Members to secure the capital. Obviously, we still have work to do. We have to go upstairs. Youre watching cspan3, milk, lemonade, around the corner laws are made. We now join the house g. O. P. Still trying to elect a House Speaker. Welcome back to the speaker race where the first g. O. P. Congressmen to make it up the slippery stairs wins the gavel. And they are off its a small group of locals. Here is Steve Scalise in red working his way up. Jim jordan is way in the back and yellow but making his move. Oh, falling behind again what makes the stairs so slippery . Most people think its the oil, but its actually Kevin Mccarthys tears. Hold on, Steve Scalise is near the top, within an arms reach of the gavel. Oh, he takes the entire Republican Party down with him too bad join us next week when the House Speaker candidates square off to see who can withstand the nut gavel. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight s kelis and desist also, please welcome john mulaney and musical guest Darius Rucker featuring louis kato and the late show band and now, live on tape from. Sullivan theater in new york city, it is Stephen Colbert stephen thats right [cheers and applause] thank you. Thank you. Thanks, everybody good to see you welcome to the late show, welcome one and all in there, out there, mr. And all america, all the ships at im your host Stephen Colbert. Its been over a week since republicans ousted speaker of the house Kevin Mccarthy in favor of their preferred leader. Madness. [laughter] yesterday, it seemed like the house gop finally got their act together and nominated louisiana congressman and man in mars atmosphere without a helmet, Steve Scalise. Huge, huge moment for scalise, for about five minutes, when it became clear that he lacks the votes needed to win the gavel. You see, he needs 217 to become speaker, but in the nominating round, he only got 113. Im no math man, but that sounds like less. Scalise can only afford to lose four votes total, right . I know at least one dozen republicans are refusing to back him. And somewhere against them because in 2002, scalise spoke and an event founded by former ku klux klan leader and current White Nationalist david duke though he later denied knowing that the event was affiliated with neonazis. Ironclad defense. Oh, neo nazis, i thought you said no nazis. Sorry, its hard to hear what those guys were saying through those hoods. One neverscaliser is South Carolina representative nancy mace, who went on jake tappers tappity tappity time to explain who she would support. I think jim jordans not out of the mix. I talked to democrats whose trust him and his word. Thats not out of the realm of possibility. Appeared jim jordan . Yes i talked about who do they trust even though i dont agree with them the gym jordan from ohio . [laughter and cheering] stephen ive never seen jake tapper that surprised beard and jimmy, you played that last bit of the tape . Jim jordan from ohio . Stephen since the republicans cant settle on someone to bring in for the job, theyre considering hiring a temp. Reportedly, there was talk in the gop meeting of putting in a temporary speaker for 90 days to provide more time to figure out a plan. They could even give the temp job to the old guy. You can see it all on the sexy new reality show, 90day mccarthay. To add insult to unpopularity, scalise is even getting the Cold Shoulder from new york representative and airbrush american, george santos. [boos] last night, santos tweeted, its just past 9 40pm and i have yet to hear from the speakerdesignate. So ive come to the conclusion that my vote doesnt matter to him. Im now declaring im an anyone but scalise and come hell or high water i wont change my mind. Wow. I havent seen him this upset since he lost the nba championship to Michael Jordan and the toon squad. [laughter] earlier this, he played for the momonsters. Earlier this week, santos was indicted for credit card fraud and identity theft. As a result, a group of new york republicans have moved to expel santos from the house. [cheers and applause] okay, but if the republicans kick him out, republicans lose the entire santos caucus george santos, anthony devolder, kitara ravache, batman, and admiral ludwig von pseudonym. [laughter and applause] one new york republican declared, santos is not fit to serve in the house of representatives, hes a stain on the institution, adding, he also is a stain on our state. Coincidentally, a stain on our state is also the official motto of the Port Authority bus terminal. Model, model. No, thats all right. Go on, please. For his part, santos told the press he was going nowhere, saying, they can try to expel me, but i pity the fools that go ahead and do that and think that thats the smartest idea. You pity the fool . First identities, now hes stealing catch phrases . Whatchoo talkin about, santos . Speaking of fools, donald trump. [laughter] hes still out on bail and hitting the trail. Down in west palm beach, florida last night, he comforted a troubled world rocked by recent tragedy. This is the worst microphone ive ever had. I hope you can hear me back here. Justin, dont pay the bills for this microphone. Im blowing out my voice talking into the stupid mike, this is the worst mike ive ever had. Stephen thats the hardest hes been on a mike since pence. [cheering and laughter] im not sure what to make of that. Im not sure what their reaction was, that was neither approval nor laughter. That was like a mad at you that i enjoyed that. He complained on. Turn up the mic is it okay . And then i dont pay a bill and they say trump doesnt pay. Its unbelievable. And i say rotten lousy microphone. The state of it, but its not my deal, its not my deal. I have a good mike. If you dont have a good mike, its a very difficult. You walk out for two weeks you talk and say what the heck happened for his voice . The state of israel is a blessing to the world. Our prayers are with him now. Stephen wow, that was an abrupt turn the lighting here is terrible the deli spread is warm and they dont have any name brand soda, unless you count rc soda, which i do not nana loved life and was taken too soon. [laughter] [cheers and applause] but then he laserfocused on the middle east, and it got even worse. I read all of biden security papers. Can you imagine National Defense people, and they said g, i hope they dont i track from the north because thats the most vulnerable spot. I said wait a minute . Theyre all very smart. You know, i said that president xi of china, 1. 