And while i hope no one wins, if anyone knows Mishca Barton could you please remind her that she has nothing to live for because i could really use that 50. [laughter] and if she does kill herself, dont worry. I will use that 50 for a charity. [laughter] thank you so much for watching. Make sure you watch next week when i head to adultcon to teach porn stars a thing or two about fetishes. And we also give the backyard wrestler a web redemption. My guys dont worry, wrestlings fake. [laughter] and dont forget to go to our website comedycentral. Com tosh. 0 to submit your inappropriate macho man randy savage impressions. Also, follow me on twitter and check my tour dates so i can offended you in person. Last episode i asked you to guess what castro and i were looking at. Out of the 1,700 who submitted an answer, over 350 of you guessed i was looking at a penis. [laughter] not making that number up. Youre right. I was looking at a penis. You guys know me so well. No, i was looking at a squeak toy that just so happened to be hanging from a veiny, uncircumcised penis. [laughter] goodnight. See you next week. [applause] [the colbert report theme music playing] [the colbert report theme music playing] captioning sponsored by Comedy Central [eagle caw] [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen brac brac] stephen thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. You are too kind. [cheers and applause] welcome to the broadcast. Thank you so much. Please [cheers and applause] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you in here, out there, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us. Phone lines are open. [ laughter ] nation, we are just days away from super bowl sunday. And i couldnt be more pumped. Its like football christmas, if christmas were more commercialized. [ laughter ] and i love everything about football the sweet science, the pick and roll, from downtown, you sunk my battleship yahtzee [ laughter ] im just dying to see the San Francisco earthquakes face [ laughter ] off against the baltimore, i wanna say, trashcan fires . [ laughter ] so put on your game face, then shove nachos into that game face, because this is the sport report [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] nation [ laughter ] this sunday is all about the big matchup, two titans of the game finally go head to head. Im talking of course about axe body spray versus the etrade baby [ laughter ] because superbowl ads are my favorite part of the game, and this year theres an exciting new development. Teaser ads that tease you toward the ads in the big game. This is now a brand new phenomenon and it is no joke. Think of it as ads for the ads stephen yes, ads for ads. [ laughter ] this is great tivo watchers have something to practice fastforwarding through. [ laughter ] and me . I love em especially this teaser for the ad for taco bell. [ laughter ] wow, seeing that old man get hurt really makes me crave some mexican food. [ laughter ] or some taco bell. [ laughter ] you know, even mercedes is getting in on the adforthead action. You missed a spot. Stephen oooh, really targets their key demographic [ laughter ] 14yearold boys making 500,000 dollars a year. [ laughter ] must be a lot of them out there. [ laughter ] but sadly the game itself is being marred by accusations about one of the star players. Baltimore ravens linebacker, ray lewis, is denying a Sports Illustrated report that claims that he used a banned substance while recovering a torn tricep this season. The article claims lewis was given deer antler spray to speed up his recovery. It comes from the velvet of deer antlers. Deer antler spray . Stephen yes, deer antler spray, which of course, was banned after Lance Armstrong became the first hooved winner of the tour de france. [ laughter ] i did not know this evidently, deer antlers contain a hormone called igf1 that is thought to help muscle recovery. Lewis has strongly denied these accusations, and has some choice words about his accuser. The guy has no credibility. Hes been sued four times over the same bs. Dont let people from the outside ever come and try to disturb whats inside. You know, and thats the trick of the devil. The trick of the devil is to kill, steal and destroy. Thats what he comes to do. He comes to distract you for everything youre trying to do. Stephen well said. Because the best way to prove youre not on drugs is to talk about how the devil is trying to make you do things. [ laughter ] personally, i think all the players should take this stuff. The nfl has a real headinjury problem, and antlers are natures helmet. [ laughter ] in fact, all football teams should be permitted to take performance enhancing drugs, as long as theyre extracted from their teams mascot. Let the chicago players inject bear bile. [ laughter ] let cincinnati snort tiger dong, and the washington whoa. [ laughter ] and full disclosure, this