Mean a mythical captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by eagle caw stephen tonight, is america cruel to convicts . Well, vertical stripes would be more slimming. laughter then a popular restaurant spreads christmas cheer. This year mcribs are reindeer meat. laughter and my guests tony bennett and lady gaga are here with a new album of duets. Ooh i wonder who they duet with . laughter a Major League Umpire has revealed that he is gay. Or as he put it im out laughter this is the colbert report. cheers and applause captioning sponsored by Comedy Central eagle caw cheers and applause stephen welcome to the report. Thank you for joining us. What energy what joy audience chanting stephen you hear that . Thats the sound of heros folks, thank you so much for being here cheering you know, ladies and gentlemen, its wonderful to have you here. Folks, longtime viewers of my show know that they are now shorttime viewers because, as of tonight, there are only 11 episodes of the colbert report left. audience awwws all your awwwwing is wasting precious colbert talking time. But thank you. Now, lesser newsmen might stoop to some cheap publicity stunt before they go off the air. We all remember when Walter Cronkite ended his reign at cbs evening news by legwrestling mr. T. laughter i have no time for that kind of shameful lastditch ratings grab. Im too busy planning this coming mondays show, when i will be broadcasting the colbert report from washington, d. C. cheers and applause stephen yeah its my farewell to washington special. Stephen colbert presents mr. Colbert goes to washington, d. C. Partisan is such sweet sorrow colbert victory lap 2014 cheers and applause stephen thank you, ladies and gentlemen nation, this is going to be hugely devastating to what little remains of my budget. With only 11 shows left, the networks not cutin the big checks for my projects. So to ride the train down there for free, im getting myself certified as a service animal. Please do not pet me. Im working. Tune in to see me at George Washington universitys lisner auditorium. Monday. Be a part of the million me march when i finally provide the Washington Monument a pair of balls. laughter nation, a lot of people say that americas best days are behind us. We dont make anything anymore. Our cars are made in japan, our computers are made in china, even our sexiest men are made in australia. But theres still one thing america produces more of than anyone else in the world prisoners. Were number one cheers and applause thank you for your service, spider. America has 2. 3 Million People behind bars. We beat everyone in your face, china though i do want to thank you for producing those cheap plastic handcuffs. Couldnt have done it without you. And when it comes to mass incarceration americastyle, nobody does it like california. Since the mid 70s, its prison population has grown by 750 , driven by the states tough threestrikes law, which mandated 25 years to life for anyone convicted of three felonies even for nonviolent offenses like drug possession or attempting to steal a pair of work gloves from home depot. Sure, it seems petty, but it starts with gloves, next hes picking up a chainsaw, a shed to hide the body, and wall sconces to give the murder scene some accent lighting but a californias model prison system could soon be on death row, and that brings us to tonights word. cheering crook and ladder. Nation, californias prisons are under attack by activist judges. In 2011, the Supreme Court ruled that conditions in californias overcrowded prisons are so bad that they violate the ban on cruel and unusual punishment. Oh, big whoop. All our prisons are overcrowded the phantom zone, arkham, azkaban. laughter heres what happened the Court Ordered california to do something about prison overcrowding, but so far the states response is nowhere to be seen. Of course, they could solve the whole thing if they just stored inmates in those ziploc space bags. So while the State Government wrestled with the problem, last month california voters approved proposition 47, which reduces penalties for offenders who commit nonserious and nonViolent Crimes, potentially releasing 10,000 felons from state prison. Thats right. 10,000 nonviolent felons back on the streets. Governor brown is gonna have to deploy the National Guard to home depots glove aisle. laughter folks, i say we must keep these dangerish criminals behind bars. And not just to punish them. For decades, california has used inmates to fight fires and clear land to stop the spread of wildfires. Physically fit inmates with no history of Violent Crimes can work as firefighters while serving their sentence. The recentlypassed initiative could free such prisoners from jail and deplete the pool of inmates who qualify for fire duty. Stephen that means the next time theres a fire, you could be stuck in your home and there wont be a convicted felon rushing towards you with an axe. laughter california needs these prisoners. So when federal judges ordered their release, the state Attorney Generals Office fought to keep the prisoners working in their fire brigade. And its not just about the lives these prisoners save, its about something much more important the money. Because corrections Officials Say the fire program saves the state more than 100 million a year. Because inmates earn just 2 a day fighting fires. With pay like that, its no wonder smokey the bear cant afford a shirt. The savings are