I think what im doing is right. I mean, just listen to the classic sam cooke song. Cupid, draw back your bow let your arrow go straight to my lovers heart. Thats a kill shot, pal. Penetrate the aorta, bleed out in 10 seconds. Hes a trained marksman with incredible aim shooting arrows into victims. Yes, but hes also making people fall in love. Not the ones he kills. Laugh. Okay, why tonigh dont we juy it again. If you two dont fall in love, i will look for you. I will find you and i will change your relationship status to its complicated. laughter look, im just im just going to try something. Youre going to use it. Release the cupid its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, russians caught redhanded. Plus, stephen welcomes nathan lane and a special appearance by john oliver. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen wooo who knows whats going on . Nobody knows whats up, jon. Please sit down. Thank you so much, everybody. Please, have a seat. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Donald trump if youre familiar with him donald trump likes to talk about being a jobcreating president , and a really big job just opened up because and this is true fox friends is looking for a new head writer. Hold on somebody writes fox friends . laughter i thought they just got some monkeys drunk and gave them a ouija board. A job like this does not come around every day. Keep in mind and i am not exaggerating this is the show that the president watches every mornng to know what he thinks. A more honest ad would say, job opening most influential writer in the world. Must be okay with having your most casual thought instantly turned into global policy. Light doocy wrangling. laughter now, the ad actually says, you have to have fourplus years of national or local majormarket experience. Must be willing to work overnights and weekends. So, more than the president. So you need to have a passion for accuracy. Yes. Accuracy, accuracy should be more of a passion project, because your job will be lying. laughter speaking of which, speaking of lying, theres more news about russias attempt to meddle in our elections and this is a big one. Because we learned the russians successfully penetrated the Voter Registration rolls of several u. S. States prior to the 2016 president ial election. Man, russia was really working hard to be part of our election system. I just wish americans felt the same way. cheers and applause elections. Vote, vote. Dooda and the department of Homeland Security, head of cybersecurity, jeanette manfra, explained which states were affected. We saw targeting of 21 states, and an exceptionally small number of that 21 were actually successfully penetrated. Stephen what do you mean exceptionally small number of states . Theres only 50 states. One state is 2 of all states. Also, you know the states arent all equal in an election, right . Dont worry, only two states were hacked by the russians florida and ohio. Now, lets check out the results. Oh, my god. On the bright side, officials assured us there is no evidence any of the registration rolls were altered in any fashion. So we know they got in, but they havent done anything yet. Im not sure thats better. Good news, mr. Johnson. We know the herpes virus got into you, but we know it wont do anything. And its not just the department of Homeland Security saying the russians did it. Its also the guy who invented that department, former u. S. President and formerly the worst u. S. President , george w. Bush. Yesterday, at a conference in abu dhabi, he said, theres pretty clear evidence that the russians meddled, and thats dangerous for democracy, because our democracy is really only as good as people trust the results. For instance, did you know that during the florida recount, the governor was my brother . That is messed up. Its only going to get worse. My imitration is only going to get worse. According to secretary of state and the grandpa you dont visit, rex tillerson. Sexy rexy he list so far away. Sexy rexy says that russia has already begun meddling in the 2018 election, and hes got some harsh words for them. I think its important we just continue to say to russia, look, if you think we dont see what youre doing, we do see it, and you need to stop. laughter stephen thats it, sheriff rex . Youre from the lone star state. Is that the new motto . We see you messing with texas, and you need to stop. But were going to. Shame, shame, shame. But come on, i mean, were the United States. Everythings going to be okay, tough guy . Is the u. S. Better prepared this time around than 2016 . Well, i dont know. I dont know that i would say were better prepared, because