American universities make the mistake of existing. But Trump University had the wisdom to be shut down for fraud 13 years ago. Sign up at Trump University. Warning you cannot sign up for something that was shut down for racketeering. You cant set up a tent on a place that cant legally exist announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight. Breaking the grass ceiling. And Carol Burnett takes the colbert questionert. Plus, stephen welcomes phil keoghan and musical guest Jacob Collier. Featuring louis cato and the late show band. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen perfect. Whoo thank you, my friends, please. You are all my friends. Welcome one and all in here, out there, to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. [cheering] folks, its no secret im an entertainer, but i pride myself on not pandering to my audience, and im not afraid to stand on this stage and ask the tough questions, like who here smokes weed . [cheering] im calling your parents. Well, theres good news for anybody who likes doobing a rollie, because yesterday, the Biden Administration announced plans to reclassify marijuana, easing restrictions nationwide. [cheers and applause] nationwide. Everywhere. Do you understand what this means . It means here in new york, it will somehow be even easier to get pot. cause based on what i smell walking down the street, i think when you come out of the lincoln tunnel, they just pack it in your tailpipe. Now technically, this isnt legalization, just reclassification. Presently, cannabis is a schedule 1 drug. Socalled because for many smokers, its the number one thing on their schedule. Schedule 1 is very serious. Schedule 1 means weed is considered higher risk than cocaine and meth. Thats insane. If those drugs are safer than marijuana, why do you never hear of a doctor prescribing medicinal meth . Dr. Larson, your tests show a concerning lack of spiders crawling under your skin. I want you to smoke two of these rocks of crack and scream at me through the bedroom window in the morning. You can just leave most of your teeth with the nurse on the way out. But now, with this new change, weed will be a schedule 3 drug, alongside ketamine and some anabolic steroids. Yes, weed and steroids will be in the same league. So get ready for phish fans who are jacked. The question you may be asking steve. Why is big daddy biden passing out the fat blunts . Speculation is because easing weed restrictions could help biden boost flagging support, particularly among younger voters. Yes, it could help biden, or it could lead to a writein campaign for dude, lets put rainbow sprinkles on the lo mein. Crunchy, its sweet. Today was the day off, right . Wednesday. Today is a day off from Donald Trumps hush money trial, which gave him precious time at home to fart at his family. Now we still dont at this point if the jury will find him guilty, but we do know theyve found him sleepy. Because, according to reports, yesterday, donald trump fell asleep in court again. Oh, so the trial for him covering up having sex with Stormy Daniels is a lot like him having sex with Stormy Daniels. [cheering] he. He lasts only a few furious minutes and then nods off. Trump has fallen asleep so many times at this point that his attorneys are reportedly trying a number of different devices to keep him awake. Yes, many devices, the most successful of which has been nuggets on a string. Is that a real photo . We didnt mock that up. Thats an actual photo of donald trump. One new strategy is that when the legal teams sidebar with the judge, an attorney doesnt leave trumps side anymore because leaving him alone means leaving him to potentially sleep. He cant stay awake if hes alone for 30 seconds . This does not bode well for a second term. Mr. President , i want you to know seal team 6 is in position to strike. We just need your goahead and hes fallen asleep again. Tell you what. Im gonna draw a penis on his forehead. There you go. There you go. The lawyers have also given trump stuff to keep him busy. Because now he has a stack of papers with him at all times to go through. Yes, it comes with crayons. Oh word search im great at this. I found glerb, lerb, and word search now, trump, he snoozed through some pretty interesting testimony yesterday. We learned yesterday the mechanics of how exactly he paid off Karen Mcdougal and Stormy Daniels, thanks to a new witness, California Attorney keith davidson, seen here saying, oh, god. Are the books right behind me . How did they get out here in the forest . Davidson is a lawyer out of Beverly Hills who offers services ranging from personal injury to std lawsuits. Has your junk been hurt in an accident . Did you slip and fall into a pile of herpes . Call 555penisow little early. A little early on the penisow davidson is a key witness because he represented both Stormy Daniels and Karen Mcdougal in their legal agreements to keep silent about their affairs with trump. Yes, trumps wanderin shroom has created a new area of law. My son is in law school. Oh, really . Whats he studying . Light butt play. [laughter] we had some discussions about a bad backstage. Light butt play. Thats a funny word. Now, while Karen Mcdougal was paid by the national enquirer, stormy was supposed to be paid off by trump himself. So no surprise, davidson testified that the money wasnt sent by the agreedupon deadline, because trump idnt want to spend the money. How cheap is this guy . It is days from the election in 2016. The campaign is on the line, but he still wont pony up. Tell you what. Ask her if shell take a coupon. Ill trade her silence for. Halfoff rug shampooing. This is an exciting day for trump in a