It looks like theyve got it maybe clamped down. But it should never have gotten to this and they should have done it a lot sooner. Are you looking for a university with no political protests . Look no further than Trump University. Trump university has stopped all student protests on campus by having no students and no campus. Unlike Trump University, most american universities make the mistake of existing. But Trump University had the wisdom to be shut down for fraud 13 years ago. Sign up at Trump University. Warning you cannot sign up for something that was shut down for racketeering. You cant set up a tent n a place that cant legally exist announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight. Breaking the grass ceiling. And Carol Burnett takes the colbert questionert. Plus, stephen welcomes phil keoghan and musical guest Jacob Collier. Featuring louis cato and the late show band. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen perfect. Whoo thank you, my friends, please. You are all my friends. Welcome one and all in here, out there, to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. [cheering] folks, its no secret im an entertainer, but i pride myself on not pandering to my audience, and m not afraid to stand on this stage and ask the tough questions, like who here smokes weed . [cheering] im calling your parents. Well, theres good news for anybody who likes doobing a rollie, because yesterday, the Biden Administration announced plans to reclassify marijuana, easing restrictions nationwide. [cheers and applause] nationwide. Everywhere. Do you understand what this means . It means here in new york, it will somehow be even easier to get pot. cause based on what i smell walking down the street, i think when you come out of the lincoln tunnel, they just pack it in your tailpipe. Now technically, this isnt legalization, just reclassification. Presently, cannabis is a schedule 1 drug. Socalled because for many smokers, its the number one thing on their schedule. Schedule 1 is very serious. Schedule 1 means weed is considered higher risk than cocaine and meth. Thats insane. If those drugs are safer than marijuana, why do you never hear of a doctor prescribing medicinal meth . Dr. Larson, your tests show a concerning lack of spiders crawling under your skin. I want you to smoke two of these rocks of crack and scream at me through the bedroom window in the morning. You can just leave most of your eeth with the nurse on the way out. But now, with this new change, weed will be a schedule 3 drug, alongside ketamine and some anabolic steroids. Yes, weed and steroids will be in the same league. So get ready for phish fans who are jacked. The question you may be asking steve. Why is big daddy biden passing out the fat blunts . Speculation is because easing weed restrictions could help biden boost flagging support, particularly among younger voters. Yes, it could help biden, or it could lead to a writein campaign for dude, lets put rainbow sprinkles on the lo mein. Crunchy, its sweet. Today was the day off, right . Wednesday. Today is a day off from Donald Trumps hush money trial, which gave him precious time at home to fart at his family. Now we still dont at this point if the jury will find him guilty, but we do know theyve found him sleepy. Because, according to reports, yesterday, donald trump fell asleep in court again. Oh, so the trial for him covering up having sex with Stormy Daniels is a lot like him having sex with Stormy Daniels. [cheering] he. He lasts only a few furious minutes and then nods off. Trump has fallen asleep so many times at this point that his attorneys are reportedly trying a number of different devices to keep him awake. Yes, many devices, the most successful of which has been nuggets on a string. Is that a real photo . We didnt mock that up. Thats an actual photo of donald trump. One new strategy is that when the legal teams sidebar with the judge, an attorney doesnt leave trumps side anymore because leaving him alone means leaving him to potentially sleep. He cant stay awake if hes alone for 30 seconds . This does not bode well for a second term. Mr. President , i want you to know seal team 6 is in position to strike. We just need your goahead and hes fallen asleep again. Tell you what. Im gonna draw a penis on his forehead. There you go. There you go. The lawyers have also given trump stuff to keep him busy. Because now he has a stack of papers with him at all times to go through. Yes, it comes with crayons. Oh word search im great at this. I found glerb, lerb, and word search now, trump, he snoozed through some pretty interesting testimony yesterday. We learned yesterday the mechanics of how exactly he paid off Karen Mcdougal and Stormy Daniels, thanks to a new