She was a busy smalltown baker and devout catholic, he was a recently widowed podiatrist who marked the lent calendar with daily devotionals. It turns out the one thing they couldnt give up for lent was love. Ashes two passions, dust to last and she was a single meteorologist who prayed for her love drought to end. He was a great farmer whose uncle was the pope. One day an actual drought brought them together. Would they find love . He has raisen. You will also enjoy these lengths time classics. Wine and rosary, for head over heels, and of course a fine piece of ash. The Hallmark Channel its the late show wit Stephen Colbert tonight, smAsh Wednesday and valentines day with Stephen Stephen welcomes Mark Wahlberg and Lily Gladstone featuring louis cato and the late show band. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert. [cheers and applause] stephen welcome, welcome, and here come out there, all the ships and sees, i am your host, Stephen Colbert. [cheers and applause] i just want to start tonight by saying calm down. Theres no reason to panic, and i know that because of the screaming headlines that say no reaso to panic. Unfortunately, having no reason is my favorite way to panic. All of this because there is some alarming news from ohio are presented and men who just walked in on his son playing catch with another dad, mike turner. The republican chairman of the House Intelligence Committee released an unusual Statement Today warning of a Serious National Security threat without providing any additional details. Thats unnecessarily vague. Its like labeling a pack of cigarettes Surgeon General warning, trust me, you dont want to know. We didnt get much more than that. We didnt get much more than that other than reports that the threat is related to russia. Oh, my god. Is it a bio weapon . Is it cyber warfare . Are they sending stevenson call back . For their part, the white e said they were planning a congressional briefing for tomorrow adding they couldnt added today they were busy stocking up on candles by other congressmen on the Intelligence Committee have stepped forward to call for calm. One connecticut congressman jim himes said i dont want people thinking that martians or landing or that your wednesday is going to be ruined. Martians are landing . Great, now my wednesday is ruined. So that was our midafternoon panic, right . Midafternoon panic. By Late Afternoon we got some more details from sources wit access to highly classified information. So anyone who used the bathroom at maralago. Reportedly, the threat is russia wanting Nuclear Weapons in space, but before you get too worried, the nukes would not be to drop a weapon on earth from orbit, but to possibly use against satellites. Reminds me of that famous quotes from oppenheimer. Now i am become death, destroyer of gps, find your own way to costco. I cannot say this enough, there is no reason to panic about that. The only reason to panic is if you forgot its valentines day. You still have 20 minutes to save your marriage. This is an extra special valentines day this year because valentines day and Ash Wednesday fall in the same day, which explains why the top gift at cbs this year was an adorable toy bear that says for dust thou art and unto dust thou shall return. For any of you viewers who arent catholic, these holidays are very different. Valentines day is all about sensual indulgence and making love, while Ash Wednesday is a day of fasting and reflection marking the start of lent. Some catholics maybe tempted to celebrate both but one official warns Ash Wednesday is far more significant and should be prioritized. Sounds like somebody didnt get a valentines last year. Bishop . This valentines day, nearly half of u. S. Adult population is unmarried. Half, which means statistically speaking theres a 50 chance that if youre married, your spouse is not. Ask. Always ask. With this increase in singles, reports show that self gifting is on the rise. Remember, the Catholic Church is against that too. [cheers and applause] okay. Okay. Thats a stroker. What i dont understand is whats the difference between self gifting and just buying things . This year im gifting myself an oil change and a pack of gum. I am such a terrible gift giver, i have to break up with me, but i cant do it on valentines. Its not just singles, this valentines day, polyamory is getting more attention mostly from that one couple that keeps polyamorous now . Because we are and its totally cool with both of us, right . Honey . Shes cool with it. As a happily married monogamous, i would never go in for polyamory because who has the time . Or the energy, a twoperson relationship is already work enough, im so busy that we work our date nights into the show now. Shes on tonight. Hi, sweetie. [cheers and applause] darling, do enjoy these jokes about polyamory. They are just jokes. [laughter] donald trump celebrated the day by writing a valentine to his wife melania and then having his campaign send a mass email blast with the subject line i love you, melania. Unsubscribe. [laughter and cheering] the actual text of the valentine is actually pretty weird. It reads dear melania, i love you, even after every single indictment, arrest, and witch hunt, you never left my side. Through thick and thin, no matter what the deal through thick and thin, no matter what deal the prosecutors offers offers you, you kept your trap shut. Thats what i call love. Also what our prenup calls minimum negotiated terms. Last night [applause] just last night love. I love love. Last night we got big Election Results in the special election to fill the house seat vacated by republican fabulous George Santos sr. On