Stephen Stephen StephenStephen Stephen welcome to the report. Thank you for joining us, citizens. Sit down please ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, thank you. Thank you, members of the nation, citizens assembled dignitaries. Smoke em if youve got them. Metaphorically, of course. New york state law does not allow to you smoke indoors, and were going to need all of our fighting age men and Women Healthy and strapping because at exactly ooooh. I forgot to wind my watch last night whatever time it is, the United States of america has heard the call of battle once again. This great nation is at war. Sorry for the question mark. I just had to slap that on because i couldnt quite tell from obamas speech last night exactly laughter you know, uh, this, what what are we doing again . My fellow americans, following consultations with allies abroad and congress at home, i can announce that america will lead a Broad Coalition to roll back this terrorist threat. Our objective is clear we will degrade and ultimately destroy isil through a comprehensive and sustained counterterrorism strategy. Stephen got it. This great nation is. At. Comprehensive and sustained counterterrorism strategy. cheers and applause . The point is the point is, ladies and gentlemen, were going back to it iraq so we can finally complete the tril gee. And then throw the federal budget into mount doom. Ladies and gentlemen, what while i unquestionably support our commander in chief, i do have some questions. laughter sir, were fighting isis. Why cant you get their name right . The terrorist group known as isil. Isil. Isil. Isil. Stephen now, i agree theyre acting like a bunch of isils. cheers and applause . But, sir, technically, technically, its isis. If you just slam an l on the end of words willynilly whenever you want, youre going to make mistakes. Youll think youre bombing syria, and instid end up bombing cereal, which which i support, by the way. Sunny cuckoo is a mad man who must be brought to justice. cheers and applause . And its not and its not just their name he got wrong. He doesnt even know what the name stands for. Isil is not islamic. No religion condones the killing of innocents. Why wont he call isis what they really are islamic extremists. He said the Islamic State in the levant is not islamic. Hello . How how do you parse that anlative or noun or verb. If an islamist is not an islamist, does the bird tweet in the tree . laughter stephen its a simple question, sir does or does not the bird tweet in the tree . If something calls itself something, it is that thing, just like all english muffins are based in england. And canadian bacon is made from canadians. But, folks, i its not just islamic he wouldnt woo say. Britt hume noticed there are other words that did not appear in the speech. It seems that one would do whatever it takes to eliminate the threat. He didnt quite go that far. He said wed do what it takes. He didnt say wed do whatever it takes. Stephen he didnt say the word whatever. At least he could have today were going to kill isis or whatevs. Words matter, sir. Words matter. Or, whatever, whatever, mr. President. Then, my friend britt here perfectly summed up what felt so wrong about the president s tone. There is a certain un what i might call a certain uncertainty in all of this in the sound of the trumpet he is blowing. When you blow an uncertain trumpet and commit to doing less than you could and and and stephen hamana hamana hamana hamana. Yes, obama is ploag an uncertain trumpet. Well said, britt, spoken by a man who knows how to blow a rusty trombone. But traps cheers and applause oh, yes. And you would not believe the feel when he blows it. laughter but perhaps, perhaps the president s fiercest critic was john mccain, who was everywhere last night. He was a guest on cnn. He was a guest on msnbc. He was a guest on fox news. He was a secret ingredient on chopped. I thought it was so inventive to pan fry him with a corn flake crust. laughter and mccains message was as clear as it was selfcongratulatory. The president of the United States is now forced to listen to what, frankly, Lindsey Graham and i have been arguing for. Our withdrawal from all of our troops from iraq, was a major contributor to the situation that were in today. If we had left a residual force, the situation would not be what it is today. We had it won, thanks to the surge. It was won. Stephen yes, it was won. All we had to do was keep a residual force in iraq for lets say, ever. laughter then, today, we wouldnt have any terrorism there except for the terrorism we had when we were there. laughter problem samed. And john mccain was not the only one that barack obama forgot to thank last night. The wall street journal journaled the real message of obamas speech should have been dick cheney was right all along. Seeing those words in print must melt whatever is in place of his heart. Im going to say an egg timer duct taped to a sick bed. And, folks, and, folks, i gotta say cheers and applause huge, huge cheney fans here tonight. laughter and if dick cheney got it right, so did his little buddyinchief, who got it right before the surge in 2007. President bush issued this frighteningly accurate, as it turns out, assessment of what would happen. We begin withdrawing before our commanders tell us we are ready would be dangerous for iraq, for the region, and for the United States. It would mean