Announcer its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, a joe new world plus stephen welcomes Stacey Abrams and Thomas Middleditch, featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now live on tape from the ed sullivan Theater Office building in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey, everybody there you go welcome to a late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. I want to give my wife a glass of champagne. You have been a rock the last couple of weeks. Thanks so much. Ladies and gentlemen, joe biden did it hes our next president im so happy i want to share this moment wit you, my audience, i wish we could all be together in the theater, instead of being stuck in this converted storage room but thats not going to stop me from firing the tshirt cannon come on chris, catch this. Come on, catch it okay, jimmy, thats enough. Ill fire that thing back up. Ready at a moments notice. Every time someone growns at one of my jokes, it is go time bleep . Hear that . That means its working. There you go. Finally, after four years, americans can exhale. Unless youre near other people. Then please dont. Pandemic. After bidens victory was announced, people everywhere flooded the streets, from times square to denver to san diego to miami to atlanta. That is the biggest president ial rally of all time. Not a good sign when the majority of americans react to you losing your job the way they did to us getting bin laden. It feels like america is. Whats the word. Great again . And the chanting, oh, the chanting. Heres a group in d. C. ymca ymca stephen perfect troll, both because the ymca was trumps big rally song, and because, after working for trump, i think its where steve bannon is living. Not to be outdone, this is what the celebrations looked like in l. A. all i want for christmas is you oooh baby stephen wow, trump was right. Were finally saying Merry Christmas again fun fact, this weekend a song called bleep donald trump hit number one on itunes. Although party in the u. S. A. Is refusing to concede. And it wasnt just america, people o took the streets to celebrate in canada, ireland, india, the forest moon of endor, zion, people were singing in the rain, and ultimately, trump tower collapsed. Go back to the shadow, donny now, while im happy, im also ecstatic. Im also a little tired. And im a little concerned. Weve got a raging pandemic, the biggest budget deficit in history, we pissed off every country except those ruled by dictators. In short, our Long National nightmare is different. So we cant be complacent. We have to put our heads down and keep doing the work. Starting tomorrow. For now come on, chris, do the wave thats good. Thats good. You know that second one was coming. Wasnt scripted. Just said stephen dances. Doesnt say anything about taking your head off with two pounds of cotton. laughter its all love, baby. Its all love. After the good news was announced, president elect biden and Vice President elect harris took to the stage in delaware. First up was kamala harris. This is a big deal. Harris is the first female Vice President , first black Vice President , first south asian Vice President the first Vice President to pull a kickass allwhite power suit though, to be fair, for trump, every suit is a white power suit. Harris acknowledged her place in history. The generations of women cheers and applause black women, asian, white, latina, native american women, who, throughout our nations history, have paved the way for this moment tonight. Women who fought and sacrificed so much for equality and liberty and justice for all. Including the black women who are often, too often, overlooked, but so often prove they are the backbone of our democracy. What a testament it is to joes character that had the audacity to break one of the most substantial barriers that exists in our country and select a woman as his Vice President. cars honking stephen that is the first time in the history of mankind iit was nice to see a woman get honked at hey, baby. Way to shatter that Glass Ceiling you look really good in that executive branch oh, yeah then, she introduced the man of the hour, the vice so nice hes going to the white house twice it is now my great honor to introduce the president elect of the United States of america, joe biden cheers and applause stephen look at him running laps around trump by running at all. Biden had a message of unity i pledge to be a president who seeks not to divide, but unify, who doesnt see red states or blue states, but only sees the United States. Stephen i look forward to getting there, too, sir. After six days of bingewatching steve kornacki, red states and blue states have been burned into my retinas. When i close my eyes, all i see is the map of pennsylvania. And theyve updated bucks county allegheny then the president elect addressed his opponents supporters directly and compassionately. For those of you who voted for president trump, i understand the disappointment tonight. Ive lost a couple of times myself. Stephen wait a second, admitting that youve ever lost . Why isnt he talking about shower pressure and how windmills give you cancer . He didnt even wish an accused child sex trafficker well. So unpresident ial so biden harris, theyre next up. But with all this talk about our new president elect, weve still got a president reject. And ill discuss his fall from glory in a segment im calling its rigged donald trump road from the white house. Stephen its been two days since the election was called for biden, and as of this taping, donald trump has refused to concede. Thats fine. Until he does, i refuse to remember his name. What was it . Uh. Ronald clump . Baldin grunt . It will come