Transcripts For COM The Daily Show 20160723

How a fictional america is a place where you should be afraid of everything. We had a whole show planned about trump, you know. We had him in, like, a jason mask, and we had all these jokes about that. But then a few hours ago, were, like, bleep it. Yeah. Yeah, to be honest with you, we always talk about trump, all of us. The guy says anything, and its news. He farts from his mouth and we talk about it for hours what do you think that smell means . But the convention is over. He said what he needed. Later on in the show well break down how much bull bleep he spoke, but for now lets talk about something else. Because it was easy to forget this week that while this bleep show was going on, other things were happening in the world. The british appointed their second ever female prime minister. cheers and applause yeah. America maybe bombed 70 civilians in syria, and just a week after peak tension around police shootings, this happened. A behavioral therapist was shot by an officer after he held his hands in the air, lying on the ground. He was in the street trying to retrieve an autistic man who wandered away from the group home. You can see charles kinsy, hands raised in the hair. He told the police not to fire but an officer shot him in the leg anyway. Trevor shot him in the leg anyway . It was, like, the cop almost said, well, im here, so i might as well laughter luckily, the man shot, Charles Kenzie is in good shape and expected to make a full recovery. applause the florida native said when he was shot he thought he was bitten by a mosquito, which sounds ridiculous until you see the mosquitoes in florida. laughter but really . The guy got shot while lying on the ground with his hands in the air. At this point, i no longer know what black people need to do to not get shot. I dont understand. You walk towards a policeman you get shot. Walk away from a policeman, you get shot. You lie down on the ground with your hands in the air, you still get shot. Youre on the ground, lying down. Theres no other way to be less threatening and still be black. At this rate, i wouldnt be surprised to hear Police Officers are shooting black people in their graves. What happened, over . Well, the subject was decomposing in a threatening manner and i had to defend myself. The cop said he had a good reason. Not true. He didnt have a reason. When he hit me, i said, i just got shot and i said, circumstances why did you shoot me . In his words to me, he said, i dont know. audience reacts trevor you know what . Thats actually refreshing. Yeah. No excuses. No shifting the blame. Just i dont know. Cant of reminds kind of reminds me of myself as a kid michigan mom would come in and be, like, why did you draw on the wall . I would be, like, i dont know. Thats exactly how i looked. I would be, like, i dont know. I dont know. I didnt know why i drew on the wall. I was just, like, there is a crayon and theres a wall. You know, if theres walls and crayons, im going to draw. I have nothing against walls, but if theres crayons around and theres walls, someones going to get hurt. And my mom would be, like, yeah, you. laughter but what makes the story even crazier, is the fact that the cop fired three times. Fired three shots. Yeah, because they say shot like it was one bullet. Yes, one bullet hit the person but the cop pulled the trigger three times. By mistake . I understand one bullet. Why did you shoot three times . mocking well, after the first shot was fired, i had to defend myself, so this story is so twisted and it gets twistier. The police Union Representing the officer said that the cop was actually trying to shoot the autistic man but he missed. Trevor oh that explains it we thought you were trying to shoot the here we are judging, because we thought you were trying to shoot an unarmed black man but it turns out you were shooting an autistic person who posed no threat. Oh, now i get it. You know, the more the story plays out the crazier and crazier the report gets. Police say it all started when they got a call about a Man Threatening suicide. Trevor really . So, wait, let me understand this, someone called the police and told them that a person was trying to shoot themselves, and the Police Response was, hey, we need to stop someone from shooting themselves, quick get your guns get your guns laughter how does that work . You know, we can spend all of our time vilifying the police, trying to place blame on either side of every single story, but im going to be honest with you, in america, the job of a Police Officer is way too broad. We expect the police to handle everything. Someone has a broken taillight, the police need to handle it. Someones robbing a bank, the police need to handle that as well. Neighbors playing loud music, call the police. Person with Mental Health