issue is personal for me. Because i too have been accused by my rivals of abusing deer antler spray. They wonder how i can keep this up, night after night, without [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] [ laughter ] next up, my job is to look out for the american public. For instance, i always scream car whenever im about to hit someone with my car. [ laughter ] and right now, ive got a game day warning for you about gatorade. Go to your fridge, grab a bottle a gatorade. Look at the ingredients. One no longer is there. That would be flame retardant. Yes, flame retardant. The substance is called bvo brominated vegetable oil. It keeps the ingredients from separating. Stephen folks, this is an outrage. Theyre messing with a classic american recipe. Gatorade without bvo is like hotdogs without pig sphincter, [ laughter ] or apple pie without apple sphincter. [ laughter ] oh, its in there. [ laughter ] thank god gatorade still has the rest of its essential ingredients monopotassium phosphate, yellow die number five, and glycerol ester of wood rosin. Oh, ester of wood rosin my favorite new character on downton abbey. [ laughter ] anyway, im still gonna be serving gatorade at my Super Bowl Party. And, folks, there is no Super Bowl Party more rockin than the annual bash at captain colberts goodtime house of ballsout kickin it. [ laughter ] the whole wrecking crew is gonna be there lou dawg, smallface tommy, eddie pantspleats, and vinnie the dentist. [ laughter ] we call him that because hes a dentist. I do a basement tailgate. Let me tell you, after three or four breezies and 20 minutes indoors with my idling chevy tahoe, no one walks out under their own power. You have to love people that applaud brain damage. Like nfl fans. [cheers and applause] of course, people come for the signature snacks, like my worldfamous eight meat chili. This year i even have a vegetarian version, with only six meats. [ laughter ] but the partys in danger of missing out on the main meat. Guess what . Shortage of chicken wings. Your super bowl chicken wings are going to be more expensive this year and harder to get. Last years severe drought led to fewer chickens and therefore fewer chicken wings. 2. 52. Thats what a pound of chicken wings will cost you this year a record for super bowl sunday. Stephen 2. 52 for a pound of food . Where are they raising these chickens . In a place with access to light . [ laughter ] until we get this wing situation under control, im calling on science to discover ways to buffalo other normally discarded chicken parts. Im talking the headskin, the beak lips, the cankles. [ laughter ] cuz, no surprise, with wing prices flying high and refusing to dip, thieves with sticky fingers are running afowl of the law and creating quite a flap honey mustard. [ laughter ] jim . Police have arrested two men that allegedly stole 65,000 worth of chicken wings from the frozen Food Distribution center. Police say the men used a forklift to load ten pallets of tyson chicken wings on to a rental truck. Stephen thats right, they pulled off a 65,000 wing heist, which i believe is also the plot of oceans 19. [ laughter ] now, the thieves were apprehended and charged, but the wings were never found. [ laughter ] where could they be . [ laughter ] point is, if you are one of the fortunate who managed to get some wings for the super bowl, for gods sake, be smart and put a padlock on them. Oooh buffalo padlock. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] stephen hey, wait here. I didnt know. Welcome back, everybody. Nation, ive seen a lot of insane things in my day. After all, ive interviewed james carville. [ laughter ] of course, every now and then something really wild leaps out at you again, james carville. [ laughter ] once hes coiled, he has to strike. [ laughter ] and when something truly unusual comes along, i drop everything to tell america about the craziest bleep thing ive ever heard. [ laughter ] folks, humans are far more productive than anything in the animal kingdom. Trust me, i spend my entire workday watching. Kittens on youtube. [ laughter ] they get nothing done. No, you dont. You dont get nothing done. You are so sleepy. [ laughter ] [babbling] but new research may force us to eat crow, thanks to an Oxford University study of crows using tools. Watch this. As this crow who, without any training, uses a small tool to get at a slightly longer tool, then uses the longer tool to get a treat. This is insane [ laughter ] a bird showing higherlevel thinking how is that possible . Its been over 40 years and big bird still needs help counting to ten [ laughter ] this is an amazing feat. Its a little tough to see on that video, so let me show you just how clever that crow was. This is basically the experiment going on. Theres food at the end of this tube. Theres a peanut m m down there. Represents the treat down there the other tools of various lengths have tools of various lengths in them. In order to get the food, what you do is you try to get your finger in there. Get that out of there when did my fingers get so fat . [ laughter ] what if [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] wait a second. You gotta use the tools. Give me those bleep things snsm could you forget it. I dont need it. Okay. All right. Ahhh. Mmmmm. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] nation, ive watched sheryl crow from a crows nest. While drinking old crow to forget about my crows feet. But a crow using tools . Thats the craziest bleep 1e,x6;h8g99gx [cheers and applause] stephen welcome back, everybody. Thank you so much. My guest tonight says beethovens fifth symphony is shorthand for all classical music. Great, now i dont have to listen to the rest of it. [ laughter ] please welcome matthew guerrieri. [cheers and applause] am i saying that right . Guerrieri. Stephen great. What does that mean . Warriors. Stephen you are many warrior . Extremely illnamed is what i am. Stephen listen here, tough guy. [ laughter ] youve got a new book called the first four notes bay toaf yens fifth and the human imagination. You are a music critic for the boston globe, you are responsible for the blog sohothedoing. Why this section of this symphony . Why the first four notes . Well, because if you are interested in culture and musical culture this piece is the beginning of the musical culture we know today. Stephen don don, don, don dah. It has an opening everybody can remember. Stephen . It keeps going. Stephen its kind of repetitive. Incredible cell phone jingle writer of all times . [ laughter ] that, i dont know. I dont hear it that much. Stephen really . I wish i heard it more. Stephen you have to hang out with classier people. I do. Stephen is it revolutionary . What is so different about the fact that he keeps driving home this one thing throughout the theme of the entire symphony . It was an unusual thing at the time and it was sort of a hook that let a group of thinkers called the german romantics adopt this piece as their musical mascot. They were trying to really rethink the way that people perceived music. They were trying to reorganize the hierarchy of musical life. Beethoven happened to bet best composer around. They wanted to use his music as an example to advance their ind intellectual cause and this piece turned out to fit their agenda perfectly. Its this ability to trace the motive throughout the entire piece actually ties into a lot of it willary ideas they are interested in. They are interested in ideas of achieving some sort of wholeness, achieving organic unit after going through a journey of meeting up with doubles and meeting up with sort of sort of these uncanny coincidences. And the person responsible for this was an author named eti hoffman who wrote a long and famous review of the piece. Later on he would go on to write fiction that was famous at the time. All of thinks fiction is all about these people who meet other people who think they are long lost twins, or they meet in some of the stories the characters meet people who are clockwork rep caz of other people. Its this weird sort of idea that you have to go through this hall of mirrors and at the end of it, you come out realizing that theres this wholeness you dont quite have access to but the romantics believe music gave you a glimpse of that. These are incredibly heady ideas but beethoven was the delivery vehicle for it. Stephen now, i did not follow all of that. [ laughter ] so these germans had some big ideas. Very big. Stephen and betoafens music seemed like a manifestation of these ideas. Why these four notes the manifestation of that . You dont need to go through it again. [ laughter ] because ill be just as lost. To be honest, they were, too, so. Stephen to they had a romantic longing for some sort of ideal and they thought that this was the ideal the represent tition of this theme so what did i just say mean . They were trying to figure out what that sort of thing meant . They were yearning for something really beyond human understanding. Stephen i think beyond human understanding, were they popular . Was this a hit . The first per formance was a disaster but once hoffmans review came out people began to take it seriously and it did become fairly well known. Its really one of first pieces of music where people felt like they had to know it to be culturally literate. Stephen did they have goofy . The german romantics glommed on to him. Stephen i meant the ladies unless, you know torque each his own. You had unfulfill add tachments with purposely unattainable women throughout his life. There was a pair of psychologists who wrote a book that suggested maybe he wasnt that interested in the ladies. Stephen isnt fur elise for a lady love . Nobody is quite sure. Stephen it was written for elise. Matthew thank you for coming on with me