Two oldest candidates in u. S. History duking it out in the longest president ial campaign weve ever seen. You love highflying, buzzer beating, slamdunking tournament action from the ncaas top 68 teams. But in this march madness, its just two old men oneonone, playing for eight months. One is old, likes ice cream and trains. The other is old, loves porn stars and will die in jail if he loses. The winner is the first to 270 or whoever doesnt die first. Catch all the old man action on the court and in the court. March madness 2024. Alleyoops we did it again. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight. Face the nomination plus, stephen welcomes paul rudd and cecilia vega with special appearances by jon hamm and amy sedaris. Featuring live louis cato and the late show band. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert [cheers and applause] stephen i love you youve got to milk it. Thanks, everybody. Welcome. Please have a seat. Welome one at all, ladies and gentlemen, to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. [cheering] what a Beautiful Day in new york. I just want to reassure all of you watching that no one who works at my show saw one minute of it. We were inside in our dark, dirty rooms, writing tonights monologue. Please enjoy responsibly. Well, folks, the inevitable has inevited, because after sweeping last nightsprimaries, trump has locked up the nomination. [booing] yes, i thoroughly agree. Nomination was not what i wanted to hear after the words trump and locked up. Now, he wasnt got that out . Of course, he wasnt alone. Last night, joe biden also locked up the democratic nomination. So, we. [cheering] a little slow on that one, i gotta say. So theyre stepping back in the ring for a heavyweight rematch. Its like if muhammad ali fought joe frazier. Now. The American People. Im so pretty. Im so pretty. The American People will be faced with a nearly eightmonthlong general election battle that has, in some ways, already been underway for several weeks. Several weeks . feels a lot longer than that. Can we get a fact check . How long has it been . Its been 84 years. Stephen thank you. Thank you. She was an intern when this started. She was a College Intern when this campaign started. 2024 will also be the countrys first president ial rematch in nearly 70 years, when dwight d. Eisenhower defeated Adlai Stevenson for the second time. Now, unfortunately for stevenson, i like ike was just so much catchier than adlai . I agrai i could have done it. After sealing the nom, biden released a slick video ending with a call to action that reads simply lets go. I see what youre going for, but without an exclamation mark, lets go seems less inspirational and more a spouse whos ready to leave the company party. Look, theyre out of food and i keep getting stuck talking to your boss. [applause] while joe offered up a traditional and wellproduced campaign video, the trump team had a different approach. Hello, everyone. Its your favorite president speaking to you on a really great day of victory. Stephen spoken with all the enthusiasm of a man who woke up in the hallway of a holiday inn express. What . Huh . Okay, is the waffle bar still open . Now that the general election matchup is set, we can focus on the central policy issue of 2024 which guys brains no work good. Yesterday, the house g. O. P. Grilled special counsel robert hur, trying to get him to testify that biden is in cognitive decline. Of course, democrats defended biden and attempted to undercut the g. O. P. s message with the help of this video of trump being mentally feeble. Viktor orban. Did anyone ever hear of him . Hes the leader of turkey. I dont like mosquitoes. Its called, like, up here. And its called memory. And its called other things. So you dont remember saying you have one of the best memories in the world . I dont remember that. Saudi arabia and russia will repedur ahhhh. Stephen ahhh. Trump did not like the video showing that hes losing the cognitive. So he went on truth social last night and played the getoutofreality card. Artificial intelligence was used by them against me in their videos of me. Cant do that, joe he is right. You cant do that. Even a. I. Couldnt come up with ahhhh. Ah, ahhh. But these are definitely real and i know that because we have here at the late show cut together these same montages so let me just ask my footage department. The video we use, thats not a. I. , right . No. They were totally real, steve. Stephen thanks, bill. One thing thats very real is trumps hush money trial, which is slated