So pick up hallmarks the dr. Atlas holiday card collection today because dr. Atlas says to ignore the c. D. C. And dont fear the pilgrim reaper. Announcer its a late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, hes dying up there. Plus stephen welcomes ll cool j, dave grohl and musical guest foo fighters, featuring jon batiste and stay homin. Now, live on tape from the ed sullivan Theater Office building in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen welcome to a late show. I dont know why im yelling. Welcome to a late show. Its just you and me. Im Stephen Colbert, your host. Mark, chris, evie is here. Always a lovely night. Youre looking lovely over there. Folks, as you always do thats not news. Folks, as much as its hard to contemplate, our nation is in the grips of a seemingly endless plague, and he wont leave the white house. Its been 12 days since the president lost the election and he continues to pursue his strong legal argument of but i dont wanna ill catch you up on the latest president ial selfpity party in my sadomasochistic segment one, two, a recount, a coup, three, four, a civil war five, six, we are huge dicks road from the white house stephen i think huge is generous. The president ial legal team is on a bit of a losing streak. After dismissing their last remaining federal lawsuit in michigan this morning, they are one to 29 for postelection litigation. The president s just fulfilling this Campaign Promise we will have so much losing if i get elected that you may get bored with losing stephen but the bad news is not stopping trump lawyer and phantom of the sex shop, rudy giuliani. Earlier today, giuliani held another press conference to spout his conspiracy theories. Unfortunately, it seems like four seasons total landscaping was booked, so this event was held at the headquarters of the Republican National committee. Still, the same amount of manure was involved. Even though the Pennsylvania Supreme Court already ruled that gop observers had appropriate access to the recount, rudy kept complaining they couldnt see the counting. And he cited the legal precedent of. A joe pesci movie from the 90s. We could do, like, a did you all watch my cousin vinny . You know the movie . Its one of my favorite law movies, because he comes from brooklyn, and when and when the nice lady said she saw and then he says to her how many fingers do i got up . And she says, three. Well, she was too far away to see it was only two. These people were further away than my cousin vinny was from the witness. They couldnt see a thing. Stephen okay, now i even feel bad for the women up there with him. They got all dressed up, just to have a man explain all the details of a movie he likes . as giuliani so, sometimes they call him gollum, but sometimes they call him smeagol. He actually refers to himself as we and precious. anyways. Any of you ladies wanna help me tuck in my shirt . By the way, my favorite law movie is the one where borat tricks you into going to a Hotel Bedroom and. Pound your pants gavel. If it please the court, your honor, may i approach the crotch . And it seems like the press conference was getting a little hot, because partway through his presentation, rudy sweat so much that his hair dye started running down his face. Either that, or he had so much to drink he was sweating merlot. Jimmy, do we have another angle on that . Remind me is it a good sign when your lawyer starts melting . Looks like rudy got a bad batch of just for henchmen. Thats not just hair dye it looks like his hair is dying. Rudy dyed his hair, but his head is challenging the results. Evidently he had his hair styled at jiffy lube. Now, obviously, its easy to make fun of rudy here, but its also very satisfying. Heres the thing rudy and the rest of the president s attorneys do not specialize in election law. But they insist theyre the right people for the con job. This is an elite Strike Force Team that is working on behalf the president and the campaign to make sure that our constitution is protected. Stephen yes, an elite strike force seal team sucks. A few people in the Administration Must have seen the writing on the wall though, because advisers have started talking to the president about what the end looks like, using the word conclusion rather than concession. Theyre talking to him like hes a threeyearold. Mr. President , you didnt lose, your Campaign Just went down the big boy potty. Theyre also using phrases like going into retirement, instead of going to jail. But theyre not putting much effort into it. Heres the president s chief of staff yesterday, responding to a reporters question about voter fraud you said youve seen specific voter fraud examples what are those exactly . It would be too long to get into and litigate it here. Stephen as meadows i have tons of specifics. I left them with my canadian girlfriend. Let me just text my her. Uhoh, my dog ate my canada. So the end may be in sight, which is good, obviously, but also, its kind of sad. Because this is the most fun ive had in years. For ten days, weve been able to watch the president lose over and over again. Lose the election, lose the recount, lose the lawsuits its like chanukah we thought there was only enough stupid to last for one day, but miraculously, it just keeps going. Also, im just pounding down fried potatoes with apple sauce. One person whos not enjoying the attempted coup is head of the General Services administration and woman who is either 14 or 40, emily murphy. Murphy has received a lot of criticism for not releasing funds for the Incoming Biden Administration to begin their transition. Which apparently has been rough on. Her . According to her friends, she is struggling with the weight of the president ial election being dropped on her shoulders, feeling like shes been put in a nowin situation. Shes right, it is a nowin situation. Because