test is donald trump, because last night at 12 45 a. M. , with millions of ballots uncounted and biden ahead in the Electoral College and the popular vote, trump tweeted, we are winning big, but they are trying to steal the election. We will never let them do it. Votes cannot be cast after the poles are closed first of all, youre literally not winning. Second, i really dont think you mean that spelling of poles. as trump i hate it when the poles close. All the dancers leave the stage, and youre left alone, totally broke, covered in glitter and spittle. God, i miss those girls, especially my favorite stripper of them all red mirage laughter so, thats not good. But, you know, tweet schmeet. Its not like right after midnight he marched into the east room and declared victory and said stop counting. He waited until 2 00 a. M. For that. We were getting ready to win this election. Frankly, we did win this election. Stephen there it is a power grab by a terrified strongman in the dead of night. Classic. If theres anything 2 00 a. M. Is known for, its desperate moves by sad little men who are afraid to go home feeling like a loser. Now, the minute he opened what i legally have to call his mouth, everyone knew this behavior was wrong and unamerican. And not just democrats. Trump was condemned by folks like chris wallace, rick santorum, and Chris Christie. These people are hardly liberals. For petes sake, Chris Christie has stood by you through thick and thin. In fact, he stood so close by you that you nearly killed him with covid then, ol tater dick put the dick in tator, when he threatened to end the vote count. So we will be going to the u. S. Supreme court. We want all voting to stop. We dont want them to find any ballots at 4 00 in the morning and add them to the list, okay . applause stephen first of all, i dont know why i need to say this to the president of the United States, but theyre not finding them. Theyre counting them. If you recite the numbers one through ten, you dont find the number seven you count to it, pass it, then keep counting, and realize that oh, yeah, biden clearly won wisconsin. Plus, the president of the United States cant ask for voting to stop. Hes only the president because of voting. Voting is americas whole thing. Thats like arbys changing their slogan to we must stop the meats laughter they really they really must, by the way. There are limits. laughter there are limits to even americas meat needs. I beg you, arbies. Dont make us take you up before the hague. After going full frontal fascist, trump went full whiny baby. We were getting ready for a big celebration. We were winning everything, and all of a sudden, it was just called off. Literally, we were just all set to get outside and just celebrate something that was so beautiful, so good. Stephen so beautiful, so good . Well, you were celebrating the otters who hold hands while they sleep . laughter because id vote for that. You might think all that was just the act of a tweakedout maniac coming off his dexy, until this afternoon, when he put his mussolini where his mouth is, and his Campaign Said it would sue to stop michigan and pennsylvanias ballot counts. So if youre keeping track, trump is now trying to obstruct the count in. Im sorry, im being told the Trump Campaign is suing to stop us counting the number of states they are suing to stop the count in. Okay, and that this is i have nothing in my ear. This is just my hand. Okay. I have something here, but i took it out, because chris is trying to control me luke a puppet. laughter its a long story behind it. Lets earn it. By the way, evy is here. Evy is here, everybody. There you go. Thats why im in a good mood tonight. No other reason. Heres some other results i can tell you. As usual, the state that got us into this mess was florida. Every four years, democrats hope theyll take it. But once again, last night, florida was called for donald trump. Florida is oficially americas cheating boyfriend. Why do we always think we can change him . Democrats also had high hopes for flipping texas, which would have been quite a feat. Texas hasnt gone for the democrat since jimmy carter back in 1976. And they didnt even really want to vote for him, but they had to after he ate that 72ounce steak. Thats the rules. Well, last night, texas remained texas, because it was called for donald trump. Even after he bungled the coronavirus. Texas may remember the alamo but, apparently, they have forgotten the 230,000. Wyoming was a bit of a shocker for anybody who has never been to wyoming. For the rest of us, we saw it coming when it went donald trump. Makes sense, given that the state symbol is literally a man who has totally lost control of the situation and hanging on for dear life. Speaking of big electoral wins rhode island isnt one of them. But, nevertheless, Vice President biden has won the state of rhode island, just narrowly beating out the states thirdparty candidate calamari marinara. Social distancing at the polls was particularly difficult in rhode island, because if you stand six feet away from the next guy, youre in connecticut. Biden has made some i like that joke. I are recently been to rhode island. Its a lovely state. Hello, rhode island. Biden has made some inroads in the upper midwest, because minnesota has gone for joe biden. Thats right princes home state wants to party like its 1999, or any other year with a democratic president. And in the