witness, California Attorney keith davidson, seen here saying, oh, god. Are the books right behind me . How did they get out here in the forest . Davidson is a lawyer out of Beverly Hills who offers services ranging from personal injury to std lawsuits. Has your junk been hurt in anaccident . Did you slip and fall into a pile of herpes . Call 555penisow little early. Davidson is a key witness because he represented both Stormy Daniels and Karen Mcdougal in their legal agreements to keep silent about their affairs with trump. Yes, trumps wanderin shroom has created a new area of law. My son is in law school. Oh, really . Whats he studying . Light butt play. [laughter] we had some discussions about a bad backstage. Light butt play. Thats a funny word. Now, while Karen Mcdougal was paid by the national enquirer, stormy was supposed to be paid off by trump himself. So no surprise, davidson testified that the money wasnt sent by the agreedupon deadline, because trump didnt want to spend the money. How cheap is this guy . It is days from the election in 2016. The campaign is on the line, but he still wont pony up. Tell you what. Ask her if shell take a coupon. Ill trade her silence for. Halfoff rug shampooing. This is an exciting day for trump in a way, because hes on the cover of Time Magazine once again with the title if he wins. [booing] answer we are screwed. cause the interview in the magazine is pretty chilling. In it, he talks about mass deportations, he doesnt rule out Political Violence in the 2024 election, and when asked about pardoning imprisoned january 6th defendants, he says, i would consider that, yes, if somebody was evil and bad, i would look at that differently. cause evil and bad is a terrible combination. Not many people are both. Evel knievel was evil, not bad. No, listen up. This is true. Bad bunny . Bad, not evil. Some say not even a bunny. So he could be lying about all of it. Which if you think about it, pretty evil. Trump tried to dodge any question at all about abortion by claiming he would leave it up to the states, but said hes fine with states monitoring pregnant women so they dont get abortions. Then why stop at pregnancy . Why not monitor women for their entire cycle . Open up open up its the feds its gonna be a light day [laughter] not sure how i was holding that bullhorn. Talking into a hoagie. Light butt play. Light butt play. What do you think of that . What are you think about, what about you, ed . You ever have light butt play . What about you, doc . Trump also assured the nation that hes going to be way better at staffing this time around, saying, the advantage i have now is i know everybody. I know people. I know the good, the bad, the supid, the smart. You can just say good and smart, we already know youre pretty tight with the bad and the stupid. Theyre your sons. [cheering] yesterday, he also called into fox news and weighed in on the ongoing conflict in the middle east. We have to let israel complete their war on terror. Its a horrible thing. But they have to do it. And they have to do it fast. Stephen yes, horrible things are only horrible if they arent done really fast. Kids, i am leaving you and your mom for my college intern, but its okay cause im leaving in a jetpack. Pshhhh. Pshhhh. Then trump did an interview on a local fox affiliate in michigan for the unfortunately named segment and this is true let it rip. I was assured this was the place i could let it rip. Thank you for having me. I will not be taking questions at this time. [laughter] trump later appeared on the shows cooking segment, cut the cheese, their uptotheminute weather forecast, breaking wind, and their feelgood Human Interest segment oh, my god. Did somebody slaughter a goat in here . We got a great show for you tonight my guests are Carol Burnett and phil keoghan from the amazing race. When we come back, trumps vp pick. Could it be you . Stick around. Announcer the late show with Stephen Colbert sponsored my period for winning protection. Go with us. O win it simparica trio is the first chew with triple protection. Whoa fleas and ticks intestinal worms whoa heartworm disease no problem with simparica trio this drug class has been associated with neurologic Adverse Reactions including seizures. Use with caution in dogs with a history of these disorders. For winning protection go with simparica trio. screams bleeding gums are serious, jamie. Dr. Garcia . Woah. Theyre a sign of bacterial infection. Crest gum detoxifys antibacterial fluoride works below the gumline to help heal gums and stop bleeding. Crest saves the day. Crest. Detect this living with hiv, robert learned he can stay undetectable with fewer medicines. Thats why he switched to dovato. 