to me. The president has been holed up in the white house tantrum pantry, where things are so stressful, the daily mail reports his staff is lighting rosescented candles in an attempt to soften the environment, and to combat the smell of fastfood delivered to the president. Just a preview of the intense destankification the bidenharris team will have to do. Might be best to just replace the resolute desk with a giant glade plugin. The lame duck president hasnt always been this particular about the electoral count. In fact, as sharpeyed newsman John Dickerson pointed out, back in 2016, when donald trump gave his acceptance speech after clinton conceded, the electoral count hadnt reached 270. Thank goodness he didnt tweet stop the count back then or else. Nothing would have happened. They count all the votes, thats how democracy works, president grunt he also hasnt appeared in public since thursday night, when he rallied the nation with his hopeful message, my fellow americans, stand back i have a heat ray. But some of his lackeys have been more than willing to step up and embarrass themselves. Like trumps attorney and man showing where hes gonna get his prison tattoos, rudy giuliani. Giuliani is accusing everyone in america of voter fraud, and he held a press conference for trump on saturday, which trump announced on twitter would take place at the four seasons, philadelphia. Which is a lovely hotel. But he quickly corrected that to four seasons total landscaping. Now, how this happened is unclear. My guess . Incompetence. One theory is that someone in the campaign mistook the venue for a luxury hotel. Embarrassing, but not the first time Something Like this has happened. After all, who can forget when f. D. R. , stalin, and churchill met at the yalta discount toilet emporium. Flush defuehrer mistake or not, they held the press conference at the loading dock of the landscaper. Heres what it looked like thats quite an image. Projects power. Looks like the penguin announcing layoffs to his henchmen. Looks like a storage wars episode hosted by the crypt keeper. It looks like the dedication of a new Performing Arts Center at chernobyl. Although its possible giuliani goes there all the time. I wouldnt be surprised if his dentist requires landscaping tools. Even worse, but also somehow better, four seasons total landscaping is right by a crematorium and an adult video store. Makes sense. The Trump Campaign is somewhere between screwed and dead. In the presser itself, giuliani announced a unique theory as to how philadelphia went so strongly for biden. In philadelphia, they keep the vote of dead people secret. At least that is something that you can be commended for. There are dead people voting, no question about it. Stephen forget about dead people voting, theres a dead guy holding a press conference right outside the crematorium someone call the ghostbusters so, the president doesnt want to admit that its over, but it is. And when he leaves, you know what im looking forward to . Sleep. But also, the possibility that, for the first time in four years, we will be able to shift our collective focus away from him onto anything else. Maybe each other. Wouldnt that be nice . I got up this morning, walking down the steps, and i just felt all this available brain space. And there isnt anything occupying it yet. Its like a clean kitchen counter where something could be made if were just not cluttering it up with that guy. Saturday afternoon right after we heard joe had clinched the Electoral College, we were on the porch, and i sat down and just started crying with relief, and evie said, you never have to talk about him again, and then i cried with joy. Now, obama was a charismatic guy, a lot of people accused him of being a celebrity, but there were whole days when you didnt think about him. Remember that . Probably not because you werent thinking about him. I think it helped us sleep that we knew that obama slept. For the last four years, if you were up late doom scrolling, youd see the president up douche tweeting. Im also looking forward to, i dont know, people being nicer. Including me. One of the things about this job that i have found is that i tend to reflect back the national tone. And that tone comes from the top. The president s only emotions are angry, look at me, and im angry youre not looking at me. And because he was the only thing we were focused on for the last four years, and this is entirely my responsibility ive done harsher jokes than ive ever done in my entire life. This is why they say dont wrestle with a pig, because you will both get filthy, and the pig likes it. And also your pig impression hasnt gotten any better in four years. But mostly im looking forward to the idea of knowing things again. The last four years have been an assault on objective reality. He doesnt want you to know anything what causes global warming, how many people showed up to his inauguration, whats in his taxes, how much his hair costs. By the way, mr. President , how is that glued on your head . Well, i dont think science knows, actually. Stephen what does he mean, science doesnt know . Science means knowledge, yo know how i know that . Science computer science. I googled it. Weve spent the last four years debating the value of the enlightenment with a reality show host. If the president were there when the apple hit newton on the head, he would have called gravity a chinese hoax and the apple, tim apple. Personally, i think its better to know than not to know. The last four years has proven that ignorance . Less blissful than advertised. Thats why this week has been so hard. Turns out, its not easy to hold an election during a pandemic, and thanks to the massive mailin voting, it took a while to get the results. Though the president would like you to believe we will never know who really won this election. But we know its joe. And come january 20, ronald clump will know it, too. