Classics. Or not . I object that she answers you. She answers. Yes . No, probably, especially for you, we have collected the best speeches, because stupid americans, how can i write the numbers in letters, as well as the prediction and frank memoirs of the legendary satirical writer. That for the eighteenth year europe was heating firewood firewood was supplied from siberia the United States once again imposed sanctions russia once again placed on what imposed the United States to run away from the controller by electric train. Our logic is stuck. We have energy ahead of logic american, the german thinks on the go, standing english, sitting russian flow, and the russian first does, then thinks how to clear up what he did the russian does not answer the questions or how they can think that the elections and the elections of someone will help them if they themselves do not answer the question i ask, how long o am i late for the institute. I didnt ask you a prostitute from someone else. You, when you go on vacation, i dont know, we have a big company. We will go to greece. I asked you when they where and with whom do you understand . Only our man can start bargaining with the minibus driver. Here such logic does not keep up with the energy, only our man can come up to a stranger on the beach or a stranger and say, i want to swim, yes a buoy, then a jog. Need an hour. Could you watch my things, i have money there and an expensive mobile phone. And then they wonder where to do it all. Yes , only ours drink to health. Only ours , only ours, has a kidney stone in a box, and he boasts of it to the guests himself. Unique people only our women, when her husband beats her, the police call the police she comes to protect her husband and beats the Police Together with him. A woman tells me imagine everything according to your performance. I go to work, i remember that i forgot to turn off the turkey. Or maybe i didnt forget, i dont know, i return at this time the call, i say, i forget on the phone. Why did you return . I leave for the streets, i remember that i had to check a little bit, and in order not to return and not to remember, i took the iron with me to work. Only russian people can , but the program is not worth admiring the hurricane. Here, for example, in bulgaria in horror there was a hurricane. Typhoon all fled from hp russians say, take pictures of me in the background as soon as he approaches home. Look what death. Ugh, eyes are on fire. Only our woman in the minibus, says he heard himself. Stop me at that stop, the other one says, and me too. These people cannot live well, they dont care who they vote for ; politics doesnt matter to this people. She cant find it in her purse, sorry. So in front of everyone he probably says i forgot it at home. The woman stood on the scales a brilliant case on the scales in the clinic and picks up her stomach. In order to weigh less, even emigrants, by the way, have understood in the west that it is necessary to teach children the russian language, because the witty ones begin to understand that humor is better to eat one thing, but children, for example, grew up in america. And in the family, if they spoke russian, they begin to make fun in American Schools, for example, in the city of san jose, not far from san francisco, russians made fun. Children, there are russian children in this school a lot they sent three pigs to an American School on the pigs the americans wrote the numbers 1 2 and 4. They were looking for a pig with number three oh, and the boy came up with it, too, well, a wonderful story, and the germans say the russians answer the rules, whoever breaks motorists sends them to tests to ask exams for morons, sometimes the germans have questions at all whether it is possible to put three balls from us from table tennis on top of each other. Well, this is completely. Well, if they answer that i will think now, then it is for retake, and such cases happen in the middle, germans, ours, he says, you can take out the chewing gum and blinded it. And the boy pinned himself in the american subway, but this is a brilliant case. This hamburgerlike observer sits here, then. And he put a magnetic card, which must be carried out, stuck everything in his cap. This is exactly what came up and said, lord, let me through without a ticket and normal yes, she believed god. Oh, and immigrants from germany wrote everything according to your stories. In order to cause pure pride in you now, the immigrants decided to build an extension to the house of brick. Well, they think ours will not come to mind that a brick should be bought only to steal. We went to the construction site on sunday, because on sunday it would never occur to any of the germans to guard the bricks. The settings filled the trunk of the trailer and the police pulls up saying what youre doing without batting an eyelid. Our say, we built a house. We have a brick. We brought it here to set it up so that it will come in handy for someone. How do i parody the air in the chest . Recruit the germans policemen, they say it is impossible by law. Immediately. Take everything and you. One of the main jokes Mikhail Zadornov was america i cant live without america so do you know the shortest joke about America Mcdonalds is a restaurant . Do you know that the American Army is happy to meet any other army for an interesting pastime on its territory, do you know that in order to incapacitate an american commando, it is enough to pull a roll of toilet paper out of his backpack . This kind of westernization came to russia and er me, for example, you know, i dont hire a person who says ok for me, this man, a, has impoverished his thinking. What is english, is the transmission of information. I passed the information to you, what, i love you . Why yes, because you can not change places. And