vital because the state has already burned through this years wildfirefighting budget of 209 million. California hasnt seen that kind of cash go up in smoke since the last time someone let m. Night shyamalan make a movie. laughter nation, i salute california prison authorities for not releasing nonviolent prisoners from cruel and unusual conditions. After years of corporations outsourcing american jobs, theyve found a way to bring thirdworld wages back home. Its like having our own private bangladesh these are the best workers almost no money can buy. They cant quit. They never go home. And the only union theyre allowed to join is the aryan brotherhood. And if we legally must reduce overcrowding, we shouldnt do it by releasing these model employees. We should just build new prisons. We can do it cheap, too, because i know some people that work for 2 a day point is, even though these people are jailed in cruel and unusual conditions for nonViolent Crimes like drug possession, california needs to keep them. Not that californias hooked on prison labor. It can stop anytime it wants. And thats the word. Well be right back. cheers and applause its more than the driver. Its more than the car. For lotus f1 team, the Competitive Edge is the cloud. Powered by microsoft dynamics, azure, and office 365, the team can gain Real Time Insights and instantly share information around the globe. When every millisecond counts, staying competitive begins with the cloud. This is the microsoft cloud. Pizza huts new menu has six bold sauces. One sauce. Marinara. Yeah, our marinara is classic, but the other sauces take pizza where its never been before. Theres honey sriracha, why dont you try the buffalo sauce . No ok, how about premium crushed tomato . One sauce yeah actually, theres six. Marinara classic marinara, plus our other five other sauces. Marinara alright fine. Get a pair of pizzas, a new one or an old favorite for six ninety nine each. The flavor of now menu. Get it at pizza hut dot com. cheers and applause stephen hey backum thanwelcome thank you so much nation, its getting colder, and im starting to develop a hankering for spiced, alcoholic, drinkle egg which means christmas is right around the corner. Now, usually, i. D. Be bringing you news from the front in the war on christmas. Say, some blasphemer who confused balthazar for melchior or refused to tickle elmo. Its the lords will did elmo die for nothing . laughter but this year in the war on christmas, christmas is fighting back. This is the blitzkrieg on grinchitude cheers and applause ho, ho, ho singing cheers and applause stephen back at ya, big guy folks, christmas needs a hero once again. And this year, thank god its t. G. I. Fridays. T. G. I. Fries says it will be flying drones around some of its restaurants with a mistletoe attached to the drones. The drones are small enough to cruise overhead, guaranteeing some awkward moments for couples and strangers alike. The restaurant says they hope this will encourage customers to, quote, make their move. A drone encouraging you to kiss. Stephen yes, t. G. I. Fridays is weaponizing christmas cheer with a mistletoe drone that forces you to kiss. Something you might want to keep in mind before you take your dad to lunch. laughter what a fantastic idea. The only thing missing from your boozey night out was four whirling blades steered by a 16yearold busboy. Plus, unlike oldfashioned nonautonomous mistletoe, you cant avoid this one because it brings the forced public intimacy to you it even has an hd kiss cam to broadcast your smooch to the whole restaurant. Which is not only a heck of a lot of naughty fun, but also gives you a chance to ask your waiter. Where the hell is my jack daniels sampler basket . cheers and applause okay . All right . And ill take another diet coke in malibu, please laughter folks. T. G. I. Fridays mistletoe drone is not just a great way to spread christmas cheer, it could be a great new weapon in the war on terror. Because i. S. I. S. May show blatant disregard for basic human decency, but surely even they respect the International Law of mistletoing. Thats why im calling on the chairman of the joint chiefs of staff to harness this technology. I assume he also works at t. G. I. Fridays. Look at all that flair. laughter general dempsey , deploy a fleet of mistletoe drones to iraq immediately. Once the terrorists see that festive sprig hovering overhead, albaghdadi and his top lieutenant will have to kiss each other. laughter and then they will immediately be stoned to death. Merry christmas, everybody well be right back. cheers and applause you can control with gestures. Like now, shes flying a spaceship to mars were flying a plane to detroit. Intel. This is where it all changes. Theyre jamming in the street all night long all night bud light lime cranbrrrrita fiesta forever fini did, thanks. K . beep beep beep confused honey, you wont believe. You were supposed to be out shopping. It went super quick. Happy birthday . with apple pay, using your wells fargo card just got easier. Stephen welcome back, everybody my guests tonight have a new album of duets called cheek to cheek. Ill ask whose cheek got top billing. Please welcome tony bennett and lady gaga. cheers and applause laidy, good to see you. Tony, always good to see you. Thank you. Stephen what a delight and honor and surprise. Tony, i havent seen you since we were both singing in front of 250,000 people in a mall in washington, d. C. We