Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, trumps oneyear anniversary. Plus, stephen welcomes j. K. Simmons and rob riggle and pete holmes. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey how are you hey please, sit down youre very kind happy friday, everybody. You all ready for the weekend . cheers and applause yeah, me, too, absolutely, me, too, you know. Listen, folks, welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. We made it almost, almost. I dont want to get ahead of ourselves here. If donald trump doesnt blow up the world in the next 25 minute, we will have been under the presidency of trump for exactly one year. It feels so much longer. I think im aging in dog years now. But no matter the ups and downs of the trump presidency, his polling numbers have remained low. He ended his first year in office as the most unpopular president in pollling history. May i remind you that list includes William Henry harrison, who died 31 days into his. Term. We all remember his campaign signs. Now too soon . laughter jon yeah, yeah, yeah. Stephen didnt realize his children were here tonight. laughter to celebrate his first year in office, trump sat down with reuters for a 53minute interview with a fresh diet coke near at hand on his desk. Yes, trumps never far from his diet coke. Its his only brown friend. laughter then, trump trump reflected on what he had learned over his time in office. I love washington, but its a mean place. Yes, washington is terrible. I heard one guy down there called all of africa a bleep hole. And with all the talk about trumps recent physical, the president shared his workout routine with reuters, saying, i get exercise. I mean, i walk, i this, i that. Oh yeah, he this, he that. I heard in high school, he was on the varsity this that team. But, you know, proud of his physique, trump went into a little bit more detail. I run over to a building next door. I get more exercise than people think. So, any. But i think this shows how trump can really connect with ordinary americans, because we, lets face it, dont exercise as much as we should. But if anyone asks, were like, i do cardio. I mean, i walk to my car, from my car, back to my car. Last night, i did an hour of vodka curls. Trump explained why exercise isnt that important to him ive always been more of a believer in diet because im strong, you know . I hit the ball far. I mean, im strong, physically. Oh, yes, trump strong. Trump hit ball far. laughter thats why he uses two hands to drink water. laughter applause . Jon the chalice. Stephen what is this filled with . What is this made of, lead . Yeah, trump believes in diet because exercise isnt that good for you. A lot of people go to the gym, and theyll work out for two hours and all. Ive seen people. Then they get their new knees when theyre 55 years old, and they get their new hips, and they do all those things. I dont have those problems. Yes, donald trump doesnt have the problems commonly associated with what doctors call movement. laughter my legs are in mint condition, barely used. I kept them in the original packaging. laughter theyre worth a fortune on ebay. Now, for his physical, trump did have to do something. As he explained i was on a treadmill for the first time, in actually quite a while, and it was at a very steep angle. And i was there for a very long time. They were surprised. And they said, well, you can stop now. Thats amazing. and i said, i can go much longer than this if you want me to. as trump yeah, i can go as long as you want. I could even turn this thing on. Go ahead. Im not afraid. Do it. We can turn it on applause on. Oh, the adult actress who had the affair with donald trump back in 2006, stormy daniel,s, still hasnt talked to the press but she is still willing to bare it all, because she Just Announced she will be dancing in my home state of North Carolina as part of the making america horny again tour, with which i gotta say, America Needs right now, because the biggest possible turnoff is imagining donald trump having sex. And now, new details are trickling out about Donald Trumps sex life. And i apologize for the whole trickling metaphor, but. laughter unavoidable, sometimes. Put a tarp down. And it seems like not all of the sex donald trump had with Stormy Daniels back in 2006 was, as she described, textbook generic. Some was magazine kinky, because mother jones has gotten their hands on emails from 2009 in which the adult film actor and director claimed that her affair with trump included an unusual act, spanking him way copy of forbes magazine, with wait for it trump on the cover. Wow laughter wow. He got spanked, but i feel like im being punished. laughter though, i gotta say, bravo, sir it is not easy to maintain an ego that big while being sexually submissive. I am the best bad little boy. I deserve the finest spankings on my tremendous trump rump. Many people are saying im really the topbottom of all time. And, and i cant believe thats a joke based on actual news. And if i may add one more visual to haunt your nightmares tonight, a cover of forbes from the time does feature trump and two of his children, donald jr. And ivanka. I think i speak for dr. Freud when i say we owe oedipus an apology. And once again, sadly, erics left out of the fun stuff. And you know its been a tough week when the happiest news