to start in just two weeks. Yesterday, trump rolled out a nifty new legal strategy, informing the court that hell argue he didnt commit any wrongdoing because his lawyers were involved in the incident. Yes, thats a little known loophole. If theres a lawyer there, nothing is a crime. Thats why Alan Dershowitz is allowed to run those profitable cockfights. But he keeps his underwear on. Theres an official term for my lawyer told me it was okay. Its called the advice of counsel defense. But according to trumps team, their argument will not be a formal adviceofcounsel defense. Its more informal. They dont want to put a label on it. Your honor, not to be cringe, but were not doing the adviceofcounsel thing, it will be more of a vibe check of counsel. No, no. Youre delulu. Theyre delulu fans. Trumps lawyers are also asking to delay the hush money trial indefinitely until trumps immunity claim in his election interference case is resolved, because they say some of the evidence and alleged acts in the hush money case overlap with his time in the white house and constitute official acts. How is that better . Yes, i torched a buildabear workshop, but before you judge me, keep in mind, when i bought the kerosene, i was president of the United States. Now, trump needs. [cheering] trump needs cash to pay his legal bills, and to get it, he has taken over the Republican National committee. He recently replaced the rnc leadership with his cronies, including daughterinlaw and Plastic Surgery whos had some woman done, lara trump. Laras credentials to run a major Party Organization include none, so when she was nominated, she was introduced this way. In a world where qualifications are often measured by titles and years of experience, were reminded of a powerful truth. God does not call the qualified, he qualifies the called. Lara trump is the embodiment of this truth. Stephen sure, lara trump may not be qualified. She may not have experience doing things, but she has done what no one thought possible she married eric trump. So, we are where we are. Way to go, god. Way to go. Now, once lara was in charge, her team got right to work making the rnc great again by firing dozens of employees. That blindsided longtime rnc staff, one of whom told reporters, gutting a Committee Just before the election seems insane. Insane . Really . Would an insane man say this . Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah. Stephen damn you, ai but. [applause] but lara has a plan to replace all the experienced staff she just liquidated. Right now we have the firstever Election Integrity division at the rnc. If you want to volunteer as a poll watcher, poll worker, or a volunteer lawyer. Because we want those as well. Stephen im sorry. Did you say volunteer lawyer . I think rudys ears just perked up. Put me in, lara i work pro bono. Also, pro bordeaux, prochardonnay, and pro lo mein i just found in the dumpster. Get back, raccoon its mine get back it wasnt just staff. The rnc is also cutting some of its initiatives, starting with ending the g. O. P. Minority outreach program. So sad. They were just about to identify a minority to reach out to. Now, one person who doesnt need a Political Party is independent candidate rfk jr. He has been in a bit of hot water, which is one of the reasons he looks parboiled. The other reason is that he has admitted to flying on Jeffrey Epsteins plane. Well, last week, a podcaster asked him about that, and his explanation was refreshingly disturbing. You know, im in new york for most of my life. So yeah, so i run into everybody in new york. I mean, i knew harvey weinstein. I knew roger ailes. I knew oj simpson came to my house. Bill cosby came to my house. Stephen i mean, you gotta understand, r. Kelly is my roommate. Im pen pals with danny masterson. My groomsmen were kevin spacey, armie hammer, and the son of sam. I once had dinner with jeffrey dahmer, and i knew it was people what can i say . I live in new york now, rfk is not the only n now, rfk is not letting the controversy slow him down. Yesterday, we learned that he is reportedly considering Aaron Rodgers for veep. Thats a risky move to pick rodgers. cause if weve learned one thing, its that the minute he starts running, hes gonna snap his achilles. But philosophically, its a good match, philosophically because like his buddy rfk jr. , rodgers is antivax. But thats not all he would bring to the ticket. Hes also known for talking about pooping in the dark at an isolation retreat, touting the healing powers of dolphins mating sounds, and advocating for psychedelics