yuyu. Ay, paws, you cant speak russian, as much as you like, and there are only two intonations in english otherwise. You will fall out of the norm, out of the norm with us. I love you, like, love love. Yes, i love you, im doing you gone, they say. Look out of here, what a variety of nuances of human feelings . Because i convey intonations, as i love you in english, more verbs faster get to the division of money, so when the russian people start to weave english words. I believe they are impoverishing their thinking. You will never translate into english the word not up to drunk because this feeling is not drunk. This is not information transfer. Its impossible to explain, you know, american. He complained to me, he married a russian, i cant understand what she answers my question. Do you want tea . He says i dont even know if she wants to or not. I ask him. What does she answer you . She answers. Yes . No, i guess. Is russian a language . This is the language of conveying the nuances of feelings to me, a businessman says about an official. He does not want to communicate with me, because i did not bring him up to it. A huge number of suffixes of prefixes in our language are secrets. You know that the word rich only in russian came the word god god you, we forgot about it, in whom there is a lot of god, that rich. The first rows, sorry, yeah, but here whoever has a lot of money is not rich , that collector is simply fate meaning. Now this is wealth. They have merged two moments of wealth and fate for them is one and the same, and in our language there is no word, bogatyr was composed of two words of the ancient slavic god, and there is no tyrit, no ha ha. After all, you meant to save at that time, then save up to steal merged into one process when the program went astray for our people. Thank you, god save us. Oh, when we look in for us, a person is a spiritual being, when we look, we are linguistic observation, we are proud of him, when we look into the room, we are not talking about souls. For us, a person, first of all, it is a spiritual , e, essence. And when the americans look in they say, yes, there is no torso for them , a mans torso. And when they get into tough situations in their blockbusters, they say save our asses. The most precious thing is saved, what is left in the world. That is why i care so much for the russian language, because our language was created not for the sake of profit, not for the sake of profit. Its only in russian. There is an expression money is evil among americans. It cant be like that, expressing really evil. Come to the store. Look at the prices, evil is not missing an american in riga came to the supermarket dropped chicken broth. Such a suspension such a colloidal little bit of caloid prominent suspension such a whitish transparent bottle is drawn on the label, chicken. And when it disappeared due to the crisis, he approached the cashier and asked. Please tell me where the chicken milk attention has gone. Thanks for being russian. Well, in general, i remembered the speech and the satirist of one said to himself, well, stupid out loud, she didnt speak, and after all she says, theres no chicken milk it happens. The american appeared with an inquisitive mind asked why. Ours, too, is not a miss. And where are you, where did you see the chicken in the name . The american was not at all stupid, he thought , thought and said, but the coconut also does not have a name. But you cant take ours with bare hands. She says the coconut is already uddered. You nothing palms thats a good conversation, turned out to be very smart. But all the records were broken by an american on sakhalin, he photographed a bush of red currants in sakhalin, you ask. Why are you taking pictures . This wonderful one has never seen caviar growing on bushes . Our guy is well found what to answer says, now such a period is not flattered in the bushes. Well, as a talented person, he noticed not only the bad, but also the good. Americans on the streets smile at each other in the morning. You have seen our faces since morning. You went to the subway i once gave such an image, in my opinion, it is very accurate. I will repeat it on our faces in the morning, as if a bandaid had been torn off from the most hairy place. We also have this, that our expressions are all smiles. That a smiling man arouses suspicion in us or is he crazy or somewhere he stole something or the expression from the youth that turned on the smiley . Americans in the elevator strangers ask each other. How are you . I beg you very much. Tomorrow you will be in the elevator. I went to a stranger to ask how you are and smile. And tell me, thank you, if he doesnt kill you at all, being afraid that you are climbing about his two from where . Why dont we study the service of americans, well, how can you compare the way they serve and ours . My assistant olya often goes on tour to shops in the far east, buy several cans of crabs. They give one jar rumpled, and she is a saleswoman and says bank. Rumpled crabs, i wont take it, he says, now he will eat with a can. In another city, olya says, the saleswoman tried the bread, she says, damn your tough one, and you press harder. I witnessed cases when i came to the store, they did not recognize me. And im so urgent, i say. Well, as i used to say, be kind. She says, in short, yes, a unique people. We only put buoys on russian beaches in several lines. The first one for which you cant swim, and the second, for which you seriously dont need to. Only in russia does a man learn that vodka costs 50 rubles in gay clubs. Can you reconsider your orientation . Only for a russian person, any thing in the house goes through three stages, a balcony is a garage. Everyone knows how to equip russia, but he cannot tidy up his own balcony, and only ours. When you call him at work and ask. What are you doing answer. And finally , only in russia can laughter be heard from an overturned car. I was 12 years old. I remember under this song in general, we are crazy a dingding went down, a large range of feelings and impressions of a person on whose behalf a star star is sung. Im totally in shock. I wept. Today it is the rarest case, in general i saw eyes. I understood what she wanted to do. It is possible to listen to the news endlessly. Ghent, now, if only with this song, aspic, like art, only tastier with horseradish and mustard maheev. A person with longterm anxiety often hears advice or, for example, thank you for the advice. 