Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, trumps french faux pas. Plus stephen welcomes john mulaney. With a special appearance by jason segel. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert captioning sponsored by cbs cheers and applause stephen whoo hey cheers and applause there is nothing like there is nothing like a friday crowd, man. There is nothing like it in the world. cheers and applause theyre lit. Theyre electric. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert, everybody. cheers and applause its been a heck of a week. Its been an interesting five days. This week saw the oneyear anniversary of Donald Trumps election. Audience booo stephen give him a chance. laughter and were still learning new reasons why we shouldnt have done it. laughter for instance, we just learned was it today or yesterday . Yesterday. We just learned of this strange phone call that donald trump made the day after the 2016 election to thenfrench president and ripe brie with glasses, francois hollande. Trump called to introduce himself to hollande, and the first thing he said was, mr. President , i am delighted to talk to you. You are a great president , a great leader, a great man. It is such an honor. Those are compliments trump usually reserves for the mirror. Youre a great president. laughter dad was wrong. People like you. Thats your real hair. Jobs, jobs, jobs. Jobs, jobs, jobs. And hollande was especially confused, because during the campaign, trumps comments about france were mostly talking le smack. A friend of mine, he said he was going to france, like, three, four months ago. I saw him yesterday. I said, howd you like france . He said, i wouldnt go to france. I wouldnt go to france, because france is no longer france. Stephen thats funny. Thats what people say about the United States now. cheers and applause applause trumps next comments on his phone call with hollande showed his deep knowledge of french culture. I love france. I love french people. I love your country. I love paris. I love your wine. I love before hollande cut him off. Hold on, let me keep going. I love your wine. I love your fries. I love your toast. I love your kissing, its the best. Hollande tried to steer the conversation to important topics like terrorism, the wars, and the climate, to which trump responded, everything you want, before letting out a long yeaaaahhhh. laughter so, for anyone who was still wondering if trump really takes his phone into the bathroom. There you go. laughter applause yeeah oh, yeeah. applause but that wasnt even the weird part of the call. That came when trump asked, you know my country. You know many great americans. So let me ask you a question could you help me with the recruiting of my new staff . I need recommendations. What . What . Hollande cant tell you who to hire. Thats putins job. laughter cheers and applause vlad wouldnt care. Hed be cool with it. A little bit. Although, advice from the french president would explain trumps first choice for secretary of transportation, baguette smoking a cigarette. laughter back on the home front, were on the home front, right . Okay, back on the home front, theres some controversy surrounding at ts proposed take over of time warner. Dont turn off your tv, okay . Theres some trump in this story. You see, time warner owns the president s longtime nemesis cnn. Hes been at war with cnn ever since they started reporting the things he says and does. laughter trump yeah, not fair. Trump even even threatened to stop the at t merger last year during his campaign. At t is buying time warner, and, thus, cnn, a deal we will not approve in my administration because its too much concentration of power in the hands of too few. Stephen now, if youll excuse me, i have to go tell my soninlaw to fire bob mueller. laughter applause and this could be a lot of jared fans here tonight. A lot of jared fans. Thats nice. Hes a good kid quality kid. And this could be his First Campaign promise to actually come true, because yesterday we learned that Trumps Justice Department told at t that for the time warner merger to go through, the company has to sell cnn, a troubling allegation that would surely make jake tapper make his patented jake tapper is disappointed in you face. laughter but there could be one bright spot in the story, because if at t does have to sell cnn, there is a chance that my network, cbs, might buy it. Because recently, cbs chairman and man im not going to make a joke about, les moonves, said cnn is a very worthy news organization. Its something that could enhance cbs. Think about it the cbs lineup could be filled with fun cnn spinoffs. I cant wait for shows like young blitzer, and, two broke don lemons. laughter continuing id watch that. Id watch that show. Continuing in the world of media, you might have heard from your Facebook News feed that facebook is back in the news. Theyre battling whats known as revenge porn. Thats when someone like an ex boyfriend posts naked pictures of a woman online to shame and humiliate her. Its despicable, and it gives a bad name to all the Family Friendly porn out there. laughter well, facebook has a simple solution. Theyve Just Announced that in an effort to combat revenge porn, theyre asking users