and ayahuasca. This would not be the first president ial ticket to embrace psychotropic drugs. Who can forget William Henry harrisons 1840 campaign . Trippycanoe and spiders ahhhh theres no actual spiders. Rodgers isnt the only contender. Bobby jr. Is evidently also considering former minnesota governor and frankenstein at a phish concert, jesse ventura. No final decision yet, but rfk jr. Did confirm that both men are at the top of his list. And i think i can guess the rest of that list. Harvey weinstein. Oj simpson. Bill cosby. Stephen we got a great show for you tonight my guests are paul rudd and 60 minutes cecilia vega. But when we come back, a very Important Message with some very famous friends. Stick around. Youre gonna learn something. Announcer the late show with Stephen Colbert sponsored by neutrogena at rapid wrinkle repair. Works on fine lines and wrinkles in just one week. you made a cow actually its a piggy bank. My inspiration to start saving. How about a more solid way to save . Im listening. Well, bmo helps get your savings habit into shape with a cash reward, every month you save. Both cash reward . And theres a cash bonus when you open a new Checking Account to get you started. Wow. Anything you cant do . mugs. Bmo stephen welcome back, everybody. Give it up for louis cato and the late show band, everybody, right over there. My friends. All my friends. Thank you very much. In just a few moments, he just a few moments we have from 60 minutes correspondent cecilia vega will be out here just a moment and before that, a delightful person, wonderful actor, very funny guy and just a nice person. Paul rudd will be out here just a moment. From the ghostbusters movie coming out in just a moment. Folks, i have really enjoyed this years awards season. Because if theres one thing i love, its movies. I love the moment when the lights go down and you step in, you pop open a fresh bottle of shampoo and you just start scrub im sorry. I just realized i was talking about showers. But movies are great too i mea, the curtains close, the steam rises up and its a little too hot before your skin gets in. And hang on. Why am i talking about showers again . Movies, movies, movies. Right, okay. Tell you what. Do you like to go to the movies, loofah . Louis uh, its louis. Stephen i know that. Why, whatd i say . Louis you called me loofah. Stephen really . Louis mmhmm. Stephen okay. Well, anyway, it doesnt matter. There were so many great films this past year featuring great actors, margot robbie, pert plus, cillian murphy. Stephen . Stephen, are you okay . Is everything okay . Stephen yeah, im fine. Im just doing this segment about movies for the greatest audience in the world [cheering] [ominious music] hold on. Hold on. I just need a minute. Hold on. Hold on. Ill be back. Snap out of it, colbert why do you keep talking about showers . You love movies. Theyre your favorite part of the morning routine. The lathering, the scrubbing. What am i saying . she got you too, huh . Stephen jon hamm. Wait. What do you mean, she got me too . The shower witch. Stephen who . Oh, you sweet fool. The shower witch. The magical being that guards the barrier between the showers and reality. Stephen i thought she was just an urban legend. [growling] you must have angered her. Think what could you have done to anger the shower witch . Stephen i dont know. The only thing i can think of is that i stayed in a hotel last week. Both and you know how theres those two shower curtains and one goes on the inside and the outside . Well, i accidentally put them both on the outside and the floor got a little wet stephen oh, my god how do i make this right . I got a shower to do. Dont you mean show . Stephen thats what i said. You listen to me or youll end up just like me. Everything i love is a shower. My shower . My shower even the time i spend in my shower. Stephen gah i cant even shower at night, stephen im tossing and turning in my tub. In my tub stephen theres no such thing as a shower witch. Theres no such thing as a shower witch. Oh, yes, there is. Stephen ahh shower witch thought you could bend the rules, colbert. Water belongs in the tub, not on the floor stephen i wasnt thinking. Well, now youll think of nothing but showers until you can answer the riddle of the shower witch. What walks on four legs in the morning . Stephen oh i know this one. Its man. You didnt let me finish. Stephen okay. Four legs in the morning, four legs in the afternoon, and four legs in the evening. Stephen uh. Is it a dog . Doesnt count you already said man. Stephen