issues threatening to harm themselves, the police are called to handle it. Were asking too much of them. Its not right. Its a recipe for disaster. When were flying, we dont call the pilot when we want a drink because we know pilots have a separate job and its to keep us safe in the air, the same way flight attendants have a job and its to stop people from banging in the bathroom. Thats what they have been trained for. Peanuts . Yes. Penis . No. They have been trained for that. applause the reason we dont ask the pilot to do it is we know it could go terribly wrong. The pilot could say, stop them from having sex no okay. Why did you crash the plane . You wouldnt stop them. Its for the purposes of this joke. Leave me alone. laughter one way w we can help minorities is by helping the police. If this carries on, the distrust in the police will rise. The police will feel more threatened by the public who doesnt trust them and the cycle will only get worse, and that, donald j. Trump, is something to really be afraid of. Well be right back. Well be right back. cheers and applause hey there. Well be right back. cheers and applause hi, im looking for a deal on an iphone. I was thinking, something along these lines. Oh, okay. Well, how about this . Heres my answer. Is this you with a dinosaur body . Its just me with happy hands. It just means ill take it. Right now, buy an iphone and get another one free when you add a second line. catchy upbe music cheers and applause trevor welcome back to the daily show last night, donald trump closed the r. N. C. With his vision of an america overcome with crime, murder and maihem. It may seem like were living in the purge but that only applies to florida. Im not going to lie, the way trump talks about this stuff scared me bleep less. Which is good because i have had this thing where i havent been able to. Its weird, when westerners go to a third world country, it goes out. When we come here, it stays. I dont know what happens. Our correspondents have been here all week and they can give us an idea of whats going on. Jordan klepper, everybody cheers and applause jordan klepper, you were at trumps speech. What are your thoughts . Trevor, america is under attack from all sides. Immigrants are pouring over the border with the specific goal to murder our children, our smart children, too, i mean like the good ones. So i dont know about you, but after that trump speech, im buying a bleep load of guns, 50, 60, whatever fits in the windowless van i rented. From now on im arming myself to the teeth and you should too. Trevor thanks, jordan klepper. Ronny chieng standing by cheers and applause ronny, how are you feeling right now . Trevor, im bleep terrified, all right . I heard some people are arming themselves to the teeth to the teeth, trevor thats like the whole body theyre arming head, shoulders, knees and toes. Trevor knees and toes . Knees and toes i have no choice but to protect myself. Ive got to get a gun, too. Trevor rony, youre an immigrant, i dont know if youre allowed to buy a gun. Ill get one on facebook, pokepokeypokeymon go, the bla. I need to be armed. Trevor going to roy wood, jr. Youre on the ground in cleveland. What are you hearing . Unconfirmed reports that immigrants are buying weapons on the black market, trevor in fact, some are reported to have been saying they plan to be armed to the teeth in windowless vans. So the black community is out of options, they have to come together hike the avengers and fight back ive got no choice. Ive got to arm myself and my child. Trevor strong statements. Thanks, roy. Lets go to hasan minhaj, everybody, whos standing by. Hasan, youre on the ground. What can you tell us . Trevor, i am hearing that the black panthers and the avengers have teamed up to come kill us using child soldiers. Now, there is only one thing for me to do. First things first, ive got to get a bunch of guns. Then ive got to go to the mosque with my family and just prays everything turns out okay. Trevor, Trevor Trevor whats happening, jordan . A muslim militia is gathering together en masse. I can only assume to plot an attack of some kind in conjunction with an army of child soldiers hellbent on eating our children. Not to mention our marriage is falling apart. Trevor never said anything about your marriage. You never asked. Its incredible how scary everything is feeling overnight, all trumps fault. Trevor what will you do . Probably vote for trump. Trevor thank you, jordan klepper, and everybody else cheers and applause thank you so much, i feel a lot safer now. Now, a lot of the fear being stoked this week has been helped by the cavalcade of misinformation flying around. To help clear things up, we go to desi lydic with what the actual fact. cheers and applause so much to talk about. Lets get this over with so i can wrap up this Convention Week