This june, cnn will host the first 2024 president ial debate between President Biden i could take him behind the gym and former President Trump. Id like to punch him in the face. Its the showdown between the men a breeze can blow down. And cnn has a preview of all the geriatric geriaction. The two candidates are really going at it. Wolf blitzer in the white shirt desperately trying to moderate. Oh, and trump is down and now biden on the attack. Biden is down and blitzer is down and before biden and trump go toetotoe, tune in early to watch the undercard to be between 70yearold rfk jr. And an escalator. Rfk jr. Coming in hot, and down goes bobby announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight. Cohen out with a bang and David Letterman takes the Colbert Questionert. Plus, stephen welcomes Claudia Jessie and musical guest norah jones featuring louis cato and the late show band. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert [cheers and applause] stephen ports em up offer it out. Offer it up. Have a seat, everybody, thank you. Oh, you lovelies, oh, my brothers and sisters, welcome one and all in here, out there, all around the world to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Donald trump is back in court today. The trial is in session and it continued today with the defenses crossexamination of former fixer and wet sock watching you leave it behind at the laundromat, michael cohen. Trumps team went after cohen hard in the cross examination, trying to depict him as a serial liar out for revenge. Michael, we have so much in common serial lying. Lying about cereal. You know, i met the late, great toucan sam. They say he followed his nose, it always knows, but guess where it took him . Straight into a windmill. Windmills kill, my friends. His friend sonny went cuckoo with grief. They claim, they always say cuckoo for cocoa puffs, but i say mr. Toucan sam and mr. Cuckoo were lovers. Who knows the truth . All we know for sure is that they will forever be part of this complete breakfast. [cheers and applause] i knew two cans ham down in miami. He knew how to use that knows, my friend. To try to prove that cohen was deeply biased and eager to see trump punished, trumps lawyer played a clip of cohens podcast in which he celebrated trumps indictment. Reportedly, on the clip, cohen sounded giddy, highpitched, and he was speaking so fast that if you didnt know better, youd think the tape had been artificially sped up. [highpitched] i know how he feels. I, ive been pretty excited about this whole trial. Boy, oh, boy. What if trumps convicted . But on the other hand, if we treat this trial as a silly diversion, we risk overlooking what it signifies about the underlying root rot of our political system as we teeter on the brink of dictatorship we represent the Lollipop Guild the Lollipop Guild the Lollipop Guild and in the name of the Lollipop Guild the defense rests. Now, as motivation. [exhales] [deep voice] as motivation. For cohens vindictiveness, the defense tried to show that cohen felt rejected by trump, including getting him to confirm he had a hard time getting tickets to trumps 2017 inauguration. Wow, that had to sting, because we all know there were plenty of seats available. [cheers and applause] before the trial this morning, trump spoke to reporters from the National Echo reserve, complaining about the prosecution. This trial is a scam and its a sham and it shouldnt happen. Stephen coincidentally, scam and sham . Also the secret Service Code Names for eric and don jr. We also learned what the defense ordered for lunch today. 14 pizzas four cheese, five pepperoni, four sausage and pepperoni and one chicken, bacon, and ranch. No word yet on what trumps lawyers ordered. All week, trump has been getting support outside the court from his little congressional minions. Today, we saw florida representative matt gaetz, seen here achieving maximum douche. He summoned the specter of violence by tweeting a reference to the farright hate group, the proud boys. Standing back and standing by, mr. President. Well, of course hes standing back. After all that pizza, you do not want to be in the blast radius. Trump also got moral support from congresswoman Lauren Boebert. Thats right, Lauren Boebert was in the audience. So whoever sat next to her may end up with their own hush money trial. This afternoon, things got a little dramatic. Cohen had previously testified that after paying off Stormy Daniels, he called trumps bodyguard, and the prosecution had the phone records to back that up. But today, trump attorney todd blanche pointed out that the call was only one minute and 36 seconds. So, only slightly longer than the sex with stormy. [applause] sex with stormy, sure. Blanche said that just wasnt enough time to have the discussion of paying off stormy. Cohen said it was enough time but blanche raised his voice, saying to cohen, that. Was a lie while jabbing the pen in his right hand accusatorily at cohen. Adding, you can admit it cohen replied no sir, i cant. Ooh, so close. That wa kind of a weak way to try to get a confession. Itd be like a detective gathering everyone in the room at the end of a murder mystery and saying and the murderer is. Any volunteers . It would really help me out. Anybody . Do me a solid. Confessions . Trumps gotta get this trial over with. He has a busy summer ahead. Hes already agreed to debate joe biden twice. For months now, trump has been the aggressor, taunting biden to debate him. But yesterday, biden turned the taunting tables. Donald