please theres gotta be another way if you can guess my name, the curse will end. Stephen guess your name . But thats impossible. Uh, i dont know. Helen . Ah curses that was luck doesnt count if its luck. Stephen darn it last chance, fatso. A boy and his father in a terrible car accident. They get to the emergency room. The doctor says i cant operate on that patient. Hes my son. How is that possible . Stephen is the doctor the boys other father . [bleep] you nobody gets that fine. The curse is ended, colbert. For now. [cackling] [cheers and applause] stephen folks, weve had some fun tonight but at the heart of our silly little skit is a very serious message. You should never leave both curtains outside your shower. Stephen its one of the top reasons the bathroom floors get a little wet. Not super wet but deftly kind of damp. Stephen if youre one of the americans affected by slightly wet bathroom floors type the link below into your web browser for a tollfree number you can call. Operators will be standing by to mail you a qr code you can scan to take you to that browser link. Together we can make a difference. Stephen take it for me, Stephen Colbert. Me, jon hamm. And me, actor and lifelong new Yorker Robert de niro. Keep your bathroom floors drive by making sure the inside shower curtain stays inside the tub. Good night. And good scrub. Stephen well be right back with paul rudd. luke this will be a gold mine of local intel. Just you wait. marci right. So, tell us about this corn festival . stylist 1 oooh you got your corn pudding. You got your corn chowder. marci so. Is it safe around here . stylist 2 sometimes. luke if a family of eight were to need a cold plunge, where would they find it . stylist 1 . And then they dip it in butter, then bam, it goes right in. stylist 2 . Really cute vampire bar. stylist 1 the reverend does like a blessing on the corn. luke donut shops. How far from here . marci no eyebrows . luke think of how light itll feel in the summer. Weve got to run. Eleven thousand more neighborhoods to go vo ding dong homesdotcom. When you have chronic kidney disease. There are places youd like to be. Like here. And here. Not so much here. Farxiga reduces the risk of kidney failure which can lead to dialysis. Farxiga farxiga can cause serious side effects, including ketoacidosis that may be fatal, dehydration, urinary tract or genital yeast infections, and low blood sugar. A rare, lifethreatening bacterial infection in the skin of the perineum could occur. Stop taking farxiga and call your doctor right away if you have symptoms of this infection, an allergic reaction, or ketoacidosis. When you have chronic kidney disease, its time to ask your doctor for farxiga. Because there are places you want to be. If you cant afford your medication, astrazeneca may be able to help. Farxiga alice loves the scent of gain so much, she wished there was a way to make it last longer. Say hello to your fairy godmother alice and longlasting gain scent beads. Part of the irresistible scent collection from gain im gonna hold you forever. Ill be there. You dont. You dont have to worry. [cheers and applause] stephen welcome back, everybody. Ladiesand gentlemen, my first guest tonight is an actor you know from this is 40, antman, and ghostbusters afterlife. Please welcome back to the late show, my friend and yours, mr. Paul rudd. [cheers and applause] wichita lineman. Paul oh, my god oh, my gosh. That was so nice. Thank you. Wichita lineman, all right. Stephen nice to see you again. Paul nice to see you. Stephen weve got a lot to talk about what we could just sit here too because your Pleasant Company and they say if you can find a friend you can be quiet with them hold on to that person. Paul im so happy you feel that way. I feel that way about you. We could just be in each Others Company and not even talk. Stephen who cares what movie youre here to promote. Just read a book. I do want to talk about one thing before we get all quiet together. That is the last time you were here, you may not remember because its been a minute. Last time you were here, it was the day that you were named People Magazine sexiest man alive. [cheering] and since then. Paul not anymore. Stephen no. How does it feel to return to merely being a man alive. Paul im just alive now. It doesnt feel much different. Stephen im not saying that you are devoid of sexy. Paul i dont know. I dont think i was really warranted the award in the first place. Stephen hey, look. Paul no, no, no. Stephen come on. Its People Magazine. [cheering] paul let me just say, though, re