Its from dead people. The results wont matter because. Its the most important of our lifetime. Hanging in the balance is control of the senate, which republicans need to check joe biden. Who will never be inaugurated. Trump won the election by a lot votes will be run in this. By gay liberal dogs. Go to the. Rigged polls. And vote. Pointlessly. For a darker tomorrow for the United States of ascareica. Were the g. O. P. And we need medication. No we dont, who told you that . Announcer its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight send out the clowns. Plus, stephen welcomes Olivia Colman and Gillian Anderson and musical guest, Kylie Minogue featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan Theater Office building in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey, everybody cheers welcome to a late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Its been five days since it became clear that joe biden won the election, at which point the current president refused to concede, duct taped himself to the resolute desk, and slapped a sign on the oval office door that says no dems aloud. He is like a toddler too hopped up on sugar to go to bed. Theres no reasoning with him. You just have to let him tire himself out, wait until he falls asleep on the kitchen floor, and hope he hasnt conspired with the dog to stage a coup. And ill give you the latest in my overin70days segment coup detat coup detat coup detat coup detat the road from the white house. Stephen well, buckle up, buddy boys, because getting this guy out of office is going to be a bumpy ride. Yesterday, the administration removed Senior Defense officials and installed loyalists, triggering alarm at the pentagon. And im being told we have footage of that alarm. I won i won i won iwaaah stephen president s dont usually sack top defense officials when theyre planning to leave office in a couple of months. One defense official put it this way this is scary. Its very unsettling. These are dictator moves. Yes, but they have inspired an exciting new maroon five remix the moves like stalin ive got the moves like stalin ive got the moooooves like Stalin Stephen if thats not dictatory enough for you, dear leader was unhappy with these officials in part because they resisted the president s entreaties to make available military weaponry, including tanks and jets, for trumporchestrated holiday displays. Because its not the thanksgiving day parade until you see santa riding on his christmas nuke so, its a little concerning. But you know whos not worried . President elect and founder of the septuagenarian fight club, joe biden. Biden was asked about what effect the president s tantrums were having on the incoming administration, and he said this well, i just think it is an embarrassment, quite frankly. The only thing that. How can i say this tactfully . I think it will not help the president s legacy. Stephen nicely played. But at this point, what could hurt his legacy . Its like finding out Jeffrey Dahmer illegally parked in handicapped spots bad, but the ledgers pretty full. And sos the freezer. Biden continued i am confident that, the fact that they are not willing to acknowledge we won at this point, is not of much consequence in our planning and in what we are able to do between now and january 20. Stephen you know what . It feels good that ignoring the president is now so president ial. Bidens advisers dont seem too concerned though, viewing the g. O. P. s legal and p. R. Efforts as a comedy of errors. Yes, its just like shakespeare the president s fraud claims are much ado about nothing because hes pulling these accusations of fraud right out of his coriolanus. laughter of course, members of the losing campaign claim theres plenty of evidence. Take White House Press secretary and winter sorceress spreading frost on flowers, kayleigh mcenany. Mcenany was on the fox news last night, socially distancing from reality, and she provided this ironclad case. We keep hearing the drumbeat of where is the evidence . Right here, sean, 234 pages of sworn affidavits. These are real people, real allegations, signed with notaries. These are real, and anyone who cares about transparency and integrity of the system should want this to pursue to the discovery phase. Stephen well you never said they were printed on paper. In that case, ive found even more proof. In the form of thee affidavits that onto look like thai food moneyues. And exhibit two its labeled and everything voter fraud enjoy the go it wont roll off my finger. Okay. Theres a reason the white house has had such a hard time finding fraud. Some states have