There are so many things to be afraid of. Nation, ive warned you the gays are hellbent on rubbing our noses in their lifestyle. The noserubbing, of course, very big in the gay eskimo community. Well, look out, because the gays just infiltrated another beloved institution. The Us Postal Service unveiled its artwork for a commemorative stamp honoring harvey milk, the first openly gay elected officials on a stamp. Stephen a gay man on a stamp . Anger and they used such an unflattering picture. Jimmy, can you fix that . Thats much better. Thats a good looking guy cheers and applause folks, appearing on a u. S. Postage stamp is a prestigious honor traditionally reserved for our greatest president s and regional songbirds. And they didnt pick just any gay politician, like rutherford b. Hayes. Oh, methinks he doth beard too much. No, they went with san franciscos harvey milk. Suddenly, if i want to mail something, i have to lick this guys backside . No no worse, if its selfadhesive, now im licking his front . cuz make no mistake, if its mail, im lickin something ill say it again anger oh, hi i was just about to make myself one of my world famous britos. I start with a handpressed flour torilla, and then i fill it with a microwave burrito. This tortilla was made by Mission Foods whose Tortilla Factory is located in the 76th installment of my 434part series. Better know a district tonight californias 29th, the fightin 29th the 29th is nestled in californias San Fernando Valley and also contains parts of los angeles. The districts median age is 32. 6, but it tells casting directors that it just turned 26. 3. The region was originally home to a native american tribe known as the tataviam, or people facing the sun. Which is why they were always so easy to beat at tennis. In the late 18th century, spanish explorers were drawn to the region by the promise of sunshine, warm weather, and easy access to the 405 freeway. Some of them are still stuck in traffic. In the 1840s, the region expierenced a brief gold rush, leading the first san fernando. Valley prospectors to say valley girl accent. uh ma god, look at this gold, its, like, totally golden. Gold the 29th is home to the Clothing Brand juicy couture, who are known both for their velour tracksuits and their charity work. Teaching teenaged boys to read. The district is home to 46 porn studios, including pink visual, famous for such titles as bubble butts galore and asian slut invasion, volume 3. I know, another sequel. When is hollywood going to come up with an original slut invasion idea . So who has the tortillas grandes to represent the 29th . Why, its none other than democratic representative tony cardenas, whose porn name, by the way, is london rubbintug. I sat down with mr. Cardenas in his congress. Jim . Congressman, thanks so much for talking to me today. Thanks for having me. Fell me about the fightin 29th. Great place, hard working folks, big manufacturing community. Been living there all my life and a representative for 18 years now. There is a lot of porn movies made in your district. What neighborhood specifically should i not buy a couch from . Wouldnt be a good idea in any neighborhood. Youre mexicanamerican, correct . Yeah. Stephen you sponsored a resolution recognizing hispanic heritage month. Yes. Stephen why a whole month . Because theres a lot to talk about. Stephen you have Cinco De Mayo and every tuesday. Thats a different thing. Stephen i dont get it. White Irish Catholic month . We applied for february and they gave it to the black guys. One day. We get one day and you get a whole month. Maybe theyre not happy with what you said. Stephen like i respectfully disagree with you . Yes. Stephen i understand youre the youngest of 11 children. I am. Stephen can you say your brothers and sisters fast and see who can say them faster . Ready, one, two, three, go naming siblings at the same time laughter stephen heres the thing. You tier youngest of 11, im the youngest of 11. But the 11 kids in my family are old timey irish, whereas the 11 children in your family and i do not mean this in any way but the best way possible are kind of scary going to take over the countryish. Do you know what i mean . Not evennish. Stephen can you meet me halfway and tell me why youre scared . No. Stephen meet me halfway and say it. No. Stephen you dont want people to use the word illegals. Do you want them to be called usurpers, not legals if you say they are illegal, you mean they are illegal them. You could also not have a drivers license and still be legal. Do you understand . Yeah. If you dont have a drivers license and youre legal youre still illegal. Its more accurate that way. But illegal gives, in my opinion, the wrong connotation. Stephen what connotation do you think . They that theyre illegal. Stephen doing things wrong . Theyre in the United States illegally. Thats illegal. Illegal pronouncing in accent was it legal for them to come here . No. Stephen so they are ill finish the sentence illegal. Theyre undocumented . They lived in a place where maybe they were starving or couldnt take care of their family. Stephen okay, lets move on. Youre going to kick chicken from china out of School Childrens lunches. We dont need your kind here youre taking job away from american chickens do you see how hypocritical you are . No, i think its consistent. Stephen how do you identify a chicken as being chinese . They all loo look alike. They label them and tell us where they got them from. Stephen so youre for putting labels on people based on where theyre from . On food, yes. Stephen first were feeding the poor kids, now it has to be uncontaminated food. Where does the entitle meant bag end . Its important wherever food people eat they know where it came from and its safe. Stephen when did the safety net become hammocked, congressman . Lets go back to something you were talking about before. What do