with a nice, long, relaxing shower cry. First up, lets go back to day one when marine corps veterans mark geist and john tiegen addressed the convention on the g. O. P. s favorite subject, starts with a b and ends with engazi and Hillary Clintons fault. We got a call that the u. S. Counsel lat had been overrun. We immediately got our gear ready to go, got the vehicles ready, and we on three separate occasions, got pulled away by the chief of ace bob and told to stand down. Thats false. Multiple federal committees investigated this and said there was no official standdown order, although there was a make believe guy in a movie who did issue an order like that in the michael bay film about benghazi. Losing initiative. Stand down basically, this is something that makes sense in a movie but not in real life, so i give it one Katherine Heigl bleep ing seth rogen. cheers and applause next up, Florida Attorney general pam bondi. Winning this election means reclaiming something to which ive dedicated my entire career, the rule of law. Laws that apply equally to everyone. Thats right. Under bondi, the laws apply equally to everyone, except in 2013 when pam bondi was thinking about joining a new york state probe into whether Trump University was ripping people off, but then she decided to back off after getting a 25,000 donation from the trump foundation. Its not exactly illegal, but it does look pretty shady. So ethically speaking, i have to give that statement ow thank you. laughter oh, i give that nothing. Were all good here. applause now, before i move on, i just want to go to ivanka for a quick second. Our father and next president donald j. Trump. audience reacts yeah. Yeah, thats not a fact. Its just super creepy. Now, lets get to the golding gn calf and his promise to the gay community. As your president , i will do everything in my power to protect our lgbtq citizens from the violence and oppression of a hateful foreign ideology is it just me or does he say lgbtq like hes reading off an eye chart at Overland College . cheers and applause listen, i hope trumps statement is true, but even if he protects the Lgbt Community from hateful foreign ideology, he doesnt mention anything about hateful domestic ideology, specifically applause specifically his political husband mike pence. applause now, because Vice President qtip isnt exactly the queer communitys besty. Mike pence is against gay marriage, gays in the military and gays in your pizzeria if you dont want them there. Hes also said you can ungay people through therapy. So this statement is false. Donald trump is giving you something that looks refreshing, but its missing the most important part, like a virgin margarita. Disgusting. Its like a coke without the rum. applause okay. We have time to check one more fact, and its a doozie. At our convention, there will be no lies. laughter applause cheers back to you, Trevor Trevor desi lydic, everybody well be right back and theyre off should we tell them there are more . Theyll figure it out, eventually. Selena Gomezs kill em with kindness playing play it again. Selena Gomezs kill em with kindness playing play it again. Selena Gomezs kill em with kindness playing play it again. Selena Gomezs kill em with kindness restarts play it again. announcer vo no matter how you use your data, verizons got your back, now 30 more data. No surprise overages. And keep the data you dont use. Switch to verizon now and get up to 650 to cover your costs. Only on americas best network. Fthen theyre sweet. Sour patch kids. Sour. Sweet. Gone. Its gum hey, can we get some beers . Beer ice cold beer what beer . Ummmm. Redds apple ale ill take one too. Me too hey redds apple ale redds apple ale. Crisp like an apple. Brewed like a beer. Jack knocked over a candlestick, onto the shag carpeting. And his pants ignited into flames, causing him to stop, drop and roll. Luckily jack recently had geico help him with renters insurance. Because all his belongings went up in flames. Jack got full replacement and now has new pants he ordered from banana republic. Visit geico. Com and see how affordable renters insurance can be. What headache . In . What arthritis pain . Advil makes pain a distant memory nothing works faster stronger or longer what pain . Advil. cheers and applause trevor welcome back to the daily show. Now, this is sadly our final night in cleveland. audience reacts i know, it will be sad for us to say goodbye, but for one of our correspondents, he may be saying goodbye than more just cleveland. Hasan minhaj reports. It was time to say goodbye to cleveland and, as a muslim staring down the barrel of a trump presidency, its time for me to say goodbye to america. Donald j. Trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown of muslims entering the United States. What i want is i dont want them to come here. Donald