television for the last time. Republicans were hoping to hang onto the seat with their candidate but the clear winner was democrat, seen here seen here at seaworld begging for fish. [laughter] suazzi, or the suaz, as no one called zoom, won by commanding a point lead where he laid out his vision for america. Its time to find Common Ground and start delivering for the people of the United States of america. Lets take our country back from the dividers. So listen, you want to take the country back from the people are trying to divide it . Are you with me in that fight . Stephen and just so we are clear, there are two groups of people out here, the uniters, thats us, and the dividers, thats them and we are going to crush them beneath our iron boots, right . Death to dividers death [cheers and applause] also had some thank yous he wanted give out. I want to thank the chairman of the Queens Republican Party did i say republican . I dont want to thank the chairman of the Queens Republican Party. I want to thank the queens democratic party. Stephen with a mix up like that a lot of people are asking if suozzi is too old to be president. The district he now represents is the most diverse district in the United States and he made sure to shout out to all his supporters. I want to thank the Jewish Voters of my district who stuck with me. I want to thank the chineseamericans who helped me. I want to thank the korean americans and i want to thank the indian americans, the pakistani, the bangladeshis, the muslim communities. The african americans, latino americans, the white, irish, and italian guys. I want to thank the women stephen and i want to thank men who are under 55. I see you, short kings ive got to thank magness, this one icelandic american guy i see sometimes. Lets see, who am i leaving out, lefthanded ghosts . This is a swing district, so its not a shock that a centrist like him didnt seek Donald Trumps endorsement and the fact that she didnt made him mad as he posted last night republicans just dont learn i have an almost 99 endorsement success rate in primaries and a very good number in general elections. If she just would have embraced trump she could have joined the ranks of Success Stories like senator oz, senator braindamaged and governor different kind of brain damage. Trump truthed on. Most of the Republican Party stayed home and it always will unless it is treated with the respect that it deserves. I stayed out of the race. I want to be loved wow, that came out of nowhere. His subconscious just jumped up his throat and strangle his brain. Right in the middle of his screed. We must get out of nato because they arent paying their fair i want love, daddy, please hug me. Hug me once, share of the Defense Budget so i would incur give me fries, hungry, mommy. Weve got a great show for you tonight. My guest is Mark Wahlberg and Lily Gladstone. When i return, my wife and i have some first draft of valentines day cards and a special announcement. [applause] the late show with Stephen Colbert is sponsored by red lobster. Lobster fest is back. Enjoy ten mouthwatering lobster creations. S, and low blood sugar. A rare, lifethreatening bacterial infection in the skin of the perineum could occur. Stop taking farxiga and call your doctor right away if you have symptoms of this infection, an allergic reaction, or ketoacidosis. When you have chronic kidney disease, its time to ask your doctor for farxiga. Because there are places you want to be. If you cant afford your medication, astrazeneca may be able to help. Farxiga okay, when you turn around, youre gonna see someone. May i have a turkey and cheese . Lets imagine that ll cool j has a bubble around him. Do we want to be inside ohh. Hey, im keith. There are some situations that young homeowners turning into their parents just cant handle. Yeah, there he is. Theres my nephew. Very cool. I got a video of him, uh, playing piano. Thats not how you take a selfie. Progressive cant save you from becoming your parents, but we can save you money when you bundle home and auto with us. Three, two, one. We dont need a countdown. Just take the picture. Stephen the late show bands. Happy valentines, my friends, happy valentine. You love bucket. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight a couple of incredible guests coming out here. We have the one, the only, you know him, you love him, mr. Mark wahlberg will be out here. And after that i am pretty excited to talk to oscar nominee for killers of the flower moon, Lily Gladstone will be out here. As i was saying before, its valentines day and some folks, cynical people, say this is a hallmark holiday ginned up to sell candy but it has a special meaning for me because i once fell in love after being struck in the heart with an arrow shot by a man in a diaper. Thanks, i hope the medication is working. And whats valentines day without some valentines da cards and we will take a look at some of those in my segment, first drafts. [cheers and applause] of course i cant do this alone, of course i cant do this alone, please welcome my own valentine, my wife evie mcgee. Evie . Hello. [cheers and applause] hello. I love that dress. Thank you. Hi thank you thank you stephen now, darling, a traditional gift for valentines is flowers and chocolate and stuff like that but im sorry i dont have those, but we have a gift for each other tonight. This is very exciting. Stephen this is absolutely true, evie and i have written a cookbook. We have stephen there it is. There it is. [cheers and applause] its called does this taste funny. Tell them when its coming out. It comes out on september 17th, which makes it a perfect gift for stephen perfect