trump lost two debates to me in 2020, and since then, he hasnt shown up for a debate. Now hes acting like he wants to debate me again. Well, make my day, pal. Stephen trump better watch out, man. Because bidens a biter. His bones may be 81, but those teeth are in their teens, and joe i am telling you joe biden. Joe biden will gnaw trumps flesh like. Who . The late, great hannibal lecter. Stephen thank you, sir. Thank you. Once the debates were set, trumps surrogates immediately attacked their legitimacy, like entrepreneur vivek ramaswamy, seen here watching two squirrels do it o a windowsill. Ramaswamy immediately weighed in on twitter with his take. Call me cynical, but why is biden suddenly so willing to debate . It could be because hes desperate, or it could be because its a setup. Oh, grow up. If biden really wanted to trap trump, he could just leave a trail of Chicken Nuggets to a cliff with a sign that says, Honey Mustard below. [applause] ramaswamy might be skeptical, but South Carolina senator tim scott is feeling confident. America loves President Trump because hes plain spoken, easy to understand, and he is clear as a bell. Stephen that part is actually true. When trump talks, its as clear as a bell. Bing, bong, bong, bing, bing, bing, bing. [laughter] stephen ive never seen that one before. Thats a new one. Its been yet another terrible week for new york mayor and guy whose chicken caesar wrap just told him a hilarious joke, eric adams. Yesterday, mayor adams announced that new york will host its first rat summit this fall. To prepare, the city has been hosting practice rat summits on every subway platform for the last 120 years. Adams is summoning some of the nations leading experts and researchers for the multiday event. We know theres only way to summon rat experts. Come, follow me to the cave [clapping] [cheers and applause] would you believe ive never had a lesson . Anyone have a cobra . They love me up in the sound booth. [laughter] last year. Dont go away. Last year, adams also hired a rat czar. I understand the urgency, but the mayor might want to keep that on the dl. Tourists are gonna think that new york is a whole rat city, run by rats, feasting on other rats, which is totally. True, but we also have times square. And im being told the times square elmo has been eaten by rats. No great loss. Now. Turning to the world of sport. Yesterday, at a Major League Soccer game in philly, the field got an unexpected visitor, unless you expected a raccoon. Jim. Then they find ojeda, change the point of attack. Now we have. What seems like a onceinalifetime occurrence here, or at least once every so often. A raccoon has found itself on the field. Stephen that is fantastic. I say get raccoons in every sport they have opposable thumbs. I wanna see them dunk after the raccoon streaked for about a minute, they sent out a crack team of raccoon catchers to try to contain the critter. So, even professional pest control is just your dad with a trash can. Kids, try to scare him into the corner darlene, my flute [sharp notes] get the hammer. [clapping] eventually, through the power of teamwork, they were able to stop this menace. Raccoon now evading even more of the individuals trying to capture him. Theres three or four people around him and still the raccoon goes on. This is marvelous entertainment. At what point are we just rooting for him . Very nearly got away. Go on, raccoon very nearly got away. You can get out dont hurt him. They got him stephen goooaaallll we got a great show for you tonight bridgertons Claudia Jessie is here, plus musician norah jones, and David Letterman takes the Colbert Questionert. But when we come back, meanwhile join us, wont you . Announcer the late show with Stephen Colbert sponsored by the farmers dog. Real food made fresh, delivered. [cheers and applause] stephen give it up for louis cato and the late show band, everybody. I mean, its just one of those nights. Louis one of those nights. Stephen one of those nights. The band is hot. The audience is hot. Louis whoo stephen the guest list, the guest list is amazing. The one, the only, the beautiful, the talented norah jones will be out here just a little while. You ever see that show, this bho . Theyve got that show, bridgerton. Claudia jessie will be out here just a moment. That show intimidates me because its got that sexy man butt on it and i dont like the comparison. One of the great honors of doing a show like this coming just a little while, the Colbert Questionert will be faced by mr. David letterman will be here in just a moment. Come on. Louis what more could you want . Stephen i say this is the last show. Lets just get out. Lets get out after the show. We are peking right now. And you can watch dave chatting with john mulaney on his show my next guest out on netflix right now. Folks, if you watch the show, you know i spend most of my time right over there in the news workshop, building the most topical 800 cc liquidcooled 4stroke story engine with a Magneti Marelli ignition, dry multiplate slipper clutch and termignoni exhaust all on a carbon fiber chassis to present to you the spectacular Ducati Desmosedici my monologue. But sometimes, sometimes, folks, i wake up in an abandoned middle school where i snap the wheels off a discarded roller skate and slap them onto a shard of broken chalkboard, then jam the busted handle of a gardeners rake into the top so i can wobble off on the janky outlaws push scooter of news that is my segment. Meanwhile stephen its a magic carpet is what it is. Its