pared it down tonight to the core group. cheers and applause thanks for coming on for the first time to the show. Thanks for having me. Stephen you two are a little bit of an unusual pair. Really . Stephen tony, youre known for leaving your heart in san francisco. Gaga, someone might expect you the find it and turn into a happen. How did this come about . Did you know i could get a heart to do that . Stephen when the cameras are off i know a guy. laughter how did you guys get together . Tell him, tony. What happened with me, we did a benefit for the poor people of manhattan. Remember that . Yes. Stephen poor people in manhattan . laughter too many. Quite a few. Stephen wow. I thought they lived in queens. Sorry. laughter when i saw her perform, i said, i never heard anybody that the public loved more than lady gaga. Thank you, tony. Stephen some people from your age bracket, shall we say, may not be able to see past some of the outrageous choices gaga has made. Did she remind you of somebody you had sung with before . Shes the most consummate performers ive ever met. Stephen did you grow up as a fan of tony bennett . Of course. Im a new york baby. Tonys an Italian American new yorker, so i grew up loving tony so much. My father used to play tony all the time. We would make, you know, meet balls and spaghetti in the kitchen and he would be singing to us. I couldnt be more proud sitting next to you today on the news. cheers and applause thank you, thank you. Stephen the album is called tony bennett and lady gaga cheek to cheek. Again, i have to say, with your reputation, lady gaga, i wasnt sure if these were the two cheeks we were going to see. laughter could have sold maybe even more albums than this. Its songs from the Great American song book. What makes something a Great American song . Other than, say, the National Anthem and God Bless America . Intelligent composing. Stephen intelligent composing. And quality music. Its an actual book. Its a book of songs that were compiled over about two to three decades, and they were specifically chosen because of the impact that they had on music and, you know, we always talk about fred astaire and how he was really the first person to sing all the songs that were introduced to the Great American song book. Tony calls it the fred astaire song. True. All of the composers were handpicked by the most incredible performers on the planet and compiled into this book and we chose the songs that we really loved. No country in the world has ever given the rest of the world the best popular songs. We play in china, russia, israel, we play everywhere in the world and everybody in the world knows these american songs. We just sang in tel aviv together. 27,000 people sing ago song thats at least 70 years old. It was incredible to witness and it was inspiring. I love singing with him. Stephen well, would you guys inspire us right now with a sing . laughter stephen no no, lady gaga cheers and applause i dont know what youre talking about, lady gaga. You havent sun yet. This is the interview before you sang. laughter well be right back with a performance by tony bennett and lady gaga come on cheers and applause i gooh no. One. Fitting the tree through the door, thats feastworthy. So celebrate with the kfc festive feast. A bucket of the worlds best chicken, our famous sides, biscuits and our new pumpkin cake. The kfc festive feast. Who convinced you to follow your dreams with one Cross Country roadtrip . D you give someone the greatest gift for someone who gave you these moments. Is to give those moments back. Dewars. The most awarded blended scotch in history. Ooh no, no hey tommy no, thats mine. No no no no. Tommy do not drink that hey man, thats mine too lip smacks fuel up for battle with dew® and doritos to unlock exclusive call of duty® advanced warfare ingame rewards. Who convinced you to follow your dreams with one Cross Country roadtrip . D you give someone the greatest gift for someone who gave you these moments. Is to give those moments back. Dewars. The most awarded blended scotch in history. Stephen here with a song off their album cheek to cheek, lady gaga and mr. Tony bennett. Heaven, im in heaven and my heart beats so that i can hardly speak and i seem to find the happiness i seek when were out together dancing cheek to cheek heaven, im in heaven and the cares that hung around me through the week seem to vanish like a gamblers lucky streak when were out together dancing cheek to cheek oh, i love to climb a mountain and to reach the highest peak but it doesnt thrill me half as much as dancing cheek to cheek oh, i love to go out fishing in a river or a creek but i dont enjoy it half as much as dancing cheek to cheek dance with me i want my arm about you that charm about you will carry me through, to heaven, im in heaven and my heart beats so that i can hardly speak and i seem to find the happiness i seek when were out together dancing cheek to cheek dance with me i want my arm about you that charm about you will carry me through heaven, im in heaven and my heart beats so that i can hardly speak and i seem to find the happiness i seek when were out together dancing out together dancing out together dancing cheek to cheek badobop, badobap badobop, badobap badobopbaaa babadobop bop cheers and applause stephen tony bennett, lady gaga, cheek to cheek goodnight captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. 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