out there is that british Prime Minister theresa may has appoint aid minister for loneliness. That really sounds like a victorian euphemism for a gigolo. Good evening, madam. I am the minister for loneliness, here to lift your spirits with a gentle rogering and cucumber sandwiches. laughter crusts off, like my trousers. Minister of loneliness, by the way, also the name of my favorite morrissey album. Now, im sure youre saying, what . Well, according to a 2017 report, more than nine Million People in britain are often or always feeling lonely. Howd they get that statistic . How do you find out that there are nine Million People feeling that way . Sorry, madame, none of your neighbors wanted to come over to visit, but they did report you to the government. laughter still, theresa may is sinking her teeth into this problem like a corgi into a beefeater. She said, i want to confront this challenge for our society and for all of us to take action to address the loneliness endured by the elderly, by carers, by those who have lost loved ones, people who have no one to talk to or share their thoughts and experiences with. And sometimes those people are even leaders of countries who spend all day making decisions about brexit, wielding power, no chums to have a laugh with and just stay in with a cup of tea and watch poldark. oh, dear god, im so alone. cheers and applause i dont even know what poldark is. Poldark. This is so british. They have oiferred the most ineffable human problem and come up with the most cold bureaucratic solution. They have reviewed your application and youre not lonely enough, im afraid. Your application for affection has been denied, but if you wish to eat your feelings, we are referring you to the ministry pudding. Weve got a great show for you tonight. J. K. Simmons is here. But when we come back, tactical baby gear. Charmin ultra soft its softer than ever. Charmin ultra soft is softer than ever. So its harder to resist. Okay, this is getting a little weird. Enjoy the go with charmin of being there for my sons winning shot. That was it for me. 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Jon happy friday we made it. Stephen last night i couldnt tell if it was thursday or friday. Tonight i can tell its friday. Jon definitely friday. Stephen this is a friday right here. Im excited this friday, im going to be home, with my family. Im a dad. You can tell because i know a lot about the civil war, and my email address is at hotmail. Com. And as a dad, a caring, concerned dad, im always on the lookout for the newest dad trends, which is why i was so excited to hear about the latest craze militarystyle baby gear for dads. Finally, a baby carrier that protects both the babys delicate head and the daddys even more delicate sense of masculinity. Its all part of a growing trend of brodup baby supply Companies LikeMission Critical and tactical baby gear, who say they created products to cater to a market full of guys sick of diaper bag emasculation. Yeah, diapers are totally emasculating. I mean, half the time when you open them up, theres a tiny penis inside. Thats why its spooky stuff. Its scary. Thats why tactical baby gear boasts that theyve developed a line of accessories that look like they were ripped right out of a swat team van. Because nothing says good parents like the phrase, ripped out of a van. And there is no doubt, ladies and gentlemen, this hardcore gear finally makes fatherhood manly. Check out this promo featuring the t. B. G. Deuce tactical diaper bag. Stephen i think i know why there are no other families at that playground. You can pick up a diaper bag, pacifier clib and beer koozies. Because the best dads are a little buzz on. And this stuff is as tough as it looks. If youre interested in products that turn you into a total dadass, youre in the right place because its time for our first installment of cheers and applause stephen welcome to the nook, wussies. Remember our motto i am very secure. To show us some of the most hardcore baby gear on the market, please welcome my friend, comedian and retired marine, rob riggle. cheers and applause what up, bro . Hey, hey. Stephen thanks for being here. You bet. Happy to be here, but not so happy it makes me seem weak. laughter stephen so, what do you have to show us today, robert . First off, stephen, take a look at this crib. Tell me what you see . Stephen i see cuddly, soft, like its made for babies. Not anymore, my man. Youve heard of truck nutz . Stephen yeah now, theres crib sack. Thats right. laughter applause boom this thing just went from rocca bye baby to locked and cocked, baby. Stephen up top boom down low oh, yeah. cheers and applause stephen are you good . Yeah, im good. You good . Stephen im good all day. Yeah, im heavy metal polyalloyed good. Like super double good. laughter all right, all right. Lets move on, stephen. Ive got another baby bedroom product that im going to show you. Youre going to love this one. Look, theres nothings less manly than soothing. But its been proven by science nerds that babies calm down and fall asleep more quickly if you turn on a whitenoise machine. Stephen ugh, white noise the weakest kind of quiet. Oh, yeah. Yeah, when things are quiet, thats when you hear. The thoughts. laughter but not anymore not anymore. Introducing the mx80 assault soother. Take a listen. This