Items the late show with with Stephen Colbert tonights are you die and former director of the and aubrey plaza, featuring jeanbaptiste, and now live on ed sullivan theatre, Office Building in new york city, it is Stephen Colbert stephen i am right here. You can point at me all you want. I stand on my argument. Hello. Welcome to a late show. Im sorry about that. I am your host Stephen Colbert, if you are watching this at home right now, thank you. Please stay there. Because the pandemic is worse than ever. And i will tell you all about it in tonights installment of catch camp. Catch a third wave endless bummer. Hey, everybody. Get out, get out experts warned us this would be a dark winter and experts were right because yesterday american covid19 deaths and hospitalizations set records. This is a time to try mens souls, but if we can just get through it, we can get back to setting fun records like worlds biggest pancake, most old ladies stuffed in a bouncy castle, or most flammable banjo. Still dangerous, but fun. Things are so bad that yesterday, ohio reached a 15 percent Positivity Rate and issued a new travel advisory so strict that the state is recommending ohioans avoid traveling to ohio and those entering ohio, after traveling from ohio are advised to self quarantine in ohio for 14 days. They have reached mobius quarantine ohios got its own tail in its mouth. Its a coronaouroboros. Its all explained in the states new tourism campaign, welcome to ohio. Dont come and never leave but despite the recordbreaking numbers, some folks are throwing caution to the wind, like secretary of state and king of pomptoberfest, mike pompeo. Pompeo is hosting a big party at the state department. How big . He is inviting 900 people. 900 people and i wasnt invited . Really. Do they i mean, do they know i am on the cover of vanity fair . What . What . I know that. I know that. This is how it is supposed to be. All the cool people do it this way. Look at that. I wouldnt go. I wouldnt go. But 900 people you would think they would throw me an invitation. It is not even a good idea to have 900 people not drink covid, 900 people is not a party. Anybody hundred people is an airport terminal, republicans arent the only ones ignoring the cdc. In a disappointing showing of bipartisanship california governor gavin new nm and San Francisco mayor london breed both traveled to napa valley for birthday dinners last month at the French Laundry, some people might think the name French Laundry means that the restaurant is clean, but remember its French Laundry so theres a lot of tongue. So delicious. Governor new some apologized, sort of. As soon as i sat down at the larger table, i realized it was a little larger group than i had anticipated. And i made a bad mistake. Instead of sitting down, i should have stood up. Stephen yeah, virus cant get you if you are standing. You can juke it. Whoo whoo thankfully a vaccine is on the way. But people might not take it, due to crazy conspiracy theories on social media that claim the vaccine is a clever cover for various forms of population control by a government deep state, private philanthropists or even satan. While there is precedent for the devil pushing immunization, he gave eve the apple and we all know that keeps the doctor away. Thankfully, former president s barack obama, george w. Bush and bill clinton have all volunteered to get the Coronavirus Vaccine publicly to prove its safe with. Obama saying i may take it on tv. Oh, yes thats must see, baby, forget the mandolorian, people really want to see next years biggest hit, someone elses doctor appointment. Turn your head, for justice. But listen, if obama, bush and clinton want to get vaccinated on tv, thats write work. Come on over, guys. You wouldnt be the first. Elvis presley in 1956, there he is backstage at the ed sullivan show. What is he doing . He is getting the polio vaccine. Stephen so president bush, president clinton, president obama, put your antibodies where your mouth is, come on my show and drop tro fuvment backstage at the ed sullivan theatre in my late show, immunotabulous expresident ial jabarama featuring physician it is assistant snoop dogg. You are going to get the vacsizzle. Thats a joke. Of course, we are fixing to get another expresident pretty darn soon, even though we cant get him to admit that. Lets learn the latest in cbs long running segment, i am a bitchy sniff i teeny peeny orange jello mussolini, here to steal your election away. The road from the white house house. Stephen you tell them that they have won. Stephen over the last four careers we have can occasionally talked about this administration, when it was appropriate and some of the crazy, you know, norm smashing they have done. Not often but sometimes. But now that its about a to be over the president s team are leaving it all on the field after they burn down the stadium. But now i am not scared about it or angry about it. I am just in awe of the sheer majesty of their stupidity. Case in point former National Security advisor and plan plotting to steal every la shrimp from that buffet, Michael Flynn on tuesday, the general retweeted an ad calling on the president to invoke limited marshal law. Yes. Limited. That means tanks will crush dissidents but only at participating arbys. Dont worry, it is not a forever coup. Flynn is calling on the president to temporarily suspend the constitution. That might help. Its like hamilton said in the federalist papers, are you having trouble with your democracy. Have you tried turning it off and on again. But one associate of the president still takes the crazy cake and thats attorney and hungover sweet potato Rudy Giuliani, rudy has been traveling the country trying to convince state legislatures to throw out the votes. And its not going that well. To start off, rudy and his team held unofficial hearings in arizona and pennsylvania hotels. I believe holding an unofficial hearing is also what rudy claims he was doing in another hotel. A hearing and a feeling. But