And fuhaul does a thorough job removing all the related garbage. So call fuhaul today. Remember our motto get em out of here announcer its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight plus, stephen welcomes Matthew Mcconaughey and cedric the entertainer featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan Theater Office building in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey, everybody welcome to a late show. I am your host, Stephen Colbert. Ill get right to it, bad news first. The president is actively working to undermine our democracy, usurp the will of the people, and hold onto power, in violation of our constitution. Good news he is really bad at it. The president is desperate to somehow throw out the votes for biden, but like Everything Else in his administration, its been a race between autocracy and incompetence. And with this crowd, incompetence is usain bolt, who makes it across the finish line, steps in a bucket, and gets his head stuck in a toilet. Ill tell you all about it the in coupnanigans in tonights edition of tune of three blind mice dead people vote dead people vote i saw them vote they are zombies they vote, and then they eat some brains they gave biden the state of maine it makes sense if you snort cocaine dead people vote the road from the white house. Stephen hes got a really lovely voice. Considering how hard hes working to keep the job, the president sure isnt doing much of it. For the 11th time since the election, his schedule today listed no public events. Maybe thats just how he observes quarantine he never leaves the house, unless he knows hes spreading the virus. Apparently, el president e has even canceled his plans to travel to maralago for thanksgiving, deciding to stay in washington instead. Smart move. The minute he steps out of there, you know theyre changing all the locks. But as much as he wants to deny reality, the potus who lost the voteus cant escape it. For instance, when he looks out his northfacing windows, he can see the reviewing stand for bidens inaugural parade being reerected on his front lawn. Its like watching your wife go out on a date with someone else on your front lawn, getting reerected. And this time, a lot of people are going to show up to watch. But the president is running out of time. One by one, the states are starting to certify the results, and that will be the end of his one term. And before that consummation devoutly to be wished, the republicans are throwing some pretty disgraceful hail marys. Take yesterday in michigan. The canvassing board of the states largest county, wayne county, which includes detroit, is half republican, half democrat, to make it nonpartisan. But last night, the two republicans refused to certify the results, and the board ended up deadlocked 22. Oh, what a todo to try today to deadlock 22, a thing distinctly hard to say but harder still to do. clears throat sorey, im all warmed up. Heres what happened. The two republicans claimed to be concerned that in detroit, there were minor discrepancies, in which the number of votes cast did not match the number of voters listed as having shown up to vote. This is something that happens everywhere. So its outrageous that the republican chair said she would be open to certifying the vote in communities other than detroit. Oh, hell, no you cant disenfranchise motown each one of those votes was signed, sealed, delivered. You cant turn our democratic process into a ball of confusion just to appease the tears of a clown. I could go on. Upohes telling me not to. Whatever the reason racism was the reason the president s team was thrilled, especially Campaign Legal adviser and woman telling you youll never leave this timeshare seminar alive, jenna ellis. She tweeted, breaking this evening, the county board of canvassers in wayne county, michigan, refused to certify the Election Results. If the state board follows suit, the republican state legislator will select the electors. Dont know if this is your first coup detat, but youre kind of giving away the game there, jenna. And as long as youre writing fascist fan fiction, why not just go for it then the tanks will roll through the streets, and we will arrest everyone with an i voted sticker and change the National Anthem to y. M. C. A. , but this time, the Village People is all cops. The president was also thrilled with the fall of democracy, tweeting, wow michigan just refused to certify the Election Results having courage is a beautiful thing. The u. S. A. Stands proud just one problem with the president s premature celebration the president tweeted those words at the exact moment the two republicans on the board decided they didnt want people pooping on their front lawn for the rest of their lives and agreed to certify the results. The president s tweet is like that moment halfway through star wars when darth vader says this yavin 4 had it coming. Big win for the empire. Having courage is a beautiful thing. The death star stands proud. explosion oops stephen kind of cute when he does it. So why did the republicans back down . Well, turns out, voters arent that keen on having their votes thrown out. And after news of the deadlock got out, the board held a meeting for public comments, and requests to join the zoom call quickly went beyond capacity. You know something is terribly wrong when people voluntarily join a zoom call. Now, the two republicans in question are wayne county canvassing board member and hottest guy on farmersonly. Com, will hartmann; and fellow board member and woman singing all the words to golddigger at the kentucky derbys karaoke night, monica palmer. Turns out, the public was not shy about letting them have it personally, especially this guy i just want to let you know that the trump stink, the stain of racism that you, William Hartman and monica palmer, have just covered yourself in is