puppys got over eight hours of highfidelity warfare. gunfire, explosions, warfare this puppys got over eight get some stephen you want some . Stephen im all in for a good nights sleep with this. Stephen sweet dreams, my little honey bear thats great for the home stuff, but what about appearing manual when youre taking your baby outdoors. Glad you asked, stephen. Str here and take a look at the strollvee armored personnel stroller. laughter stephen thats sweet. Yeah. Stephen that is sweet. This thing can take a direct hit. Yeah, grab that. I want you to go ahead and channel all that rage from when you had the feelings at the art museum. Stephen monets water lillies opened a blossom in my soul yeah yeah yeah get some get some get some cheers and applause stephen that thing really takes a beating, rob. Oh, yeah, and you didnt even wake up little caleb. Stephen oh, my god, there is a baby in there . Hold on. I prefer the term preman. And reveille reveille got him. Get up, you little turd. There we go all right dont worry about caleb, all right. Hes got five confirmed kills already. Dont you got five confirmed kills. baby crying stephen uhoh, sounds like somebody needs a bottle. Now youre talking. Good idea, my friend. Stephen rob riggle everybody cheers and applause . Take care of those kids theyre our future stephen well be right back with j. K. Simmons. with 33 individual vertebrae and 640 muscles in the human body, no two of us are alike. Life made more effortless through adaptability. 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Those whove had a drug or alcohol problem may be more likely to misuse lyrica. With less pain, i can do more with my family talk to your doctor today. See if lyrica can help. Some retreat to thet woods for solitude. I just go downstairs. I love you, but sometimes you stink. Febreze air effects doesn because the things you love the most can stink. And try febreze small spaces to clean away odors for up to 30 days. Breathe happy with febreze. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody. Welcome back to the show. My first guest is an oscarwinning actor you know from whiplash Justice League and spiderman. Please welcome j. K. Simmons. Stephen there you go. Thank you, sir. Stephen nice to have you on again. Thank you so much for coming back. Its my pleasure gli very much enjoyed talking to you last time. Its been a year and a half, and im not surprised its been that long since we talked, not because we didnt want you because youve been a busy man. Is this all true . Since last time you were on in april of 2016, you have been in 13 movies and five tv series. cheers and applause keeps me off the streets. Stephen why the rush . How long do the doctors say you have . Yeah, i know, im trying to get in in while i can. Stephen this is a hurdle yow i like to stay busy. Stephen you do. And this happened. This is in some ways more impressive. Ill show them this photo because and i dont even know how to contextualize what im about to show these people, other than to say we did not doctor this photograph in any way. This is you. Look at j. K. Simmons, look at the guns. cheers and applause yeah. Stephen what . Why . Was this are you prepping . Are you is commissioner gordon going to, like, get superpowers . That was my hope, and anybody that saw Justice League clearly, that has not happened yet. But im keeping my fingers crossed. My friends kid called that shredded santa. laughter stephen how did you how long did this take . I have to ask you. Men of a certain age, i mean, just the muscle juice isnt what it used to be. This must have taken an enormous amount of work. Well, it did take and there was no juice involved, nothing, nothing it was all natural. Let me just put that out there. Stephen okay, sure, yeah. Not even spinach. Stephen no spinach, nog at all . Just going to the gym. Stephen do you still have this may i . Can i . laughter i dont want to just treat you like a piece of meat here, but wow. Thats nice. Its actually stephen im going to watch it with you, make sure i dont yeah, yeah. Took a little bit of a break over the holidays, but stephen wow, just over the holidays . So theres hope for me, is what i see. Absolutely. Stephen i understand you started out doing regional theater in montana. Whats the montana theater i mean, thats not something we normally associate with montana, is regional theater. What are the shows like . Like, okay, who wants to be the front of the horse . What is laughter what is that wouldnt oleos before the main show. Stephen okay. What was it like doing theater in montana . It was great. The place i started out at the big fork summer playhouse we did regular good old musical theater and repertory. Stephen sure. Sometimes after the show we would go regale some of the locals at the bar. Stephen as you do. With our musical theater brilliance. Stephen whether they wanted it or not, im guessing. Exactly, yes, yes. On one particular occasion we were we were doing the lumberjack song from monty python hes a lumberjack and hes okay i wear highheeled suspenders and a bra just like my dear papa the lumberjacks in the audience were not amused. Stephen there were actual lumberjacks. There was a lumberjack in the audience who went out to his truck and came back with his chain saw. Yeah, i i got your lumberjack. Good night. Stephen it was