yesterday, rudy finally has a chance to lay out his argument in front of actual legislators when he appeared in front of a Michigan HouseOversight Committee hearing. Yes, he finally got someone official to take his seriously, and he blew it, literally. Because listen to this actual recording of giuliani proving his case to the legislature. The answer that i gave you is they didnt bother to interview a garb. [ fart noise ] single witness. Stephen wow, rudy made a tootie. And it sounded fresh and fruity. We laugh but he was just citing the important legal precedent established in the landmark case of smelt it v dealt it. Gosh, can we please go back to when things were only leaking out of rudys head. Rudy wasnt the only person ruining his case because this was his star witness. The poll book is completely off. Completely off. Off by 30,000 . The id say that poll book is off by over 100,000. Stephen she can concluded her testimony by saying, i would like to speak to americas manager. Ill wait. Because i know you have it in size 6. I will wait. That woman there is alleged contractor for dominion Voting Systems and lady at the brunch butchering the phrase huevos rancheros melissa carone. Turns out melissa had a lot to say. That poll book, why dont you look at the registered voters on there . How many registers voters are on there . Did you even know the answer to that . No, i guess that i am trying get to the bottom of this here. Zero, zero, theres zero. Stephen congratulations to all of you who didnt travel for thanksgiving, you still get to see your cousin start a fight after three mimosas, if nana loved so so much how many of ofr marble coasters did she leave you . Zero, the one are the soilly line and the red one, zero. Well, melissa didnt spend the whole time accusing poll workers of messing with the vote count but also accused the legislators and ghosts. Are we saying the poll book is either wildly off or that they are wildly off. Stephen they are filling in names. Its wildly off and dead people voted. My question is, we are not seeing the poll book off by 30,000 votes. Thats not the case. What edes you guys do, take it and do something crazy to it . Stephen why is she biting her lip . What crazy thing does she think they did to the books . Whatd you do . Did you take books to a fancy hotel room, order some strawberries and champagne and give it a little back rub and then do something crazy to it . The kind of thing your boyfriend brian is too scared to try . I would like to talk to brians manager. Now, somebodys little girl. Now, why should we believe her . Well, according to melissa, because she signed a piece of paper. I know what i saw. I know that i know what i saw and i signed something saying that if im wrong i can go to prison. Did you . Stephen unassailable argument. Clenching rejoinder from the rostrum. You sign a piece of paper, mister and now if you are ever wrong you go to prison. That is the law. How do i know thats the law . I signed a piece of paper that says thats the law, and if i am wrong, why arent i in prison . Did you . This testimony was so not helpful, that at one point, Rudy Rudy Giuliani tried stop her. Thats how many. Wait. What about the turnout rate . 120 percent . Stephen its a bad sign when Rudy Giuliani thinks you going over the top. Its like the hull it can pulling you aside and saying hull it can think you need anger management. Hulk not like you when you angry. The president is trying to convince us that what we see and hear is no. Excuse me excuse me order in the court, your highness. Stephen i am sorry this is one of my writers, eliana kwartler. Eliana, what are you doing here . What are you doing here, sir . Do you even know the answer to that . Stephen look, i know shes a fun character to play but that doesnt mean you can just interrupt the monologue. Excuse me, objectionimon. This is my head writer, ariel. Not you too. Honestly elianas impression is off by like 100,000, like 120 percent. She has zero blonde hair. Zero. Hey, no fair i signed something that says if i am wrong, i go to prison. And i wrote it in lipstick on this cocktail napkin. Stephen okay, if you two could just let me finish my monologue. Excuse me, excuse me. If anyone gets to play the fun drunk lady its the most irish person. Stephen kate, you cant even pretend to be drunk. You are pregnant. I am allowed to have one pretend drink at dinner . Stephen you are all very talented but i did not ask any of you. Excuse me, excuse me. Stephen oh, my god, felipe you just wanted to do the impression, too . Oh i am not doing an impression. I am just drunk at work. Dead people are writing this show. Merry hanukkah. Stephen my writers, everybody. My drunk, drunk writers. We have got a great show for you tonight. I am going to be talking to to former director of Cyber Security and proper security agent, christopher correct, the guy trump fires but when we come back, meanwhile and i would like to talk to its manager. The late show with Stephen Colbert. Sponsored by the all new nissan rogue. E go to the beach . beep beep beep should we just go see a movie . Yes im always up for a good movie. Go rogue in the allnew, fiercely reimagined nissan rogue. During kohls weekend deals early. Plus, take an extra 25 off get up to 50 off family outerwear. Get an air fryer 149. 99. And get sweaters for the family 16. 