when it comes to a second term, her boss no win. Since the election, murphy hasnt made any public appearances, and everybodys been waiting for her to make a statement. And she finally did last night, when she tweeted dcccf rex zzz z smann anann. Hope im pronouncing that correctly. Either thats an accidental tweet, or shes trying to call forth some sort of lovecraftian creature from another dimension. as murphy from the depths of dcccf rex, i call forth to thee, atsmannanan, separator of darkness from light, rend asunder the thin veil of reality and send forth cthulu and cvfefe hope i didnt do that too powerfully. I dont want to summon another worldly demon. One thing the president has not been doing is. Anything. But he has decided to continue one longrunning tradition he will pardon the annual thanksgiving turkey at the white house on tuesday. Given all the covid outbreaks at the white house, the turkey may want to opt out of the whole ceremony. as turkey thanks, but ill take my chances with the hatchet. gobbles the president isnt the only disease vector getting ready for thanksgiving. The pandemic is threatening to turn the holiday into a superspreader event. And ill catch you up on all the depressing details in my viral segment catch a third wave endless bummer seasons greetings stephen wheres my sprite . Or my spray bottle. Yesterday, we crossed a horrible threshold in the epidemic. Because the coronavirus has now killed a quarter of a Million People in the u. S. , and at the current rate, the disease is killing at least one american every minute of the day. Unlike in the spring, when things were bad, right now things are bad everywhere. As of yesterday, 47 states had at least 10 more new daily cases. In fact, only hawaii has seen at least a 10 decrease in new cases. Makes sense. In hawaii, aloha means both hello and put on your bleep mask. There are so many new cases that the New York Times had to update how they do covid maps. Yesterday they explained, the outbreak has become so bad in parts of the country that our old scale no longer showed any variation n severity, everything was just solid red. So, heres how they changed it. as official as you can see, minnesota is a deep aubergine, while nebraska is a soothing burgundy, and my pants are Holding Steady at a code brown. There are so many cases all over the country that today, the c. D. C. Recommended against all travel for thanksgiving. But if youre going to do it anyway, theyve issued some tips on doing it safely, like encourage guests to avoid shouting. How is that going to work . At thanksgivings, shouting is a side dish. timid, polite uncle randy . Id like to encourage you to use your inside voice when you share your feelings that george soros is pushing the gay agenda with sugarfree gum . But the c. D. C. s most drastic suggestion is to encourage guests to avoid singing. Well, come on are you saying families wont be able to sing all those beloved thanksgiving carols . Well, luckily, you can still enjoy them all, with this seasons hottest holiday album the pandemic may have canceled your turkey day sing along but you can still listen to the sweet sounds of the thanksgiving carols you love in one new album called i am jams. Enjoy all the holly gobbley hits have yourself another spoon of gravy let your heart just die. And who can forget rockin around the castle roll its a green bean happy time and everybodys favorite cranberry sauce cranberry sauce cranberry sauce cranberry sauce we even included randy the red nosed uncle hes had way too much to drink well never let poor randy ever hold his baby niece and then this classic. Jiggle fat jiggle fat i have gained some weight and for our jewish friends. Stuffing stuffing stuffing stuffing i would eat stuffing stuffing stuffing, it kind of tastes like feet seasons eatings, everybody happy thanksgiving. Thats what i call i am jams. Order now stephen weve got a great show for you tonight. Ll cool j is here, and later a performance by foo fighters. But when we come back, meanwhile join us. Ever wonder what retinol dermatologists use to fight wrinkles . Its what i use neutrogena®. The 1 retinol brand used most by dermatologists. Rapid wrinkle repair® visibly smooths fine lines in 1 week. Deep wrinkles in 4. So you can kiss wrinkles. And other wrinkle creams goodbye rapid wrinkle repair®. Pair with our most concentrated retinol ever for 2x the power. Neutrogena®. My psorii had enough s pain . Its not getting in my way. Joint pain, swelling, tenderness. Much better. My psoriasis, clearer. Cosentyx works on all of this. Four years and counting. So watch out. I got this watch me. Real people with active Psoriatic Arthritis look and feel better with cosentyx. Cosentyx works fast for results that can last. It treats the multiple symptoms of Psoriatic Arthritis, like joint pain and tenderness, back pain, and helps stop further joint damage. 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Push the button the time has come to galvanize stephen hey, welcome back, everybody you know what time it is, time to say hello to jon batiste. Hello, jon, good to see you. Jon hey hear that . Stephen what beat is that . What rhythm is that . Clov . Jon yeah, yeah hey, hey stephen i have a serious question for you. Remember last night we were talking about those biscuits from charleston. Jon oh, my goodness. Oh, yes, yes. Stephen okay, so i got family working on this, but they need to know, does this go to kenner or is this going up here . Which way do you want it to go . It would be nice to give some to the family. I wont be down. I wont be at kenner, but it would be nice to give some to the family. Stephen we would send two. Weve got top man on it right now. Jon oh, yeah. I got the book, too the book wow stephen did you get it . Jon oh, my goodness those songs, thats going to that is going to enrich my life in ways i dont even