the russians will adapt as well. The point is if its their intention to interfere, they are going to find ways to do that, and we can take steps we can take. But once they decide theyre going to do that, its very difficult to preempt it. Stephen yes, thats the founding spirit of the nation id prefer you not tread on me, but if youre going to do it, its very difficult to preempt it. What can we do . I guess we keep the king. Were sorry. We tried to im sorry. applause but dont you dare say the Trump Administration is doing nothing. Because theyre doing less than nothing. In fact, two weeks ago, they declined to impose new sanctions on russia in response to their interference in the 2016 elections because Tillersons State Department said earlier sanctions already in place were serving as a deterrent. Well, which is it . Are the russians deterred, or are they currently hacking the election . It cant be both that would be like President Trump pointing at the empty stands and saying he had the biggest inauguration crowd, or biggest inauguration crowd ever, or claiming he weighs 239 pounds and has a full head of hair. Up it down. Black it white. Day is night. Dogs are cats. And the only republican telling the truth is george w. Bush laughter now whooo the 2018 Winter Olympics started tonight. cheers and applause and one event is going to be totally different this year, because for first time, figure skaters can now use music with lyrics its the biggest update to the olympics since they let all those nude wrestlers put on pants. Laugh now, the International Skating union changed this rule after the sochi olympics as a way to increase the sports popularity and appeal to a younger audience. Yeah, kids get into skating now, while we still have ice. laughter but figure skating music has always had lyrics. They just always get cut because theyre too distracting. Luckily, we found some rare footage that still has them. laughter stephen yeah im so looking forward to it jon i cannot wait. Stephen i cannot wait. Im in favor of the lyrics. Jon yeah, i like the lyrics. Theyre great. Were right in the middle of flu season, and this is a particularly bad one. Anybody had the flu this year . Security, remove them, please. Flu hospitalizations are skyrocketing, and 48 states are experiencing widespread illnesses, leaving only two healthy states, which finally explains why alaska and hawaii are quarantined in those little boxes. Now, doctors recommend getting a flu shot to protect yourself, but if you really dont want to get sick, youre better off listening to trump advisor and woman ordering maid to empty out her purse, Gloria Copeland. Copeland is a christian minister and a member of trumps evangelical advisory board. Theyre the ones who advise trump to turn the other cheek when being spanked by porn stars. cheers and applause you got to even it out. You got to even it out. Even swelling. Even out the swelling. And Gloria Copeland has some pretty unconventional theories on how to avoid the flu. Inoculate yourself with the word of god. Jesus himself gave us the flu shot. Stephen really . I had no idea jesus worked at cvs pull an extra shift. Pull a night shift. But if youre still worried about coming down with the flu, copelands got a surefire way to avoid it so get on the word. Stay on the word. And if you say, well, i dont have any symptoms of the flu, well, great, thats the way its supposed to be. Just keep saying that, ill never have the flu. Stephen true, because if you walk around constantly talking to yourself, no ones gonna want to get close enough to give you the flu. applause it seems like strange advice, but maybe she got some intel from the lord himself. I dont know. No, she didnt, stephen. Stephen hey, god. Its the lord, everybody say hi hey, everybody. Stephen well, so how about it, lord . Can you prevent people from getting the flu . Heck, no i cant even keep myself from getting the flu. sneezes me, bless me. Layoff laugh. Stephen wait a second, lord, youre sick . Oh, i got it bad, stephen. I guess i didnt pray enough. Stephen are a lot of people in heaven sick . Big time. Mother teresas super stuffed up, Jackie Robinsons been barfing all week. Stalin seems healthy, though. Good genes, i guess. Stephen wait, stalins in heaven . I forgive all, stephen. Next question. laughter stephen so, how are you treating this one . Well, ive been sucking down benadryl like theres no tomorrow. But dont get behind the wheel when youre on that stuff. Yesterday, i dozed off and crashed my datsun into a mailbox. I had to flee on foot before the cops showed up. I cant go back to prison. Stephen god, everyone i hope you feel