going to follow you throughout history. Monica palmer and William Hartman will forever be known in southeastern michigan as two racists. The law isnt on your side, history wont be on your side. Your conscience will not be on your side. And, lord knows, when you go to meet your maker, your soul is going to be very, very warm. Thank you. Stephen well, thank you for telling me ill be spending eternity burning on a lake of fire. Ill pack something light. Oh, you also say i can go pleasure myself . Again, thank you. It would be consensual. After three hours of being pelted with rocks and garbage, the meeting went on mute for five minutes, and when it came back on, hartman informed the crowd that they had just voted unanimously to certify the results. So thats it . Thats all it took . Its that easy to stop your devious plan . For petes sake, if all fascists were that weak, we could have avoided world war ii with one propaganda poster hey, hitler, is that a mustache, or have you been kissing mussolinis ass . Things are also going poorly youre shake your head on that one. Did i go too far . Do you think i hurt hitlers feelings with that one . Things are also going poorly for the president in pennsylvania. The state Supreme Court did not believe their lie that they were not allowed poll watchers, which was quite a blow for the president s lawyer Rudy Giuliani, seen here putting air quotes around the word lawyer. Yesterday, rudy was making the same makeup observer argument in federal court on the other side of pennsylvania, when he got taken down by his old nemesis words. Because as he was reading his own teams complaint to the judge, he said, im not quite sure i know what opacity means. It probably means you can see, right . To which the judge said, it means you cant. To which rudy said, big words, your honor. To which the judge said, you are an imbecile, to which rudy said, wrong, your honor im an italian. In another example of closing the barn door after the cows voted for somebody else, the president is still firing anyone who dares challenge his dexyinduced fever dreams. Case in point the u. S. Top election cybersecurity official and treasurer of the dead poet society, christopher krebs. Last week, krebs Agency Issued a statement declaring, the november 3 election was the most secure in american history, and he regularly fact checks the claims and conspiracy theories being pushed by the president , his allies, and supporters around the country. And it surely got under the president s honeyglazed skin that krebs twitter page says keep calm and count on and his profile pic is. Uh, im gonna guess, storebrand captain america . Kirkland steve rogers . The superhero on the childrens flipflops you bought at the dollar store . Anyway, true to form, last night, the con artist soontobe formerly known as president tweeted the recent statement by chris krebs on the security of the 2020 election was highly inaccurate, in that there were massive improprieties and fraud, including dead people voting, poll watchers not allowed into polling locations, glitches in the voting machines. Therefore, effective immediately, chris krebs has been terminated. How can he be this bad at crimeing . Yeah, copper, i know, you got me, i have the right to remain silent. Now give me all your money and nobody gets hurt evidently, the president s tweets caused a disturbance in the force, because Luke Skywalker himself, mark hamill, responded, translation the recent statement by chris krebs was highly accurate, in that there were no improprieties or fraud, confirmed by all credible 2020 Election Officials sworn under oath to be truthful. Therefore, he has been terminated for refusing to lie for me, your liarinchief. Wow, Luke Skywalker is a jedi master and a political pundit. Youve got to give the guy a hand. Seriously, his father cut one of them off. When krebs saw hamill had weighed in, he responded, in defending democracy, do or do not, there is no try. This is the way. Protect2020 damn, krebs bringing the nerd cred talk like yoda, krebs did verbs to the end of sentences, krebs moved and here i thought he was a halfwitted scruffylooking nerf herder. And krebs remained defiant after his firing, tweeting, honored to serve. We did it right. Defend today, secure tomorrow. Strong. Bold. But i will point out that he spelled tomorrow, tomrorow. But who am i to judge . Thats not how we spell it today, but it could be how we spell it tomrorow. As far as im concerned, this man is an american herorow. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Matthew mcconaughey is here. But when we come back, Kamala Harris goes back to washington. Nerd cred. Renew active. Only from unitedhealthcare. Think it solve it try and crack it breathe it calm it and renew it aarp staying sharp is part of renew active. Get medicare with more. Aarp staying sharp is part of renew active. Only at target. Its black friday now. This week save on electronics, family apparel, tvs and more. This week only, with new deals every week. Its black friday, now. At target. Push the button the time has come to galvanize visibly fades the dark spots away. New neutrogena® rapid tone repair 20 percent pure vitamin c. A serum so powerful dark spots dont stand a chance. See what i mean . Neutrogena® where inspiration lines theres athe shelves. An go for giving gifts so thoughtful, youll outdo the elves. If you want a christmas youll always remember, this is the place to spend less, and gift better. T. J. Maxx, marshalls, and homegoods. Hello hello there he go, my baby never answers in the room steps outside, or puts it on snooze he just do whatever he do ou ee ou ou ee ou hello hello hello hello hello hello make yoat ross ays happen. Surprise ahhh yes i love it you dont have to spend a lot to give a lot to the ones who mean the most. Youve got the holidays, and weve got you, with the best bargains ever. At