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Stacey abrams is here. But when we return, joe bidens first actions as president elect. Okay, one more time. Come on whoa stick around. Never run dry of. Killer attitude. Or hydration. Neutrogena® hydro boost. The 1 hyaluronic acid moisturizer delivers 2x the hydration for supple, bouncy skin. Neutrogena®. In a whole new way. Now roomba vacuums exactly where you need it, and offers personalized cleaning suggestions for a clean unique to you and your home. Roomba and the irobot home app. Only from irobot. Room[phone rings]obot home app. Sore throat pain . 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Its not a cure, but with one small pill. Biktarvy fights hiv to help you get to and stay undetectable. Thats when the amount of virus is so low. It cannot be measured by a lab test. Serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems and kidney failure. Rare, lifethreatening side effects include a buildup of lactic acid and liver problems. Do not take biktarvy if you take dofetilide or rifampin. Tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take,. If you are pregnant or breastfeeding, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. If you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking biktarvy without talking to your doctor. Common side effects were diarrhea, nausea, and headache. If youre living with hiv. Keep loving who you are. And ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you. Stephen hey, welcome back, ebbed. Lets say hello to our friend mr. Jon batiste. Hi, jon. Hello, whats the word, stephen . Whats going on . Stephen the word is all things are possible. Jon thats right, a lot of history has been made. Come on, come on stephen i want to change the subject slightly. Did you ever get a chance to meet alex trebek . I did not. Of course, ive watched jeopardy i feel like sips before i was born. Stephen i just wanted to take a quick second to tell you and the people out there a very quick story about alex. On the very last episode of the colbert report, my character gets on a sleigh and goes off to abham lincoln and santa into eternity because ewe didnt know what to do with this guy. We thought about this six months before we did it. It was talking to jon stewart and i said i want it to be lincoln, santa and me and there has to be a fourth person, im not sure who id want to spend eternity with, and he goes, alex trebek. I said, thats exactly right. So i called up alex and say, would you do this and he said, i would be happy to, but may i ask, why me . I said, youre a cultural figure up there with lincoln and santa and looks like you would be a nice guy to spend etern with, and he said, then i would be so happy to. I want to say to everyone spending eternity with alex trebek, congratulations, you have a kind man joining you now. Jon amen, amen. Stephen jon batiste, everybody. Of course, as much as were all celebrating this undoubtedly good news, theres still that nagging horror movie feeling that ive forgotten something, and coronavirus is about to jump out of the closet with a chainsaw. This weekend, the United States passed 10 million coronavirus cases. And the u. S. Has the most reported covid19 cases of any country in the world. Aaahhh , aaahhh , but, for the First Time Since this administration surrendered to the virus, there is hope that things will get better. On monday, i will name a group of leading scientists and experts as Transition Advisors to help take the bidenharris covid plan and convert it into an action blueprint that will start on january 20, 2021. That plan will be built on bedrock science. Stephen thats great and, if we accept all the bedrock science, we can also get our cars off fossil fuels and biden made good on his wacky new trust scientists plan today, when he unveiled his covid19 advisory board. A group of Public Health experts almost all of whom are doctors. I dont know if i can trust this group. Doesnt have one president ial soninlaw and, farce i can tell, none of them invented a pillow. This board is a whos who of whos smart. You got viveyk morthee, Surgeon General under obama, marcella nunezsmith, from yale, and most delicious of all rick bright, the trump whistleblower, whose dire early warnings about the pandemic went ignored, and who was ultimately fired after speaking out. Rick brite. Ooh, thats gotta sting, mr. Trump not only is biden taking your job, hes also dating your ex and you know they spend all their time laughing about how tiny your plan was. But dont worry, and then also worry, because this administration is still in office, and they are hard at work pretending to be hard at work. Because today, for the first time in weeks, mike pence hosted a White House Coronavirus task force meeting. Awwwwkkwwaard as pence first item on the agenda is anyone here hiring . Meanwhile, actual people who know stuff are doing. Things. Pfizer, the people who make viagra, Just Announced that in trials, its vaccine was more than 90 effective in preventing the disease. The fastest successful vaccine trial of all time after hearing that, if your erection lasts longer than four hours, same. And Pfizers Covid trial isnt the only good news. Today the dow surged more than 800 points in its biggest rally in five months on the Pfizer Vaccine news and the news that joe biden was declared victorious. as biden hey wall street, how ya like me dow . laughter and, of course, the president chimed in stock market up big, vaccine coming soon.