middle of the night, we got results from americas most islandy state sorry, rhode island hawaii. As expected, hawaii has gone for joe biden. The Trump Campaign is expected to contest the results, claiming most of those votes were actually cast in kenya. And thats exciting because and you probably dont know this because he never talks about it joe biden is actually friends with one very famous hawaiian, who shall remain barack obama. But were still not sure who will take control of the senate, but we do know some results. For example, in my home state of south carolina, the surprisingly tight senate race has been called for lindsey graham. And graham gave a moving victory speech in which he thanked the president. Hes a racebaiting, xenophobic, religious bigot. You know how you make America Great again . Tell donald trump to go to hell. Stephen so beautiful. laughter weve got a great show for you tonight. Shep smith is here. Yeah, that shep smith. But when we return, Ballot Initiatives tempted . Stick around. Br 25 of your mouth. Listerine® cleans virtually 100 . 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Common side effects are nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, stomach pain, and constipation. Some side effects can lead to dehydration, which may worsen kidney problems. Onceweekly ozempic® is helping me reach my blood sugar goal. Oh, oh, oh, ozempic® you may pay as little as 25 for a 1month or 3month prescription. Ask your Health Care Provider today about onceweekly ozempic®. Now roomba vacuums exactly where you need it. Alexa, tell roomba to vacuum in front of the couch. And offers personalized cleaning suggestions for a clean unique to you and your home. Roomba and the irobot home app. Only from irobot. Roomba and the irobot home app. Bubbles at this price . Is this for real . Oh, its real. Believe me. I mean this is upexpected. You would say. Remarkable . Absolutly. A remarkable deal. Thanks. I get that all the time. Wait. What . grocrey outlet jingle stephen welcome back, everybody. Lets say hello to our friend, mr. Jon batiste. Jon, how are you doing . Jon hello, hello. Stephen how are you feeling tonight . Jon man, its like walking on a tightrope. Stephen were getting dangerously close. Dangerously close to hope. Jon yes, like oooh i hope theres a net down there. laughter its a lot, man. Its so much. Stephen well, i just i just hope we can be back together soon. Listening to you guys play makes meantime to hear you more. Jon you know, music is a beautiful thing, and the last four years that have led to this moment have been a pleasure to do with you. So thank you so much for stephen oh, its been a pleasure doing it with you. You have been you have been a great source of energy and positivity on this show, and your beautiful band, your beautiful music, has made every day better, you know. Good, free, fine with me. laughter jon yes, thats right i love that stephen stay free. Im going to miss you at thanksgiving this year, im afraid, my friend. Jon yeah. Stephen well catch you next year. Jon understandably. We will get together again. I believe it. Stephen jon, could you give us a little music for the moment . Jon oh, yeah, yes. Stephen falling leaves. Jon batiste, everybody. Thank you, jon. Jon thank you, stephen. Stephen friends and neighbors, last night wasnt just about the fate of democracy. It was also about getting high, because voters across the nation, americans of all stripes voted yes on the proposition you guys party . First, the Recreational Marijuana was legalized by new jersey voters. So we might finally get an answer to the question what if Chris Christie got the munchies . In washington, d. C. , voters passed a measure to decriminalize the use of magic mushrooms. Now that is wait a second, are we sure d. C. Didnt decriminalize mushrooms four years ago, and this has all been a bad trip . Because that would explain a lot, like why trumps commerce secretary is a mummified count chocula. laughter out west, theyre taking it a step further, because oregon has become the first state to decriminalize hard drugs like cocaine and heroin. This has upset a lot of people, but on the plus side, it will bring millions of jobs in the tiny sandwich bag industry. Its not just drugs. There were other promising ballot measures last night. Mississippi approved a new design for its state flag, which had been the last one in the country to feature a symbol of the confederacy. Now, i was hesitant to celebrate this until i knew what theyre changing it to, because i would not put it past mississippi to give that Confederate Flag its own Confederate Flag. Fortunately, they did not do that. Their new flag has their state flower, the magnolia, and the phrase in god we trust, which narrowly beat out mississippis other motto, you say our name when youre counting. But its not all good news. California voters voted yes on something called proposition 22, a ballot measure funded by Companies Like uber, which lets them deny their workers healthcare, unemployment insurance, and other benefits. Sure, in the middle of a pandemic, i think we all want to be stuck in a car with someone who cant afford to go to the doctor. As the election has reminded us, our country is painfully divided right now. But some courageous souls are still pushing for Common Ground specifically, the gap, which this morning debuted a new blue and red hooded sweatshirt, using the tagline, the