they make of 29t 29th other than highquality porn . doorbell laughter stephen delivery . Congressman . Did you order mexican . No. Stephen well, then, i guess ill just let him give it to me. Wow. Thats a big brito. Burrito. laughter stephen thank you so much, nice to talk to you today. Thank you. laughter stephen okay, lets put californias 29th up on the big board cheers and applause ooh, looks like filming has started on Asian Invasion four. Well be right back. So you can get cash back on all your purchases. So you can use your cash back. To follow your dream. So you. Can save the day. Chase freedom. So you can. Brewed for more this ispirited nights. Tune. Its undistilled, yet it has a smooth clean finish. You might choose a regular beer, but then you might get a regular night. Miller fortune. Your fortune awaits. Gigantic, gigantic, gigantic a big, big love gigantic, gigantic, gigantic a big, big love pizza hut already makes great pizzas. But now theyre delivering awardwinning wingstreet wings. Time to put them to the test, with some real wing experts rec League Softball teams what you think . These are delicious thats good its got spicy and flavor to em. Imma get one more. Get 8 boneout wings for 5 bucks. Wingstreet from pizza hut stephen welcome back thanks so much folks folks, i want take a moment to wish you all a happy earth day of course, as every year, this morning i headed out to get my traditional earth day tree. Just walked into the park and cut down the first one i saw. But dont worry treehuggers. When earth day is over, ill release it back into the wild. I feel especially close to mother earth on this earth day, because we finally have proof our planet doesnt like liberals any more than i do. The greenies are not going to like today. A federal study is out, and it shows costly biofuel made from corn is actually worse for the environment in the short term than straightup gasoline. Looks like ethanol may not be as green as everyone thought. Ethanol made from corn residue may actually be more harmful to the environment. Ha ha harmful to the environment. Trying is pointless you see, according to the first environmental study, that ive enjoyed reading, making ethanol by removing corn leftovers from the fields could actually hurt the ability of soil to absorb carbon dioxide. And absorbing co2 is crucial to our planets health, because theres a ton of it in the air for some reason. This study is the final nail in green energys biodegradable coffin. Turns out, everything you thought was good for the environment is bad. We already know wind power separates migrating geese into bird pepperoni. So its only a matter of time before we learn that solar power relies on clubbing baby seals, because those shiny panels are made from the gleam in their eyes. Its time to forget about green energy and double down on black energy. This is the earth day when we take our planet back from the environmentalists. Forget planting trees or picking up litter. We should all celebrate like fox news host eric bolling. Jim . Its an annual event. In my household, we open all the windows and turn up the heat or the air conditioning, whichever is the opposite of whatever the temperature is outside and i. Spark up the 90,000 btu barbecue and cook some steaks. Way to stick it to the greenies, eric man, id hate to be the dumbass who has to pay this guys utility bills. Well be right back. We got a random red couch, dont ask me why. People eatin favorites with a girl or a guy. We got a random red couch, pull up a seat. You dont want to be the one with nothing to eat. We got a random red couch, flabbergast your friends. With a mcdonalds bag that never ends. Mcchicken, mcdouble, beef and cheese galore. Now thats the flavor of dollar menu and more, on a random red couch. What does that do . Not sure, but it looks awesome. We heat the room to 110 degrees. Huh . Shes fine. On your right what did you get . No clue, but its jacked with protein. Wow in a world filled with fads, its nice to get back to basics. Seriously dude . Meat, cheese and nuts . Seriously. New p3 portable protein pack. Its 13 grams of serious protein, without taking itself too seriously. Its the original protein. Its oscar mayer. Aflac, aflac, aflac [ both sigh ] ugh you told me he was good, dude. Yeah he stinks at golf. But he was great at getting my claim paid fast. How fast . Mine got paid in 4 days. Wow. Thats awesome. Is that legal . Big fat no. [ male announcer ] find out how fast aflac can pay you at aflac. Com. Ive been hearing good things about sprints new network. Oh, its unbelievable. Fewer dropped calls, better call quality. Its fast, right . Sprint a un tout nouveau reseau lte avec un spectre tribande. You can also text. Yes. You can also text. Its tres good. Okay. I, i dont know where to go with that. [ male announcer ] join americas newest network, now with faster speeds, fewer dropped calls and better call quality. And for a limited time, get a switching bonus worth up to 650. Happy connecting, from sprint. Stephen welcome back, everybody my guest is Pulitzer Prize winning columnist george will cheers and applause george good to see you again thanks so much for coming back nice to have you on the show. Of course, there are a few people out there who do not know youre a Pulitzer Prize winning columnist, published over 500 newspapers worldwide. Youre a Fox News Contributor now. How do you like it . Love it. Stephen you worked abc for years, now fox news. Whats the difference . Fox news is like getting on a Southwest Airlines plane. Everybodys happy, at the top of the heap and feel like insurgents. Stephen wow. Thats great. Sounds almost dangerous laughter you have a new book called a nice little place on the north side, Wrigley Field at 100. Why write a book about Wrigley Field . Youre a cubs fan. Yes. Stephen do you love the cubs or is it sort of an abusive relationship wher you