trump telling nbc news he would certainly implement a database system to track muslims in the u. S. Bans, registries . Doesnt take a genius to see hes going to kick my brown ass out of here. So i decided to say goodbye to my home the United States and all the places i would never get to visit. Whats the best thing about wisconsin. The packers. In georgia, white water rafting. Oklahoma. The sooners. Maui, meaning its the best. I would love to go. Youre welcome to come. I would love to come see a game. Come. I cant. Why . Im a muslim and if donald trump is elected, hes probably going to throw me out. Oh, i dont think so. Well, he has already asked for a complete and total showdown of plumedzs entering the country muslims entering the company and asked american muslims to sign up for a registry. Well, you kind of have to understand a little bit of where hes coming from. Where hes coming from . Like this . You told cnn, islam hates us. Did you mean all 1. 6 billion muslims . I mean a lot of them. I mean a lot of them. But for some reason, republicans dont seem too worried. H hes a guy that shoots off the hip and says things politically incorrect kind of guy. And sometimes the racist stuff comes off the hip. Off the hip. Bang bang. Donald trump isnt going to kick the muslims out of the United States. Do you think hes going to be nice tore muslims . I dont know what donald trump is going to do, never know what donald trump is going to do, right . Thats what im scared about. I cant speak for donald trump, but hes going to do the right thing. He says what hes going to do and hell do what he says. Wait. So is he or isnt he going to do all this bleep because the stakes are pretty frickin high for me. Im beginning to think these republicans just hate muslims. No no, i dont hate anybody except. laughter i really dont hate anybody. So you would say you love muslims. I do. Are you a muslim . Yes. I love you. , too. laughter give me a hug. Im not going to live here much longer. Well, we love you, dont worry about it, youre safe. Can you say goodbye to the 3. 3 million muslims who live in america. We love you the 3. 3 muslims who live in the america and the billionplus in the world. Wow. Why are you voting for this man . I love him. I think hes a great candidate for president , support his policies. I didnt understand, republicans were showing me so much love, even their accidental racism was kind of adorable. Im just glad youre a good one. And im glad youre one of the good ones. laughter so if they love us, why would they vote for the most antimuslim candidate in American History . What are they thinking . If he makes muslims register in the United States, whats going to happen to us . I have to be honest with you, i havent thought that far as far as the muslims that are in the United States. I really dont know the answer to that question. Because i really like you here. Well, until these republicans starttcaring about how their votes affect brown people, i guess im going to have to say my good buys. Goodbye tshirts only republicans can afford. Goodbye karl rove, goodbye token minorities, goodbye hypocritical gun policy, goodbye walking contradictions, goodbye, america, ill miss you. applause trevor hasan minhaj, everybody. Well be right back. Library break shhhhhhhh. Have a break, have a kit kat canredds apple ale ome beers . [ stay by lisa loeb ] redds apple ale. Also for a limited time in blueberry. [ song continues ] welcome. I am the extra crispy colonel. And my extra crispy five dollar fillup is a tasty, real meal for just five dollars. Mmm kfc. Its extra crispy good. These new fruit of the loom breaare perfect. Wear they need a name just as perfect. Cools gold. The pant snorkel. Brrriefs. House of meshresentatives. Shiver me trousers. Pantarctica. Fruit of the luge. Thank you marvin. Breathable underwear . Mr. Meshy goes to windyngton. Breezy fo sheezy. Youre a genius. Well call it breezy fo. Uhh. No. Were going to call it new breathable underwear. By fruit of the loom. Ahhhh yeeaahhh i see you got the delicious news. Caught you drinkin bold flavored charged fuze. With b vitamins. Take it from good ol mr. T, the only thing bolder than fuze iced tea is me fuze flavor charged iced tea. 11,018. 11,019. cheers and applause trevor thank you so much thank you so much that is our final show out of cleveland, ohio, and to the people of cleveland, thank you so much cheers and applause from our friends down at phoenix coffee to great lakes brewery, the people at mitchells ice cream, i just want to thank you for hosting us and the beginning of the end of the world. You know what . This is so tough for me because, next week, ive decided im going to take my talents to philadelphia and and join the Democratic National convention. But dont worry, ill probably be back in a few years so thank you so much for tun