49 and under plus, get kohls cash plus, free store pickup. Give with all your heart. Kohls dreya hey how are you so good at this . Relax. Get into it aw, yeah ive got it rated everyone. Sprinting past every leak in our softest, smoothest fabric. Shes confident, protected, her strength respected. Depend. The only thing stronger than us, is you. Scrub less with dawn ultra like a workout . Its superior greasecleaning formula gets to work faster, making easy work of tough messes dawn takes care of tough grease, wherever it shows up. Scrub less, save more. With dawn hello hello there he go, my baby never answers in the room steps outside, or puts it on snooze he just do whatever he do ou ee ou ou ee ou hello hello hello hello hello hello cross eerbody off heyour gift list. E emas. The whole squad lookin fly in the halfzips. Its the coziest fleecemas that ever existed. Shop cozy styles for everyone on your list. We holiday. Only at old navy and oldnavy. Com stephen hey, everybody, welcome back to to late show, lets say hello. Hello, john. Oh man, come on, what is happening . Stephen i have got my head is turned to the holidays. Yeah. Stephen i am wondering, what do you want for christmas, john . I dont know what to get you. Wow. If you can give me peace on earth that would be great, but stephen i dont do you ever read the choose your own adventures books. Stephen yeah. You know book you can read and there are options. Stephen to to page 54, abc and you go back and forth in the book like that, yeah. Yeah, yeah, i have been trying to find a complete collection of those books, because i used to read i may have read all of them when i was a kid and i cant find them anymore. Stephen let me write that down. Now forget that you asked me, john. I mean you dont have to i am not going to, john. I am 100 percent not going to start looking for those. [ laughter ]. Stephen done, done. Have you got anything have you got any adventure music for us . Oh, my goodness, oh, yeah. Stephen high score. Jeanbaptiste, everybody. Thank you, john. Have a good one. Ladies and gentlemen, you know i spend a lot of type polishing hubcaps, installing premium leather interior packages, upgrading to satellite radio and putting together incredible holiday deals on new and certified preowned vehicles, all to form the spectacular toyotathon event that is my monologue, but sometimes, sometimes i like to spin down the odometer on a busted old saab, tape a garbage bag over the broken windows, high the words Steering Wheel not included in the fine print to hawk the discount karls non0 road worthy rattletrap jalopy of news that is my segment. Quarantinewhile stephen quarantinewhile. Country singer chase rice is in hot water for an insensitive series of tweets. Just lost my taste and smell. Weird. Also dropping a single at midnight. And then ten minutes later tweeted, on a real note, dont have covid. But i am dropping a single tonight. Not come to, chase, to use a Global Pandemic to hawk your latest project. We learned that years ago when shakespeare posted these flyers, coughing up blood, face covered in lesions, weird. On a real note, im healthy af, but you all should check out my new play hamlet, now that would be sick. Quarantinewhile, drake is selling a Scented Candle that smells like drake, to which Gwyneth Paltrow replied, uh, call me when it smells like drakes vagina. Quarantinewhile, oreo is releasing a lady gagainspired pink and green cook can kiss. Okay, as much as i love her, lady gagas oreos will never replace pat benatars hydro g quarantinewhile, i have already brought you news of the mysterious appearance of this upon lot in the utah desert last week and events so potentially paradigm shifting for the human race that i need to update you in my newest month literature themed meanwhile subsegment, monwhile, monwhile, the original utah desert monolith, is goneolith. Over the weekend we learned that the mysterious monolith was removed on friday evening. A photographer of the scene saw four member arrive as if out of nowhere to dismantle it saying leave no trace, this is our mission. Clearly government agents working for the department of funstomping. Come on, guys. Just let us have this we didnt have a chance to see if it shot out beams to melt anybodys bones. Then the mystery deep deepened because on friday another mysterious monolith suddenly appeared, this time in romania. Do these aliens not watch the news. American monoliths are not allowed to travel to europe. Please tell me this monolith did not celebrate thanksgiving. Now comes the news that the mystery monolith vanished in romania on tuesday then a new mysterious monolith appeared on top of a mountain a in california yesterday, how could it move that fast . Are we dealing with one monolith . Or is it it a pair of duoliths . Folks it is no coincidence that these monoliths appeared just before the great conjunction of jupiter and saturn coming up on december 21. Open your eyes, sheeple, these monoliths are clearly dormant supervisor spacetime energy nodes that will awaken at a specific pitch in the vibration of the enter planetary matrix to help us make the leap to the next great phase of Human Evolution reach beyond imagination and touch the very face of god, or its going to turn out to be like the Viral Campaign for mountain dew. Either way, i am here for it. We will be right back with the former director of the Cyber Security and Infrastructure Security Agency, Christopher Krebs. Welcome back, baby waiting for presents that might not arrive . This year, try shopping for Christmas Gifts live. Theres a place you can go where great gifts fill each shelf no need for shipping just grab them yourself come find perfect presents up through Christmas Eve at prices almost too good to believe so if you still need gifts and its already december this is the place to spend less and gift better t. J. Maxx, marshalls, and homegoods. Did you get a streuseltopped blueberry muffin because its a special day . Or is it a special day because you got a streuseltopped blueberry muffin . Meet the new bakery sweets at mcdonalds ba da ba ba ba windows open, im yelling unity side by side with my community celebrate, lets have a jubilee theyve been there for us lets be there for them who knows where that button is . I dont have silent. Everyone does right up here. It happens to all of us. We buy a new home, and we turn into our parents. What i do is help new homeowners overcome this. What is that, an adjustable spanner . Good choice, steve. Okay, dont forget youre not assisting him. You hired him. If you have nowhere to sit, you have too many. Who else reads books about submarines . My dad. Yeah. Oh, those are progressive cant protect yo