know yet, so thank you. Stephen im so glad you like it. Its deep, isnt it . Jon its very, very deep. Such an incredible history, so much to learn from that and the combination of my history, its amazing. Stephen for people wondering, i gave john a book called aint you got a right to the tree of life, which is a book of interviews with gulla people who lived on the coast in the 60s and the songs they sang. Thought you would enjoy that. Jon thank you, thats amazing. Stephen cant get that in hardback anymore, buddy. Jon oh im a collector laughter stephen thank you, jon. Bye you know, every day i take extensive m. R. I. s of the days biggest stories, order thorough topical bloodwork, and run a full workup of story diagnostics to create for you the comprehensive news wellness evaluation that is my monologue. But sometimes, its nice to just walk down to the overpass in my robe and get in the van of a guy who claims he has an associate degree in equine medicine for the unlicensed prostate exam of news that is my segment quarantinewhile quarantinewhile, amazon is now selling prescription drugs. Which might sound good, but i can definitely see a downside to making alexa your drug dealer. Did you go to cvs yesterday . I thought we had an arrangement. I dont want to have to cut a bleep . Stephen if you think what gamers need the lord, good news, some gamers are bringing jesus to twitch. Jesus is a perfect video game character. He had a clear mission, he fought evil, he had extra lives, and when he eats the magic flower he can shoot fireballs. These gamevangelists are part of godmode activated, a group dedicated to activating gamers in faith, and who use streaming platforms to spread the gospel while playing fortnite. The perfect venue to spread jesus message to the pharisees blessed are they who rack up the highest kill count and do the sickest dances over the bodies of their enemies. Quarantinewhile, a new report has found that platypus fur glows green under u. V. Light. Which is going to make for a super messed up scene on c. S. I. Brisbane. Looks like this ornithorynchidae is. Ornithorynchidead. Yeaahhh stephen no, he puts them on then says it. Honey, we have a team on this. Can you research that . Did it right . Thank you very much. Now i know what youre saying stephen, why are these people shining u. V. Lights on platypuses . As one of the researchers explained, it was a mix of serendipity and curiosity. Buddy, thats a lot of 10 words just to say me n dale got high in the lab. Quarantinewhile, k. F. C. Is going to be serving Fried Chicken in replicas of its holidaythemed buckets from 1966 and 1971. A spokesperson for the chicken people said we hope our holiday buckets help everyone hark back to a simpler time. Ah, yes, the late 60s a simpler time of racial conflict, political assassinations, and being too busy smoking unfiltered camel cigarettes to care what Fried Chicken was doing to us. Quarantinewhile, we here at meanwhile cloudbased contracting, clickandmortar Innovation Consortium incorporated sometimes acquire so many owlrelated stories, we collect them in our quarantinewhile subsub segment meanwhowl. Meanwhowl, central parks new celebrity bird is barry the barred owl. So majestic and a major improvement over central parks old celebrity bird, alan, the chainsmoking pigeon. Meanwhowl, a tiny owl was saved after getting stuck in the Rockefeller Center tree. Lets take a look at him awwwww look at how tiny he is. How many licks does it take to get to the center of that lil guy . That first picture was taken immediately after he was removed from his midtown rentcontrolled tree. And here he is at the moment he found out how much a studio apartment costs in new york. So he has been moved to a sanctuary upstate, where he is looking much better what a glowup michael b. Jordan is lucky the sexiest man alive was announced yesterday, or that cover would be very different. Ladies, hes nocturnal. Well be right back with ll cool j. Its black friday now. Only at target. This week save on electronics, family apparel, tvs and more. This week only, with new deals every week. Its black friday, now. At target. Charmin ultra soft is so soft much are you hon . Youll have to remind your family they can use less. Charmin ultra soft is twice as absorbent so you can use less. Enjoy the go with charmin. When panhe doesnt justs mmake a pizza. He uses fresh, clean ingredients to make a masterpiece. Taste our delicious new flatbread pizzas today. Panera. Shall i put her in snow mode . Nope what about offroad mode . Nah. Sport mode it is. Lets see what this baby can do. Or. We could check out that Farmers Market . No you know what . Ill be in chill mode. button click if anyone needs me. Propilot assist with navilink. Available on the allnew nissan rogue. Stephen welcome back, everybody my first guest is a multiplatinum and grammywinning artist, a bestselling author, and an actor you know from his 12 seasons on ncis los angeles. Please welcome ll cool j hello, sir how are ya . Mr. Colbert, how you doing, man . Stephen im doing well. Im so excited you guys are back on the air. Yeah, its exciting. Were kind of filming in, like, a postpandemic world, which is really interesting because, in between shots, weve got to, you know, jump in stephen i heard that. I was going to get to it later but lets do it now. First of all, i love there are other Television Shows on cbs coming on, the season finally started. That makes me feel good, like part of a team again. Yeah. Stephen also i love the whole season is based in a world where weve gotten through the pandemic and are on the other side. What does it feel like to be on set and in character and doing it where we can see what its going to feel like to see each other and touch again. Were not fully out but things are better. As soon as they say cut, they run up on me with 15 masks. You know, im washing my ha