to send the company their nude photos. Now, before you dash off to do that laughter heres how it works users would send a message containing their nude images, which facebook will then make a fingerprint of, and stop others from uploading similar or identical pictures. Thats just fighting fire with fire, okay. Just like if you think an arsonist is going to burn down your house, you torch it yourself, naked, and then send the photos to facebook. Because theyre fine with it. applause after all, we know the nudes are just going to be automatically processed by some mindless algorithm, right after facebook workers review full, uncensored versions of nude images first to determine if malicious posts by other users qualify as revenge porn. But it is a professional team headed by their chief of internet privacy, alan. laughter works late. Hell work as late as you want him to. Jon you know that alan stephen you know who doesnt Like Technology . Pope francis. This week he told all his fellow catholics to put down your phones in church, telling the crowd in st. Peters square, it makes me very sad when i celebrate here in the piazza or in the basilica and see so many cell phones held up. You know what, i can understand the pope saying that, but ive got to wonder how god feels about this issue . Whats that, steve . Stephen hey, its god, everybody say hey to the lord hey buddy thats right, jehovah in the je housevah. Stephen god, we were just wondering how you feel about people using cell phones in church. laughter god . Oh, sorry, stephen, didnt catch that. A friend of mine just sent me a video of a cat stuck in a toilet. Haha, he doesnt like the water. laughter stephen well, im sure thats hilarious, god, but dont you think cell phones are distracting people in church . Come on, steve, even i know church can be kind of boring. Its hard enough gettin butts in the seats. As long as people show up, let em stream a Little Stranger things. Oooh, Reese Witherspoon just followed me on twitter. Maybe now ill get verified twitters kind of over, though. I mean, come on, 280 characters . What is this, leviticus . laughter stephen well, god, you really know your stuff. Yeah, im really up on the apps. Havent had much luck on tinder, though. One woman said my profile pic looked like kenny rogers. Better take another one. Duck face laughter oooh, sexy. Im glad i created ducks. Stephen so, god, is social media the best way to reach you these days . Well, my prayer inbox is full, but you can slide into my d. M. S anytime. Stephen thats good to know. Whatever you do, though, dont send me a linkedin request or youre goin straight to hell. Stephen god, everybody. Weve got a great show for you tonight. John mulaney is here. But when we return, a bad movie with all the biggest stars. For real. cheers and applause band playing that cough doesnt sound so good. Take mucinex dm. Ill text you in 4 hours when your cough returns. One pill lasts 12 hours, so. Looks like im good all night why take 4hour cough medicine . Just one mucinex lasts 12 hours. Lets end this. Between the bike rides and the fort making, youre a family of master adventurers . Meet your new partner in crime. Hey google, play mickey mouse adventure. 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Second song, second song and i havent verified this but im going to try to get joe biden to do hold me closer tiny dancer with elton jon. Jon wow, this would be nice. Stephen wouldnt that be amazing. Incredible. I think he has to do it now because i announced it. Jon its official, its official. Stephen anyway, folks, this is no secret, i love movies. And one of the biggest movies this week is bad moms christmas. I think its great when a sequel can transcend the original and add a holiday, like godfather 2 happy fredoween but bad moms christmas is a perfect example of the latest cinematic trend so many movies that come out are bad but not bad in the sense that they dont make sense or are about transformers, no. They literally have bad in the title. There was bad santa, bad grandpa, bad teacher, to say nothing of bad lieutenant, bad words, bad santa 2, bad grandmas, and, of course, the original, bad moms. And ill tell you right now, if i see this new movie and one of those bad moms doesnt sleep with that bad santa, what are we even doing here . laughter and thats not even getting into all the bad synonyms like horrible bosses, and dirty grandpa, who, by the way, is totally different from bad grandpa. Its like a tortoiseturtle situation, its very technical. Well, i assumed this trend had completely run its course until i saw this new trailer. Check it out. Im sorry, been a long night, if you know what i mean. I think so . But, hey, thats me. I love drugs and sex, and saying cuss words, and i dont play by anybodys rules. Can we talk about why im here . Oh, heck, yeah. Time to do some bleep cardiology. Its bad cardiologist. I cant make it to surgery because im having sex with models. Your left, my right. Okay. Sorry. Im currently very drunk. And if that movie turns a profit and it will then get ready. Heres your chi latte. I ordered a soy machiato. Im sorry ellie kemper is let me fix that for you, your highness, i must have misheard you because of your fat, stupid face horrible