Call your aunt ronda because of the restraining order . Deep state. And just like your actual crazy uncle, he doesnt know when to leave. Its pronounced kamala. Casa blanca . No, its kama, then la. Kookaburra . Yahtzee. This is settlers of catan. belches blowup crazy uncle. Because a family that inflates together celebrates together. You know any female sex dolls you can set me up with . Hell, give me a beach ball. Im not picky. Announcer its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonights transition to greatness. Plus stephen welcomes glenn close and musical guest kane brown with sway lee and khalid, featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan Theater Office building in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey, everybody welcome welcome heres mud in your eye to a late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. Im very excited. Im also a little tired because i got up way early this morning and interviewed barack obama today. The only thing keeping me driving now is my postobama high, just what you want to make you feel better after a maga hangover. Also known as a combover. It was a great interview, and in just friends hanging out, man laughter it was good. It was good. In keeping with his long history of pauses, i will be airing that interview. Uh. Tomorrow. But of course we have a current president that doesnt want to be a former president. Ill tell you all about it in another edition of our neverending segment no no help me rudy wan giuliani, youre my only hope may the fraud be with you always. Stephen the road from the white house stephen the president s slowmoving coup is not going well. This afternoon, the michigan election Board Certified joe bidens win in that state. Then, tonight we learned that the General Services administration informed president elect joe biden the administration is ready to begin the formal transition process, according to a letter from administrator, emily murphy. So its official our next commander in chief will be president biden. Which means somewhere, Rudy Giuliani is filing a lastditch legal claim that our current president s name has always been joe biden. Emily murphy, who is, again, the head of the g. S. A. , wanted to make it clear that she was nobodys patsy, writing, i was never directly or indirectly pressured by any executive branch official, including those who work at the white house or g. S. A. , with regard to the substance or timing of my decision. Adding, also, im the one who left a bag of onion rings in the bottom drawer of the resolute desk and then forgot about it so now the whole oval office smells like moldy onions. Then something unthinkable happened, the president made a reasonable statement tweeting, i want to thank emily murphy at gsa for her steadfast dedication and loyalty to our country. I believe we will prevail nevertheless, in the best interest of our country, i am recommending that emily and her team do what needs to be done with regard to initial protocols, and have told my team to do the same. Turns out, this whole time, all he had to do to sound president ial was just not be president anymore. Elsewheres, in georgia, officials have just completed a hand recount of the entire state and confirmed that joe biden won. So the president saw the writing on the wall and graciously asked georgia for another election recount. He wants them to recount the recount. Mr. President , things dont necessarily get better when you ask for a doover. Look at eric. I cant remember a bigger sore loser than this. Its like when ali knocked out sonny liston and he held up that sign that said, i actually won. Boxing fraud in pennsylvania, a republican federal judge dismissed the campaigns lawsuit seeking to throw out nearly seven million pennsylvania votes, declaring that the president s lawyers presented, strained legal arguments without merit and speculative accusations, unsupported by evidence. In the United States of america, this cannot justify the disenfranchisement of a single voter, let alone all the voters of its sixth most populated state. Dont know why theyre surprised. Its always been there, right on the president s hat. Make America Great again. Except you, pennsylvania. Suck it wit whiz delicious. Delicious. This lawsuit was essentially the last major case seeking to throw out or block enough votes that could swing a key state in the president s favor. But the potus for not much motus had this defiant statement its just a flesh wound. Stephen the president s legal Team Immediately appealed on sunday but legal experts say the appeals chances of success are inconceivable. Coincidentally, that was also the motto of his university. After the ruling, several republicans said it was time for the president to give up including, pennsylvania senator pat toomey, seen here on bring your forehead to work day. Toomey released a statement over the weekend declaring, with todays decision by judge matthew brann, a longtime conservative republican whom i know to be a fair and unbiased jurist, to dismiss the campaigns lawsuit, the president has exhausted all plausible Legal Options to challenge the result of the president ial race in pennsylvania. Adding, these developments, together with the outcomes in the rest of the nation, confirm that joe biden won the 2020 election and will become the 46th president of the United States. Did you hear that, republicans . He said it and didnt immediately burst into flames. You can summon that courage too. Resist the peer pressure, and tell the world once and for all im into democracy and i dont care who knows it. No one is going to judge you for it. Heck, this fourth of july, you could even march in the democracy pride parade. Toomey was not alone. Yesterday, we also heard from michigan representative and man who didnt expect to see a woman like you in an official photo like this, fred upton. Upton said its time for his party to face facts. No one has come up with any evidence of fraud or abuse. Stephen i think rudy has searched that truck from top to bottom because im pretty sure