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Go to the microphone and activate mega powers for unlimited megafon actually, well, only now, if they ask me what our future is, i seriously cannot predict. I can only joke, and then it will be interesting in different cities , psychics come, these rivers, they are the only people who come and say, i am a prophet, i say, yes , interesting, lets get to know each other. He says, but i dont have students. I say, what kind of a prophet are you if you have no students, but he believes that he is a prophet, and recently one came to kazan, he says, i contacted you in the astral plane. I say, yeah, i understand, i heard this morning. How do you go to the astral plane . He speaks via skype normally. And to me and in the end says i had a sign to meet with you today. I speak from the almighty and what do you understand . Ive been for five years now. Well, he has the audacity to direct your actions from the astral, he told me this, that is, he still wants to get his percentage from this case. Here in this respect was, well done, you know, who is alan chumak, he is generally with such humor. Although its not noticeable. Once we performed with him. In one concert, the back door came out of the hall there in one city, not in moscow for a week. Uh, well, we left through the service entrance. And there are already sick people for the dude to cure. Now, not slowly, a hundred people got rid of chromate from dementia. He says you want to be cured all at once. Yes close your eyes. Raise your hands. Just stand there and leave. The next phrase will be a little bit like this from what was predicted. Uh, very soon as the stars show. E will find oil in france and in england from the usa to doubt their democracy. After scientists go oil in antarctica from the usa will defeat the bloody penguin regime where did Mikhail Zadornov draw ideas for monologues, he told his viewers, i read newspapers. Obliquely diagonally and only to smile. I cant take it seriously wrote out a few. Yes , i also like to read, you know, not the articles themselves. And the title of the notes is enough, please, here are a few notes that i recently saw in various newspapers. Unknown mold conquers the subway it is necessary to send to hollywood they will shoot the film, as bruce willis gives birth to mold fights. This is where i got a bit carried away. This article was read by a colombian drug lord. What plot did he die in the moscow intensive care unit . I cant. Let me finish. He died in the moscow intensive care unit because of a drunken russian driver. Tell me how you can take it all. Its only only slavish thinking that can allow it to be believed. I feel sorry for, for example, the colombian drug lord became, but the cool kid was normally survived in all the showdowns of the world level participated , he was blown up by our kid, who just didnt get a hangover. I believe that if there was a nomination for the most frightening title in a newspaper, this is you article. It would be necessary to assign this prize in the moscow river in the summer there was this article in the moscow river. Maybe, well, many people remember that piranhas appeared because of the heat, this is already a thriller, and they ate a traffic cop who fell from a sunstroke from a bridge with a cap and bribes. Mikhail zadornov all his life noticed the funny in our lives and collected stories sent by the audience. And also a whole collection of letters from teachers has accumulated. Teachers write you are right that you do not scold children, they really just dont know much. Young teachers came to school, they just graduated from pedagogical universities. Now nobody can. As a result, the school is filled with people who are semiliterate teachers. Here is a teacher in a chemistry class. The young teacher says to the students. Look at me before you a hydrogen molecule. And if you read the comments that young teachers write in their diaries, its just a humorous number that doesnt want to love pushkin, the whole lesson didnt get out of the portfolio. Read in reading class. This is what i like. Oh, oh, i washed the floor in the classroom with a shawl, forget it. At the physical education lesson, he refused to use the mat. Your son saw the decimal logarithm in the coffin right from the disco the teacher came and expresses himself in the same words, but the hands of literature are young, the teacher asked the children, and who wants to share who become one in life pinned the boy said, i would like to become a pathologist. She says, here they are nice, we will all be treated with you. Another friend of mine works in a bank. He sent it to me. He writes down one for the clients. The client tells him. Tell the young man, you can use it like a cell. Hello you call the defaulter petrov tell me im very malicious. In the bank, tell me how much you can laugh. Here. Explain. But this is a masterpiece, this is a masterpiece. Here write the amount of the loan in words client in words. How is that . The manager is literally a client, a young man in his right mind. How do i spell the numbers . The russian language teacher wrote. I came to the market, and there it hasnt been 3 days yet,