4 billion people he controls them with an iron fist. I said hes a very smart man. I said he was smart. They are very smart. Stepen does he know he doesnt have to compliment all the most evil people who has ever lived . Say what you will, stalin had great teeth. They get mad when i say that he must have flossed. He was a great flosser. What am i going to say . He got right up in on the gum line very good flosser. 4 out of 5 dentists agree. Fdr gingivitis. Thats it, they wouldnt show his gums on tv. [cheers and applause] trump also had this bold prediction for 2024. When we win next november, and will be an epic political earthquake the likes of which the world has never seen before. If we dont win come of this country is going fire heck. Stephen oh no, not fire hell thats the most famous hell thats the brand name hell its much worse than Kirkland Signature heck. So let me get this straight, if he wins, therell be an epic earthquake, and if he loses we get fire hell. He really does think that hes the alpha and the omega. When i die, everyone dies. Okay . When i blink, everyone dies, just for a little bit then theyre back dead. Alive. Dead. Alive. Your dead. Youre alive. Dead. Alive. Dead. Alive. And folks let me ask you this. Can you believe this [bleep] microphone . Trump might have a problem when it comes to this election. In several states, including colorado, minnesota, michigan, new hampshire, arizona, florida, and West Virginia hes facing lawsuits seeking to have him disqualified from the ballot under the 14th amendment. [cheers and applause] obviously, everyone here knows about the 14th amendment. For those of you who dont know the amendments like we do, the 14th is the one right between the 13th and the 15th. The amendment prohibits those who have engaged in insurrection against the United States from Holding Elected Office in whats known as the insurrection clause. Which is also the title of tim allens worst christmas movie. Weve got a great show for you tonight my guest is john mulaney and when we come back meanwhile [cheers and applause] announcer the late show with Stephen Colbert sponsored by allstate. You are good hands. Musical at cretors, we handcraft every batch of our delicious popcorn. Like our cretors cheese and caramel mix. Great on their own, even better together. Try cretors, handcrafted smallbatch popcorn. Stephen welcome back. Stephen will come back, everybody, give it up to louis kato and the late show show band. Tonight we have a delightful guest on the show. A young man ive spoken to many times, mr. John mulaney. Thats right, thats right. [cheers and applause] stephen folks, i spend most of my time, right over there, harvesting the days finest omeshi news silk, weaving, cutting and handsewing it into the most topical story migoro, and okumi, then adding a finely made nagoya obi to create for you the exquisite furisode kimono that is my monologue. But sometimes, while fleeing appalachian bootleggers ive doublecrossed, i steal a kite from a confused child then use the jagged edge of a burned out silo to hack a neck hole into it before i rip some bailing twine off an abandoned haystack for straps and convince myself im in disguise in the demented hobo crop top of news that is my segment. Announcer meanwhile [cheers and applause] stephen meanwhile, right there. Meanwhile, an indiana woman stole a car from a dealership to drive to an exotic dancer interview. Well, of course she stole a car. Bus seats are very uncomfortable in a gstring. Ive got to say, though, i was a [laughter] little dismayed to hear that she stole a kia. Really . If youre going to take all the legal risk of stealing a car, can i suggest you aim a little bit higher . Thats like a bank robber saying, back away from the money. And fill the bag with all those pens with the little chains on them. Meanwhile, on monday the wall street journal celebrated simone biles big win at the World Championships in belgium, tweeting, with 37 world and olympic medals now, simone biles added to her extraordinary legacy. Thats very lovely. Just one problem thats not simone biles in the photograph. Its actually fellow american gymnast shylese jones seen here with biles. After people pointed out the mistake, the journal saw the error of its ways. Tweeting, we have corrected the photo in the story and on social media, adding, we are so sorry, serena williams. We would never intentionally disrespect you in the middle of your renaissance world tour. [laughter and applause] meanwhile, customers with a qualifying order from dominos will now be entitled to a free pizza through dominos new emergency pizza program. Remember, when your emergency pizza deploys, always strap the slice to your face first before helping your child with their pizza. The Program Offers customers a free medium pizza when most needed because according to them, with so much uncertainty in everyday life, Everyone Needs a pizza at some point, adding unfortunately, instead of pizza, you will have to make do with dominos. Domino stockholders here evidently. [laughter] meanwhile, levis ceo suggests wearing your jeans in the shower to help save the planet. While the ceo of zara said, if you do that with our jeans, they will straight up dissolve. [laughter] meanwhile, in michigan the only state with an opposable thumb a shelter is seeking a family for cheeto, so named because he was rescued after he got his head stuck in a plastic container of cheese balls. It makes sense. Cheese