surrendering the future of al of iraq to al qaeda. It would mean that wed be risking mass killings on a horrific scale. It would mean increasing the probability that american troops would have to return at some lateridate dateto confront an enemy that is even more dangerous. How eerie. Stephen yes. How eerie. Its like hes some kind of prophet. Whats that guys name. Nostradumbass. Yeah, yeah. Thats it. cheers and applause . He saw is coming. Because it really eye gotta say, listening to that, it really seems as if bub could see the future in 2007. If only he could have seen it in 2003. Oh, my god oh, my god, folks if his predictions were right about this, that means his predictions were right about everything. I ask you to pass legislation to prohibit the most egregious abuses of medical research, creating humananimal hybrids. laughter . Stephen folks, folks, do you know what this means . I am now predicting that after this war, the new Prime Minister of iraq will be a prime minittor. Well be right back. This is the kind of chicken your mom would make if she hand breaded chicken that was delivered right to her door. And if she had a Pressure Cooker in her kitchen. Yep this is the kind of chicken she would make, but she doesnt have to youre welcome, mom. cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. Thank you so much. Folks,un, i know the world is a complicated place, and im note scientist but i have never bought into all the alarmism about Climate Change. Why fear change . Maybe earth is just going through puberty. Our glaciers are dropping. Jungles cropping up in strange places and she sometimes we wake up and find our streets all wet. Its natural. But it turns out and i didnt know this humans arent the only creatures on the planet. Climate change will affect north american birds. The National Audobon society said half of our continents 650 species will be forced to find new places to live, feed, and breed over the next 65 years. Stephen these are the scare tactics from the loonloving loons from the audobon society. Name one bird that will thrive. You want to know what Climate Change sounds like . Its the soundave Mourning Dove. Yes. The haunting call of the Mourning Dove reminds us of all weve lost. Let me guess. The other surviving species will be the northern guilttrip sparrow. And the i told you songbird. I told you so. I told you so. Stephen but sadly, official state birds like louisiana brown pelican, vermonts hermit thrush, and new hampshires purple finch will be pushed out of their states completely. Suddenly the hundreds of hours i spent memorizing state trivia seems like a total waste of time. By the way a total waste of time . The official state motto of delaware. Still got it. applause and worse, and worse the study says that the state bird of america, the bald eagle, might have its habitat decreased 75 by 2080. How can that be . I thought its native territory was discount patriotic tshirts. And based on the size what ive seen at walmart, that territory is expanding. Folks, the ini have rownuts demand Energy Source sources toe the birds, new sources. But whos going to save the birds from our new Energy Sources . Would the audobon vot prefer wind power. Wind farms i can more than 100,000 birds each year. Its pitting Global Warming environmentalists against the bird lovers and wildfire conservation. Why . Because wind farms are killing more than 1,000 birds a at a. Many are protected or migratory species. Stephen thats right, your beloved wind farms are just highrise cuisinarts. What about your spreshes solar energy gee, a new controversy over solar power. Birds are getting ignited in midflight and falling from the sky. The heating produces up to 900 degrees is charg the feathers of birds flying through, often causing them to crash and die. Stephen heres an idea put the solar panels next to the Wind Turbines and let it rain sparrow mcnuggets. Have a pond full of hone mustard for them to fall into. Will that make you happy . Im sorry, bird lovers at this point it looks like america will have to choose between having birds and lightbulbs. Im sorry, i choose lightbulbs because i need them to read my audobon guide. The birds are so pretty. Put i will say one thing as our planet warms, america will need a new national bird. So i nominat hereby nominate t. 3,000 b. T. U. Air conditioner. Behold her glorious plumage and three fan speeds. And lo doth she soar when not properly secured with the included window mounting kit. Well be right back. cheers and applause everybody sing everybody dance lose yourself in wild romance were going to party karamu fiesta forever bud light lime ritas tmobiles network has more data capacity than verizon or at t. Its a network designed differently. A Network Designed Data strong. cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight is author of the the star spangled banner the making of an american icon. Its a book about a song. A flag. I cant wait for the movie. Please welcome lonn taylor cheers and applause dont get up. Thank you. Good to see you. Thanks for coming on. Its a pleasure to be here. Stephen all right, sir, you are a former historian at the Smithsonian National museum of natural history, and you worked on the star spangle banner restoration project. Thats right correct. Stephen lets show the folks what the actual star spangled banner is. Jim, throw that up there. What is is the history of this flag . This flag is now at the museum of natural history. It came there in 1907. Before that it was kept for nearly 100 years in an attic in baltimore. After the battle of fort mchenry, the commander of the fort, major george armstead, essentially took it home as a personal souvenir. Stephen wow. Even though it was a very expensive piece of government property. It cost 400 bucks. Stephen the battle of fort mchenry which was 200 years ago. . Tomorrow. Stephen that is the battle Francis Scott key is describing in the star spangled banner. Exactly. Francis scott key was out in the middle of the river on a ship, and he watched the british fleet bombard fort mchenry for 27 hours. Stephen and this was the flag over fort mchenry. This was the flag raised at the end of the battle. Stephen to celebrate and commemorate the 200th anniversary of that battle and tomorrow his writing of the National Anthem, you have a new book called the star spangled banner the making of an american icon. Thats right. Stephen this is really about the song, isnt it . This is about the flag, the song, the battle, the whole nine yards. Stephen okay the diet book. Exactly. laughter . Stephen was the star spangled banner, the song itself, was that embraced by people right away . It was not immediately popular. It it grew slowly in popularity. Stephen what was our National Anthem before the star spangled banner. We had rather patriotic songs. Yankee doodle, hail columbia. They played Yankee Doodle at the end of the battle when they raised the flag. Stephen really. They played Yankee Doodle went to town . Yeah. Stephen thats like ending a battle and going badadadum. It became popular as a patriotic song during the civil war because it was about the flag. The flag was a symbol of loyalty during the civil war. Stephen so how did key come up with this . I mean, he literally just wrote it during the battle . Key was an amateur poet. He had written a lot of poetry before the battle. So hes out on this ship watching the fort being bombarded stephen why wasnt he fighting . Why was he writing poetry instead of fighting . He was a lawyer stephen he was a lawyer, okay. He was a very prominent lawyer. And he had gone out to the british fleet to try to spring an american prisoner, a dr. Beans who had been arrested by the british and takenute taken out on board the british flags ship i. Stephen so dr. Beans was out on the british ship. He was. Stephen and did they get him back . They did. Stephen they would have said no beans. How did key manage to write the star spangled banner when you know he had his hand over his heart. Do you know when he put our hand over our heart . We used to pledge allegiance to the flag going like this. Stephen wow. Why on earth did that stop . It was the like a rolling salute, you know. The hand over the heart, when the song was sung, really began during word war one. Stephen do you have a favorite version . Because there have been a lot of controversial versions of the star spangled banner. Rosanne bar, jimi hendrix of woodstock played it. Yup, yup. Stephen do you have a version you particularly love . You know, theres no official version. Any way they play it and sing it is already lrt with me. It can be sung in spanish. Can be sung in polish. Stephen dont you dare you take that back. You take that back, sir. Live where spanish is a second language. Texas. Stephen do you have to sing the official tune or can you change the tune . No, the tune is set by congress. Stephen really . Yeah. Stephen i didnt realize they were so musically gifted. laughter . That was the result of a very intense lobbying effort by a baltimore lady and the congressman from baltimore. They lobbyed for 20 years to get congress to make the star spangled banner our National Anthem. Stephen and what were their names . I knew youd ask. Mrs. Holloway. And congressman charles lunthecom. Stephen well done. Thank you. Stephen you should write a book about this. Im a historian. We know stuff like that. Stephen thank you so much for joining me. Thank you, stephen. Stephen lonn taylor. No, you stay there. You stay there. The book is the star spangled banner. Well be right back. Thank you. cheers and applause yeah vo dont just dream of being the hero. Make it happen. I cant believe were missing the game for this. Were not. Ive got xlte. Vo it doubles our 4g lte bandwidth in cities nationwide, so be that guy with verizon xlte. Now get 1gb of bonus data, and our best pricing ever on the more everything plan. Stephen ladies and gentlemen, please rise fur our National Anthem. As sung by the Chicago Black hawks official National Anthem singer, jim cornelison. Osay can you see by the dawns early light. What so proudly we hailed at the twilights last gleaming. Whose broad stripes and bright stars. Through the perilous fight oer the ramparts we watched. Were so gallantly treming. And the rocket red glare the bombs bursting in air. Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. O say does that star spangled banner yet wave. cheers . Oer the land of the free and the home of the brave cheers and applause stephen jim cornelison, everybody good night thank you, jim. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central its 11 59 and 59 second this happened on sbnation, cirque du soleil, white couples trying to reshake their marriage looking at them moving around he rotically, its also for Major League Baseball fans, apparently