A new y york city r restaurar is speakaking out afafter a coue wawas caught f fornicatingng inr dining shed, according to the owner, her outside dining shed is being used as a sex den and she wants the city to put a stop to it. [s[smooth sexyxy music] get a room announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight. Whats up docs . First, stephen welcomes Kieran Culkin and musical guest run the jewels featuring jon batiste and stay human. With special guest joe walsh. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert [cheers and applause] stephen hello. Stephen Stephen Stephen welcome. Please. Have a seat, everybody. Welcome. In here, out there, all around around the world. Obviously everyone in canada. Welcome. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. And ladies and gentlemen, im still. [applause] i am still all hot and bothered about the fbi raid at maralago. Turns out, my kink. Is consequences. Were learning more juicy deets about the raid. Its becoming increasingly clear that the search was tied to an Ongoing Investigation into whether the former president took classified records from the white house to his florida residence. Spoiler he did. We already know he did. No matter what it is, its always what you thought but worse than you imagined. He incited an insurrection. He extorted ukraine. He put the bop in the bopshoobopshoobop. He put the ram in the ramalamadingdong then made the ramalamadingdong sign an nda. And hes already admitted that he did it. About seven months ago, the former president revealed that he had Unlawful Possession of classified material when he turned over 15 boxes of items to the national archives. So im sure youre saying, hey, steve, if he turned it over, whyd the fbi go back . Turns out, as investigators sifted through the initial 15 boxes, they grew concerned that the former president had not, in fact, returned all the government property. One hint was that the maralago buffet was serving unlimited shrimp out of abe lincolns hat. So, monday, they went back. They searched the joint, and the agents took about 12 more boxes. Keep in mind, these 12 boxes were kept in the basement storage area. Thats where he kept classified government documents . In a basement in florida . Was there no room left in the kiddie pool full of pythons and mildew . And it gets worse, because only after the former president s lawyer received instructions to secure the room this past spring, did they add a padlock. So before, it was just open. Itd make a great action movie. National treasure 3 found it behind the christmas ornaments [applause] there you go. The fbis dress code for the event was indictment casual. A handful of agents were in suits but most wore tshirts and cargo pants. Yeah, so good luck getting your dad to change his outfit now. No way, kiddo. Old dads in his tactical shorts, like the gmen i need the extra pockets for my nightvision goggles and my three different iphone chargers. You should plug in. Youre at 70 . Right wing media has taken the fbis successful attempt to recover stolen classified documents pretty hard. Theyre calling america a Banana Republic, and everywhere you look, there are conservative calls for a civil war in the u. S. That is scary. Okay, if we dont leave the expresident alone and give him whatever what he wants, its possible a bunch of neoconfederates could violently attack the United States a year and a half ago. In fact. [applause] we dont want it beautiful, beautiful. In fact, right after the raid, the term civil war started trending on twitter. Which can only mean one thing the civil war is dating Pete Davidson im happy for them. Very happy for them. One person whos especially enraged is fox news host and the number one realtor in uncanny valley, jeanine pirro. Judge jeanine had some advice for the Justice Department. You do not break into a house of a guy that youve been working with for nine months, that you have to admit has been cooperating with you for president ial records. No stephen it wasnt a breakin, jeanine. They had a warrant, and he didnt cooperate cooperating would have been handing over all 27 boxes. He kept 12. Thats like a smuggler saying your honor, i turned over half of my heroin. What do you want . All of my heroin . What next . The cocaine . Okay, the cocaine, okay. You want the cocaine. Ill be right back. [sniffing] you can have that. The former president s lawyer floated this conspiracy theory. Quite honestly im concerned that they may have planted something. Stephen good point. What if they planted those 12 boxes of evidence . [gasps] thats why they were wearing cargo pants this is a Banana Republic and theyre 30 off of course. Theyre a pair of pants. Theyre a type of pants. Of course, no clown car would be complete without president ial son and phantom of the conference room, eric. Eric jumped on the rage wagon to explain how he knew this was a political hit job on his dad. Make no mistake, jesse. I mean, i know the white house as well anyone. I spent a lot of time there. I know the system. This did not happen without joe bidens explicit approval. The