ross. Yes for less yep get the gifts you love. Yesss . For everyone on your list. Youve got the holidays, and weve got you. With all the gift for less. At ross. Yes for less stephen hey, everybody, welcome back. Lets say hello to mr. Jon batiste. Hello, jon. Jon thunder, thunder and lightning thunder. Stephen the band sounded great just now on that bumper, big sound. How do you get such a big sound with youre all apart . Its all in the engineering, i suppose. Jon yeah, and in the hands of the players. You have to just channel it, you know. Were trying our best to make it feel good in this quarantine time. Stephen jon, im going to miss you thanksgiving. The people out there may not know, but for the last four, five years weve been having thanksgiving together. Jon yeah. Stephen and are you going to be at your at your special special quarantine place . Jon yeah. Ill be quarantining. Ill miss you, and ill miss having my family come up, because they usually come up. Stephen your mom and dad usually have dinner with us, too. Ill tell you what im going to do for you would you like some of the charleston biscuits. Would you like some of the cheese biscuits . Jon oh, yes please. These biscuits, coldblooded stephen theyre pretty good. Theyre pretty good biscuits. I will have my motherinlaw ship you the biscuits. She will be so happy to do so. Do you have any music to get people ready for some happiness for the holidays . Jon yes, indeed. I want a biscuit i need it right now i want a biscuit oh, let me tell you how stephen i smell a hit. I smell a hit. Jon batiste, everybody. It might be the biscuits, but i think im smelling a hit. Jon yes, indeed have a good one. Stephen folks, before we get to it, i just need to let you know that the Second Season of of our cartoon president right there, of which i am the executive producer, is available now on d. V. D. So go out, get this dvd, and then find a dvd player. Maybe try sifting through the rubble of an abandoned blockbuster video. I dont know. And if you still cant find a dvd player, i think its going to be available on laser disc, at some point, or marionette show at some point. Or edison wax cylinder very soon. Theyre doing talkies this year. Even if you dont have a dvd player, its just really nice and shiny. I bet your kids could whip it at each other on christmas morning. Go get it. Go get it. Do i get a piece of this . Do i get a little taste . Does daddy get a little taste of this . I got biscuits to buy. Okay, here we go. Speaking of shiny new things that were all happy about, yesterday, Kamala Harris was back in the senate for a routine vote, and it was a big deal, because it marked the first time she was on capitol hill since becoming Vice President elect. Its like coming home from your first year at college and meeting up with your old friends. Oh, what did you do last semester . Oh, you got bangs . Thats cool. I defeated the most dangerous president in american history, no bigs. You guys want to do brunch . She was there to vote against one of the president s Federal Reserve board nominees, and it was a good thing she was there. Because had harris missed the vote, Vice President pence would have been called to break the 4848 tie. She blocked him there hasnt been a Vice President ial smackdown this intense since spiro agnew piledrived Hubert Humphrey at the rumble in the rotunda it really should be the thunder in the rotunda, dont you think . There it is. Now, youd think harriss appearance would be awkward, because nearly all of her republican colleagues have joined the president s fantasy island in denying her victory. But she did get congratulations from several folks across the aisle, including this fist bump from lindsey graham. That could have been a cordial exchange, or she could have just been blocking his punch. Because hes got the forearms of a premie kitten. Heres the thing senator graham has been actively trying to get bidenharris votes thrown away, legitimate votes, throw them out. But he explained that its all in good fun, and that he was just saying hello. I havent a seen her in a while. If it works out and they make it, i told her i wish her well and try to work where we can. We will know here in a month or so, or less. Much less. Like, negative two weeks. Because its over, lindsey. She won. You sound like the best man at a wedding saying congratulations to the couple i really think these two could one day fall in love and get married. Till then, me and Rudy Giuliani are going to be shamelessly hittin on the chick in the white dress. Republican senators swore that congratulating the Vice President elect does not mean theyre hypocrites. Senator James Lankford told reporters, the election is not settled. If someone walks right up to you, you say, hello, congratulations. cool, man. Nice save. Woah, woah dont get it twisted. I do not respect the will of the voters. I just have manners. To everyone i meet, i say, hello, congratulations. On having been said hello to by me. when were back, ill be joined by the sexiest man alive, emeritus, Matthew Mcconaughey. The thunder in the rotunda ok. captain turkey. Captain is the greatest spiced rum of all time. Thats right. The goat. Good. Did he pay you to say that . Yes. Give me my money back. The number of farmers shrinks and shrinks though the bungers work doesnt get any easier. Or the day any shorter it does get a helping hand. Because mcdonalds sources from farms like theirs to keep your family fed. So were not only feeding communities. Were helping grow them. And ask your doctor about biktarvy. Biktarvy is a complete, onepill, onceaday treatment used for hiv in certain adults. Its not a cure, but with one small pill, biktarvy fights hiv to help you get to and stay undetectable. Thats when the amount of virus is so low it cannot be measured by a lab test. 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