Guys, stop. Youre ruining my 4th act. Next week, the American Idol girls get a web redemption. American idol 2008 is david cook. [ screaming ] i felt the same way when Walter Mondale lost the election. Like it was yesterday. Keep up with our daily blog at comedycentral. Com tosh. O. Make sure you come see me on the tosh tour 2010. And follow me on twitter so we can live chat during the show as most of you know, i host a book burning every tuesday. The problem is, all that smoke is really bad for the environment. Thats why i created a way more efficient way to rid the world of offensive literature. Thank you for coming to my first book burning. Today, we will be burning 1,500 books. [ laughter ] reading is cool. So now that we have ipads, can we get rid of libraries . [ laughter ] those are the perfect buildings for like highend lofts. I love exposed brick. Listen, i know that bit was not that funny, but remember, when snl does a sketch that doesnt work, its still 5 1 2 minutes long. That was 20 seconds. Stay tuned for an all new jon stewart and now before we go, heres your moment of men. Oh see you next week. Good night. [ applause ] captioning sponsored by Comedy Central theme song playing cheers and applause [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] stephen welcome report to, everybody. Thank you for joining us. Thank you so much. Please. [cheers and applause] thank you. Please. Please thank you for join us. Thank you for being here and out there and a special good evening to whatever poor staff is down at Comedy Central and logging all the little clips for my show right now. Its a horrible job. Get out of there. Happy birthday. Nation, its hard to get through the noise of washington, d. C. But last night name an epic stand on the senate floor by libertarian senator rand paul. To washington we go now where a bit of a rarity taking place today, republican senator Rand Paul Kentucky right now filibustering president obamas choice for c. I. A. Director john brennan. Senator paul said he will talk until he no longer can. You talk and talk to prevent a vote. Stephen talking and talking and talking to fill hours of empty time. [laughter] its the story cable news was born to cover. [ laughter ] folks, senator paul started his filibuster in response to the answer he received from attorney general eric holder to this question can the u. S. Government carry out drone strikes against american citizens on u. S. Soil . The attorney general, eric holder, has made a surprising statement, yes but only under extraordinary circumstanceses. Stephen like an endless war with a faceless enemy fought by Remote Control flying killbots. How often does that happen . [laughter] the first question was al qaeda enemy combatant. Over the course of the 13 straight hours he raised a slippery slope question the answer to which he received this afternoon. The administration has responded with a letter from attorney general holder to rand paul. Im quoting, it has come to my attention youve asked does the president have the authority to use aid weaponnized drone to kill an american not the answer is no. There was one of shortest letters from an attorney general and it had a silent fu in there somewhere. Stephen fu, of course stands for thank you for is asking. I want to thank rand paul for making this brave stance because its good to know they cannot kill us. Im sure theres not classified legal opinion overriding that one like we dont know about. Doesnt change my opinion. No matter what anybody says, i love drones. [ laughter ] do you hear that drones . Stephen loves you [cheers and applause] stephen, loves drones, drones, with pretty face drones. Nation, you know when i take to the airwaves i expect the entire world to be listening and i mean the entire world. Would it kill you to get hulu plus people of rainforest . [laughter] but i have a special interest in North Koreans who i assume are watching on their television sets. This week los koreans del norte threated to use a missile on the u. S. And you know they mean business they wiped east and west korea off the map. [ applause ] i also clap when im terrified. With tensions rising america had no choice but to send their top negotiator Dennis Rodman for some basketball diplomacy. After all it worked at the conference with stalin. He backed down pretty quick after getting tomahawk dunked on by fdr. [laughter] we learned it failed. Breaking this morning north korea vows to launch a Nuclear Strike against the United States. The war of words escalating. North korea threatening to turn washington into a sea. Stephen north korea is willing to go to any lengths to please Pay Attention to us. Can i do a cannon ball, look we should this coming. The signs were everywhere and i mean i hope im pronouncing that correctly. North koreas news leader which last month broadcast this official state video foreshadowing the coming hellfire. [instrumental music of we are the word playing the world playing] stephen folks, that is not only a dark depiction of an attack on the United States but its also the worlds most disturbing karaoke video. [laughter] for those of you who may not have picked up on the sult nuances it depicts a man dreaming of a north korean rocket nuking new york city all set to we are the world. Its almost as terrifying as the 2010 remake of we are the world. I mean who invited vince vaughn . [cheers and applause] folks this video proves that were not only in an arms race, were in a dreams race. [ laughter ] so once again it falls on me to retaliate against north korea. All right, lets do this thing. Hold on. Hold on. [cheers and applause] [laughter] okay. Now im not sure if im actually going to be able to fall asleep. [ laughter ] ] ] instrumental version of we are the world playing] [sirens and video game noise] [cheers and applause] stephen yeah were all going to get laid is snierks [cheers and applause] stephen oh, ah. [cheers and applause] consider that dream a warning shot kim jong un. I challenge you to come into my sub conscious and fight me like a man who then turns into my first grade teacher but not my first grade teacher really and im naked and i cant run because my legs wont move fast. Know wu know wexex stephen , everybody. Thank you so much. Folks, you know, the sequester continues but paul ryan and the president met today for lunch to hammer out a possible deficit deal before the looming continued budget resolution vote on march 27. [laughter] shut up. [laughter] shut up you stupid boring news. [ laughter ] look, im not going to lie to you, folks. Old steve with a c is tired. Its my last show before a twoweek break. Im barely holding it together. Cards on the table i could give two bleep about the noise right now. About the news right now. No, thats not right. Thats way too much 1. 