better, lord. Oh, thanks, stephen. Stephen weve got a great show for you tonight. Nathan lane is here but when we return, john oliver puts his head in a box. Stick around applause ive always wanted to share a special moment with my mom. I think surprising her with a night ski trip would just be the biggest gift i could give her. Lets make that happen. Shes gonna be so excited. Take me where i want to be. Let me dream, oh, let me dream. Im losing myust memind just a little so, why dont you just meet me in the middle in the middle band playing cheers and applause stephen which is the executive branch. Hey, everybody, welcome back. Happy friday to all of you. Im so glad our friend. John oliver stayed around. Dear friend. Wow close close friend, as you can tell from the pause between friend stephen i almost called you jon stewart is the thing. Thats how much love i have for you. Great escape. Thank you. That is a steve mcqueenlike escape. Stephen thank you very much. I didnt need a baseball. Weve known each other for a while, right . Stephen i love talking to you on the show. Me, too, always. Stephen and being on your show is always fun, but its always in public. We cant get personal. Thats a fair point. Stephen yeah. But i was wondering if you would like to catch up in a more private, personal space. Would you want to do that . We need to givat a try. Stephen good. Join me now in the late shows personal space. cheers and applause stephen hi. Oh, boy. Stephen how are you . Im i think im okay. This is an interesting interpretation of the phrase personal space. Stephen yes. So just whats great is we can just number here and nobody can see us. Okay. Stephen what we say in the box stays in the box, okay . Is that is that a promise . Stephen its a tv promise. laughter ill take it. Stephen first person question have you ever done a deep dive on your show and at the end of it, even you dont know what the bleep you just talked about . laughter applause i want to say that happens a maximum of one in four times. laughter stephen do you moisturize . laughter is that a question or an inherent criticism . I feel like thats a question i should ask you, do i moisturize . Stephen science isnt in on that. Okay, ill take that as a hard yes. Stephen whats your you dont have to whisper, by the way. You dont have to. Its totally safe. Again, this is soundproof. This whole box is soundproof. Okay. Stephen okay . Yeah. Stephen you get to say bad words on hbo, and i dont because im on cbs. Whats your favorite curse word you get to say on hbo . Listen, youre going to have to bleep this out. Stephen obviously. Its so frustrating for you. But a simple journeyman bleep has, you know, the soft f and the nice landing of the hard k. Stephen sure, sure, wow. Youre really a connoisseur. Youre really a connoisseur of this. Its its really a piece of cutlery you want to go into battle. Stephen w. Stephen all right. Do you want do you want a mint or anything like that . I would take a mint. Stephen lets see if i got if i can get one in here. Okay. laughter stephen wait, wait, do you want do you want some binaca. Stephen ill attack a binaca. Mmmwhooo it really burns the chin, doesnt it . They dont say that on the bottle. Stephen no. Now, youve been in the United States for how many years, how many years . Ive been here for 11 years. Stephen 11 years. I think our hair is attaching, by the way. Its like laughter . Stephen velcro its like velcro were like two balloons. Is it normal for your quads to feel quite so fiery . laughter stephen youre going to be so toned. How is it possible this is a workout when were literally still . laughter . Stephen when when you you have been here for 11 year uhhuh,ies. Stephen you still you still have the ridiculous accent. laughter is that is that because it makes you sound smart, or because when you say things they sound way funnier when you say it with that accent . I think its the currency i traffic in. I think you take away this accent. Stephen yes. And you realize im not actually left with much. laughter again, this is this is this is a private box, right . Stephen oh, no one will ever know. The secret sauce is you want an imperialsounding accent. Stephen okay. Again, you give me your absolute word that this doesnt go outside this box, steve glen oh, no, no bleep no. Im just saying, if you imagine my show with me sounding like im from queens. Stephen yup. No ones watching that bleep show, stephen. laughter . Stephen i wouldnt watch it. Wouldnt watch it. You applause everybody, welcome, the last week tonight, how you doing . Stephen whats the deal with the criminal justice system. Guess what, tonight were going to talk about vaccines stephen i want you