balls combine dogs two favorite tastes cheese, and balls. Hes fine. Hes fine. [laughter and cheering] meanwhile, in britain the world conker championship is in question due to soggy chestnuts. Congratulations britain, youve come up with a sentence that sounds even more silly than hello, im Benedict Cumberbatch [laughter] conkers is a british game where each player drills a hole in a chestnut and strings it on a lace, then take turns hitting one anothers chestnuts until one of them breaks. And after that, they continue being virgins. [laughter] [applause] we have no idea, if you are one, good for you. According to a member of the championship organizing committee, the chestnuts harvested for this years competition were found to be too soft and mushy, and the deision to bake the chestnuts has proven controversial to some players. Im not surprised. This story raises all sorts of Big Questions like how did these people have a global empire . [laughter and applause] meanwhile, stouffers has released its firstever advent calendar, and its filled with frozen foods, like family size lasagna with meat and sauce; stouffers bowlfulls chicken bacon ranch bowl; and stouffers ultimate fivecheese mac. On the first day of christmas, my true love gave to me type two diabetes. Well be right back with john mulaney. [cheers and applause] lowering bad cholesterol can be hard, even with a statin. Diets and exercise add to the struggle. Today, its possible to go from struggle to cholesterol success with leqvio. With a statin, leqvio is proven to lower bad cholesterol by 50 and keep it low with 2 doses a year. Common side effects were injection site reaction, joint pain, and chest cold. Ask your doctor about twiceyearly leqvio. Lower. Longer. Leqvio® [traffic noise] [text message] lets ace this thing i got you coffee. Oh my god, what . You literally read my mind. Got you, girl. Its hard to run a business on your own. With shopify, you have everything you need to bring your dream business to life. Because when we work together, the future is bright. Start your journey with a free trial today. Im sholeh, and i lost 75 pounds with golo. I went from a size 20 to a size 6. Before golo, nothing seemed to work. I was exercising for over an hour every day. It was really discouraging. But golos so easy, the weight just falls off. When you bundle your home or renters with your auto, progressive provides protection for almost everything you own. But do you really need. My weighted hoop . Its for my snatched waist. Foot treadmill. Purse that says purse. My tuesday chalice. Lake making kit. Mushroom humidifier. Futuristic coat rack. Tells you how many coats are on it. Two. Feeling sluggish or weighed down . Could be a sign that your digestive system isnt at its best. But a little metamucil everyday can help. Metamucils psyllium fiber gels to trap and remove the waste that weighs you down and also helps lower cholesterol and slows sugar absorption to promote healthy blood sugar levels. So you can feel lighter and more energetic. Lighten every day the metamucil way. And for a delicious way to promote Digestive Health try metamucil fiber thins. Oppers and for a delicious way to promote Digestive Health time to win is running out in our prize packed kick off the savings Monopoly Game hurry in to play for your chance at over 25 million in prizes and money saving offers like this, and this, or even this. Plus, you still have a shot at up to 100,000 in guaranteed prize money. Stop in while you can still win and shop your Favorite Brands sporting the kick off the savings monopoly tag for unlimited bonus game tickets at lucky stephen hey, everybody, welcome back to the late show. You know my guest tonight as a very funny comedian with specials including new in town, kid gorgeous, and his newest one, baby j. Please welcome back to the late show, john mulaney. [cheers and applause] john hey [cheers and applause] stephen there we go. John i know, i know. When i handed it out. Stephen like a beef on a tray. Hello. So, didnt shave, youve changed. John i know. Stephen this is not the john mulaney i remember pierre john i thought this would look nice, ive seen people not wearing shys domestic ties around town. Stephen its more of a more formal john mulaney than im used to. John this is slightly less formal but still very guarded. Stephen you and i keep in touch casually and occasionally over texts. A lot going on, for reasons that we can get into. I have great affection for you. But this is the first time weve had down in person and conversation certainly publicly since you set yourself on fire and ran into traffic. John [laughs] stephen that generally does not work well for people but you seem great. How are you . John i appreciate you. Its fun that we both know its a Richard Pryor reference, but two, those not acquainted with it, you just sounded [laughter] stephen really hostile. John like a sick burn on my own journey. Yes, since i last saw you, ive been in a couple drug rehabs, ive been this december sober three years. [cheers and applause] i i welcomed a wonderful baby boy into the world with my girlfriend olivia. And yet, im back here. [laughter] you know, its been a while, its really nice to see you. You texted me sometime when i was going through a lot and it meant a lot to me because i dont mean like i am worried you thought of me as if you didnt have compassion for someone in that situation, but your opinion means a lot to me. When he reached out, it was extra special in a way. Stephen well, im glad. I think youre very special. Okay, the latest special which i saw live at. John yes, you did you did. Stephen baby j addresses your relapse, intervention, and recovery. When is it like for you to write this and share it with the world . Not everybody would do that. John world sharing wise, that actually doesnt thats the least difficult part about it. I kind of dont have a i have trouble telling maybe three people something personal. But telling like msg 12,000 people is