cant get yourself out of right now . Im afraid if i stop, theyll start winning. Stephen oh, like the cubs are a slot machine that youve warmed up. Exactly. Stephen for 106 years. Theyve got to pay off eventually. Turns out they dont. They dont have to. Stephen for the people out there who have not been at Wrigley Field, i used to live on addison at broadway and its beautiful. What do you love about Wrigley Field . The sheer age of it. When it opened 100 years ago on april 23rd, 1914, we know that there had to be Civil War Veterans in the sand. People at gettysburg, shiloh, chancellorsville stephen why do we know they had to be there . It was a requirement. Stephen for opening game . Right. Stephen like bat day or quarter of beer, its take a Civil War Veteran home day . Exactly right. Stephen so the age of it is great. I love things that are old. Im conservative, youre conservative. I dont think anything should ever change. Do you think that Wrigley Field that makes you a liberal. Stephen that nothing should change . Yes. Stephen i didnt realize that. Conservatives want to conserve things. I know youre a word smith but why do want liberals things to stay the same . In 1935, Social Security do you drive a 1935 car . Stephen no, i drive a tesla. Im sure you do. Stephen yeah, i do. Do you watch a 1935 Television Set . Stephen no, a 1935 Television Set, i think was a potato field. The Social Security liberals believe things should have gone just as it always has. Stephen so we should get rid of Social Security . No. Stephen i should. Am i more of a conservative than you are . Yes. Stephen okay. I was trying to lead you into a field where old people would shoot you in the head. What is it when was the last time you went to a game there . Two weeks ago. Stephen did they win . Not exactly. Stephen really . How close to winning did they come . They scored. Stephen they scored . Oh, thats really good. I love it there. 18 innings in Yankee Stadium a week ago and didnt score. Stephen do you think Wrigley Field, its such a lovely place to be. You have the handlettered scoreboard, the ivycolored walls, youve got clark street do you think if it wasnt so nice that the cubs would win more . It is the case that p. K. Wrigley, the son of the wrigley after whom the ballpark is named, decided when he inherited the team, the team is terrible, the ballpark is beautiful, lets get people come to see the ballpark. The grass will be so green and the ivy so lush and the sunshine so warm and the beer so cold people wont care what the scoreboard says. And for a while they did that. Stephen and people care now . They care now. Stephen are people not going to games at Wrigley Field anymore . Oh, theyre going. Stephen what is the problem, george . The problem stephen what is the problem . Sounds like its a nice place to go and spend an afternoon because its always been about going and getting drunk and occasionally a baseball game happens there. Its been since 1908 since they won the world series. You dont go there to watch baseball. You go there to meet friends. 1908 is two years before tolstoy died. Stephen was tolstoy a white sox fan . I dont understand laughter you can meet very interesting people at Wrigley Field. They had a vendor there who tried to cheat the fans. His name was jack rubinstein. Moved to dallas, changed his name to jack ruby and shot lee harvey oswald. Stephen wait a second if the cubs had been a better team and given more business to jack rubinstein, wed know who shot kennedy . We snow who shot kennedy. Stephen wake up come on, george you buy that single bullet theory . I do. Stephen we just got from Wrigley Field to the kennedy assassination. Atthats a the colbert report promise. The cubs won the cold war. Stephen if you can prove the cubs won the cold war, ill personally endorse this book. Right now. It could happen. In 1919 William Wrigley bought catalina off southern california. The cubs began to train there. In 37 a des moines, iowa broadcaster known as dutch reagan decided he would cover spring training for his radio station. Took a movie test with warner brothers, became an actor, became president of the United States and won the cold war. Therefore, the cubs get credit for winning the cold war. cheering stephen by that same logic, did not the chicago cubs also sell arms to iran . laughter george will, i personally endorse a nice little place on the north side, thats the avo wherever your journey takes you the expedia app helps you save with mobileexclusive deals download the expedia app text expedia to 75309 expedia, find yours its a place youve been before, but its not on any map. So go out there, lose yourself, and find the truth. Were all born wild. Lets keep it that way. The 2014 4runner. Toyota. Lets go places. The 2014 4runner. So you can get cash back on all your purchases. So you can use your cash back. To follow your dream. So you. Can save the day. Chase freedom. So you can. The original 96 calorie pilsner and that changed everything this led to people counting calories which led to counting carbs which led to counting crunches which led to 8 minute abs which led to 7 minute abs which led to ab masters thigh masters and butt masters which led to the realization that the best place to get a 6 pack is the liquor store miller lite we invented lite beer and the perfect six pack youre welcome pizza hut already makes great pizzas. But now theyre delivering awardwinning wingstreet wings. Me to put them to the test, with some real wing experts pub trivia teams. Delicious. These are great fantastic. Really good. You gonna give my man one or are ya gonna box him out here . Get 8 boneout wings r 5 bucks. Wingstreet from pizza hut stephen thats the report, everybod captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org from Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. 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