gift for whos got a birthday on the day . Senator grassley has a birthday. And kyle chandler. We will send it to them but you guys order it ahead because thats a good thing to do. Stephen you can just click on that right there and preorder from here, i dont know where that takes you. I apologize ahead of time, i hope its not a cult, or wherever you buy books. Does this taste funny. Am i leaving . Stephen no im thanking you for writing this book with me. I will say this, i think this cookbook should be an example for all couples of hope. [laughter] an example of hope for all couples. Stephen why is it an example of hope for all couples . Because i cannot even chop celery without you telling me im doing it wrong. [boos] its all good now and now weve written a cookbook together. I feel like im being a little mean. I will back up. Stephen i wrote a book. Its beautiful its beautiful we did it together stephen it was an act of love and you made it ugly. We should do first drafts before our relationship deteriorates completely. You know how this works. We have all whole bunch of lovely valentines cards here and youre going to hand me, if you dont mind, the first card. The first car will have the actual valentine that was sold and the second will be the first draft that was not good enough to be sold. Clear . Yes. Stephen ive got to warn everybody, if youve got kids in the room, this one is a little spicy. It says you will always have a pizza my heart, i want to stuff your crust, baby. I told you that was a little spicy. Would you have said that to a girlfriend in college or anything or would that be spicy. Stephen the first . I wouldve been afraid to be the first draft said, youll always have a pizza in my heart, sorry about my weird looking sausage great i probably wouldve said that. Thats worse stephen darling, as you know, we are not going out to dinner after this. Are you okay with that . Totally. Stephen good, because my idea of a romantic evening as we get to bed by 9 30. We could have wine and cheese and crackers. Thats our fancy thing. Stephen ill do that. Thats what we do most of the time just wine i convince you to have wine because youre like we are not going to have some wine and then i have some wine and you say give me a taste of that and then i just go get the bottle and a straw for you. Heres one. I cherish celebrating all valentines traditions with you. Chocolate, roses, and love, love, love. Thats sweet. Stephen that is sweet. But the first draft said, i cherish celebrating all valentines traditions with you. Gathering a bunch of roman priests in the secret cave to celebrate the pagan holiday for slapping women with a goat to encourage fertility. Look it up. You have said that. Stephen i would have said this in college, thats why i didnt have a girlfriend. Heres a nice card. If we are just like romeo and juliet, a love for the ages. Very sweet. Where is this going to go . Stephen the first draft where is this one going to go . How can you make that sound right . Stephen the second one should be a little bit of a switch up. Im all ears. Whats it going to say . Stephen okay. [laughter] im so sorry stephen i love when you come on and deconstruct the nature of comedy. What could the next one say . The next one cant be the same. [cheers and applause] i think you gave me a lesson in comedy very early on. Stephen what did i do . Wasnt raiders of the lost ark . Stephen i think it was raiders of the lost ark. It wasnt comedy, it was a lesson in, like, suspending your disbelief to enjoy anything. I believe im a very practical person. Stephen i believe we watched and you said he couldnt survive that, being dragged there, he would have died. Stephen cant get dragged behind a truck, thats not going to work. [laughter] and i thought to myself she seems fun. And you are, your great fun. Turned out you made me more fun. Stephen no, no, youve made me a more responsible person. This is not in the cookbook. Stephen this is kind of what the cookbook is like, actually. Heres the first draft. Heres the first draft. Remember the last one was about romeo and juliet . Heres the first draft, we are just like romeo and juliet. Okay, actually just read the play, why do we let teenagers read this . Its a sad story, thats why. It is, it is. Oh, beatles. I like this. Stephen heres a nice card like the beatles said, all you need is love, but heres the first draft. Like the beatles said, suddenly elementary penguins singing hare krishna, should have seen them kicking edgar allan poe. They had some good drugs. What do you are we giving each other presents . No, good very good. Because you said we werent. And we are not. Stephen and i didnt. Did you get anything for me . Yes i did. Thank you, they were lovely. Stephen youre welcome. Had to drag that out of you. [laughter] heres a sciencewhite one. It says, happy valentines day. Our love is like the universe, always expanding. Suite. Stephen the first draft said, happy valentines day. Its been 13. 7 billion years since we had a big bang. [cheers and applause] evie mcghee, everybody we will be right back with Mark Wahlberg [cheers and applause] [sfx game controller] when occasional heartburn wont let you sleep. [sfx game controller] get fast relief with tums heartburn sleep support. Love food back and fall asleep faster. Tums tums tums tums one in five Children Worldwide are faced with the reality of living without food, no family dinners, no special treats, not enough energy to play. All around the world, hunger is affecting childrens physical and Mental Health. Toddlers are suffering from acute malnutrition, which stunts their growth. 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