incredible standards for election transparency, like vermont, where officials have already published complete president ial results for every single town. Were talking burlington, stowe, montpelier, roxbury, xtrasharp roxbury, ben, and jerry, cranberrycandle, and the peoples collective of west hemp ponchotown. And whats extra fun is that you can also see the full list of all 1,942 writein votes for president , a big chunk of which went to senator bernie sanders, with 619 votes, or. 17 of the total. as bernie that puts me in the top 17 of the bottom 1 right where i want to be and i promise that this impersonation is not going anywhere, unlike the impressions of other losing president ial candidates. Feel the bern, beeeeottch i figure that ones growing on me too. Im losing it, im losing it tonight. Other celebs receiving writein votes include Dwayne Johnson joe pesci, kiefer sutherland, tea leoni, keanu reeves, betty white, wutang clan, melissa mcarthy, john stewart spelled with an h, so not that jon stewart, just some guy named john stewartand oprah winfrey, who, because she got six votes, is now legally the comptroller of brattleboro. as oprah its time to issue municipal boooonds why do i why do i do this . Its kind of bordering on kermit yay im oprah there were also some brave attempts to spell the names of actual politicians, including tussli gabbard, mike hinekabee, the ticket of kasic and budttigig, former governor a. Skidgewomzemegger, and tord sandwich. Unbelievable. Its not that hard to spell lindsey graham. But the one actual writein candidate who may be taking this loss the hardest is h. P. Lovecraft prehuman god of madness, cthulhu. This is a devastating loss for cthulu. Since the election, the great dreamer has been hunkered down in the underwater city of rleeyay weighing his legal options. Mcconnell believe it is 100 within the rights of this earthly manifestation of eldritch horror to look into allegations of voting irregularities. Whats the downside of humoring him for this little bit of time beyond our concept of time . No one seriously thinks hell rise from the boiling seas to spread his tentacles and melt mens minds with visions of noneuclidian geometry. Except for his close ally abholos, a grey festering blob of infinite malevolence also known as bill barr. The news coming out of the administration right now is pretty scary. But it helps that some of it is also deeply stupid, like this story about republican activist and vice principal who called you in to ask if your mom got his flowers, dean browning. Browning has been very vocal in his support of the outgoing president. On sunday, he tweeted, what trump built in four years, biden will destroy in four months. Whoa, dean, theres no way itll only take only four months for biden to disassemble his chicken bucket fort. I know so far this story seems pretty ordinary, but heres where it gets weird. After browning posted that tweet, a twitter user pushed back, saying that the president had only taken credit for obamas accomplishments, to which browning responded im a black gay guy, and i can personally say that obama did nothing for me. My life only changed a little bit, and it was for the worse. Well, it certainly did change for the worse you turned into some pasty straight white guy named dean browning. Reminds me of the famous lincolndouglas debate, when lincoln made a great point in favor of abolition, and douglas replied im a black gay guy, and i can personally say that slavery rules. Now, if youll excuse me, i have to go do black gay guy stuff. Heres what people think happened browning is likely the owner of another twitter account, one claiming to be a gay black man who loves trump, and he simply forgot to log in to it before posting the reply. Yes, he was trying to do something deceptive, but instead did something idiotic, a move known in political circles as the full rudy. End of story, right . Wrong. Because, my friends, heres where the weird gets strange. Hours after his gay black man tweet, browning posted, regarding the tweet that is going viral from my account i was quoting a message that i received earlier this week from a follower. Sorry if context was not clear. If context was unclear . You didnt even put it in quotes. The only thing that could have made it less clear would be if you had signed it dean browning, straight, white woman. So did dean make a mistake or did he tweet a random, unattributed quote . Well never know. Except we might, because heres where the strange weirdness gets odd. After browning tweeted out his explanation, a reporter stumbled onto what he believed was the fake account that