thats motor oil. Another republican who says enough is enough is Maryland Governor and wallace who ate gromit, larry hogan. Hogan had harsh words about the president s attempt to steal michigans electoral votes by blackmailing their legislative leaders i thought the pressuring of the legislators to try to somehow change the outcome with electors was completely outrageous. Were beginning to look like were a banana republic. Stephen please, we dont look like a banana republic. If anything, were a j. Coup. Slight stretch, but i like it. But the biggest name to turn on the president was clearly, former new jersey governor and depressed fred flintstone, chris christie. Christie said it was time for the president to concede, and he put the blame on the White House Legal Team they allege fraud outside the courtroom, but when they go inside the courtroom, they dont plead fraud and they dont argue fraud. The president s legal team has been a national embarrassment. Stephen cmon, chris, thats not fair. His lawyers are rudy tucking in his shirt international embarrassment. Well, with so many people humiliated by the absolute incompetence of his legal team, the president did what had to be done and fired someone named Sidney Powell. If you dont know who she is congratulations, now you dont have to know. But ill tell you anyway. She was Michael Flynns lawyer and shes been floating wild conspiracy theories like the president lost georgia because Governor Brian Kemp has been bribed by a venezuelan Front Company in cahoots with the c. I. A. To throw elections to communists, and that among others, the guy responsible for rigging the election was hugo chavez. One slight problem, hugo chavez has been dead since 2013. Though he still looks healthier than mitch mcconnell. Powells conspiracy theories are so out there that it became too much even for Rudy Giuliani to tolerate. Not only did he fire powell, he tried to will her out of existence. In a statement, he and potus lawyer jenna ellis said that Sidney Powell is practicing law on her own. Adding, she is not a member of the president s legal team. Yes, she doesnt work with them at all. Its just a coincidence that during giulianis two hour press conference, she was on stage the entire time. Simple mixup. They invited Sidney Powell, but they meant to invite Sidney Powell total landscaping. Despite the Current Administration being unwilling to accept the inevitable, joe biden keeps on doing president stuff. Today, he named his pick to head the state Department Former deputy secretary of state and ambassador to silver foxistan, antony blinken. Another biden pick who we all know from never having heard of. Not the c. E. O. Of an oil company, not a former fox news host, not even a guy kid rock recommended from guitar center. But there is something that rings a bell about his name antony blinken. His name is a. Blinken. Abe lincoln a. Blinken will be joined in bidens cabinet by interior secretary joe orgewashington and attorney general jay effkay. Blinkens record is spotless, except for one rhinestone glued in the corner, because on his twitter bio, youll see his titles from the obama administration, his cofounding of Westexec Advisors and. Hold your horses. Follow ablinken on spotify . Oh, you know i will. cuz our new secretary of state has his own rockin dad band and heres a little taste, with the man himself on vocals note oh yeah i got to got to got to i dont expect you to feel the way i do that this love is for real stephen sorry. Whoa baby thats some foggy bottom if his diplomacy are as smooth as his hot licks were back on the world stage baby. My man is going to lock israeli and palestinian leaders in a room and when things get tense, hes gonna pull out that guitar and say you two get to the negotiating table, or im gonna start stairway to heaven. the coronavirus continues to surge to record levels and ill thats an emotional shift there. Sorry. Try it again. Dont cut this part out, i want people to see the sausage being made. The coronavirus continues to surge did i mention im tired . The coonavirus continues to suffrage to record levels and ill tell you all about it in tonights installment of catch a third wave endless bummer. Im coming home for the holidays buckle up get it . Like my hat dont make me shoot you with my blunder virus stephen okay, get out blunder virus isnt even close to a joke blunder virus . Due to the pandemic, the c. D. C. Is begging people not to travel for thanksgiving. Heres how former c. D. C. Director dr. Tom frieden put it this weekend were all so sick and tired of this virus but unfortunately it is spiraling out of control. When people travel, the virus travels. And this thanksgiving could be the super bowl of superspreading events. Stephen dont put it that way, please. People love the super bowl you have to compare it to a party call it the awkward Retirement Party for patricia from accounting who doesnt want to retire but is being forced to by the company and she is crying while packing up the kitten figurines on her desk and you dont say anything because you dont want to be the one who she feels close to now. Of superspreading events. Frieden continued its better to have a zoom thanksgiving than an i. C. U. Christmas. Stephen that is a sobering thought. And the title of a very grim hallmark movie. This holiday season, every family needs to have a covid plan. Especially the first family. Because on friday, we learned that don jr. Tested positive for the coronavirus. Oh my god. Thats so sweet. Don jr. Finally got something from his father. Now, let me say, d. J. T. J. Is asymptomatic, which is great news, and i wish him a full and lengthy recovery. But i also wish to make fun of him. Because after his diagnosis went public, he took to instagram from his quarantine cabin to give this very dumb update hey guys, don jr. Here. You may have seen it by now but apparently i got the rona. Stephen yes, the rona coming this fall to cbs, don jr. Is bro doctor. as don jr. so, uh, we got your test results, and it looks like you got the tubercks. Which means, from