and then after that, i gradually developed this severe inability to speak, like -- like i have still, 'cause there's always this push-pull, this suppression. i wrote a note to do telling him, "i'm feeling i can't be in the group anymore." he came to talk to me and said, "you are throwing away your opportunity to graduate. you haven't done anything to displease me. there's no reason for you to leave." and kept returning to this gut knowing, saying, "i'm sorry. i have no choice."