dean was trying to post from, tweeting you know who replies to dean browning a lot . dan purdy, a gay black trump supporter who joined twitter in october, with links to purdys twitter account showing his avatar of a cartoon black man in a beanie. Okay, case closed and then reopened, because heres where the odd, strange weirdness gets fishy. After the reporters scoop, the dan purdy twitter account posted this video hey, guys. My name is dan purdy, and i am, indeed, a gay black man. Stephen well, my name is Stephen Colbert, and i am here the message that you saw on deans twitter was posted i dont actually know how it was posted, but i did send it to him. No, im not a bot. I hope you understand. Stephen no, i dont understand and if youre confused, too, strap em if you got em, because heres where the fishy, strange, weird oddness gets bizarre. After purdy posted that video, reporters pointed out that purdy looks exactly like a man named william holte, otherwise known as byl with a y holte, otherwise known as the adopted son and nephew of music legend Patti Labelle. Oh, why didnt you say so . If id known that from the beginning, it wouldnt have helped at all well, do you have anything to clear this up, Patti Labelle . Bocca chocca latta, yaya stephen that clears that up. Weve got a great show for you tonight. My guests are the crowns Olivia Colman and Gillian Anderson. But when we return, goop has a new holiday gift guide, and so do we. Stick around. Sport mode it is. Lets see what this baby can do. Or. We could check out that Farmers Market . No you know what . Ill be in chill mode. button click if anyone needs me. Propilot assist with navilink. Available on the allnew nissan rogue. When panhe doesnt justs mmake a pizza. He uses fresh, clean ingredients to make a masterpiece. Taste our delicious new flatbread pizzas today. Panera. My gums are irritated. I dont have to worry about that, do i . Harmful bacteria lurk just below the gum line. Crest gum detoxify works below the gum line to neutralize harmful plaque bacteria and help reverse early gum damage. Crest. Hello hello there he go, my baby never answers in the room steps outside, or puts it on snooze he just do whatever he do ou ee ou ou ee ou hello hello hello hello hello hello visibly fades the dark spots away. New neutrogena® rapid tone repair 20 percent pure vitamin c. A serum so powerful dark spots dont stand a chance. See what i mean . Neutrogena® is now even more powerful. The stronger, lastslonger energizer max. Surprise ahhh yes i love it you dont have to spend a lot to give a lot to the ones who mean the most. Youve got the holidays, and weve got you, with the best bargains ever. At ross. Yes for less natures bounty is here for you. Ready to take your immune support to the next level . S, and weve got you, the number one herbal supplement brand has everything you need to help keep your immune system strong. Immune support comes naturally with natures bounty. Yep get the gifts you love. Yesss . For everyone on your list. Youve got the holidays, and weve got you. With all the gift for less. At ross. Yes for less stephen hey, everybody, welcome back. Lets say hello to jon batiste. Hello, jon. Jon oh, hello, hello stephen happy birthday, my friend jon hello, yes, see that, man. You see, time is moving on, and im just trying to be present. Cats got to know whats happening in the moment when its happening. You see . Stephen are you having a good birthday . Is that whats happening in the moment right now . Jon yes, thats whats happening. Its my birthday. I always love that my birthday is on veterans day, celebrate the veterans, and i have veterans in my family. And i also wanted to just send love out to everybody in this time. You know, when tension is coming to me on my birthday im sending the love right back. Louis armstrong used to give gifts to people on his birthday. Stephen thats lovely. Jon i love that kind of stuff. Stephen hobbits do that in lord of the rings. They give other people presents on their birthdays. Jon i like that a lot. Stephen i want to say this about the veterans, too, we want to send love out to all the veterans out there, especially right now, and especially those coming back from service overseas, because its so important for them to be able to see their families, especially around the holidays, but right now, they cant because of the covid quarantine and the inability to travel freely in the United States. So if you know a veteran out there, especially somebody who has just come back, send them a lot of love these holidays. Because this isolation that everybody is feeling right now, theyve made that