a medical p. O. V. , your prognosis sucks ass, dude. Such a tradg. On the bright side, your oxygen saturation is at 69. Up top. According to don jr. , he doesnt just feel good, he also looks good i think you can tell i probably look okay for me. You can see i dont have the red eyes like they claimed i had uh for apparently using cocaine prior to my r. N. C. Speech. Stephen first of all, no one claimed you had red eyes, you had red eyes. And no one is thinking about that right now. Methinks the alleged cokehead doth protest too much. as don jr. i dont have the red eyes. Or the powderdipped nostrils. And my dealers totally not upstairs, cutting lines on a taxidermied moose head. Trent, are you ready . I got the rona we have a great show for you tonight. Glenn close is here. But when we come back, meanwhile join us. Hey hey grandma hi weve got something for you. Thank you. I love it. Cheers. Getwith contactlessour list, shopping at target. From same day delivery to free drive up. Quick and easy contactless shopping all season at target. groans hmph. food grunting menacingly when the food you love doesnt love you back, stay smooth and fight heartburn fast with tums smoothies. Tum tumtum tum tums now roomba vacuums exactly where you need it. Alexa, tell roomba to vacuum in front of the couch. And offers personalized cleaning suggestions for a clean unique to you and your home. Roomba and the irobot home app. Only from irobot. Dreya hey how are you so good at this . Relax. Get into it aw, yeah ive got it rated everyone. [phone rings] sore throat pain . Try new Vicks Vapocool drops in honey lemon chill for a fastacting rush of relief like youve never tasted in. Honey lemon ahh woo Vicks Vapocool drops now in honey lemon chill cheddar, jalapeno and sour cream onion the spicy nacho stack. I wish i could stack pringles but i dont have hands or a mouth to. Cool, play my dance playlist. Theres a flavor stack for everyone. Sort of. When panhe doesnt justs mmake a pizza. He uses fresh, clean ingredients to make a masterpiece. Taste our delicious new flatbread pizzas today. Panera. Got the whole fam rockin hejingle jammays olidays our 18th time watchin love actuallay we gon have the best holiday here at old navay this monday through friday, shop 50 off everything we holiday. Only at old navy, and oldnavy. Com stephen hey welcome back, everybody lets say hello to jon batiste. Hey, jon jon whats happening . You got to get it in. Stephen i like that shirt a lot. Jon this is a good vibe. It feels like fall. Its great. Stephen you want to hear about good vibe, i spent the morning talking to president barack obama. Jon wow. Stephen i i was down in nice to see you talking to him. That is a good vibe. He seems good, happy, relaxed. Jon oh, wow. Hes got a lot on his plate. The book, you know. Stephen the books done. Jon right. Stephen obamacare didnt get tossed out by the supreme court. His guy is going to be the next president. Hes got a spring in his step, i tell you that. Jon wow. How was the conversation . Stephen farranging, light, deep, it had it all. I dont know how were going to fit it into a show. Maybe well do two shows. Maybe well do an extra show with it. Jon thats what i would say. Thats one to have the greatest living humans. Youve got to showcase it all. We need to hear it. Stephen john jon, we played waste basketball, you know the ball paper and chute. Stephen hes got the lefthanded j. Jon he does. Youve got to stick around for the game. Jon who won . Stephen i cant give that away lets say we did wager. Jon yeah, yeah. I remember when you played that with stef and you got a j. I know you got something on you with the socks and the bucket. Stephen when the camera turns on and the adrenaline flows, all things are possible, jon you know that. Jon yeah, ill put you on the freethrow line for the tech. laughter stephen you got anything coming up for the holidays . Anything for thanksgiving . Anything that puts you in the autumnal mood that matches your shirt . Jon oh, yeah, you know, the stephen now i want to go for a walk in central park. Jon batiste, everybody. Thank you, jon. Jon thank you. Stephen you know, folks, i spent a lot of Time Training on the mighty steed of news, donning the days most topical armor, and sharpening the lance of satire for the medieval royal jousting tournament that is my monologue. But once in a while, i down a 40 of bourbon, run naked in the pale moonlight to the farm two towns over, and steal a baby pony to stage the fullfrontal oneman amateur production of equus of news that is my segment quarantine while stephen i dont always read these ahead of time. In this scenario am i having sex with a pony . Its a baby pony. Very upsetting. I do not approve that intro, but i did enjoy it. Quarantinewhiile, lets get straight to the question everyone is asking today has sex pistols star john lydon been bitten by a flea on his penis after befriending squirrels . Good news sex pistol star john lieden was bitten on his penis after befriending the squirrels. It seems the flea never minded the bollocks, and went straight for the sex pistol. God save the peen. Lydon is recovering well, and authorities have released this photo of the suspected penisbiting flea. Quarantinewhile, just in time for thanksgiving, perdue has released a limitedtimeonly item called thanksnuggets. Its perfect for anyone spending this thanksgiving alone, wondering, how can i make this sadder . Also, pro tip, dont give your product a name that automatically sounds like sarcasm. Thanks, nuggets. There are two flavors of thanks, nuggets one includes dark turkey meat blended with a cranberry sauce and stuffing flavor, and one features white turkey meat inspired by the flavor of sweet potato. Inspired by actual food . Okay, picasso. as artist and over here youll see my nuggets that are loosely inspired by the concept of chicken. They include an homage to nutrition and of course a nod to protein, but the medium is primarily salt mixed with oil and bread crumbs. Quarantinewhile, florida officials have proposed culling their invasive python