white house approved of this. Stephen if theres one thing i learned from my dads time in office, its that the president definitely interferes with the Justice Department nothing. No, im serious. Im serious as a heart attack. Heart attack. Nothing happens without his approval. Except me. Erics dad also weighed in, saying ive never done anything wrong. Nobody can prove that i ever did anything wrong. Its pretty tough when a citizen with an unblemished record must be hounded from his home. I am feeling very bad, very bad. How would you feel if the police, paid to protect you, acted towards you like they acted toward me . Im sorry, im actually im being being told thats not a quote from the former president. Thats a quote from al capone. [applause] six of one. Obviously im joking. Theyre nothing alike. Al capones crime was organized. So. Why . [applause] Al Capone Al Capone fans. The former president isnt the only one in trouble with the law. So is former new york mayor and baby who likes what youre doin with those car keys, rudy giuliani. This one comes from the investigation into the expresident s election interference in georgia, where he demanded that the georgia secretary of state somehow find him 11,780 votes. Which, coincidentally, is the same number of investigations hes now under. Rudy was one of the key Players Behind that plot, and has been ordered to testify before a grand jury in Fulton County next week. Oh, you gotta feel bad for georgia. First the devil went down there, and now they have to get a visit from rudy . [applause] at least theyre both great at fiddlin. Oh stephen really . Really . No, no, thats fair enough. Fair enough. Technically, he was playing the organ. Thank you very much. Youre welcome. But giulianis attorney tried to fight the summons, claiming rudy couldnt fly to atlanta because of a recent heart stent operation. Apparently, doctors had to remove a blockage obstructing the flow of lifegiving beaujolais. The judge wasnt having it in this case and the judge ordered rudy to get to georgia this month by a train, a bus, or an uber. Basically whatever vehicle he wakes up in. Its not just bad news for our expresident. Theres also good news for our current president , because today the Labor Department reported that inflation dropped to zero it is flat. Inflation. Up for the year but flat from june to july, and not a minute too soon, because American Families have been hit hard by high prices, even wealthier families. Case in point richer people are eating more at applebees and ihop. Well, of course they are have you ever had a deepfried mozzarella stick . Im happily married, but thats my hall pass. I love that food, and it has nothing to do with inflation. Applebees and ihop are where you can taste all the tasty tastes the salts are salty, the fats are fatty, and the four cheese mac n cheese with honey pepper chicken tenders is all of those things. When i used to be on the road, i ate there all the time, and i never regretted eating at an applebees while i was eating it. And ihop is undoubtedly the best place to go in the morning to recover from eating at applebees the night before. On an earnings call, a Company Spokesman said folks that often dine at more expensive restaurants are now finding applebees and ihop because of their wellknown value. Yes, everyone loves a deal, including the wealthy. Amanda, get your passport, were going to the house of pancakes international. Garcon, je voudrais le rooty tooty fresh and fruity, sil vous plait tout suite thank you. I speak several languages. [cheers] because these restaurants have a tonier clientele now, theyve actually raised their prices, but thrown in bonuses, like adding a dozen shrimp for a dollar when you order a steak. Thats where i get a little suspicious. Theres no way 12 shrimp can cost a dollar. If youre paying 8 cents a pop, those arent shrimp. Those are sea monkeys on steroids. We got a great show for you tonight my guest is successions Kieran Culkin. But when we come back, meanwhile join us, wont you . Announcer the late show with Stephen Colbert sponsored by ashley. 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Big chchuck, youou sock rolln son n of a. Ive beeeen tellingg everyoyone. The e secret too great t teeth. Is s having healthy gugums. Crest adadvanced gumum restoe detotoxifies belelow the gumume and rerestores by y helping hl gugums in as l little as 7 7. Crest. T. feel thehe power ofof osteo biiflex®. Taken evevery day, itss clinicalllly shown to improrove joint c comfot inin 7 days, with sigignificant i improvet over timime. i am a soul man i am a soul man stephen hey, welcome back, everybody. Give it up for the band right over there. Louis cato and company. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. [cheering] my goodness. This is good. Coming up, yall. Weve got quite a show tonight. Coming up in just a moment, emmynominated, wonderful actor from hps succession, Kieran Culkin is going to be out here. I mean, i hope we can all have as much fun over here as it looks like you all having over there. I cant believe i have front row seats to mr. Joe walsh right over there. [applause] joe, youve been playing. You played some great hits this week. Masterful guitar work. Some covers but also some things that youve made immortal. Is there any chance were going to hear her life in the fast lane this week . That costs extra. Stephen it is like guac a little extra . Could we hear the riff at any point . [crunchy guitar riff] thats all we can afford. Thank you. Stop right there. Thats all we can afford. Thank you, joe. Folks, i spend most of my time right over there adorning the stage with the days biggest news, inviting the finest, most topical stories, booking jugglers and lute players and laying out a splendid cornucopia of meats, fruit, and wine to put on for you the lavish louis xiv versailles gala that is my nightly monologue. But sometimes, just sometimes folks, i snap awake in the woods by the airport, throw a tarp over a dirty baby pool and trap a ragtag collection of forest creatures using cheese laced with cough syrup, then make them watch me honk through a broken harmonica in the deranged methheads party hut of news that is my segment. Meanwhile. Stephen its a ladder to the stars. Meanwhile, zombie fans rejoice weve just learned that the walking deads daryl spinoff takes place in france. So daryls gonna be fine. French zombies are notorious snobs. Ugh, your american brains dont even come with a bearnaise or a nice sauvignon . Go away. I wait for a proper french cerebellum. Plus, theyre easy to get away from, cause you can just trap them in an invisible box. Meanwhile, over in the department of luxury snoozin, casper is hiring professional nappers with exceptional sleeping ability. I would love to see that job interview. Well, i guess my biggest weakness is. [snoring] meanwhile, Dominos Pizza is shutting down in italy. Oh, no. Now when italians want pizza, theyll have to go to papa johns. Apparently, after 7 years,3 the last of dominos 29 branches have closed. Yes, one by one, these dominos fell like. A series of falling things. Meanwhile, oreo is bringing back their Pumpkin Spice sandwich cookie for a limited time. Which means youll only have a few weeks not to buy it. If youve never tried them, i can understand that. According to the company, they have an unforgettable twist of Pumpkin Spice flavor. I dont know if unforgettable is as positive a word as the oreo folks think it is. Oh, youll try to forget. Spend years in therapy. Thousands of dollars. Then, just when you think youre free, youll close your eyes at night. And theyll be there. Available for only a limited time. But the trauma . Forever. Meanwhile, recently disney guests got stuck on the its a small world ride for over an hour, and described it as torture. Well, yeah. Its a small world is designed to be torture. Its a boat ride through a humid diorama where the most famously annoying song in history plays endlessly. Its where they take gitmo prisoners who wont talk. Yes, im a terrorist now please, just take away the tiny harmonizing belgians evidently, a line of boats got stuck when one appeared to be slowly sinking into the water. And heres a look at footage of the harrowing experience. Theyre not moving. And theyre still not moving. Okay, just walk out its not a real river theres no crocodiles its two feet deep well, kids, i guess this is it. We could walk to shore, 18 inches from here, but the hem of my shorts might get damp. Who do we eat first . Billy eat churros. Maybe he tastes like cinnamon. Meanwhile, american football doofus Aaron Rodgers said that taking the Psychedelic Drug ayahuasca led to the best season of my career. Shockingly, there wont be any repercussions for the drug use, cause psychedelics arent a banned substance, so his use of ayahuasca wont get him in trouble with the nfl, the league says. In fact, the nfl is so onboard they released a brand new slate of promos. See if you can tell. Monday night, the raiders take on the chargers, but inin fact theyey are all one people, connected by the worldspirit, in an infinitely expanding plane of human compassion. See the big hits, feel a hundred different hands on your body, imparting a blessing of forgiveness and gratitude. Brought to you by quetzalcoatl, the official feathered serpent god of the nfl. Stephen well be right back with Kieran Culkin. To statay locked i in, i needo keepep up my strtrength, anand my energrgy. Clif b bar® is the ultltimate enerergy ba. Purposefulully crafteded withth a blend o of protein, fat anand carbs. Because e the more g good yoyou put in, the more g great you g get ou. 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Sometimemes jonah wrwrestles with f falling aslsleep. So o he takes z zzzquil. Ththe worlds s 1 sleep a aidd for r a better n night sleep. So nowow, he wakeses up feeling g like himseself. The reignining family y room mimiddleweighght championo. Betttter dayays start wiwih zzzquil l nights. Book a work trip. Earn onekeycash. H. Shakake some hanands. Do n not forget t to laugh. [laughining] book a g getawayfrfromk tripip. Use e onekeycashsh. Ororder some s sides. Do not disturb. Join one key to earn and use re