5 bleep tops. You know what i want to talk about . Do you want to know what i want to talk about . I want to talk about the bachelor. [cheers and applause] i love that show. I love that show. I mean i just every time i watch it its just daddy time, you know . I pour myself a glass of chardonnay and i am off to a land of romance. [ laughter ] and, look, dont be a hater because in 16 seasons [laughter] 16 seasons one guy has gotten married to the runner up after he initially proposed to a different girl. So the system works. [ laughter ] mmmmm, oh. And how great is sean . Jimmy, jimmy, how great is sean . Yes. [cheers and applause] all right. What girl wouldnt want to be with an eligible hunk who has a successful career as a contestant from last seasons bachelorette. What with him being a born again virgin . How does that even work . Im sorry but once youve done it, youve done i. You cant repop the cap on a snapple. I learned that on a snapple cap. I guess i dont know i guess. Am i right . I guess you vow the next time you do it youll be terrible and awkward like flailing and panicked like a deer trapped in a minivan. Get me you of out of here i have to admire his moral commitment to stay chaste and merely tongue down 20 women in one night like god intended. I cannot wait for mondays finale. The last rose ceremony was most dramatic yet. My favorite part was the full minute of emotionally charged staring. [laughter] [laughter] [laughter] [laughter] [laughter] stephen after seeing this are you telling me i can rake in 9 Million Viewers just by staring at a couple of people for a whole minute . Then i know how im choosing tonights guest. Please welcome our finalist nyu president and author of birdhouse within dougie st. James. Gentleman. Thank you for being here. One of you one of you will be my guest tonight. [ laughter ] the other the other will be going home. [ laughter ] this this is so hard. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause][laughter] [laughter] stephen john sexton will you be my guest . Oh, yes stephen . What about all that stuff you said to me in the fantasy suite . I deserve happiness, too [cheers and applause] stephen please welcome nyu president john sexton. [cheers and applause] boom boom mr. Sexton thank you for coming back. Can i call you john . John is it. Stephen john, thank you for coming back. Good to see you again. You are the president of nyu and also a teacher there and your new book baseball as a road to god is based on a course you taught there what do you mean baseball as a road to god . Jesus said that no one gets to the father but through me. Are you saying that jesus is baseball . Because theres no jesus in baseball theres some heysus but theres no jesus in baseball. [ laughter ] the point of book is, stephen, to go directly at the proposition you put on the table. Im a catholic. Stephen im the catholic. [laughter] the point here is that those of us that were taught as we were that we had the truth, with a capital t. Stephen which we do. Should be a little bit more humble about that. Stephen i am. [ laughter ] and open ourselves up to the fact that baseball is a road to god just as our religion is a road to god just as buddhism is a road to god and the more important thing is that we all get used to finding god in this world. Stephen how is baseball anything like god does not take nine innings. But god, like baseball, is timeless. Stephen baseball feels timeless. [laughter] see now, the key that im trying to get at in this book is the fact that what we as human beings should be doing is searching for meaning. Frequently meaning is that which we can learn and put in a mind, especially a wonderful mind like yours. [laughter] but frequently the real meaning of life cant be put in cognitive terms. Theres a word i use in my course and in the book it cant be reduced to words. We experience it. The way we know were in love, for example. The way we know life as meaning. Stephen i like that inhe havable thing because i can Say Something is true and go, i cant schain it, im right though i cant explain it. Im right though. [cheers and applause] and many [cheers and applause] stephen im ineff able about everything. I know. You have put your finger on the heart of the matter because there is the known. So we know now the world is not flat. Theres the knowable that we dont yet know but well know because of the advancement of knowledge and science over the centuries. But then theres is the unknowable. And what i try to get at in this book is that we appreciate that which cant be put into cognitive terms, like love, which we know through experience and interpersonal relationships. And we dont confuse as we sometimes are tempted to do the unknowable from that which we simply do not know yet. Stephen one of the things that i dont know is what you just said. Im sure thats me. Im sure theres people who go to nyu who understood when you just sesmed i want to talk about love. We cant know love but if baseball is a road to god and god is love, baseball has been proven to be a road to love because you want to, you know, if you are with a girl you want to get on first base. And then second base and then third place. And if you make it all the way home, suddenly you want to start thinking about baseball so its a perfect circle. Its a perfect circle. [cheers and applause]