a magic carpet ride. Meanwhile, in news from down under, a billionaire has called for the removal of an unflattering portrait of her from the National Gallery of australia. The woman in question is a controversial Australian Mining billionaire named gina rinehart. Seen here. And i mean, come on. How unflattering could this portrait possibly okay. Okay, okay. I gotta say, in this portrait i believe the artist really captures her expression at the moment she saw this portrait. Meanwhile, while settling a zoning dispute over what types of restaurants are allowed in a local mall, an indiana judge has ruled that tacos are mexicanstyle sandwiches. Mexicanstyle sandwiches . That has big grandpa ordering tortillas for the first time energy. Just bring me a bowl of those hispanic crackers with some of that green cream cheese. Maybe some of that angry ketchup. Those really thin grilled cheeses youve got. Meanwhile, a florida man accused of stealing 30,000 in pokemon cards was foiled by a topless mma coach. And im being told that, legally, i cannot continue this because this story has been deemed too florida. [applause] meanwhile, a gene editing breakthrough could soon cure herpes for good. In experiments, it eliminated up to 97 of herpes virus infections in mice. Which is fantastic news. Just in time for summer, its finally safe to again bang mice. [recorder notes] i know what they like. Meanwhile, your Attention Span is shrinking, studies say. Heh heh heh. Cat in a milk jug. Oh. Meanwhile, up in maine, aka newfoundlands mexico, most of 15 million bees have been contained after a beeladen truck crashed. Most of 15 million bees . Id hate to be the pr guy for that trucking company. Great news, everybody. 15 million bees escaped into your neighborhood, but weve caught 8 million of them, so all you have to worry about is 7 million bees. So just dont go out this summer and youll be oh, god the bees meanwhile, the Paris Olympics are coming up soon and flavor flav is the new official hypeman for the u. S. Womens water polo team. Okay, its kind of weird that they have a hype man. But even weirder that hes supporting the girls. I would have thought flavor flav would be supporting the boyyyys [applause] thank you. Thank you. Well be right back with David Letterman and the Colbert Questionert. Tmobile savings, take one. Focus. Heres the line. at tmobile, you get tons of benefits, and you can still save versus the other guys. ok, ill just do it. Check out the tmobile savings calculator to see how much you can save. And right now, well even pay off your phone when you switch neutrogena beach defense blocks 97 of burning uv rays for vital sun protection. So you can get more out of all your days in the sun. More protection. More sun. More joy. 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Did you know. 80 of women are struggling with hair damage . Just like i was. Dryness and frizz could be damaged hair that cant retain moisture. New pantene miracle rescue deep conditioner, with firstofitskind melting prov pearls. Locks in moisture to repair 6 months of damage in one wash, without weigh down. Guaranteed or your money back for resilient, healthylooking hair. If you know, you know its pantene. Stephen look at that, everybody. David like that sphere thing in las vegas. Stephen lovely. As you all know, as you can tell, im here with mr. David letterman. David, thank you so much for being here. David its of pleasure and thank you for inviting me and im sorry it took me so long to get back. Stephen i think this is just the right timing. I dont think i would have been ready before this. David, you know. I was on your show ten times. You now have been on my show and weve had a chance to talk off the air. Weve done podcasts. Even with all that experience, deep intimate experience, its hard to get to know someone in a pure interview situation. David i understand that. Stephen i do want to know the heart of all my guests so we here at the late show labs have come up with something we call the Colbert Questionert which has been home to aerospace tolerances to penetrate the defenses of any guest and person and have them be fully known to the american people. Are you ready, are you prepared, do you have the courage to take the Colbert Questionert . David i admire you overselling the bit. Stephen i learned it from you, dad. I learned it from you. David im ready. Stephen okay, first question, brave man, first question. Best sandwich, dave. David i love sandwiches. Stephen where do you find the courage . To Say Something like that . David when i was a kid on saturdays, my mother would make fried bologna sandwiches. Stephen quality. David she would fry the baloney and butter. You wonder why i had heart surgery. Stephen what was your first concert . David beach boys. Stephen what year . David i dont know it probably wouldve been early 60s, mid high school, the stephen thats quality. David they were than the original age boys. It wasnt addins. Stephen zeppo. David [laughs] stephen what is the scariest animal . David wolverine. Stephen apples or oranges . David oranges. Stephen have you ever asked someone for their autograph . David yes. Stephen may i ask who . David phil swift. Stephen did you get it and where did this take place . David i lied. [laughter] [clears throat] i thought phil swift would get a laugh. Hes the glue that i make his bt out of a screen door and some glue, phil swift. Stephen what do you think happens when we die . David uh, people wont quiz me with nonsensical questions. Stephen wait a second. What