barista. No, i didnt get your name wrong. Your names. Gerb now. Deal with it, gerb wait, we thought of more jobs people can do badly like Jessica Williams as terrible notary. Honestly, i dont know what my job is, either. Ill stamp anything. And c. G. I. Movies make a lot of money, right . Andy serkis is. Bitchy giraffe. When i asked valerie to be my maid of honor, i didnt realize she was going to gain all that neck weight. Bitch, please. Weve got more adjective combinations, like, underwhelming nephew. Athletic haberdasher. Shrill zookeeper. Young pope. Dumb 18th century sea captain. And chris odowd as adjective noun. Thats right. An unbelievably adjective noun. Is this really the whole thing . Because this is this is nonsense. And what kind of character would think these are all a good idea . Find out, thanksgiving 2020 in incompetent movie executive, starring bob odenkirk. No, now, look, bad and horrible and terrible that is all last year. This year, its all about baby. Baby driver, baby boss, so, next year, im thinking. Youre doing my triple bypass . Bad baby cardiologist. laughter applause stephen i didnt know that was the end i didnt know. Well be right back with john mulaney. I thought there was a tag cheers and applause band playing its red lobsters new ultimate surf turf event. Get ready these 5 pairings are gonna floor ya. Like our new feast with lobsterwrapped scallops and a juicy sirloin, plus a savory lobsterandshrimp smashed potato. And our new lobster and seafoodtopped filet . Every bite is better than the last. The classic is here too. Come indulge in surf turf like youve never had it before its too late. And weekdays, create your own seafood lovers lunch for just 9. 99. Create your own seafood lovers Nosy Neighbor with a glad bag, full of trash. 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Fredget in, fred thing for his daughter. Even if it means being the back half of a unicorn. Fear not fred, the front half washed his shirt with gain. And that smell puts the giddy in giddyup ah. The irresistible scent of gain flings laundry detergent. You cant help but smell happy. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back to the late show. cheers and applause im so happy to have my first guest tonight. He is a hilarious comedian you know from broadways oh, hello. Hes now on his kid gorgeous comedy tour. Please welcome john mulaney applause stephen welcome back thank you. Stephen john mulaney, everybody welcome back. This is the third time . This is the third time ive been here. Stephen the third time . Yeah. Stephen third times a charm. Thats what they say. Stephen well get it this time. Yeah, well be charming this time. Stephen thats a lovely jacket. Velvet . Yeah, this is black velvet. Its nice. Stephen yeah. This collected a lot of stuff backstage, but they rolled me off with tape, and then i walked out, and now im on tv. Stephen yeah. We know its the change of season when you can bring the black velvet out. Absolutely. Thats an old mel torme line. The change of the season is when you can bring the old velvet out. Stephen youre super busy, super busy. No surprise there. A young talented man like you. Thats nice of you to say. I have been on tour since may pretty much and now its getting into like, gone every night. Stephen what do you mean gone every night . Gone on the road all the time. Stephen youre gone on the road and then daddys just gone. I dont say daddys gone. That upsets people. Stephen do you have children . No, i have a dog, though. Stephen then you should not say, daddys gone. Or it would be weird to say to your wife, daddys gone. Daddys home at least youre physically there. Not deal with the aftermath of what did you just say . Yeah, weve been gone we i, have been traveling a lot. And thats why i dont know my articles or pronouns. Stephen so, its called kid gorgeous. The tour. Stephen are you kid gorgeous . I dont know. Its just a name. I kept reading names to my wife at a restaurant until she laughed, and that was the one she went with. She laughed a lot at kid gorgeous, and i was like, i guess it has to be that. I like oldfashioned things, and kid gorgeous stephen kid gorgeous sounds like youre a middle weight boxer. Yes, yes. Stephen who is famous for never having his nose broken. Yes. Stephen hes kid gorgeous. There was a mo on the simpsons, was kid gorgeous, then he was kid presentable. And i thought i wanted it to be called kid charlemagne after the steely dan song, but everyone in my life warned me against that, saying that would be lost on people and not be an effective tour name. Stephen whereas kid gorgeous has resonance all across america. People like vanity, yeah. Stephen youre coming back to new york for four nights at radio city, totally sold out. Four shows sold out, yeah. And were adding a fifth now, so, yeah. applause thank you very much. Stephen thats great. You have played radio city before . I have never played radio city. Stephen extraordinary, extraordinary house. Extraordinary place. I want to rest before it. Im getting a little fried on this tour, but its going to be an amazing stephen like what kind of rest do you need . I need so i took a vacation with my wife, ana. I had been gone about 12 nights, and we went to a farm to rela