way, because hes on the cover of Time Magazine once again with the title if he wins. [booing] answer we are screwed. cause the interview in the magazine is pretty chilling. In it, he talks about mass deportations, he doesnt rule out Political Violence in the 2024 election, and when asked about pardoning imprisoned january 6th defendants, he says, i would consider that, yes, if somebody was evil and bad, i would look at that differently. cause evil and bad is a terrible combination. Not many people are both. Evel knievel was evil, not bad. No, listen up. This is true. Bad bunny . Bad, not evil. Some say not even a bunny. So he could be lying about all of it. Which if you think about it, pretty evil. Trump tried to dodge any question at all about abortion by claiming he would leave it up to the states, but said hes fine with states monitoring pregnant women so they dont get abortions. Then why stop at pregnancy . Why not monitor women for their entire cycle . Open up open up its the feds its gonna be a light day [laughter] not sure how i was holding that bullhorn. Talking into a hoagie. Light butt play. Light butt play. What do you think of that . What are you think about, what about you, ed . You ever have light butt play . What about you, doc . Trump also assured the nation that hes going to be way better at staffing this time around, saying, the advantage i have now is i know everybody. I know people. I know the good, the bad, the stupid, the smart. You can just say good and smart, we already know youre pretty tight with the bad and the stupid. Theyre your sons. [cheering] yesterday, he also called into fox news and weighed in on the ongoing conflict in the middle east. We have to let israel complete their war on terror. Its a horrible thing. But they have to do it. And they have to do it fast. Stephen yes, horrible things are only horrible if they arent done really fast. Kids, i am leaving you and your mom for my college intern, but its okay cause im leaving in a jetpack. Pshhhh. Pshhhh. Then trump did an interview on a local fox affiliate in michigan for the unfortunately named segment and this is true let it rip. I was assured this was the place i could let it rip. Thank you for having me. I will not be taking questions at this time. [laughter] trump later appeared on the shows cooking segment, cut the cheese, their uptotheminute weather forecast, breaking wind, and their feelgood Human Interest segment oh, my god. Did somebody slaughter a goat in here . We got a great show for you tonight my guests are Carol Burnett and phil keoghan. From the amazing race. When we come back, trumps vp pick. Could it be you . Stick around. Announcer the late show with Stephen Colbert sponsored by always ultra thins with rapid dry technology that absorbs two times faster than the leading store brand. [cheers and applause] stephen welcome back, everybody. Give it up for louis cato and the late show band right over there. [cheers and applause] my friends, and you are my friends, coming up in just a moment, you know the amazing race. Wednesday nights here on the cbus. Host phil croghan will be out just a moment to talk about all the amazing race as they are doing this year. This is quite an honor. The great, the one, the only Carol Burnett will be taking the colbert questionert. One of my faves of all time. You can see carol on palm royale on apple tv . Check that out, folks. Ladies and gentlemen, a few minutes ago i was standing over there, talking about donald trump. But thats, thats the old stephen. The new steve is going to sit over here and talk about donald trump and and this is important. Its not just him. Were going to be talking about who he might choose as his running mate. Currently, the hot new name is north dakota governor doug burgum, seen here being less interesting than a wooden post. Burgum is a rising star in republican politics. You know his slogan, vote dave or doug . Is it doug . Burgum is the most exciting potential running mate since 2016 when Hillary Clinton picked. No idea. Even though burgummania isnt yet sweeping the country, in recent weeks, sources say, trump frequently has brought up burgums name. Hey, sources, i hate to burst your bubble, but he wasnt saying burgum. He was saying, burger yum [cheers and applause] so who is dougie b . Hes a staunchly conservative businessman worth at least 100 million, who may be best known for qualifying for the 2024 republican primary debates by offering 20 gift cards to anyone who would donate at least one dollar to him. Spend 20, make 1 is also the official sales pitch of draft kings. Draft kings your kid never rode that bike anyway. Light butt play. [laughter] uh. Burgums in the veepstakes because recently one of the previous candidates, lets say, took themselves out of the running. Im talking about south dakota governor kristi noem, seen here about to rap about plumbing. Earlier this week, noem willingly revealed that she. How do i put this delicately . Murdered a puppy in cold blood. Some in trumps orbit have tried to defend noem, such as don jr. Fiancee and Big Mouth Billy Bass that only says slurs, kimberly guilfoyle. Yesterday, guilfoyle spun her own Conspiracy Theory about what really happened. Why the hell would kristi noem put that thing about shooting her dog who was 14 months old in a book . I dont know what happened. Maybe somebody slipped that in, and she didnt see it, i dont know. Stephen yes. Which is more likely . That she actually did it or that someone slipped a long and detailed story about how she killed a puppy and then a goat in her book but she never saw it, and then tricked her into going on twitter to repeatedly defend it. But who could possibly be