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I just cleaned those try dawn platinum. It removes 99 of grease and food residue. Thats why dawn is trusted to save wildlife affected by oil. Dawn platinum cleans to the squeak. [cheers and applause] stephen welcome back, everybody. Give it up for louis cato and the late show band right over there. [cheers and applause] my friends, and you are my friends, coming up in just a moment, you know the amazing race. Wednesday nights here on the cbus. Host phil keoghan will be out just a moment to talk about all the amazing race as they are doing this year. This is quite an honor. The great, the one, the only Carol Burnett will be taking the colbert questionert. One of my faves of all time. You can see carol on palm royale on apple tv . Check that out, folks. Ladies and gentlemen, a few minutes ago i was standing over there, talking about donald trump. But thats, thats the old stephen. The new steve is going to sit over here and talk about donald trump and and this is important. Its not just him. Were going to be talking about who he might choose as his running mate. Currently, the hot new name is north dakota governor doug burgum, seen here being less interesting than a wooden post. Burgum is a rising star in republican politics. You know his slogan, vote dave or doug . Is it doug . Burgum is the most exciting potential running mate since 2016 when Hillary Clinton picked. No idea. Even though burgummania isnt yet sweeping the country, in recent weeks, sources say, trump frequently has brought up burgums name. Hey, sources, i hate to burst your bubble, but he wasnt saying burgum. He was saying, burger yum [cheers and applause] so who is dougie b . Hes a staunchly conservative businessman worth at least 100 million, who may be best known for qualifying for the 2024 republican primary debates by offering 20 gift cards to anyone who would donate at least one dollar to him. Spend 20, make 1 is also the official sales pitch of draft kings. Draft kings your kid never rode that bike anyway. Light butt play. [laughter] uh. Burgums in the veepstakes because recently one of the previous candidates, lets say, took themselves out of the running. Im talking about south dakota governor kristi noem, seen here about to rap about plumbing. Earlier this week, noem willingly revealed that she. How do i put this delicately . Murdered a puppy in cold blood. Some in trumps orbit have tried to defend noem, such as don jr. Fiancee and Big Mouth Billy Bass that only says slurs, kimberly guilfoyle. Yesterday, guilfoyle spun her own Conspiracy Theory about what really happened. Why the hell would kristi noem put that thing about shooting her dog who was 14 months old in a book . I dont know what happened. Maybe somebody slipped that in, and she didnt see it, i dont know. Stephen yes. Which is more likely . That she actually did it or that someone slipped a long and detailed story about how she killed a puppy and then a goa in her book but she never saw it, and then tricked her into going on twitter to repeatedly defend it. Be so devious . Could it be ghosts . Probably. Shes killed a lot of things. Now, this confession of being a petting zoo serial killer got noem a bit of backlash, including from a member of her own party. Utah senator mitt romney, seen here enjoying the onfield antics of the philly phanatic. Back when romney was running for president , he had his own canine scandal, when it was revealed he strapped his dogs kennel to the roof of his car during a 12hour road trip to canada, despite the irish setter suffering from diarrhea. Despite. Not because of the diarrhea . Uh, why are you putting the dog on the roof . Could it have anything to do with the highpressure dookage soaking the backseat . Not at all. Why do you ask . Next up, manitoba, kids. Putting your dog on the roof is not only cruel to the dog but very cruel to the guy behind you in the convertible. Louis wow. Wow. Stephen but romney is feeling vindicated that hes not the worst dogabuser in his party, proclaiming, i didnt eat my dog. Mitt, no one brought that up, buddy. I didnt eat my dog. I didnt put any kittens in the dishwasher, and ive never pleasured myself to the onfield antics of the philly phanatic. Well be right back with Carol Burnett. vo its shrimp your way. Choose three flavors for just 20. Like new street corn shrimp. And our famous garlic shrimp scampi. Its time to grab some cheddar bays and get flavorfull. Hurry in to try shrimp your way, only at red lobster. On your period, sudden gushes happen. Say goodbye gush fears thanks to always ultra thins. With rapiddry technology. That absorbs two times faster. Hellooo clean and comfortable. Always. Fear no gush. Engineered to minimize noise. And built for adventure. 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