sacrifice for us for years so that we could be safe over here. Got anything for the veterans there, jon. Jon oh, my good. The veterans, this is my rhapsody for the veterans. Stephen jon batiste, everybody. Thank you, jon. Happy birthday. Folks, we are still in the midst of a global pandemic, with a whiteknuckled grip on our republic, so its the perfect time to remember whats truly important buying things. And who better to guide us than lifestyle guru and grownup hansen brother, gwyneth paltrow. Cuz its the most goopiful time of the year its the release of the goop holiday gift guide. And this years offerings do not disagoop. Like this 1,995 acrylic ouija board. Ooh, somethings coming somethings coming through. It says you. Are. A. Sucker. Goop also has a number of foodthemed gifts on offer this year, like this 240 german oat flaker. Because you cant be flaking your oats like some filthy swede. Have some selfrespect, mein herr and you might be saying, stephen, dont all oats come preflaked . To which i say, why dont you go enjoy your pickled herring, ya damn swede. Thats not all. Goopeth is also recommending a 210 bed lamp made of bread. Just remember dont fill up on lamp, or you wont have room for your. Table . To be clear, this thing is really bread. The goop lists the ingredients as bread flour, cake flour, salt, yeast, l. E. D. Lights, and power cord with dimmer switch. So it wont work for all diets. Oh, sorry, im keto. Do you have a meat lamp . Joe rogan says only eat lamps that cavemen used. If youre more of an analog food fan, might goop interest you in this tsukeea kaban watermelon bag. Also handy for carrying the gigantic balls you have to be swinging to own a bag exclusively for watermelons. How much will this melon satchel set you back, you ask . Well, keep asking, because the price is only Available Upon request. So its really two treats in one you get the watermelon bag and you get to ask, excuse me, how much for that watermelon bag . And when the revolution comes, the peoples tribunal can just pop your severed head in there. And for any soontobe moms out there, theres the Stiliyana Minkovska custom birth sill for 7,500. Perfect for all those expectant mothers who woke up thinking, i like being pregnant, but i wish it was more expensive. Now, you may be thinking hey gwyneth, its a pandemic, goop the room. And youd be right. This is an outoftouch cash grab that exploits peoples desperate need for comfort during this trying time, and daddy want in. Its time for my own highend lifestyle brand, covetton house. Baroque simplicity. Shabby elegance. Give me money. Covetton house. Stephen welcome, welcome, friends, to covetton house where we believe pandemic is just an anagram for dim pecan, which is what you would have to be to want to buy our stuff. Here at covetton house, we know that for many americans, this Holiday Season looks a little different. Covid19 has created money worries, such as, im worried no ones gonna come take my money well, were here to help. Hungry . Look no further than covettons 920 bread made of lamp. Just throw some ham and cheese between two delicious, shardfilled slices, and youve got yourself a highfiber upscale bowel perforation. Good news for all you health nuts our bread is made of all Natural Power cords, dimmer switches, ceramic bases, shattered bulbs, and loose tungsten wire filaments. But gluten free. Now, if you like fortune telling that costs a fortune, then youll love our 6,800 diamondencrusted magic8 ball loaded with every response you could possibly need, like yes, your chauffeur is stealing from you and yes, definitely, rodrigo, your scuba instructor bodyguardturnedfiance should sign a prenup. If youre looking for a stylish way to carry your produce, look no further than the covetton house blueberry briefcase. Its the most stylish way to say, i dont eat very much. How much for the blueberry briefcase . Its a surprise because the price is only available after you pay. But heres a hint it costs more than the grapefruit duffel, but less than the cantaloupe bjorn. And for anyone who just gave birth on a 7,500 birthing sill, covetton has you covered for your postpartum needs with our 20,000 mahogany pumping table. Simply lay facedown on the smooth comfort of this rich, stiff honduran mahogany, line your breasts up with the sterling silver pails, and let gravity do its thing. I think. Not sure how all the lady stuff works. And remember covettons products come with the exact same guarantee as those from goop in a pinch, you can put all of them in your vagina. It balances your kundalini, or something. I dont know. Again, its all its all a m