so devious . Could it be ghosts . Probably. Shes killed a lot of things. Now, this confession of being a petting zoo serial killer got noem a bit of backlash, including from a member of her own party. Utah senator mitt romney, seen here enjoying the onfield antics of the philly phanatic. Back when romney was running for president , he had his own canine scandal, when it was revealed he strapped his dogs kennel to the roof of his car during a 12hour road trip to canada, despite the irish setter suffering from diarrhea. Despite. Not because of the diarrhea . Uh, why are you putting the dog on the roof . Could it have anything to do with the highpressure dookage soaking the backseat . Not at all. Why do you ask . Next up, manitoba, kids. Putting your dog on the roof is not only cruel to the dog but very cruel to the guy behind you in the convertible. Louis wow. Wow. Stephen but romney is feeling vindicated that hes not the worst dogabuser in his party, proclaiming, i didnt eat my dog. Mitt, no one brought that up, buddy. I didnt eat my dog. I didnt put any kittens in the dishwasher, and ive never pleasured myself to the onfield antics of the philly phanatic. Well be right back with Carol Burnett. [ ] how you feel can be affected by the bacteria in your gut. Try new align probiotic bloating relief plus food digestion. It contains a probiotic to help relieve occasional bloating, plus vitamin b12 to aid digestion. Try align probiotic. Its hard to run a business on your own. Make it easier on yourself. With shopify, you can have your inventory, payments, and customers in sync across all the places you sell. Start your journey with a free trial today. [inner voice] is it menopause or Something Else . The menopause journey has stages. Learn about yours with clearblue menopause stage indicator that tracks your fsh hormone levels combining them with your cycle data. Whats your menopause stage . Sometimes jonah wrestles with falling asleep. So he takes zzzquil. The worlds 1 sleep aid brand. And wakes up feeling like himself. 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Some of the greatest performers come out here and i like the opportunity to delve a little deeper, to really see their soul and reveal their true self not only to me but to the world. Im just curious, Carol Burnett, would you be willing to take this thing we call the colbert questionert. [cheers and applause] okay . Okay. Here we go. First question of the colbert questionert, Carol Burnett, what is the best sandwich . Carol oh, i like grilled cheese. [cheers and applause] stephen classic. Classic. Do you do butter on the outside, mayonnaise on the outside . Carol sliced tomato. Stephen that classes it up nicely. Carol may be a little mayonnaise. Stephen okay. What is the scariest animal . Carol snake. Stephen classic. Apples or oranges, carol . Carol oh. I like both. [applause] stephen you cant put Peanut Butter on an orange. Have you ever asked someone for their autograph . Carol yes. Stephen may i ask who . Carol linda darnell. Youre not going to remember her. But she was one of my favorite actresses when i was a little girl. She was so beautiful and she was from texas. Thats where i was born. And my grandmother and i were hanging over the ropes, watching all the movie stars coming in to the premiers. I was 9 years old. Linda darnell is walking by. [gasps] and my grandmother, linda grabbed her by the arm. She said give this little girl your autograph. She loves you. She looked at me and she said hi, sweetheart. Whats your name . I told her. Im looking up this gorgeous face and shes writing it. And i look and her nostrils didnt match. [laughter] they were just a little different shape. You know. Let me see your nostrils . Same thing. Theyre not exactly the same. Stephen perfect. Carol i know. [laughs] stephen youve got to give me his card. What do you think happens when we die . Carol whoa. Stephen its a really quick trip from best sandwich to what do you think happens when we die . Carol i think theres something there thats more than what we know, i do. Ive had many experiences in my life that you cant quite explain. Stephen some spirit from the other side . Carol signs, yeah. Stephen wow. It sounds or just a wink from the universe . Carol [laughs] certain things where i wanted rain for instance, a certain thing, and it rained what i wanted to. Also. I wont go into it. My daughter carrie who passed away 20 years ago. We were working together and doing a play on broadway. She died before we could finish it and so it was up to me to finish it. The great hal prince was directing. He was going to go to broadway. I flew to new york, chicago, to do the rehearsals and stuff. I just said i need a little prayer. I need, carrie, i need you to be with me. When i got to the hotel room, there was a huge array of birds of paradise on the coffee table. And they were from howell prince, the director. He said see you tomorrow in rehearsal. I called and i said how did you know this and the birds of paradise . He said i didnt. I just call the florist and they sent them. The birds of paradise is carries favorite flower and it was tattooed on the back of her shoulder. Stephen thats lovely. Carol the next night we had dinner with hal. The maitre d brought a bottle of champagne. It said louise. That was kerrys middle name and my mothers name. I kind of think thats around. Stephen i know the feeling. Thats lovely. You have a favorite action movie . [laughter] it dips pretty quick. It dips pretty quick after that one. Its an emotional roller coaster, the questionnaire. Carol action movie . I loved dances with wolves. Few others some action in there. Carol and shawshank redemption. Step