to be honest with the next one, okay . Have you watch the crown . Is this. Ive seen the pilot episode of it. Stephen did you cry . No. Stephen john . I cried you have to understand the level of class resentment that i have in me, stephen. Ficried, it was tears of white, hot rage. laughter . Stephen what is the lowest currency that you would pick up off a sidewalk . Whats the smallest coin you would pick up . Im not walking past a quarter. laughter stephen bait dime, youre just walking past the dime. A dime, im kicking into the gutter and feeling like king of the world. laughter . Stephen all right, all right. Another valentines day is next week. Yup. Im literally out of breath, and i havent moved. laughter any any doctor in the world is going to see this as a warning sign. laughter stephen valentines day is next week. Yes. Stephen who was your first kiss . laughter no judgment. No judgment, john. I cant remember her name. No, its not listen. Stephen whats the story . How did you meet her . No, the story i was a child. laughter stephen and she was, too. She was 44. She was my teacher. applause stephen uhhuh. Uhhuh. Stephen okay. Is this neither the time nor the place for a confession like that . Stephen could be, could be. laughter whos your next kiss . laughter cheers and applause laughter stephen season 5 of last week tonight. With johnny from queens. Stephen well be right back. cheers and applause dont we need that cable box to watch tv . Nope. Dont we need to run . Nope. It just explodes in a high pitched yeahhh. yeahhh try directv now for 10 a month for 3 months. No satellite needed. But mania, such as unusualrder can changes in your mood,able. Activity or energy levels, can leave you on shaky ground. Help take control by asking about your treatment options. Vraylar is approved for the acute treatment of manic or mixed episodes of bipolar i disorder in adults. Clinical studies showed that vraylar reduced overall manic symptoms. Vraylar should not be used in elderly patients with dementia due to increased risk of death or stroke. Call your doctor about fever, stiff muscles, or confusion, which may mean a lifethreatening reaction, or uncontrollable muscle movements, which may be permanent. Side effects may not appear for several weeks. High cholesterol and weight gain; high blood sugar, which can lead to coma or death; decreased white blood cells, which can be fatal; dizziness upon standing; falls; seizures; impaired judgment; heat sensitivity; and trouble swallowing may occur. Youre more than just your bipolar i. Ask your doctor about vraylar. We cantwhy . Y here flat toilet paper ill never get clean way ahead of you. avo charmin ultra strong. It cleans better. Its four times stronger and you can use less. Enjoy the go with charmin. 60 of women are wearing the wrong size pad and can experience leaks discover always my fit. Find the number thats right for your flow and panty size on the top of any always pack. The better the fit, the better it protects. Always. It only takes a second for an everyday item to become dangerous. Tide pods childguard pac. Helps keep your laundry pacs safe, and your child safer. To close, twist until it clicks. Tide pods childguard packaging. band playing cheers and applause ask. Stephen hey, everybody, welcome back. My first guest tonight is a two time toneaward winner starring in the revival of angels in america on broadway. Please welcome nathan lane. cheers and applause cheers and applause . Thank you oh, bless you thank you wow oh, please. Stephen no, please. You know, nathan, i just wish you were more comfortable on stage. Youre like a fish out of water. I am a longtime fan. I cant believe same here. Stephen this is the first time weve met. Stephen, you mean, you dont remember that magical night we spent with storm daniels . I didnt think you could get that many people into a hot tub stephen i dont remember her. Not ringing a bell . Stephen no, i dont remember her spanking you with a playbill or anything like that. Oh, yeah, i was a bad boy. And remember afterwards you told her all about your tremendous fear of manatees sitting on your face. Which, after public speaking, is peoples biggest fear. God, its great to be back at the ed sullivan theater cheers and applause ill tell you. Stephen and back in the United States. Yes i havent been here since they fired letterman. It was sad. But i love what youve done with the place. Its like someone took the Hayden Planetarium and put it on top of a gay cruise ship. I feel right at home. Stephen thank you very much. cheers and applause yes. No stephen youre youre your cabin boy will be right over. No, seriously, i am also a big fan and longtime fan